To not let dd have her hair cut?

[Edenviolet]

Dd1 (13) wants her hair cut very short. We have said no for the following reasons:

1. She will not be able to manage/style it and needs her hair at a length where it can be tied up if necessary
2. Her behaviour recently has not been good and she gets very angry when we say no to her

Dd maintains it is her choice and her hair and at 13 should be allowed to cut it however she wants. She struggles to get up everyday and wouldn't be able to style it and as she's sensitive about how she looks it would end up with her refusing to go to school if it doesn't 'look right'
She is furious with us.

I think the behaviour needs to be addressed separately to the hair. Are you saying no to a lot of things?

If you seriously think the style will be too difficult for her to manage then could you take her to a hairdresser and let her hear it from them too. I remember a hairdresser gently telling a teenage me my hair was too bushy for a short bob
I do think DC should be allowed to chose their own hairstyles, as long as they aren't going to get expelled.

It's tough though, my DD really wants her hair highlighted which I don't mind as such but it's so expensive to maintain.

And by red herring I mean it's a desperate issue to the ops aibu since it's something the dd does for any reason anyway.

There's only about 6 weeks left before the summer holidays, can you compromise and say she can have it cut on the first weekend of the school holidays? At least then the level of 'faff' involved in being out of the house on time every morning will be established over the holidays when it doesn't matter all that much if she's a bit longer getting ready.

This isn't about hair. This is about control over her life and body. It must be awful for her to be a teenager and have health issues. That takes a lot out of her control. Add to this not being able to have autonomy over her appearance and I can understand the tantrums. She needs it presented as her choice - she needs to be helped to think through the consequences so that she makes the right choice for her life.

My mother always maintains that you should reserve your battles for things that are really important. Hair isn't an important enough battleground - getting tk school is.

Tbh I think the problem is we've said yes to too much over the years and when we say no to anything she can't accept it. I accept responsibility for that, dd is often v unwell and goes through hell so we have probably spoilt her but sometimes we have to say no. She's just not used to it happening often

I can't imagine school would let her have it asymmetric

Please tell me there aren't schools out there who feel the need to interfere in pupil's appearance to this extent!

If she's refusing school because of spots, then a) more say in her own appearance will help, b) there's already a bigger problem than haircuts anyway and a haircut is unlikely to make it worse c) being excessively controlled will have the opposite effect on her overall mood and attitude to the one OP desires.

Hedgehog (and what an appropriate name that could be in the circs!), my 12-yr-old DD recently announced that she was going to Spend Her Own Money on dip-dyeing her madly bushy hair red.

I bit my tongue and accompanied her to the hairdresser, who has multiple piercings and is thus cooler than her mum, and who said 'Great choice, I'll do it for you first week of the hols then they don't shoot you at school. Meanwhile d'you want it trimming a bit shorter so it's in good condition?'

Job done.

Let her make tgat choice and mistake. When I was 14 I walked into a hairdresser and requested a Demi Moore in Ghost Haircut when Ghost was in the cinema. I did not realise you need to do it everyday, it looked bad until it grew out and I had a graduated Bob instead.

It actually sounds like you're in a pretty difficult situation here op so sorry for judging harshly. I have a friend whose dd has a chronic health problem and it has caused her to refuse school at times too. I can understand what you mean about the mornings. How about Dinosaur's idea, get it done in the summer holidays?

i would tell her she can have it done in the school holidays.

This is not an isolated situation is it?

Surely all the health and other issues you have mentioned before are contributing to her attitude?

I disagree. If she doesn't want to go to school with a spot, letting her have a haircut she probably won't be able to style won't make her feel more confident, it will make her more frustrated and upset with herself.

She refuses to go/cries etc Iam still having to help her pencil her eyebrows on each morning after she pulled them all out. Mornings are hell getting dcs up and out.
When she refuses we do 9 times out of 10 get her in eventually but it adds to the struggle everyday

Don't ket this become a massive argument between the two of you. Pick your battles wisely while she is at this age. There will be many of them as you are already finding out!
I agree with talking to her and reaching a compromise about good behaviour fir a certain time and then off to the hairdressers! Let her have this choice to express herself, her hair will grow back and if it's awful to manage she will realise this and grow it into a more suitable style.
Good luck - the teenage years are here to stay for a few more years yet!

I have a 13yr old and our circumstances are difficult too, she is my carer.
She also writes/colours on her arms and likes to do her hair and makeup.
I am fine with dying her hair, it's currently purple, has been red and dip dyed blue, I don't mind if she draws all over herself, I buy the pens and nor do school, ditto makeup, she has her wingy eyeliner every day
I would say no to a hard to style haircut, for her own good.
It's easy to say it's their hair, it'll grow etc, but I know she would regret it.

Hair styles (unless they involve shaving and copious blue hair dye) are not issues to say 'No' too just for the sake of saying 'No'. That's staying out late, much older boyfriends, thrashing her room.

If her health has been compromised for a long time, she's probably finding it difficult to find an area where she has the energy to exert her developing independence. Hair style is probably as safe as it gets for teenagers. if she doesn't like it - hair grows. And she needs to be taking responsibility for her actions so if the school doesn't like it- she'll have to face the consequences there as well.
The most difficult thing I have found with a teenager is stepping back from all those decisions a parent takes for a small child. This must be even more of a challenge if the child has a long term health condition. But step back we parents must, if we are to teach our young people to stand on their own 2 feet. Hair grows back, so if it's a mistake, it's a mistake which is reversible.

Take her to a reputable saloon, book an appointment with a senior stylist, ie one with experience, and together ask the stylist if the style she likes is easy to maintain and to suggest alternatives if it isn't

Are you sure it's a high maintenance style? I have mine shaved but long on top so I can either spike it right up or have the sweeping fringe thing and I would estimate I spend less than 30 seconds styling it. Mine is wavy rather than curly but short hair is really quick to straighten, no longer than brushing a bob into a ponytail.

Even if it is a high maintenance style then YABU. I speak as someone who shaved my BFFs head with her auntie's dog clippers at a similar age.

Surely the extra time that will no longer be required for washing and dying long hair will be plenty to style short hair?

Don't make this your hill to die on, OP. Henna tattoos are transient, the eyebrow issue will resolve itself, but she will remember all her life that you wouldn't let her cut her hair. It's the kind of thing children resent their parents for: it's HER body and it's only hair. Why would you try to control it? She'll be asking you that when she's 25 and you won't have an answer.

OP, you say she pulled her eyebrow hair out. Can I ask, by hand or tweezer? What's her head hair like - have you noticed any change in its quality recently?