AIBU to “insist” on communicating with my wife?

[TheOtherSide]

Times are stressful at the moment. Sprog 1, 3.5yo & sprog 2 1yo. My wife & I are always arguing. Any topic is fair game from what to watch on TV through to Money, shopping, weather etc etc.

My Wife has found a new coping strategy – its called “Just ignore him”, state your feelings & walk away. Instead of arguing, ignore him and spend your time productively browsing the web or playing computer games. This irritates me, resolves nothing and has been going on for months.

We have blazing rows and either....

1. I follow her around the house and attempt to communicate – I'm then accused of being a stalker.
   

1. We ignore & avoid each other – about a week later she pretends that everything is ok and nothing happened.
   

I'm working away from home during the week for the next couple of months. I got home on Thursday night about 9pm and tried to engage her in non controversial casual conversation, e.g. check out this funny clip of a toddler on FB. She tried to ignore me and then had a massive go at me for wasting her time and went to bed.

I have suggested “Marriage Guidance” but this was poo poohed as she felt that last time the councillor sided with me. I arranged a course of sessions with a different organisation, and hence different counsellor, but she still refused to go. She then suggested that I attend on my own.

Key points...

a. I can't see how the marriage is going to survive/progress if we can't communicate.
b. If we didn't have kids then i'd gladly walk/run right now but we do so I will not.
c. I/we need to find a way forward

...any ideas?

Thanks.

[BitOfFun]

You sound bloody unbearable. I'm not surprised she's had a gutful.

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

Against a Women with a well funded solicitor - I'm fucked - Its the way the world works.
As women are repeatedly informed on here when scared of their husbands' expensive lawyers - the law does not operate on the basis of how much money you put into it. In what way do you think you would be 'fucked'? What do you think you will lose that you shouldn't?

Whilst people on here have accused me of using the kids ( & that sucks) its genuinely the only reason I'm still here.
People have said you are using the kids as a reason to stay. Which is exactly what you just said, so I'm not sure what the problem is.

a. I know how sad the kids are when I'm away from home just for a couple of nights despite Skyping in the morning and bed time. Just imagine every other weekend.
I'm sure the kids would prefer spending time with two happy parents separately. This environment is not good for them and they will pick up on it as they get older.

b. I WANT TO BRING MY KIDS UP - not any old random person that she fancies.
You don't sound like you rate her taste in men. I'm not sure I do either.

If I can get her to pull her head out of her arse and start communicating and functioning like a normal human being then we may have a chance of surviving the near future.
Not likely when the kids are 'genuinely the only reason' you're still there. I also like how it's all her fault. Even after all the posts you've received on this thread.

[BitOfFun]

I'm sensing a pair of Spider-Man pyjamas, Smilla...

[bossykate]

"Pull her head out of her arse", "cooperative wife" - ugh

[KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes]

If she's depressed then she can't function like a normal human.

Is she still taking anti-depressants? It's a long process. You don't just get the perscription and are magically better.

The 'rich mummy' comments are odd. Do you resent that your wife isn't dependent on you and would be okay if you split?

[yearofthegoat]

I really don't like you tone in the last post OP. If you are in the UK I would put it down to tiredness and posting before thinking but you sound very mean.

You said If I can get her to pull her head out of her arse and start communicating and functioning like a normal human being then we may have a chance of surviving the near future. about the mother of your children, who is currently on antidepressants. Can't you see how this makes you look?

Regarding her mother- Of course her mother will put her daughter and grandchildren before her SIL. Any parent would do this.

[TheOtherSide]

"Against a Women with a well funded. In what way do you think you" ...
1a. Have you visited planet earth recently? If you are a women then you win by default. Fact.
1b. I'm worried about losing the right to parent my kids - everything else can go hang.


People have said you are using the kids as a reason to stay. Which is...
...I agree. They are 100% the reason. But lets suppose for 1 second that I got custody, the kids would still be miserable because they would be with out their mum, which is why I'm looking extra f'ing hard for a better answer.


"I'm sure the kids would prefer spending time with two happy parents separately. This environment is not good for them and they will pick up on it as they get older."
... an interesting theory - Would you argue this enthusiastically if you were a man?


"I WANT TO BRING MY KIDS UP - not any old random person that she fancies.
You don't sound like you rate her taste in men. I'm not sure I do either"
...I'd agree with you & told her so in the early days. Perhaps we should have divorced years ago - we've only been married 13 years - but it was her choice, her bed etc - now there are kids involved she should accept her choice and move forwards.


If I can get her to pull her head out of her arse and start communicating ... like how it's all her fault. Even after all the posts you've received on this thread.
...if she communicated her problems instead of ignoring me then perhaps we could figure out a way forward. Instead she just buries her head in the sand.

[KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes]

She has communicated.

Her actions tell you she's depressed and she's too tired to argue. She's stating her opinions and walking away because the rowing exhausts her. She can't stand you following her around continuing to bully her. She needs some space.

I'm the least perceptive person on the planet and even I've picked that up.

She's depressed. Let her chill out.

[TheOtherSide]

The 'rich mummy' comments are odd. Do you resent that your wife isn't dependent on you and would be okay if you split?

...I don't resent financial independence, but I do resent the fact that she is automatically entitled to preferential treatment by law as the mother and then financially infinity supported by her hum. A one horse race if ever there was one.

[TheOtherSide]

I have avoided speaking to her for weeks. Things then get better, then the slightest thing sets her off again and we are back to square 1.

[KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes]

If you're working away it makes sense for her to have them, surely?

And she'll have her mum to help. Vital when you're living with depression.

[TheOtherSide]

3:30. Off to bed, good night.

[TheOtherSide]

"If you're working away it makes sense for her to have them, surely?

And she'll have her mum to help. Vital when you're living with depression."

...I work at a fixed locn away from home. They could live with me equally.

Off to bed now. good night.

[ApignamedJasper]

Would post something longer but it's too late and I'm too tired but just wanted to say that, despite being a man (which often seems to be viewed as some sort if crime on MN), you are completely entitled to ask questions and receive answers on an anonymous Internet forum, just as your DW is. She doesn't own the internet or MN, this isn't a ladies only changing room so I don't know what all the 'her space' comments are about. Feel free to ask anything and everything you need to if you think it will help save your marriage OP :)

[Newrule]

HappyMeerKat, very good to read your posts. I pity the man who comes here looking for advice. The double standards are astonishing.

OP, your wife's behaviour is emotionally abusive and, unless she is suffering from depression, wholly immature.

If she says the counsellor took your side, then I am minded to believe that your wife is unreasonable and refuses yo accept any responsibility for the state of the relationship. It cannot all be your fault (of course some of it will be).

I agree with the other posters who say that the two of you must decide whether this relationship is worth the misery. The question has to be put to your wife bluntly.

Counselling on your own is not a bad idea.

You are doing well to proactively look for a solution to make things better. Resding the relationship threads on here, it is clear that many men would not have bothered or would have used this situation to justify cheating.

[Koalafications]

Honestly, I read your OP and felt really quite sorry for you. However, your posts have became more and more aggressive and I think I'm starting to see why your wife may have issues with you.

Read your replies back in the morning when you have a fresh head on and if you still think your replies are normal then I think individual counselling is the right way to go as I think you are probably not helping the situation with your wife at all.

[Newrule]

I would get more and more wound up if I came on here for advice and received the sort of hostile responses the OP received.

He is clearly stressed and came on here looking for advice. Post after post is filled with accusations against him. Very few provide any support. Would your stress levels not rise further?

The OP should think twice about posting any further because, with the responses he is likely to receive, I cannot see him coming out feeling positive about any way forward. He will be savaged.

[ItsRainingInBaltimore]

Oh dear. This is a very classic example of a thread that would have gone another way altogether had the OP been a woman.

I do think that men sometimes don't do themselves any favours in the way that they express their feelings and describe the issues on MN - this so clearly is written by a man, the language is different. Men often write/speak in a way that makes them sound more offhand but it doesn't mean they are not feeling just as hurt inside as any woman who might write about the same problems. Some of the responses on here are very unfair and undeserved and the same things would not have been said to a woman.

TheOtherSide I really think it's crunch time. Whether it's because of her depression or whether she just doesn't love you any more, you need to bring this to a head now and force a conversation about it. Find out what the problem is and whether she is even remotely interested in fixing it, or whether she is actually just hoping that if she keeps this up you will admit defeat and go away quietly.

Things have clearly gone too far to keep trying to 'be normal' You've tried that - it doesn't work, for whatever reason she is really struggling with facing up to what's going on in the relationship and she's burying it. Maybe she's frightened that if she lets it all out things will never be the same again and she just wants to keep the family unit together because she's scared of the alternative. That can work to a point, but only to a point. Eventually, if one person in the marriage is really unhappy it will be like a pressure cooker that will blow.

Stop trying to coax her into normal sociable conversation and then get frustrated and angry when she rejects you. It's understandable that you feel immensely frustrated and want to vent about it, but she obviously can't deal with the confrontation and just wants to close it right down, which is why she walks away.

There is only so long you can go round in that loop. It's time to ask her straight what she wants. Tell her calmly, gently but firmly that you are both GOING to sit down and talk like adults about about the state of your marriage and its future.

Pick a time when the children are in bed or at granny's, don't blind side her at a totally inappropriate time when she's busdy or distracted, or on the the back of another row or rejection, or when emotions are running high, that will be a disaster.

Ask her straight what it is that she wants. Ask her if she feels insufficiently supported with the children. Ask her if she can articulate what it is that has changed for her and if she even knows why she is unhappy. Ask her straight if she has simply stopped loving you and wants out, but can't being herself to say it. Ask her about her depression and whether she feels overwhelmed and unable to respond to you in the way she would like, but still loves you. Tell her you just can't carry on in this weird state of denial, in limbo, being unhappy and confused and not knowing where you stand.

It's tricky because if she knows you wont leave unless she forces you to then the ball is still in her court really, and she can carry on with her state of avoidance and denial for as long as she likes and you'll have to lump it. Maybe she's secretly hoping you'll leave if she keeps this up for long enough, so she doesn't have to face up to being the one to say it's over.

But hopefully the 'make or break' conversation will galvanise her into action or an honest response of some sort - even if the results are not what you would hope for, or you have to sit there and hear a long list of criticisms about you and why it's all your fault. At least she'll be talking and you'll know here you stand. And you can move forward from there, either alone or together.

[ItsRainingInBaltimore]

bring herself to say it

[ItsRainingInBaltimore]

And it's also worth remembering that women often do go through a few years of feeing a bit self-contained and not especially enthusiastic or communicative when they have young children. The relentless pull on their time, their physical being, the total lack of any down time and any privacy can take its toll. You just want some time and space to not have to speak to anyone or have anyone needing something physical or emotional from you because it feels relentless and exhausting. it's hard to explain. Lots of marriages crumble in that period, lots of men can't cope with what they see as a rejection of them but it isn't always, it's just about a deep need to be left alone and not have any more demands made on you because you feel burnt out emotionally. I remember that feeling well. If she tells you that YES! this is what it is, and if you can just you can ride it out, there is a good chance it will get get better as the children get older and she'll get her mojo back eventually. But you need to force the conversation and pick your time right.

[Koalafications]

I think there were quite a few supportive posts at the begininng of the thread. The tone of the thread seemed to change with the tone of the OP.

I think men do get a tougher ride on MN than women do, however, I think in this case the OP has made it hard for themselves.

[Newrule]

Koala, I don't agree. The posts were hostile even before the OP's frustration began to build. Nothing new for MN.

ItsRaining, sound post. Good advice.

[Koalafications]

Well, we can agree to disagree

[Newrule]

Indeed. Goes without saying.

Hope all is resolved for the good of the OP and his wife.