AIBU to “insist” on communicating with my wife?

[TheOtherSide]

Times are stressful at the moment. Sprog 1, 3.5yo & sprog 2 1yo. My wife & I are always arguing. Any topic is fair game from what to watch on TV through to Money, shopping, weather etc etc.

My Wife has found a new coping strategy – its called “Just ignore him”, state your feelings & walk away. Instead of arguing, ignore him and spend your time productively browsing the web or playing computer games. This irritates me, resolves nothing and has been going on for months.

We have blazing rows and either....

1. I follow her around the house and attempt to communicate – I'm then accused of being a stalker.
   

1. We ignore & avoid each other – about a week later she pretends that everything is ok and nothing happened.
   

I'm working away from home during the week for the next couple of months. I got home on Thursday night about 9pm and tried to engage her in non controversial casual conversation, e.g. check out this funny clip of a toddler on FB. She tried to ignore me and then had a massive go at me for wasting her time and went to bed.

I have suggested “Marriage Guidance” but this was poo poohed as she felt that last time the councillor sided with me. I arranged a course of sessions with a different organisation, and hence different counsellor, but she still refused to go. She then suggested that I attend on my own.

Key points...

a. I can't see how the marriage is going to survive/progress if we can't communicate.
b. If we didn't have kids then i'd gladly walk/run right now but we do so I will not.
c. I/we need to find a way forward

...any ideas?

Thanks.

[TheOtherSide]

1. She spends half her life on MS. If she spent 1/10th of that time talking to me instead then I wouldn't be here.
   

1. The last time we had a laugh/happy moments? Barn dance. Great night. Pretty sure it was before Sprog 2, i.e. > 1 year ago.

[HellKitty]

Helpkeepmestrong - fair point! I just find 'sprogs' a bit dismissive.

Op, what would she say if you asked her what she wanted?

[ClawofBumhead]

Some of these replies seem to me to amount to "be on the woman's side in any case", given the damning criticisms I see of DH in other threads if he does childish withdrawal of communication and affection.

My response would be the same either way. At least initially if they want space, give them all the space they can handle and more. Perhaps it will benefit them, perhaps it will make the heart grow fonder, but if nothing else it will give you chance to relax and forget about their sorry behaviour for a bit.

[BitOfFun]

I'm assuming you mean MN?

If that's the case, do you realise what massively bad form it is for you to effectively follow her here so you can gloat that her imaginary friends in the computer all stick up for you? It's just an extension of your obviously irritating habit of pursuing her around the house to force her to engage with you.

[helpmekeepstrong]

I just read the post again and swopped the genders. Have to say it read differently. It maybe she resents the fact that (although it is necessary) you will be working away and she will feel the full pressure of weekdays coping on her own. She is clearly not happy. Let her breathe for a bit, perhaps?

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

HappyMeerkat I don't think some PPs are making assumptions. I think they have picked up on some details in the OP that you missed eg the OP said his DW walked away instead of arguing. There's a massive difference between walking away from an argument and walking away from a conversation. The OP said his DW was doing the former.

As for the counselling, the OP said his DW felt the counsellor sided with him. That doesn't mean the OP had 'better points'. It means his DW felt the dynamic was uneven in the counselling. The counsellor should have identified that as an issue and either suggested individual counselling or intervened to try to balance the dynamic.

[thornrose]

She spends half her life on MS I assume that is meant to be MN? So are you hoping she recognises herself in your posts and... what?

[helpmekeepstrong]

1. She spends half her life on MS. Well if she does, what are you doing here? Go and vent somewhere that isn't her space! That's put a totally different perspective on things!

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

OP, whether you have the absolute best intentions here and are simply desperate, or you're yet another of these sinister whackadoodles (just saw that word on another thread, love it) that follows their partner onto Mumsnet, posting on here was clearly a terrible idea if one of the main problems seems to be that you follow her around picking at arguments like a dog with a bone when she's trying to get away from the situation. This wasn't going to help, was it?

[TheOtherSide]

BitOfFun - "'m assuming you mean MN?

If that's the case,..."

...I'm bored trying to communicate with her so I'm exploring other adult opinions. That is the purpose of this forum.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

I agree with BOF. It's very invasive to post on a website that your DW uses for support and advice.

If you genuinely didn't realise how inappropriate it was to post here, you can ask MN to delete your thread and apologise to your DW for trying to invade her space online (if she knows you are here).

[helpmekeepstrong]

...I'm bored trying to communicate with her Now, bored is sending a different message. Worried, concerned, troubled, saddened, frightened by the situation and outcome would get my attention. Bored, sounds like truculence.

[thornrose]

That is not the purpose of this forum.

You sound like hard work. I imagine she's beyond bored of trying to communicate with you.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

On the other hand, if your DW is trying to collate evidence of your controlling and possibly emotionally abusive attitude then you've handed her a prize with this thread.

[TheOtherSide]

I'm not trying to invade anyones space.

If I posted on "DadsNet" or what ever the equivalent is then I'd just get 99.999% of blokes agreeing with me. I want to get to the bottom of this and talking to other women has already given me an insight.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

The purpose of this forum is not to let partners stalk each other or take their arguments online.

However, if your DW is trying to collate evidence of your controlling and possibly emotionally abusive attitude then you've handed her a prize with this thread.

[ClawofBumhead]

The purpose of this forum is not to let partners stalk each other or take their arguments online.

However, if your DW is trying to collate evidence of your controlling and possibly emotionally abusive attitude then you've handed her a prize with this thread.

[TheOtherSide]

I have not stalked anyone. This is a public forum designed to discuss arguments. I have simply used it as a resource. If that's a crime then hang me.

So far, I've had more to think about tonight in the last couple of hours then the last several months. In the absence of a cooperative wife that's useful stuff.

[yearofthegoat]

I am not a HCP but wonder if your wife is depressed. Has she seen a doctor at all recently?

You both sound deeply unhappy. Have you told her how unhappy you are? Rather than talking about issues/youtube clips? Did she engage at all with you? If you have said you're unhappy and if you are sure she isn't depressed then book a session with a solicitor and tell her. Her reaction will tell you if she wants to work to save her marriage. If she tells you to get on with it then you have your answer.

[Charis1]

I think the term "sprogs" sounds like one of those silly affectionate nicknames, it comes across as quite loving to me.

But I wonder if you are flogging a dead horse with this relationship.

[BernardlookImaprostituterobotf]

What's happened with the posts? I thought it was just a multiple post glitch but there's the same one from two different usernames?

Op - you sound overbearing. I'm not ascribing an intention but that is definitely the impression I'm getting.
The more you needle the more likely a withdrawal from the other party. You're bored of trying to communicate with her? Sounds like she isn't responding to being baited in the way you want her to and you don't like it.

[TheOtherSide]

Yes she has seen a Dr and has received a prescription for anti-deprecients, as well as a course of counselling.

If I told her tomorrow that I wanted a divorce then she would probably accept and mummy would finance the divorce, house settlements, bail her out etc etc. Mummy is genuinely lovely but loaded, naive and would just want to protect her daughter & grand kids.

Against a Women with a well funded solicitor - I'm fucked - Its the way the world works.

Whilst people on here have accused me of using the kids ( & that sucks) its genuinely the only reason I'm still here.

...and again people will argue till they are blue in the face that divorce is the universal fix to all problems they can't be arsed with but,

a. I know how sad the kids are when I'm away from home just for a couple of nights despite Skyping in the morning and bed time. Just imagine every other weekend.

b. I WANT TO BRING MY KIDS UP - not any old random person that she fancies.

If I can get her to pull her head out of her arse and start communicating and functioning like a normal human being then we may have a chance of surviving the near future.