to ask those of you who consider yourself to have a good and happy life

[ChuffinAda]

What's the secret?

I feel like I got a shit hand when they were giving out good lives! I'm sure things aren't meant to be THIS hard

I think lots of people find great meaning and purpose in overcoming adversity, but this doesn't mean you bounce about singing Zip a dee do dah when you've just been dumped at the altar or told you or a loved one has six months to live.

There's a lot of research on this, good research. Psychologically healthy people with fulfilling lives don't run from or minimise negative experiences, they feel what they feel AND direct their actions towards living a life that's personally meaningful in whatever small way they can at that point in time. They don't just think happy thoughts of flowers and hearts and stars, they just manage to unhook from negative thoughts when they come up. This is different to suppressing negative experiences, which has been demonstrated to increase the amount of time thinking negatively over time.

Haven't RTFT fully yet but absolutely agree with all the pps that say it is attitude. That can get you a long way I think even when everything around you seems to be going wrong.

Enjoying small pleasures that are easily gained (small bunch of flowers, good cup of tea or glass of wine , nice view, DC playing, magazine). DH always says I'm childlike in my enthusiasm (in a nice way ) and that seems to be a reason.

Other things that help me personally are as a result of knowing myself. I know I am easily stressed and anxious so looking after myself, being organised, saving money to spend on the family, arranging things in advance and sleeping when I can. I have also got incredible DH. We've been through lots together inc fertility treatment and have beautiful DC, we've always travelled hopefully.

Hope you are ok op.

I think the fact that you are asking this means that you are ready to try to make changes which could help you. Lots of good advice on this thread: but when I felt like you, I had some good advice myself.

One thing was to remember that "this too will pass" - so however awful you feel today, tomorrow may well be better.

Another was to make the effort each morning, when I woke up, to count my blessings. There are always blessings even if all you can think of is "I'm still alive". You would be surprised how much this helps, and how much better it makes you feel in a short time - perhaps because it means you're making yourself start the day in a positive frame of mind?

And the last thing was to treat every single encounter as a chance to make a new friend. So if someone said hello, I said hello back; if they said "must do coffee sometime" I followed up, and if they just chatted I made sure I chatted back. You mentioned about people not always contacting you: and I know how hard it can be to pick up the phone sometimes, but you do clearly have friends you can reach out to. They may have their own problems, and perhaps they too don't have the strength to get through the day, let alone ring you to find out how you are?

I hope you start to feel better soon x

I am a very optimistic person, and I have often wondered why and been glad I am!
I remember as a young child thinking how lucky I was to have been born into a fairly middle class family in England rather than in abject poverty in a very poor country.
I did not have a happy childhood, experienced painful abuse, but still remained optimistic always thinking that one day my real parents (who would be a prince and princess) would come! I left home at 16 and have had other challenges through life but am still happy and content.
I think it is fascinating reading this thread and trying to work out if attitude/disposition is something you are born with, like skin and hair colour, or if it is something that develops over years. Why are some siblings positive after suffering shitty lives and others very negative. What makes the difference?
I don't know but am thankful I am a positive person, and certainly find it easy to get pleasure from small things in life, a walk, a cup of tea, a good book etc. I don't feel it is anything I have done, as such, so maybe luck plays part, in being born with a positive outlook. Who knows!
To everyone who has had adversity and and .

I was the most negative person you would ever meet in my childhood up until my mid 20's.

I am still not a positive Polly by any stretch of the imagination but I am better than I was. I genuinely became happier when I met my second husband and matured more. I found that when I hit my 30's I wasn't so preoccupied with what others thought of me and I started to know where I really wanted to be in life.

I have had shit after shit thrown at me. I also made choices when younger that has left me feeling trapped at times and unable to reach my goals. I have had a hell of a few years, mental illness, my husband is disabled, my children lost their father (my ex) and then two grandparents from cancer. Things just kept piling on and I don't think a positive outlook would have changed much. I find it easier to feel anger for a while, accept life can be shit then move on the best I can. I didn't want a positive attitude then. Life was shit at that point. I didn't expect to feel happy.

I know a positive Polly but she just comes across as fake. It's like she is too scared to feel pain and it is obviously so fake. I admire those who have positive outlooks but I can tell the difference between those who are genuinely that way and those who use it as a cover because they don't want to feel the pain certain life events can bring.

I would say that while the last couple of years have not been great I am content. I am happy with being content. I am never going to be the happiest person in the world but I have a wonderful marriage and family, decent physical health and I am still young enough to reach my goals, albeit much slower than I would have hoped.

I find it easier to accept that life can be shit at times. I can feel angry when life deals me a bad hand, get it out of my system then try to brush myself down.

OP

I can't imagine how awful it is to live with chronic pain.

I think with siblings experiences are often very different. I was generally very tenacious, resilient and optimistic always despite having grown up in a very chaotic alcoholic home but I can be poor with stress management and I did struggle when I went from one child to two after a difficult pregnancy and got a severe perinatal anxiety disorder for a few months. I responded well to treatment and see it more like an unresolved grief reaction that I needed to deal with, well since.

My sister has a lot of deep resentment and sadness about our childhood and is quite negative about it and life, has had loads of issues with finding her place in many aspects of life and is morbidly obese and has treatment at an Eating disorders clinic for overeating and really resists intervention.

However I do think our experiences as children were different even in the same house. Things were worse when she was born and in her early years and I was very academically bright which gave me a lot of access to positive adults at school. There's a lot of research on different roles and outcomes in adult children of alcoholics and I drew the better straw in some respects.

I'm so sorry for those of you having a hard time, tbh right now I am struggling. We lost my MIL 4 weeks ago and the last few weeks have therefore been incredibly busy sorting out her flat etc etc, obviously my main concern is to support my DH. My Dad is a shit, we haven't seen him for 16 months and he has hurt me beyond belief, we are vaguely in touch and I am going to try to see him in June but there is no real way back. I have no Mum, I don't enjoy my 5 and 8 year old DS's as much as I should cause I have too much to do, I am always stressed, DH works shifts so sometimes I feel like a single parent and a bad one at that. Also having problems with work, sick of being self employed, considering getting back into admin work but have just been rejected, limited to having to work school hours cause the boys have so much on after school, considering retail but doubt they would let me do the hours I want. I am normally a miserable cow but quite inspired by things but right now I just feel glum and need to find a way forward. On Friday I burst into tears on a complete stranger after I had just got my rejection email which I am mortified about but hopefully I will never see her again. Need to stay strong cause I dont want to worry anybody and this recent loss is more about my DH, also still recovering from losing a very close friend last year. Like some of the others have said, life has been this shite before, the difference is that last time round I had personal space to deal with it, ie no kids, feel like a donkey who is needed 24/7, know I shoudl be glad of that but hard. Sorry had to get that out.

I don't think I have a naturally sunny -, Pollyanna disposition but I have found mindfulness very helpful in learning to appreciate the positive in life and cope with difficult emotions.
I am fortunate enough not to have to deal with chronic pain but Mindfulness is also thought to help with pain management. The book "Full catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn is very good.
"The Mindful way through depression" by Mark Williams is also good and comes with a cassette.
A couple of years of practice have made a big difference for me so I would like to share this with other people in the hope you find it helpful.
Sometimes we really are objectively going through a really upsetting, crap time -in other situations it can be our own perspective that's dragging us down.

Dance That's a nice list. I think one of the key things that makes me happier than some other people is I know what I like. So - for example- I hate travelling, just don't like it, more of a homebody, so I limit how much I do in my job and try to take staycations as much as possible. Then I feel refreshed and really enjoy my home and friends around me instead of feeling stressed out trying to catch a plane and discover where to buy food at 10 o clock at night with the children howling.

I also try to ignore 'shoulds' of which there are a lot on MN. Apparently it's quite lazy to stay in your PJs all day and not go out on the weekend and do some improving exercise like bike-riding- great if you love that, but if you are tired out, then a nice nap might actually set you up better than riding around, unless that's what you all love to do. Knowing what you need, and what makes you happy/energized is definitely important- I have friends who seem always exhausted and ill because their schedule is just over-full but they seem to think there's something bad about admitting defeat and not having that extra dinner party/friends over on the weekend.

I think being true to yourself, and not having to pretend too much in your work or your relationships, makes you happier, being yourself is immensely freeing, even if the real you is slightly less dynamic and go-getting at times than you might like.

The final thing is luck though, I am lucky that although most of my family have MH problems, I don't and have never really had depression. I did once and it was just awful, so anyone with long-term depressive illnesses, even if they tackle them and get help and so on, that's going to be a harder life than if you are lucky enough not to have them.

Be grateful for what you have.

When DH and I were young he had a job that could have resulted in him being blown up in any normal working day (non military)
I therefore learned to be pleased that he came home at all.

For many years possibly due to some poor decisions we were very broke. I am now very aware and very grateful about financial freedom.

Many of the people I've met who are frustrated in their lives have never ever really experienced true, life threatening, stress.

Many of the people I've met who have an inner calm have done so.

There are also the peachy gits for whom the dice has always rolled right : the good ones of them are aware of their luck and try to bring luck to others.

The ones who are not aware - dunno, I cut ties with them.

I am mostly happy.I think it is because I have a happy healthy family who love each other and a lovely hubby.

I used to always be plotting and planning what was next - next holiday, next house etc etc. Having DS has helped dampen that down, I wouldn't say it's totally disappeared but I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be. I try to enjoy the moments with him - especially the night feeds - as I know he won't be so tiny for ever and, morbidly, I don't know the future so I need to appreciate every moment I have with him. I know that sounds totally grim but as I mentioned up thread, I had a sister who died aged 4. I was only 18 months old so while I knew it was sad, I never realised how crushingly terrible it must have been for my parents until I had DS. My sister was sick and had to do physical therapy and hated it - Mum often says wistfully "if I knew I'd only have her for such a short time I would never have bothered I'd have just read her stories and played with her and dne things to make her happy."

I don't mean that I live my life as a parent with the prevailing philosophy of "what if this was DS' last day" when he's perfectly healthy, but what I mean is life can change in an instant so I try to be aware that I have a happy life and that I am lucky right now, rather than wishing life away.

I like the phrase "peachy gits"

Yes, know a few of those and it is uncanny that if the teeniest things go wrong for them it's drama central. Often they are so thick skinned (hairy, peachy type) that they'll be rabbiting on to someone who has really awful things going on in their life about a totally trivial matter as if that is so much more important.

I think health "luck" is on another level: it's hard for a moral human being to understand the hand of fate (or genes) in this. It's darn not fair if a good person has their life blighted by illness. I do get minorly irritated with people who say it's a "tragedy" that they lost a parent (elderly) though. We are not at the moment able to live forever so in the natural order of things you will lose your parents . Hopefully it will be peaceful, but it will happen.

i know it probably sounds trite... but the 2 things i think are KEY in being happy are: be grateful, and spend some of your resource (be it time/money whatever) for someone else.
It's not always easy when things are going horribly wrong, but there is something you can be grateful for, somewhere, somehow.
And doing something for someone else gives you a deep down satisfaction that very little else can give. Not in a controlling, unbalanced, servile way, but just practise a little personal sacrifice and unselfishness...

and I think the ability to be interested in things is important.

Appreciating and enjoying the ordinary day-to-day stuff is what makes me happy. Just things like nice food, reading, a cup of tea, going out into the countryside.

Reminding myself frequently how lucky I am to have a loving DP and a fantastic DS - even though things aren't perfect I feel lucky to have the contentment and security of my little family unit, we mostly get along well and we are all (touch wood) healthy.

Friendships are a big part of happiness for me and this is a more difficult area for me, I am naturally shy and had some very upsetting experiences in my late teens which I haven't completely bounced back from. We've also had to move around quite a bit so locally I don't really have friends I can go for coffee with. That is something I want to try hard to change because I know it will make me much happier. I believe it's definitely possible to make changes to make your life happier, you just have to identify what will help and go for it.

Not putting pressure on yourself to have the perfect home/family/career/body etc etc is also really important. Who are you trying to impress? Once you realise you don't have to prove anything to anyone it's easier to focus on what matters to you and in my case that's the basics like family, friendships, health, food and a roof over my head. Keeping it simple and having realistic expectations of myself and others. Having a sense of humour.

I just want to say it's great to see so many people talking about their emotions and mental health. Happiness is such a subjective thing and it's so much about finding what works for you but the one thing that all the people I've worked with have expressed is sharing and hearing about other peoples experiences is something that really does work in the healing, happiness journey!

I'm don't have a good life though would love to find happiness. I have tried to make friends since moving to a new area nice years ago but have pretty much given up. I have always wanted a best friend, someone to go out with or to phone but it's just not to be. I am married with two children. I love my children and they are everything to me but me and the kids don't like the husband/dad.

I have done various courses but yet to find a job. I am not close to my family who are disappointed in my failure to be successful at anything (other than having my children). We don't have nice holidays or anything.

Just can't imagine anyone wanting my life.

I would love to be able to go on a fun holiday with my children, have friends and just be generally happy.

Tbh I think it's a choice.
Sometimes it's down to how you choose to look at things.

Sometimes, things are just crap but you end up learning something out of that that actually make your life eaiser/happier in the long run.

But the only time you can have an influence on is the present. The past you can't change and the future hasn't happened yet. So make the best out of your present!

Oh and stop comparing yourself to others (and going on FB etc...)

That's what I learnt from the hard times I got (because we all have some) and the good ones I created.

I agree about FB. I wonder how it has impacted on mental health? It is difficult to jog along and be zen about things if every time you turn on a device you're smacked in the face with someone's perfect life. I don't like it when people say, "Oh, well, behind closed doors..." etc etc because I think schadenfreude is unpleasant. But FB is a licence to brag and I don't need 24/7 round robins in my life.

khulil
I do not have a best friend. I have lots of acquaintances, many of whom I could have a coffee with, but no best buddy.
Is it possible that you are looking for too much in friendships too early and thus people are veering away, leaving you back at square 1?
What if you were to try to get 1 x 1/10 best friends - so each one lower key.
Also then you'd have a variety of people to bounce ideas off when life gets too much.

brenda
One of the Peachy Gits is a family member, we call them that to their face and they grin and accept how unbelievably lucky they have been.
And try to spread the luck around. Hence they are a very nice and popular person.

perfect lives on FB : I have an FB friends whose life is unbelievably perfect on the surface. But she is aware of what she's had to give up for that facade - and is thus great fun.

"My cat shit on the floor, I'm glad I didn't stand in it "

Dogs and cats never seem to step in their own poo. I'm pretty sure if I did a poo in the middle of my front room I would accidently step in it, but they get away with it!

I'm generally happy but I would love to have a hobby I am passionate about. I try a new thing then get bored after a few goes. I'd love, love to be really passionate about something. I envy those people their interest in something.