AIBU to “insist” on communicating with my wife?

[TheOtherSide]

Times are stressful at the moment. Sprog 1, 3.5yo & sprog 2 1yo. My wife & I are always arguing. Any topic is fair game from what to watch on TV through to Money, shopping, weather etc etc.

My Wife has found a new coping strategy – its called “Just ignore him”, state your feelings & walk away. Instead of arguing, ignore him and spend your time productively browsing the web or playing computer games. This irritates me, resolves nothing and has been going on for months.

We have blazing rows and either....

1. I follow her around the house and attempt to communicate – I'm then accused of being a stalker.
   

1. We ignore & avoid each other – about a week later she pretends that everything is ok and nothing happened.
   

I'm working away from home during the week for the next couple of months. I got home on Thursday night about 9pm and tried to engage her in non controversial casual conversation, e.g. check out this funny clip of a toddler on FB. She tried to ignore me and then had a massive go at me for wasting her time and went to bed.

I have suggested “Marriage Guidance” but this was poo poohed as she felt that last time the councillor sided with me. I arranged a course of sessions with a different organisation, and hence different counsellor, but she still refused to go. She then suggested that I attend on my own.

Key points...

a. I can't see how the marriage is going to survive/progress if we can't communicate.
b. If we didn't have kids then i'd gladly walk/run right now but we do so I will not.
c. I/we need to find a way forward

...any ideas?

Thanks.

[BeCool]

First question asked of OP was did he love her. He's stated he is only around for the DC.

Op you also say as you both work and look after DC you are both "equally stressed". Can you see that when one person is ill with depression that this isn't the case.

Of course this home life is awful for you and stressful. But I can't see how useful it is to insist you are both "equally stressed" when your DW is very depressed.

Again you seem to be very dismissive of her very real depression.

[PeaceOfWildThings]

How do you communicate when you're apart? That is just as important as how you communicate when you arrive home.

[herfrom2doorsdown]

She is communicating with you, just not in the way you want her to.

From your posts it would seem she wants some space, you also say she is depressed. Leave her be for now, if your marriage is going to last the course what's the harm in letting things pass and not forcing a conversation for a few months?

[RackofPeas]

Was thinking of something to write - but SneakyB said everything so well so just read what she said!
Have you read up about depression and pnd? She simply might not feel like communication and from personal experience I know a side effect of prozac was to feel very cut off from the world and not wanting to communicate with anyone at all.
Please take a step back from it all, although I know its bloody hard. She is not responding in a mature and sensible way, but she is ill and that may well be a root cause for a lot of the behaviour thats hard to cope with. I've also been on the other side of it and in more than one occasion have wished the person in question would indeed pull their head out of their arse, but knowing they can't as its part of the illness.

[1Morewineplease]

Oh OP... You have my sympathies... I too behaved v much like your wife... I was depressed. I just felt so alone and , alas, my DH bore the brunt of my angst. He was v v patient and somehow , one day , we both found light at the end of the tunnel though, to be fair, we have an amazing supportive family and an enlightened GP.
At the time we both felt it would be so much easier if we called it a day but we kept remembering why we fell in love with each other in the first place. we are still together nearly 25 years later and life is dandy for us.
This is probably of very little help to you now but your DW is going through a tricky time and her depression is manifesting in a way that you don't like. Feel you're going to have to find a superhuman effort from within and just see if you could ride it out a bit longer... Find some babysitters and a cleaner or an au pair if you can... If only for a couple of months and focus on your wife.
All the very best to you and your family.

[HoldYerWhist]

I think that the responses would have been vastly different had you changed the genders.

I know that you would have been told your wife is EA.

I know it wouldn't have been assumed that you didn't do equal amounts of childcare (when you're not away).

That being said, you throw in her depression in one post towards the end of the thread. That tells me that you either don't understand that it's a very real illness or that you dismiss it as not being important/real.

Either way you need to start educating yourself about it because she is sick and part of that for a lot of people is unreasonable behaviour/tiredness/shutting down etc. etc. Educate yourself instead of painting her as the big bad wolf.

With regard to posting here, only you know your motives. You must know that she will recognise herself if she comes across this thread. So, are you hoping to upset her? Draw her into an argument?

Look honestly at your own motives...

One final thing; years ago my now dh was like your dw. We'd argue and all of a sudden, after he'd said whatever he wanted, he'd walk away. Ignore me. Stonewall. And the more upset I got, the more he ignored so I ended up looking erratic and aggressive but he would always make sure he wound me up first.

It was fucking horrible. It was abusive, IMO. So I walked away.

We managed to get back together after he spent a year with various counsellors etc.

What I'm saying is her behavior is not ok and is not your fault. Unfortunately with depression it's probably not her fault either.

[Pagwatch]

Dealing with a person suffering with depression require a lot.
You have to love them, support them and accept the bleakness while this illness is treated.

The op sounds irritated and bored by his wife. There is little talk of love. Unless the op can find it in him to see his wife as ill I think it's over.
Talk of wanting her to get her head out of her ass suggests this is unlikely.

[Orange6358]

OP what would make your wife happier? What needs does your wife have?

[duchesse]

^ Fatmomma99 Sat 30-May-15 00:05:14

If you work away a lot and she's doing all the child care, she's prob desperate for a break from it. Stop initiating conversation and look after your kids while she has a break.

Talk to her after you've done 10 hours straight.

See if that works better.^

This. Try this instead of harassing an already harassed woman with two very small children, and let us know how it goes in about 6 months' time. Bear in mind that she will still be doing this 6/7 of the week.

[TheAssassinsGuild]

OP - you might want to ask for this to be moved to Relationships.

[Orange6358]

It's a bad idea to stay together for the kids. At least if you lived apart, you'd have the kids a couple of days a week and she would get a complete break.

[HoldYerWhist]

The op sounds irritated and bored by his wife. There is little talk of love. Unless the op can find it in him to see his wife as ill I think it's over. Talk of wanting her to get her head out of her ass suggests this is unlikely

I think you're right.

[Songlark]

Play her at her own game, just ignore and hopefully, if she wants to make it work she'll come round. It's not creating a nice atmosphere round the children though.

[HoldYerWhist]

Songlark, the woman has depression. I doubt she's playing a game.

[Orange6358]

I don't see how the childcare care/chores are split 50/50 though - if you're away for work 4 days, she's shouldering everything in your absence while also working.

[ApignamedJasper]

But isn't he allowed a support space too Ninky?

[Orange6358]

Could you consider putting some support in place if she agrees - a cleaner once a week, a baby sitter one night a week so she can go for a walk/run with a friend while you are away, you could cook some meals in advance and freeze them for her

[HoldYerWhist]

I understood that this working away was a temporary thing?

[Newrule]

Does depression excuse his wife's behaviour? No! She probably functions very well at work and do not resort to the tactics she is employing at home. Therefore, she is perfectly capable of acting reasonably and regulating her behaviour.

If depression is seen as an excuse for appalling behaviour, then given its prevalence in society, our country would be in an absolute mess.

Depression is a very difficult illness and should not be wielded about as THE reason for poor conduct.

[Newrule]

Also the OP's wife is on anti-depressants. If these are not working then she should visit her doctor again.

[Pagwatch]

Oh don't be a dick newrule.

I was depressed, near suicidal and many people close to me had no idea.

That really is a preposterously stupid post.

You may be really keen to take a side on this thread but talking guff about an illness which kills people - including a friend of mine - won't advance your cause.

[BeCool]

Oh don't be a dick newrule x 2

[HoldYerWhist]

Ffs newrule I actually refuse to engage with such ignorant shite.

quietly it's still said loudly and proudly in my family and small town!

My nanny says "hold yer whist to cool yer porridge"!