to ask those of you who consider yourself to have a good and happy life

[ChuffinAda]

What's the secret?

I feel like I got a shit hand when they were giving out good lives! I'm sure things aren't meant to be THIS hard

"The first eighteen or so years of my life were miserable ..., so perhaps its just that I appreciate 'ordinariness' more than I would otherwise"

Me too!

Boring ordinary life is the most opulent luxury, and people have no idea.

Whilst I agree that attitude and gratitude and positivity plays a huge role - some people get the shitty end of the stick .

For those that start out in damaged families , and experience abuse and ill health - that's fucking hard and they need so much help to overcome it .

It's a complicated to say the least !

And yes appreciate what you have - as things can change in a heartbeat

My tips for happy life would be something like: don't try too hard, plenty of comfort junk food and soft drinks, get an easyish job out of any city and with short travel times, say "no" to people, make lots of time for yourself, stop taking any notice of the news.

Something else that has made a difference was when i stopped being my own worse enemy - i stopped critisizing myself and tried to only talk to myself in a positive way. I tried not to beat myself up for mistakes that I make, it's a very bad habit that serves no purpose other than making yourself more miserable.

Life goes through phases...

I never thought I would be where I am now - after sitting with my manic depressive mum on the council steps waiting for the housing department to find us a roof over our heads with 2 younger brothers and a baby sister when I was 14 and my alcoholic dad had run off 700 miles away to escape his responsibilities.

Now live in leafy suburbia in my own home with a lovely DH and 2 fantastic kids- and enough money to get along...

Another thing .... I think it's good to realise that you have the right to define your own life experiences, and maybe put a positive spin on those ...

So for example in my working life I've had the privilege of supporting many children and families through the early years and have found this rewarding if often exhausting and challenging too. Including the supply Nursery Teaching I did for a while I've probably worked in over a hundred different settings (nurseries, nursery classes, pre-schools etc)

Someone who didn't value the early years sector or see the challenges for women of balancing work with family life could describe things quite differently. They could certainly be more disparaging about the number of different jobs I've had - but I think it's all added to the variety of life and helped me gain a breadth of experience too.

You only live once. You need to keep and have your own perspective on things

Juggling - I agree...

Also how you react to life's little disappointments can taint how others see you - my BIL is "the unluckiest man alive" - he will buy a washing machine and it will not work properly, he will buy a tablet device and the display will be blurry, he will whinge about how he is soooooooooo unlucky, it ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLWAYS happens to him, whinge whinge whinge.....

It does happen to us too - but I would just arrange for it to be replaced.

I, despite the crappy start of my life - feel lucky - which does have a tendency to make you feel generally happier.

Some of it is personality. Both my children could be described as having the same easy and idyllic childhood. One is happy. The other sees everything not going his way as something to be unhappy about. He gets stuck behind every hurdle in his way and just can get over that. I am hoping that age will make him more open to psychological ways to overcome this attitude because, unless his attitude changes, he is going to be a very unhappy adult. His glass is definitely half empty. Perhaps his resilience is low because he has never really had proper troubles.

Myself, I would describe as generally happy and contented. I appreciate everything I have. Yes I would say I had a great upbringing and have made good choices, but I think it is easier to make good choices because I am confident in myself and my decisions, due to my good childhood. Is it a chicken or an egg?

Looking back I would have made some different decisions but I can't regret the less than good experiences, or I wouldn't be the person I am now.

In summary, I think your personality has a lot to do with it, your ability to understand and analyse your reactions to things, luck in having a solid childhood that gives you confidence in yourself and obviously luck in what external things life throws at you.

Some people have shittier hands dealt them but attitude is hugely important. Attitude can be changed with self awareness through counselling or reading self help books. But you have to have an open, rather than closed mind to take things on board. Again this depends on personality.

I think luck has a huge part to play. I consider myself to haven been incredibly lucky overall and am very grateful. I have friends who have had awful things to deal with - just horrible bad luck.

I do worry that "my luck" can't last for ever and someday it will all balance out.

I will agree that those people with a charmed life, solid background etc don't necessarily possess any 'secret' to impart to others, but watching how they behave around others can be very instructive .

I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional household and have always battled with low self-esteem (my nemesis).

Your mention of work/friends OP resonates with me so I will share what I did there. Oh, and I learnt this from studying Buddhism at the time and applying what I found out.

So at work, I was sort of 'mousy' and became quietly devastated that I was not fulfilling my potential creatively or financially. This is what I did. I stopped being involved in any office gossip. I'm not a very gossipy sort of person but it's easy to slip into. I would either stick up for the person being dissed, or I would walk away.

We had an unpleasant manager that everyone laughed at, so I began to find ways to 'support' him. If I had an hour free I would ask him if I could help him with his work. If he grunted No, I offered to make him some tea. Gradually, I think, he came to appreciate this quiet, consistent support.

(At his leaving do he thanked me for my 'true friendship').

I began learning a new piece of software, out of work hours. I worked really really hard at it and became fairly expert. My boss asked to see the result and was impressed enough to include this new thing in our next project, with me at the helm running my own small team.

It was lucky, but unexpected luck that I had somehow created.

I applied the same 'rules' to my friendships. I tried to be positive and warm towards everyone, and never bitched about a single soul. As a result I attracted warmth and friendship back.

I think I was a better person then than I am now, frankly. I think now I've written all that down I'm going to retake my own advice. Haha!

I'm with Dierdre and chaotic - I am inordinately thrilled with small pleasures (a glass of wine, a day out, a nice tea, a good programme on TV).

That said I have been pretty lucky so far. I had a happy childhood, although my parents were divorced. My mother remarried and we weren't well off but were happy and secure. I was lucky enough to meet my DH young, we are comfortable financially and we have been blessed with 2 DC. My family and ILs are all close by and we are a close family.

Our eldest has a life-changing genetic condition, but is well so far. And despite this, and a miscarriage and secondary infertility for 2.5 years, I still feel lucky. I count my blessings daily because it could all change again tomorrow. In some ways I feel that the MC and infertility are 'balancing the books' in some way and I don't really deserve any more luck....

This, that HellKitty said

I have an illness but I'm happy I've been diagnosed and am getting treatment. My cat shit on the floor, I'm glad I didn't stand in it

Some people get all 'why me?' about being diagnosed, whereas others appreciate the fact they live in the UK where we have the NHS to treat the illness, etc.etc. It's not what actually happens, IMO, but how you meet it head on.

My baby made it out of NNU - nothing else mattered apart from her making it through. She makes me happy and content :)

"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata".

I kinda agree with peppermint but feel that the positive attitude that people talk about is innate for some people. Their advice is so obvious and simple and correct. But if you don't naturally have that disposition then it is hard to follow, yet these sunny people can often seem to look down on struggling people as a bit stupid because they aren't following the wisdom of the sunny people. It is not that struggling people cannot see the sense In What sunny people say; it is just that they don't FEEL the sense, iyswim. It is an effort to change your disposition and attitude. I made great strides years ago and really thought I was now one of the sunny people too in my attitude. But recent events have made me struggle to FEEL the sense that I saw before. I am going to keep trying but I wish people would recognise that this positive attitude is bloody hard work for those of us not naturally wired up for it.

Life does go in phases, and some phases are pretty crap. I've had phases where all I have done is to sit and cry but you have to find the simple pleasures in the bad times as well as good - Desiderata (as just posted), and the poem If by Kipling sum it up pretty well, as does the poem about having time to stand and stare:

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this is if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
William Henry Davies

I am a generally very happy person, I think the secret is -
Appreciate all the small good things in life - a lovely cup of tea, tasty food, the company of children. But don't sweat the little bad things, try not to dwell too much on stuff.
Have something to look forward to.

Oh and forget about what others have or are doing! I am not particularly materialistic so I think that helps.

I think choices can play a big role, particularly greedy ones. I know several people who are completely miserable because they hate their job, yet the only reason they can't change to a dream career/better life is because they're attached to living in expensive houses, driving expensive cars, going on expensive holidays, and paying for expensive schools. They would be much happier living less expensive lives, which they could easily do if they didn't feel some misplaced sense of shame about deciding to do so. They kind of make their own hell, really.

Of course, this only applies to rich people who have the luxury of choice. There are plenty of people who work equally hard for minimum wage and don't have the option of changing things.

I think I have a happy life, but I also think I'm generally a positive thinker and appreciate my lot. I was bought up lovingly by a single parent- my dad was an alcoholic and a manic depressive but not unkind, difficult though.

I have a professional job, so does dh, he is kind to me at all times. I became pregnant with dd easily and she is a great kid and I'm also pregnant with a second so feel blessed.

We don't have much money, although we have bought a house and are doing it up. I don't think I've got it bad

shovetheholly I agree completely with what you said about rich people but also:

Of course, this only applies to rich people who have the luxury of choice. There are plenty of people who work equally hard for minimum wage and don't have the option of changing things.

If you are on minimum wage you can still find pleasures in the simple things - a walk through the park costs nothing yet you can enjoy looking at the flowers, or sitting by a river for a while spotting wildlife, things like that. Life doesn't have to be about material things.

I agree, Arty. I'm definitely not suggesting happiness is the sole preserve of the wealthy. But I do think that not having enough money to afford a basic, decent standard of living is a major stress for a lot of people, and militates against happiness. Equally, being ill for a prolonged period of time makes it more difficult (not impossible, just more difficult). I think very few people who are not either poor or sick can understand what a terrible difference those things can make: if you are in constant pain then 'positive thinking' is so much more of a challenge. I don't want to come over as the kind of glib person who suggests that it's a level playing field for everyone!!

I was a pretty miserable person for much of my life. Eventually I realised that the only person who can change me is me. I have made a conscious effort to do as others have said and appreciate the little things.
I have a modest life, a modest home, a few friends, three lovely adult children, one with MS, one with Autism, but I try to follow the example of St Paul who said he had learnt to be content whether things are good or bad.

holly agreed entirely - I spent most of last year being ill and poor and it was a massive struggle. Now we're just poor so it's easier (not being glib, it just is for us)