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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that too many women refer to themselves as single mums/parents when they are not?

158 replies

Lisalou1 · 30/05/2015 19:42

Without intentionally wanting to spoil the peace I just want to know why so many women refer to themselves as single mums or parents when infact they're aren't. In my opinion a single mum or single parent is a parent who cares for and looks after their children on their own without any help whatsoever from the other parent? Am I totally wrong in thinking this?

Only I have friends/family members/work colleagues/aquiantneces etc etc who constantly refer to themselves as single parents and the majority of these (women) still have the father of their children around and very much involved in their children's lives. Some have new partners and of a weekend get to send their children off with their fathers and some are still single yet have extremely amicable arrangements in place with their ex were they have them coming and going constantly from their houses helping out with the children, watching them why they go on nights out, helping out with housework etc. Now in these sort of cases would I be wrong in thinking that these women aren't single parents at all and instead are just mothers to their children who have help from their ex partners? as I'm really growing tired of hearing the phrase single mum thrown about when in the majority of cases these mothers aren't.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 30/05/2015 20:37

But I'm single. And I'm a parent. I am struggling to see why that doesn't make me a single parent Confused

DixieNormas · 30/05/2015 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TendonQueen · 30/05/2015 20:41

Glad the Queen of Parenting Terminology has arrived to tell us all what we have a right to be called. Hmm Awaiting thread deletion in five..

cleanmyhouse · 30/05/2015 20:41

Um yes, you've singled out single parents.

Fairy13 · 30/05/2015 20:42

Hang on, so you aren't a single parent if you get money from your ex?

My SIL cares for her dc alone, no input at all from ex, miles from family...
But she gets maintenance. Is she not a single parent?

I am a single parent because I deal with childcare, scraped knees, bedtime, bath time, every night bar two per fortnight. I sit at home alone every night, nobody to call on so I can pop to the gym or to meet friends.
I pick the childcare, pay for the childcare, balance that with working.
I buy his clothes, shoes. I do all the doctors appointments. If he was sick, I'm the only one who would take the day off to care for him.

He sees his dad every other weekend. But I can't rely on him to parent in between times.

If you cannot see that I am a single parent then I don't know what to say.

AnyoneForTennis · 30/05/2015 20:42

Yep a GF

Here just to wind everyone up.... Which is why nobody is taking you seriously

OrlandoWoolf · 30/05/2015 20:43

Single mums used to be the group judged most by the Daily Mail and the Conservatives. Probably still are.

If you heard the term "single mum", you'd probably think of a mum without any support from the ex and relying on the state for benefits. Which is far from the reality.

Now it's lone parents.

Being a parent who has to do it all (or do the vast majority) must be really really hard.

Me and my ex seem to do ok. We both do school runs, share care between us and both have the balance between parenting and us time. Right now,my ex is in the pub and we're watching Harry Potter.

SurlyCue · 30/05/2015 20:46

I'm a what SurlyCue?

A goady fucker

And you've reported me, why exactly?

fucking goadies Being a goady fucker

good luck with that.

dont need luck, i have talk guidelines.

OrlandoWoolf · 30/05/2015 20:47

You can be a single parent and a lone parent.

Not only are you single but you also are the parent who does all the parenting.

seesensepeople · 30/05/2015 20:49

Hello Twinkietwinkle, sorry to hear of the situation for you and your children. Like me, you are a lone parent - no other parent in sight, my beloved died 5 years ago.
I hate being called a single parent, not because of the media connotations but because there is usually an opportunity for the children of a single parent to have some input from the NRP, even if only a birthday card.
So I disagree with the OP and wonder why they feel such bitterness.
OP - What is hurting you so much that you feel the need to lash out at a whole group of people?

Bellebella · 30/05/2015 20:51

Why do you care so much op? Confused

I have always thought of a single parent as someone who is indeed single.

A lone parent is a parent who has sole responsibility of a child without the other parent involved.

PtolemysNeedle · 30/05/2015 20:53

This lone parent/single parent distinction - is it an actual thing that existed before today, or did we just make it up on a random Saturday evening on MN?

ghostyslovesheep · 30/05/2015 20:54

people can call themselves what they like OP it's not your job to classify people and put them in boxes Grin

I call myself Ms btw not Miss or Mrs - hth

seesensepeople · 30/05/2015 20:55

Hi Ptolemy - I don't know if I made it up but I've been calling myself a lone parent for 5 years :(

ghostyslovesheep · 30/05/2015 21:01

'we' might make a distinction but society damn well doesn't - especially the very judgy bit

If the NRP is around it's lovely for the kids - but you still have to deal with the shit and the 'isn't he wonderful' point of view when they give you a £5 and spend one weekend a month with them Hmm

not that that irritation in anyway compares to loosing a partner x

PtolemysNeedle · 30/05/2015 21:03

I don't mean the term lone parent, the first I remember hearing that was back when Tony Blair first became prime minister and there was all that new deal for lone parents stuff around. I mean the distinction between lone and single and these very rigid definitions people are talking about.

Ohbollocksandballs · 30/05/2015 21:10

I am single, and a parent.

When I was with DS's dad I have said 'I may as well be a single parent' never that I was.

I am responsible for everything when it comes to DS. His Dad has him once a week, and I'm often called early to go and get him. He has/wants absolutely no input outside of his contact times. He pays the bare minimum in maintenance because he is a crafty bastard.

However I do have a partner. Very new relationship, he is not involved with my DS.

I am still a single parent.

WoodliceCollection · 30/05/2015 21:11

Oh seriously, OP, why bother? A single parent is someone who is single and a parent, i.e. they don't have a spouse or cohabiting partner, and they do have children who they take some degree of responsibility for the care of. Having help from others (wish we all had that) doesn't negate either of those characteristics. Or do you call families with grandparents who help out non-parents? As clearly they aren't doing everything on their own as a nuclear family unit, are they?

I have one daughter who has very little contact with her dad, because he is a lazy useless fucker. My other daughter has regular contact with her dad, who is a generally decent human being. Both of them live with me, the only adult, in the same house- would you say one of them had a single parent, and the other not? Am I a half-single parent (I don't get any evenings out, if that counts)? WTF?

cakedup · 30/05/2015 21:11

I can see where you're coming from OP.

I call myself a lone parent. Ds' father is not around at all, hasn't been since he was a baby.

I probably abu but it does piss me off a bit when other single parent mums lump themselves in the same group as me "it's hard being a single mum isn't it" when our circumstances are so different.

I haven't had a weekend off in 10 years, I've had DS constantly, I don't get any child maintenance and all the responsibility lies on me.

It's especially annoying when it comes to getting help, for example housing benefit as they never take child maintenance into consideration. So someone could be getting a few hundred quid a month in child maintenance yet be treated as getting the same income as me.

Gooddaysunshine · 30/05/2015 21:17

ODFO OP.
"In my opinion a single mum or single parent is a parent who cares for and looks after their children on their own without any help whatsoever from the other parent? Am I totally wrong in thinking this?"
Yes you are wrong. As has previously been said, it's not a hardship competition. A single parent is still a single parent whether the NRP is hands on or not.

seesensepeople · 30/05/2015 21:19

It's not a competition, though, is it? Being a parent is often difficult, tiring, thankless, mundane, selfless, confusing, stressful...

BUT would we have it any other way?

I love my kids and would never choose to be without them, no matter how difficult it can be at times.

OP - why do you feel like this? What has wound you up enough to post?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 30/05/2015 21:22

Lone parent = single parent
There isn't a difference in the concept, it's semantics.

Lisalou you are a goady fucker and quite boring.

SurlyCue · 30/05/2015 21:23

it does piss me off a bit when other single parent mums lump themselves in the same group as me

Why does it piss you off? Its no skin of your nose is it?

"it's hard being a single mum isn't it" when our circumstances are so different.

Well it is hard. That isnt inaccurate. Just because you have it quite hard doesnt mean others dont have it hard too.

P.S there are no awards for whoever has it hardest. Youre burning up energy being pissed off with other people for no reason. It doesnt benefit you to be pissed off with them does it? Just get on with your life and stop worrying what other people call themselves.

VixxFace · 30/05/2015 21:26

Those who are co parenting are single women not single mothers.

ghostyslovesheep · 30/05/2015 21:30

'co-parenting' could me an equal 50/50 split with everyone happy or he has them 2 days you do the other 5 plus all the parenting stuff like parents evenings, being off when they are sick, packed lunches, school trips, medical and dental apts etc etc etc

it's NOT a competition and it's not a fucking cake walking having your ex on the scene

the OP is a goady little stirrer - divide and conquer - maybe this is the next step in our demonisation