To not let dd have her hair cut?

[Edenviolet]

Dd1 (13) wants her hair cut very short. We have said no for the following reasons:

1. She will not be able to manage/style it and needs her hair at a length where it can be tied up if necessary
2. Her behaviour recently has not been good and she gets very angry when we say no to her

Dd maintains it is her choice and her hair and at 13 should be allowed to cut it however she wants. She struggles to get up everyday and wouldn't be able to style it and as she's sensitive about how she looks it would end up with her refusing to go to school if it doesn't 'look right'
She is furious with us.

I do let her make choices re her appearance but she does ridiculous things like writing on her arms I huge lettering in henna and when I told her how much trouble she will get in at school she screams and cries that I'm not allowing her the freedom of expression and that her skin in her canvas????!! Not sure her head of year will agree...
She chooses her own clothes shoes is allowed make up every weekend /holiday etc it's just this hair thing is going to prove difficult in the mornings

How short to one side? I can't imagine school would let her have it asymmetric. It sounds as if you have a few things going on here, I'd get some magazine or each do a Pinterest board and book an appointment for a fortnight's time. Use that time to make she understands not going to school because she's unhappy about her appearance isn't an option.
Ultimately she's now of an age where like it or not it's not unreasonable for her to choose how she looks. Being made to have long, or short hair is a big deal. It's now a question of how you can manage the situation.

If she's refusing to go to school if she has a spot or doesn't 'look right' then you've got bigger problems than her wanting a haircut.

But YABU about the haircut. I'd be tempted to link her pocket money to her behaviour, i.e. getting up and ready for school on time. and tell her when she's saved up enough to pay for her own haircut she can do what she likes with her own hair.

And I agree with titchy as well.

If she won't go to school because she has a zit, then I think you have far bigger fish to fry.
How did it come about that you are unable to get her into school on her whim? Are the school aware and are you getting any support?

What would happen if you tried to negotiate a delay to the start of the summer holiday so she could take that time to practice getting it how she wants it?

Or could you stretch to having it chemically straightened too so it is easier to manage?

This sounds stupid. Does she have tumblr or any of those silly sites? They seem to go in for all of those expressions.

She sounds unhappy.

See, if she hates the cut she chose then that's living and learning isn't it. I had an appalling hair disaster at 14 and had to just deal with it. I would never have refused to go to school though so perhaps that is the bigger issue here.

she struggles to get dressed each day due to fatigue and pain
This is your issue I think, if she's suffering from fatigue and pain which impact her getting going in the morning, I imagine they might impact on other things she does too, I would think this could well be very frustrating for her, at a time when many kids just want to fit in, this is something which makes her different that she may well not be able to do anything about. If you tell her that she can't cut her hair too because of this, well that's just another negative impact her condition is having on her life. She's angry, really angry, because being fatigued and in pain isn't her choice and it's affecting other choices she would like to make too.

Emm she could well just go and get it done without running it past you-she could also get the pill prescribed

Her hair,her choice!

Help her find a style she likes that is suitable for wavy hair. And can also be styled (if she gets up in time) straight.

FFS pick your battles. This is where you should be supporting her not fighting her.

OP, it really sounds as though there is something else going on.

Do the school really object to her writing on her arms? It sounds like a fairly harmless way of expressing herself, plus it could be easily covered up wiht long sleeves if need be.

She said this evening "I hate it when I don't get my way it's makes me hate everyone and everything"

Surely that's quite a normal teenage reaction - every emotion is heightened, and presumably her health problems are already marking her out as 'different' to her friends, so for you to use them as reasons against her having her hair cut must be infuriating. I would say 'do what you want with your hair but you WILL go to school every day no matter what' and let this be the start of giving her more independence AND more responsibility for herself.

Having that sort of hair cut and it not sitting 'right' will be very, very obvious and more likely to make her more frustrated.

She refuses to go if has a spot or more recently when she pulled all her eyebrows out but she goes in as we take her to the bus stop and she gets the coach but it takes a lot to get her there and then there are the days she's ill and I have to help her get up and get ready so it's really not simple at all. I gave tried to compromise her hair is v long I'm happy for it to be cut much shorter but only so that it can still be tied up on bad days

Teenagers tend to want more freedom than is good for them and this causes conflict. Having a change of hairstyle should be an opportunity for you to let her have her own way, it is her hair and her life after all.

It could have been nice for you both to do something positive together- getting her haircut into a grown up style that she chooses should be a good thing, it's a shame it has ended up being something to argue over.

If it it ends up causing issues then she will have to deal with that; there is value in learning from your own mistakes and this is the sort of 'safe' mistake I think teenagers should be allowed to make.

It sounds like a row has already happened and you feel you cannot back down.

tricky

sorry YABVU.

Hair is one way of exerting your individuality and if you ain't exerting your individuality at 13 something's not right. Why does it have to be of a length so she can tie it up ? Sorry your reasoning doesn't make sense to me.

Having had very long hair and very short hair, I would have to say very short hair is the easiest to maintain. It's a case of wash and go - very short hair doesn't even need a brush. I would be interested to see which very short hair style is high maintenance. In fact I find the medium length is more of a challenge as it can be tricky to gather all the hair into one or 2 bunches.

Take her to a salon and have an adult conversation with a good stylist about low maintenance styles before she takes matters into her own hands and cuts it all off.

As far as other aspects of her behaviour goes - she's being 13. It's so important to keep open the lines of communication. The phrase 'pick your battles' never rings so true as when dealing with a 13 yr old young woman. And please note the 'young woman' for that is what she is - whether you feel comfortable about it or not.

Let her find this stuff out then.

What managing the style is like. What the head of year says about limb grafitti. All of it.

You are putting yourself head-to-head with her in effort to protect her from consequences.

Maybe a consequence or two from the world would be good.

Ok just seen your update.

It does sound like a difficult hair style.

Why not compromise and say that you will allow style in the following conditions:

Two weeks of good behaviour (with clear definitions)
She goes to school on time regardless of how hair looks.

Failing that OddBoot's suggestion of a delay to the summer holidays is a good one.

Her dd can be angry only at herself if her chosen cut looks rubbish. Getting choices and being treated as if she's growing up means making mistakes. The dd may love it.

If op and her other half keeping saying no that anger plus frustration is solely on them.

Your dd refusing to go to school needs managing separately op because it sounds like any excuse will do.

ask the school see if she is actually allowed that style my dds school will not

Let her.

If she's anything like I was at 13, she'll have it done, hate it and immediately start growing it out. Might even get a "I wish I'd listened to you mum" out of it!

It was a painful but necessary lesson to learn.

Then again she may love it. I saw a girl who was somewhere between 13-16 with a pixie crop the other day, she looked great and quite stood out from her long haired friends.

YABU why can't she choose her own hairstyle at 13?

But the DD won't only affect herself if/ when she can't style it in the mornings and it looks terrible. She will probably blame her mum, like every teenage girl does, and if she refuses to go to school, that will be her mum's responsibility too.

The dd is told in advance that her choice is her issue. Op reminds her of that if she tries moaning.

The school refusal is a red herring really because it sounds like dd refuses over any reason so it could easily be she hates her long hair as she does the new cut.