To think that too many women refer to themselves as single mums/parents when they are not?

[Lisalou1]

Without intentionally wanting to spoil the peace I just want to know why so many women refer to themselves as single mums or parents when infact they're aren't. In my opinion a single mum or single parent is a parent who cares for and looks after their children on their own without any help whatsoever from the other parent? Am I totally wrong in thinking this?

Only I have friends/family members/work colleagues/aquiantneces etc etc who constantly refer to themselves as single parents and the majority of these (women) still have the father of their children around and very much involved in their children's lives. Some have new partners and of a weekend get to send their children off with their fathers and some are still single yet have extremely amicable arrangements in place with their ex were they have them coming and going constantly from their houses helping out with the children, watching them why they go on nights out, helping out with housework etc. Now in these sort of cases would I be wrong in thinking that these women aren't single parents at all and instead are just mothers to their children who have help from their ex partners? as I'm really growing tired of hearing the phrase single mum thrown about when in the majority of cases these mothers aren't.

Do you really have nothing better to do tonight? (Bored yawn for another shit stirrer - also another dig at single mums)

I'm still waiting to hear how getting maintainance stops you being a single parent.

But I will confess to getting pissed off when NRP's of the one day a month type describe themselves as single parents only because it's annoying when you think your inviting someone who has a clue on a date because they could just be upfront about it so you could avoid all the "can't go on a date every night due to childcare" thing they never appear to understand.

Oh look, a new, goady fucker turns up, has a go at single mothers and other new posters also turn up on said thread to agree with the goady fucker!

Well, if HQ are letting this stand, when it's blatantly a 'wind em up and watch em go' thread, then I'm quite happy to shout the following:

TROLL TROLL GOADY FUCKER TROLL.

And now watch ME get deleted for troll hunting a goady fucker.

Pull the other one, HQ, it's got bells on it.

This shit makes me sick.

Oh yes and OP?

Go fuck yourself.

Why do mumsnet threads turn things into a competiton of who has the most hardships and therefore deserves the title "single parent" if you are single and the primary care provider, you are a single parent!

Are the dads there at 3am when the children are vomiting and you have work at 7? Are they there to help you navigate the supermarket with 2 toddlers? I could go on. Stop being horrible to each other, single parenting is hard work. Having the dad swan in at a weekend may be helpful but IF ITS HIS CHILDREN SO HE SHOULD! It's not "helping" it's called creating a child and taking some responsibilty for them!

You don't have to be in a particular situation to understand what said situation must be like. To me if you don't have children and you aren't with a partner or you have separated from a partner then you are typically classed as a single person, but if you have children and are separated from your partner yet still have your ex partner heavily involved then you are not a single parent.

OP this makes you sound completely clueless. (I'm not a single parent so no, i don't understand how hard it is, nor can you) Also, why do you care? I really don't get this notion that slagging off other people for the sake of it, it's unnecessary and nasty. And as for the competitive hardship, it's embarrassing; people should kind of just concentrate on their own situation and leave others to do the same.

This particular GF has been very successful! There are women on here talking about other mothers 'jumping on the bandwagon' as if being a completely solo parent is something cool
It's nobody's business how I share parenting with my ex and I neither envy not resent anyone else's set up. I'm sure I have plenty to pity about my life if anyone felt like it but I don't need it. Nor do I feel like my finances or weekend childcare arrangements are anything to feel resentful about. I'm just living my life - I advise others to do the same then maybe your piss will not get boiled so often.

Lone parent is not different to single parent. It's terminology used by the government to gather statistics and apply benefit criteria. Y'all can try to say you're a lone parent rather than a single parent of you like but it's actually a meaningless distinction.

I'm struggling to see what's so goady and offensive about the OP. It's a bit of a wierd viewpoint to bother having, but that goes for a lot of the stuff on MN.

The cries of goady fucker are far nastier than someone having a warped definition of a single parent.

Yeah I agree, too much name calling going on. It is a slightly odd view point but hey ho.

Having the best of both worlds, that's what I'd call it.

This is incredibly naive of what single parents have to go through. And yes, they are single parents.

I have a friend who unfortunately split from her husband a couple of years back. The 'best of both worlds' that she puts up with is awful. She has sole responsibility for getting her child up and fed and to school on time, making sure all homework is done, making sure all her daughter's social stuff is organised and so forth. She has to make sure she can get the child to all afterschool and weekend activities. If she happened to have two children, she'd also have two needs to sort out by herself. She can only work between school hours because her ex was already working full days and refuses to change.

She can't go out at the drop of a hat without arranging paid-for childcare (obviously I help out when I can). She has to argue for every bloody issue for her child. Every spend on the child has to be justified to him. She didn't get the car, so every party has to be managed by bus (again, I try to help out where possible).

She sees her dad. The live less than a mile apart, but the difference is that he sits in his house all day while she's raising a child, and the daughter just goes to him for sleep and fun (and he often foists her onto me on the days he can't be bothered.)

I, in contrast, still have a husband within the home.

I can leave for work at 7, knowing that the children will get to school. I can have a headache and retreat to my room for a couple of hours knowing that someone else will occupy my children. I can go for meetings at the school or elsewhere knowing that DH will be around. If there's a day I don't fancy cooking, the children won't starve if I don't rouse myself to do it. If something happens at the kid's school, we can talk it through together without fearing that someone will say we dealt with it in the wrong way. We both have each other to juggle all the complex needs that children tend to have.

Having an extra adult who has parental responsibility within the house is massively different to having one who will be prepared to take on his or her children only at times when the children will be easy.

Having an extra adult who has parental responsibility within the house is massively different to having one who will be prepared to take on his or her children only at times when the children will be easy

Yet there are also many people in relationships who can't do that because their partner is too busy working, out doing hobbies and being selfish.

It all depends on the other person - if the ex / DP is a selfish arse, then parenting can be really really difficult.

Nrwt but I think you do have a point op about their being 2 tiers (a spectrum?) of 'lone parenting'.

I think overall 'lone parent' is a better descriptor than 'single mum'.

I was a 'complete' LP. No contact at all from ex since birth. Not a penny of maintenance. He doesn't even know his dc's name.

That is a very different experience from an amicable divorce, eow respite, maintenance, a safety net if you die/become sick etc, in good cases someone else to discuss big decisions with.

But we use the same terminology for so many different set ups.

There's a bit of over competitiveness of hardship on these type of debates. Does that help anyone?

The cries of goady fucker are far nastier than someone having a warped definition of a single parent.

No, they really aren't. The OP has joined (or name changed) and has posted a contraversial opinion, guaranteed to start a bunfight. That is the very definition of a Goady Fucker. They also seem to have vanished when called on it.

I am single and I am a parent. I am therefore a single parent.

If anything happens to me, I have no partner to rely on to help out. To be fair to him, my ex probably would and has when the shit has hit the fan but only because it's in the children's best interests, not mine.

Yes my ex does have access to the children and they stay with him at weekends and he pays child maintenance so I'm not utterly alone with them, but I definitely consider myself to be a single parent and would probably be quite annoyed at someone who said I wasn't purely for the fact it's disrespectful to all the extra work, emotional and physical I do now compared to when I was with my ex.

Yy Soupdragon - can't believe this awful thread is still here - c'mon MNHQ - haven't there been enough posts/ reports yet to get rid of this offensive thread? Parenting is bloody hard work WHATEVER your circs, one adult house hold parenting however much help you get is bloody difficult - can we all get back to what we were doing now? I thought MN was for support, not to purposely knock anyone who's trying in whatever circs?

I'm not a lone parent, I'm a double parent thank you very much .

XP went 6 years ago and the dc's don't have sleepovers with anyone. I work and do it all bar 2 school pick ups a week.

What a small minded peculiar thread to start, I can only imagine you are married to a turd and have some happily single friends whom you envy ?

Ive been on dating sites and seen a few men describe themselves as a single parent. I asked how that happened etc and each time they described their wives having mental health problems (i love that description of their ex wives. Made it really easy to pass then by. massive RED FLAG ALERT!) and that they have to do everything for their children for a FULL weekend once a fortnight. er, so tour wife is a SP and you swan in once a fortnight...

That's what I'm meaning as well calleigh I've had it happen loads,usually when they start slating the ex after referring to themselves as single parents when the child does not live with them I tend to get up and leave.

This thread is nuts. Lone parent, as a pp said, is just a new term invented by the government about ten years ago.
Fwiw, my ex has his DS EOW, but it costs me money, as I take him 150 miles to get there. They have a good relationship but he has never paid maintenance, and continued to be abusive to me for many years after we split. I'm glad he's there for DS as they have a good relationship but for many years I wished he would just disappear. What's my point? That it can be as hard having an ex in the picture as not having anyone. See, I've joined in the competitive lone parenting too! Well done OP!

I can't see that ops opinion is that controversial, most people seem to agree that defining the term isn't that important, and I can't see much fighting either. A couple of posters agreeing that they would like their difficulties recognised, but this is nothing in terms of mn bunfights. As a single parent, I genuinely can't see anything to be offended by.

I maintain that the cries of goady fucker are nastier than the OP having an odd opinion, so we'll have to agree to disagree.

Oh please, this is a textbook wind 'em up and watch 'em go. There are no "cries" of goady fucker. It is a statement of fact warning others not to bite and let themselves be upset.

I actually think that XH is also a single parent - he's single and he's a parent. I don't think it's to do with how much you have the children or how much maintenance is paid etc.

I would say some single parents have an easier time of it than some other single parents. And that it can actually be harder being still in a relationship with someone when really you shouldn't than it is being separate from them.

Bonkers. Bloody bonkers. GF OP aside, there are actually women here admitting to being annoyed that others with seemingly slightly easier circumstances class themselves to be in the same category that they are in.

I'm a single parent. DD doesn't see her father at all. I do it all alone. But I'm not going to get annoyed that some other single parents have exs who are involved. It's not a fucking competition. The term 'single parent' is merely a description of two particular circumstances...the person is single and a parent.

Get your heads out of your arses. Involvement from the other parent doesn't necessarily lead to easier circumstances.

ex-SIL raised dn mostly by herself. db lived a distance away and as he was a shift worker it was difficult to visit (although I think he could have tried much harder). He paid maintenance for as long as he had to (and no more!). He also phoned now and again and visited 1/2 a dozen times a year to play disney dad.

Can you let me know if she was entitled to use the single or lone parent tag so I can tell her which box she's been put in?

OP as some above said you are investing too much head space on labelling people.