AIBU to “insist” on communicating with my wife?

[TheOtherSide]

Times are stressful at the moment. Sprog 1, 3.5yo & sprog 2 1yo. My wife & I are always arguing. Any topic is fair game from what to watch on TV through to Money, shopping, weather etc etc.

My Wife has found a new coping strategy – its called “Just ignore him”, state your feelings & walk away. Instead of arguing, ignore him and spend your time productively browsing the web or playing computer games. This irritates me, resolves nothing and has been going on for months.

We have blazing rows and either....

1. I follow her around the house and attempt to communicate – I'm then accused of being a stalker.

1. We ignore & avoid each other – about a week later she pretends that everything is ok and nothing happened.

I'm working away from home during the week for the next couple of months. I got home on Thursday night about 9pm and tried to engage her in non controversial casual conversation, e.g. check out this funny clip of a toddler on FB. She tried to ignore me and then had a massive go at me for wasting her time and went to bed.

I have suggested “Marriage Guidance” but this was poo poohed as she felt that last time the councillor sided with me. I arranged a course of sessions with a different organisation, and hence different counsellor, but she still refused to go. She then suggested that I attend on my own.

Key points...

a. I can't see how the marriage is going to survive/progress if we can't communicate.
b. If we didn't have kids then i'd gladly walk/run right now but we do so I will not.
c. I/we need to find a way forward

...any ideas?

Thanks.

OP where are you?

"OP where are you?" - Here. I'm sorry just trying to read all the messages and contemplate some sensible and rational responses.

For general info, we both work 4 days a week. We both do one day a week with the kids so actually I do do my share with the kids and we do 50/50 parenting. At the moment I'm working away from home in the week so she is doing more with the kids - that said I'm smashing out the hours at work to bring home the extra cash we need to fix the house.

My ex worked away and being alone with very young children isn't the greatest feeling in the world.

Also he was a workaholic (and alcoholic!) and couldn't see that happiness and a happy family life meant more than cash.

Write stuff down in a non accusing way.

Can you take her out for a drink? And have a sensible conversation that is honest and above all KIND. Following her round the house sounds appalling, like you're copying the toddlers behaviours and making her the only adult with you demanding love and attention and a person to shout at and blame... Why on earth would you do that any expect anything other than anger and upset?

So try and set the scene for an adult constructive conversation

Tell her you care so much about her and love her as a person not just a mother, and she's doing an amazing job and she must be knackered. Tell her you're worried about her.

And that's where the telling ends.

Ask her what's making her unhappy. Ask her what her life is like at the moment. Ask her how you can help solve the situation you're in now.

Ask her what she wants to do, what she feels needs to happen to get life back to a life where you both behave in a loving, respectful and supportive manner to each other. Whether she wants this, or thinks it's possible. Ask her if she has the emotional space to hear what you'd like the future to hold, what you'd like everyday life to be like - but respect her if she says no. If you both want to sort it out you need to do it gently, not slamming her with a huge list of complaints or demands. No one responds well to that.

And listen. Just listen. Don't start jibing and spoiling for a fight. Don't start butting in with your side. You want to initiate an opening up then you have to give her space to talk - even if you think what she's saying isn't reasonable, just let her get it out first.

I'm defo not a workaholic (anyone can vouch for that) but at the moment we are genuinely busy at work and I really need to get stuff done, hence the hours. Coincidentally we also need a cash injection to fix up the house. Logically, work & money wise, this all should be a good thing & work.

The problem is though - the lack of communication and motivation to sort out the relationship has been going on much longer. The last time we were remotely happy with life was circa 1yr + 9 months ago, i.e. sprog 2 in the making. Part of me says shut up and take it for another 9 months and perhaps the reduced stress will be enough to make things ok again. That said why should I? We are equally stressed - why should I just take it?

It seems to me that your DP is communicating. You just don't like (1) what she is saying and (2) how she is saying it. If she felt you monopolised the counsellor in your previous sessions then it's understandable that she doesn't want to go through that again.

Changing counsellor won't make that much difference. It's the dynamic between yourself and your DP that allowed you to dominate the counselling. From a communication pov, she's told you she doesn't want to go but suggested you go. Just because you don't like what she is saying, doesn't mean that she's not communicating.

Likewise, you said she states her feelings and walk away. This is how she communicates with you and tbh it's actually a mature strategy if you feel unheard and want to avoid confrontation. It means the other person can take time to digest the point you have made, and it means you can try to keep your points clear and concise. If you were interested in listening to her and building your relationship then you wouldn't follow her round the house pushing for an argument.

Don't stay with her for the children's sake. To be blunt, following your DP round the house arguing is not for the benefit of your DCs. It's for your benefit. If you really want to put the DCs first then either go to counselling on your own. Or stop using them as an excuse to stay in an unhappy relationship.

It's difficult to understand what is going on and what is causing the rows with the information you have given, but I think your wife is correct to remove herself from arguments to stop them escalating.

I think you need to try to speak to her in calmer moments to get to the bottom of this, not try and reason in the moment, it just won't work when either one of you is upset or emotional.

MIL lives 4 minute walk from the house & is on tap for baby sitting. I've tried arranging dates for Birthdays, Valentines, any excuse, but she's terminally miserable and doesn't want to go out with me let alone talk.

I'm wondering whether you should stop talking and start listening. Without interruptions or making presumptions. Everyone can hear but not many people actually listen.

Also, can you stop calling your DCs 'sprogs'.

I hate the term sprogs too.

You say that last time you where happy was when "sprog 2 was in the making" did you agree to have another child?

Is she terminally miserable with everyone or just with you?

She sounds massively depressed.

And you sound a bit of a bully. Sorry if that's harsh but following her around arguing and 'insisting' you only communicate your way is a bit much.

Calling your children 'sprogs' gives the impression that you don't really like them.

I think you are getting a tough time and there seems to be pps that are projecting perhaps some issues against their DP/DH.

Terminally miserable with just me.

If I ignore/respect the silence then she just reciprocates and then goes to bed. We can go days without talking. I then try to start a non confrontational chat then get attacked for wasting her time - and then she goes to be and ignores me.

Re the funny toddler on FFB, did it not occur to you that she might not want to seem some random toddler video just then?

My DH often will say , look at this, listen to this and I will quite clearly state I'm not interested, he will try to insist and try to be offended if I don't then view/hear it.

You don't have to like/agree/or have the same opinion in the trivial shit, stop pestering her with it

Especially since I've seen many people saying long term silent treatment is emotional abuse on here when it's said about DH

Is she on mumsnet? You didn't say.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes -

1. I love my kids more than anything. If you saw my FB page then you would realise. I call them Sprogs because its ...well its just a man thing. Sorry.

1. I'm not a bully, but I am "pig headed". If I wasn't then this would just drift and I'd probably get accused of not caring.

HellKitty Good point about the listening and not talking and making presumptions. Also, can you stop calling your DCs 'sprogs'. as a comment not so helpful. I guess it's ok for him to do that and not your call, really.

Royal there's no evidence he's been pestering her and it seems like an awful lot of assumptions on this thread that he was monopolising the counselling, no evidence of that just that she felt the counsellor thought he had good points, that he's pestering her whilst yes he has said he followed her around the house if someone had been ignoring you I think you'd finally want to have a conversation. That she's so busy being a sahp when he's said its pretty much 50/50 as well that he's not trying or paying attention

Most women would jump at the chance of babysitting and a night out.

Perhaps 'most' women in a happy relationship would like a night out but it doesn't sound as though the OP is in a happy relationship so why would his DP want to spend time with him alone? A night out makes it harder to walk away from a conversation/discussion/argument. It also helps to create an illusion to outsiders that the relationship is working when it isn't.

The OP said he's staying 'for the DCs'. His DP will know that is the case so it's understandable she doesn't want to go on a date night with someone who doesn't actually want to be with her.