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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that too many women refer to themselves as single mums/parents when they are not?

158 replies

Lisalou1 · 30/05/2015 19:42

Without intentionally wanting to spoil the peace I just want to know why so many women refer to themselves as single mums or parents when infact they're aren't. In my opinion a single mum or single parent is a parent who cares for and looks after their children on their own without any help whatsoever from the other parent? Am I totally wrong in thinking this?

Only I have friends/family members/work colleagues/aquiantneces etc etc who constantly refer to themselves as single parents and the majority of these (women) still have the father of their children around and very much involved in their children's lives. Some have new partners and of a weekend get to send their children off with their fathers and some are still single yet have extremely amicable arrangements in place with their ex were they have them coming and going constantly from their houses helping out with the children, watching them why they go on nights out, helping out with housework etc. Now in these sort of cases would I be wrong in thinking that these women aren't single parents at all and instead are just mothers to their children who have help from their ex partners? as I'm really growing tired of hearing the phrase single mum thrown about when in the majority of cases these mothers aren't.

OP posts:
Nibledbyducks · 30/05/2015 20:15

I go with the gingerbread definition which pretty much covers anyone who takes on the majority of parenting themselves, including those with partners that take no active part it parenting. I am in a relationship with my daughters father but he doesn't live with us or take part in parenting either our DD or my 3 DS' s whose father is dead due to disability. I count myself as a single parent because I parent alone.

woowoo22 · 30/05/2015 20:17

*defined by my marital status

UterusUterusGhali · 30/05/2015 20:18

A single parent will, generally, plough 100% of her time and money into the family a home.

The contribution of the NRP is considerably less ime.

Having nobody to help when you're sick, help with drop offs, having to pay for childcare out of one wage, school trips, clothes, nobody to bounce ideas or thoughts off of. "Does this rash look dodgy?"

Trust me, you're more alone than you could ever imagine.

SurlyCue · 30/05/2015 20:20

You really havent a fucking clue OP. Stop spouting your shite and deliberately winding people up. Youre completely transparent in your intent. Ive reported.

AnyoneForTennis · 30/05/2015 20:20

If your dc go off every other weekend to stay with their dad then yep, that's still a lone parent op! Input from the dad makes no difference still a lone/single parent

OrlandoWoolf · 30/05/2015 20:20

A child can have 2 single parents. Each parent looks after them, contributes to their wellbeing and takes responsibility for them. The parents just don't live together.

A parent can be a lone parent. That's when there is on one else to look after them. They are totally responsible for the child.They might get maintenance. But that's it. No time for themselves as the children are their sole responsibility.

IamJeff · 30/05/2015 20:20

Agree with cleanmyhouse ... For some people it is torture sending their kids to their dads

So they can have the " luxury" of sitting alone because they feel too guilty or tied or lacking in confidence and self esteem to do much else ??

AnyoneForTennis · 30/05/2015 20:21

We are feeding the op

They started this thread for a bunfight

Newbrummie · 30/05/2015 20:21

Well my ex has has the kids for 4 days in three years and that was forced upon him and he lives 12,000 miles away .... So I qualify, do I get anything extra ? I suppose I get a quiet life

Original poster
Lisalou1 · 30/05/2015 20:21

Having the best of both worlds, that's what I'd call it. If your children's father is still involved and you are not in a relationship or a marriage with them, you might have the right to class yourselves as a single parent ie Miss instead of Mrs but you don't have the right to class yourselves as a lone parent unless the father of your children has left/died and is no longer in the picture whatsoever.

OP posts:
AnyoneForTennis · 30/05/2015 20:22

Yes you do!!!

OrlandoWoolf · 30/05/2015 20:23

Having nobody to help when you're sick, help with drop offs, having to pay for childcare out of one wage, school trips, clothes, nobody to bounce ideas or thoughts off of. "Does this rash look dodgy

That can apply to both parents who parent the child but don't live together. The relationship between the separated parents is really important - and the time / involvement of the other one. Are parents who do shared care single parents as you describe or lone parents?

TheMagnificientFour · 30/05/2015 20:26

Lol at having the best of both worlds! Whcih worlds are you talking about?? ConfusedHmmHmm

OP I'm sorry but you are starting to sound bonkers.

You still haven't said how you call a parent who is single and has an EOW arrangement.
And why it matters to you.

I'm interested.

OrlandoWoolf · 30/05/2015 20:26

but you don't have the right to class yourselves as a lone parent unless the father of your children has left/died and is no longer in the picture whatsoever

I don't think that's true. The involvement of the ex and the financial contribution / time / shared care is really important.

An ex who does shared care, is heavily involved and who contributes

or

An ex who does fuck all, pays fuck all and sees them occasionally.

One of those makes life a bit easier and parenting is shared. One makes life really hard and makes parenting all your responsibility.

Nolim · 30/05/2015 20:27

I thought that a single parent was a parent who was single. I may have to review my english.

GratefulHead · 30/05/2015 20:28

Yes I do OP,he lives 170 miles away. We are amicable but I am indeed a single parent. He isn't around,

BitOutOfPractice · 30/05/2015 20:28

My exH is very heavily involved with the DC - has them 3 nights a week

He pays maintenance

I have a BF (who doesn't live with me)

But I live alone (ie the only adult in the house) with the DC

What would you like to call me please? I await your judgement

bertiebogtrotter · 30/05/2015 20:31

Umm a single parent is a parent who is single? Saying that I considered myself a single parent when Iived alone with my children and had a bf. A single parent has majority of responsibility for dc if RP and that can sometimes be hard, same as someome whos other half works away. I've got a friend whos OH works away for months at a time, so yes I would liken that to a single parent......why does it have to be a competition...I really don't get it.

Original poster
Lisalou1 · 30/05/2015 20:31

You're a single PERSON, that being that you aren't married at all OR you are no longer with your partner/husband. A single PARENT ie were you get absolutely no help,input, or money from your ex partner is totally different and in this sitsution i'd say a lone parent.

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 30/05/2015 20:31

You are a bit too over invested in categorising people here OP. There will be people that fall somewhere inbetween your chosen definitions, what are you going to do with them? You realise you don't have the right to tell other people they have no right to call themselves whatever they want, right?

And why does it make a difference to you how other people define themselves anyway? Even if people do accurately define themselves according to your rules, they will still have very different experiences of parenthood because of the other circumstances in their lives.

Tinklypink · 30/05/2015 20:33

I think that a single parent is a parent who is single regardless of ex's input however I do think that the term 'lone parent' should be used to differentiate when someone is parenting without any input from another parent.

I think there is a big difference to parenting as a lone parent to any other type of parenting - it can be very scary

SurlyCue · 30/05/2015 20:33

Its a GF. Dont engage. Ive reported.

AnyoneForTennis · 30/05/2015 20:34

Thank god we've got lisalou to tell us all what we are and what we should call ourselves

Now, perhaps she would like to inform the government I'm not a lone parent and I'm fraudulently claiming as one for HB/ct purposes!?

Micah · 30/05/2015 20:36

If you're not in a relationship, and a parent, you're a single parent. That applies to both men and women.

If you've re-married, or are co-habiting, you're no longer a single parent.

I have one acquaintance who calls herself a single parent. Apparently her om/new husband can't be expected to take on any responsibility for her children from her marriage.

Imo if you move in/marry someone with children, you commit to supporting and helping to parent them. Therefore no longer a single parent.

Original poster
Lisalou1 · 30/05/2015 20:36

I'm a what SurlyCue? And you've reported me, why exactly? Have I swore? Have I singled anyone out to be intentionally critical, no I haven't, so good luck with that.

OP posts:
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