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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that too many women refer to themselves as single mums/parents when they are not?

158 replies

Lisalou1 · 30/05/2015 19:42

Without intentionally wanting to spoil the peace I just want to know why so many women refer to themselves as single mums or parents when infact they're aren't. In my opinion a single mum or single parent is a parent who cares for and looks after their children on their own without any help whatsoever from the other parent? Am I totally wrong in thinking this?

Only I have friends/family members/work colleagues/aquiantneces etc etc who constantly refer to themselves as single parents and the majority of these (women) still have the father of their children around and very much involved in their children's lives. Some have new partners and of a weekend get to send their children off with their fathers and some are still single yet have extremely amicable arrangements in place with their ex were they have them coming and going constantly from their houses helping out with the children, watching them why they go on nights out, helping out with housework etc. Now in these sort of cases would I be wrong in thinking that these women aren't single parents at all and instead are just mothers to their children who have help from their ex partners? as I'm really growing tired of hearing the phrase single mum thrown about when in the majority of cases these mothers aren't.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 30/05/2015 20:01

What is it about single mothers that people feel this intense urge to stick the fucking boot in? Hmm it happens again and again on here, in the media, in RL. Is there something really bloody scary about single mothers that people have to continuously cut them down to size and put them back in their place? What is it? I'd really love to know.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 30/05/2015 20:01
Confused We shouldn't be classifying single parents in a hierarchy of shitness

My ds dad doesn't do much on the day to day and his financial contribution is negligible but I don't sit there envying those whose exes do loads and pay loads - I'm happy with my life. Envy is the thief of joy!

fiveacres · 30/05/2015 20:02

Twinkie, I'm sorry to hear that as it sounds very difficult, but the fact life is worse for you doesn't mean life can't be hard for them.

I receive maintenance totalling a monthly sum many would see as 'generous' - actually it isn't, when placed in context next to what XH actually takes home each month.

It's aggravating that 'single/lone parent' has to be seen to carry connotations of hardship, misery and stress for it to be elevated to true status of a struggling single parent. I struggled far more when married, personally.

Original poster
Lisalou1 · 30/05/2015 20:03

I know nothing, erm ok. You don't have to be in a particular situation to understand what said situation must be like. To me if you don't have children and you aren't with a partner or you have separated from a partner then you are typically classed as a single person, but if you have children and are separated from your partner yet still have your ex partner heavily involved then you are not a single parent.

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 30/05/2015 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EatShitDerek · 30/05/2015 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMagnificientFour · 30/05/2015 20:05

OP how do you call a parent who is single, is the RP but whose ex take the dc(s) on EOW?
How do you call a parent whose child is spending 50% of his time with the father?

With term 'single parent', there is clearly the idea that you, alone, are responsible to meet the need of said child. You alone will be the one to worry if they get bullied, will go to school meetings, will dry tears when they fall off etc...
Even with all the help from an ex who sees the child EOW, you still ARE that primary carer with all what is involved.
Even with a new partner, you might still be that one parent.

Now I would like to know, why is it so important to you to make that distinction between single women with a child who have the 'luxury' of being in good terms with the ex and one who is on her own?
Do you think they have it easier?
Do you think it's not fair and the hardship of that situation should be recognised?
Do you think it's makeing these women 'special'?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 30/05/2015 20:05

You're using a definition of single that is quite different to everyone else's and y'know, accepted use in the English language then! If you're a parent and you're not in a relationship then you are a Single Parent. Regardless of how much parenting the other parents does or doesn't do.

Jeez.

CommonplaceMagic · 30/05/2015 20:06

Why does it bother you? The term 'single parent' doesn't suggest a parity of experience any more than SAHM or WOHM does.

I call myself a single parent because I am no longer in a relationship with the father of my children and I have primary residency since he lives 200 miles away. He does see DCs fairly regularly though and I work hard to make sure he still has a relationship with them. Do I fit in with your definition I wonder? Actually, scrap that. I really don't give a fuck if you think I'm entitled to call myself a single parent or not.

littlehouseinthebigwoods · 30/05/2015 20:07

envy is the thief of joy what a great quote!
To me it just seems that you are taking single to mean alone rather than a relationship status...I've always assumed it meant the latter.

AnyoneForTennis · 30/05/2015 20:07

See, you know nothing! Ignorant and dim! Yes, welcome to mumsnet as a pp said

As for your first post about not intending to spoil the peace.... Hmm

cuntycowfacemonkey · 30/05/2015 20:08

Does it really matter OP?

littlehouseinthebigwoods · 30/05/2015 20:08

X posted with everyone !

PtolemysNeedle · 30/05/2015 20:09

YABU. I'm a single parent but my children's dad is still around. It's still very different to what it would be having a partner around.

While my husband was here I didn't consider myself to be a single parent even though he wasn't my children's father, because I wasn't single, but since he died I've been a single parent despite the level of support we've had from the dcs dad being exactly the same.

I've never heard anyone say they are a single parent just because their husbands work away. Occasionally someone will say they feel like it, but not that they actually are.

AnyoneForTennis · 30/05/2015 20:09

The term 'single parent' is dated and 'lone' parent is now used in its place

Lone.... As In parenting alone

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 30/05/2015 20:10

Are they single?
Are they a parent?
Do they have at main residence?

Then they're a single parent.

Brandysnapper · 30/05/2015 20:11

It is generally accepted that single parents have a tougher time than those living with partners. For that reason alone I suppose there is a differentiation to be made between single parents with hands-on ex-partners, and those who are completely unsupported in their child-rearing.

IamJeff · 30/05/2015 20:11

Definitely a difference between a single parent and lone parent.

woowoo22 · 30/05/2015 20:13

Ex has no involvement with DC. I call myself a lone parent as I don't see why I should be defined by my parenting status.

We have a happy life. We were fecking miserable when I was married.

Mirador · 30/05/2015 20:13

The single part refers to marital status, has done for many many years. It just indicates that person isn't married. Look at all the forms we get the question on. polls, job and credit card applications etc..

It's one of those things that over the years has become blurred and changed in its perception especially with the way the media reports things.

I'm only in my 40's but I remember the media on a crusade it seemed about young, teenaged girls being single (unmarried) mums, in the same way they do for people on benefits these days, then they seemed to go for any single mum and the term starting to change to how it's seen more and more as others have said already. It's changed in society's view to mean or appear to mean 'solo parent'.

Original poster
Lisalou1 · 30/05/2015 20:13

I never used the term lone parent, I believe someone else did. But to me a single or "loan" parent is someone who has no input whatsoever from the other parent. Either that means the other partner has sadly passed away, left of their own accord, or both parties have decided that they shouldn't be involved in each other's lives. In these circumstances then yes, you're a lone/single parent but if you still see your ex partner regularly, or you split the childcare quite amicablely meaning you both get equal time with and without the children or you have a new partner and still send your children to their mothers/fathers house every weekend, then you are not.

OP posts:
UterusUterusGhali · 30/05/2015 20:14

You don't have to be in a particular situation to understand what said situation must be like.

Yes. Yes you do.

littleshorty · 30/05/2015 20:14

What you're describing is a lone parent. A single parent is a single person that's also a parent. Pretty basic concept.

Mousefinkle · 30/05/2015 20:14

You're a single parent if you're separated from the other parent and don't have another partner. Because you are single and a parent. What on earth would you be called if you were single, separated from the mother/father but they still look after the children and pay maintenance? Of course they're single parents!

cleanmyhouse · 30/05/2015 20:14

The thing i found most offensive about your post was the "of a weekend get to send their children off with their father"

Like its a treat to only have your children part of the time?

I've been a single mum for 12 years. for the last 3 or 4 years, they've spent 3 nights a week with their dad. Yes, it is quite nice to have a bit of time to myself, but i'd swap that any day to be in a "proper" happy family set up. I never wanted to be a part time mum.