to ask those of you who consider yourself to have a good and happy life

[ChuffinAda]

What's the secret?

I feel like I got a shit hand when they were giving out good lives! I'm sure things aren't meant to be THIS hard

I used to be quite unhappy, and would get miserable over exactly the things you describe (not getting promoted, not really having many friends etc.), even though I've suffered none of the horrors that other posters describe. Then I lived in depths of Africa for 2 years with no electricity, and sometimes no running water (had to carry it 2km from the nearest river). Ever since I came back to the UK, I am happy pretty much all the time, even though my life is no different really then to what it is now. I love turning on a tap and feeling HOT water coming out, never mind cold! It's incredible! And to be able to have light at the flick of a switch, instead of scrambling around in pitch darkness trying to find matches and a candle, whilst simultaneously terrified that I might put my hand on a snake! I am also a lot less selfish and a lot less of a tight wad. I accept things that I can't do much about, like not having many friends - I'm an introvert and like my own company, and I have lots of siblings and my parents and husband to turn to if needs be anyway - many people don't even have that. So now, I am always kind and generous to people I bump into regularly, like the mums on the school run, but I don't stress out that none of them are really my 'friends'. I don't worry about my career either - as long as I have money to get by, who cares? - a career is just a way of earning money, whereas I saw it as an identity of myself before (it really isn't).

Being ill for a couple of years completely changed my outlook. Now, every day that I am well enough to enjoy the day I notice that and am grateful for it. This seems to have turned me around from being a generally not so happy person to absolutely enjoying life to the full.

also the realisation that the people you are surrounded by are key to your happiness. I have let go of a friend who was constantly letting me down and choose to spend the most time with the friends who I have the most fun with/feel most supported by.

I feel as though I've chosen to be happy and now I am despite there being things that I think some people would find made them very unhappy: still battling medical issues, financial worries, being very single in my thirties when having children is important to me...

I think I mostly gave a happy life with a few very low points thrown in but I think the crap times help you be happier with your lot if that makes sense?
I work part time from home so no work politics to deal with and have time to do some cycling to clear the cobwebs, I have a few very close friends, I have a good DH happy healthy teenage DCs. My health isn't great and I get tired quickly but it could be an awful lot worse. We are far from rich and we live carefully but I rarely yearn for 'more' and never think money makes you happy.

I don't believe in luck or being unlucky life happens. And I think importantly I'm very happy with my own company.

I know I am lucky to have been born in the UK at a time when we have a welfare system and the NHS. Also choosing partners wisely. Your partner should be your source of comfort not drama and angst.

I think a lot of it is about attitude, mostly being able to appreciate what we have. I've been dealt a pretty shitty hand in life in many ways, but I've been lucky in a few others, and I make a lot of effort to try and live in the now and be thankful for the things that are worth being thankful for.

External things don't have the power to make you happy, I know it's a cliche but it really does have to come from within.

I am very lucky and really don't have anything to be unhappy about. If I do have problems I think quite clearly and pragmatically, and act rather than dwelling on things. I have a very active sense of humour and take pleasure in small things.

Definitely mental attitude, this year we have had so much horrible stuff happening, on top of the usual chaos which is our lives, but we are together, we have each other, a roof and food - so we are happy.

Absolutely what Cherry Blossom said. And the desire to lead a fairly simply life uncomplicates things.

I think humans have ambitions, it is part of being human. In fact if you have no ambitions, you are unlikely to be happy. You need something to strive for.

However, ambitions can just become insatiable greed, ( which I see here on MN quite a lot) You will never be happy if you just want things to be given to you all the time.

I also think we are to some extent born contented or not.

I also think it is quite often closed mindedness. People have a roof over their heads, a bed to sleep in, food in the cupboard, and haven't travelled far enough, not appreciated history to understand they are truly and profoundly blessed.

To me, who spent 10 years trying to conceive, I have my beautiful DC and I wouldn't swap them for 20 million. Even a salary of 20 million per annum!

Also I used to be a teacher, so having time to go to bed and sleep is not something I will ever take for granted.

I have two suggestions if you feel really dissatisfied with your life.

1. exercise, it makes you feel good, it is cheap, it is companionable. There are organisations such as park run where you can take children and it is free, or some other type of fun sport that appeals to you.

2. ambition! get your self enrolled on something free on line, there are all sorts of free courses, find something you are interested in, and work towards it, it could be a couple of weeks long, or a couple of years!

I'm not suggestion other people would sell their children for £20 million! just that those of us who struggled to conceive appreciate motherhood doubley.

I've had some shitty things happen. A shit childhood, alcoholic father, dv, I guess my mum was depressed. I was never encouraged, put down a lot. I have brothers with severe mental illness, and of 5 siblings, only myself and db remain largely unaffected (well, depression and probably PTSD, but that makes sense).

My mum wears it all very badly and is a glass half full empty kind of person. I met a great dh (after a very bad relationship break up in my late 20s where my partner cheated), we went through infertility and stillbirth. Now a dc suffers a chronic condition, but her life is still good - she is active but not pain free. Another dd is currently being diagnosed for autism, probably amongst other things. But I can't be like my mum and have a chip on my shoulder about it, I need to be a glass half full kind of person. I've been fortunate to work hard, get a degree despite bring told I wasted my time by my parents. I brought my own house and have travelled. I took a back step in my 30s as a sahm and now in my 40s am a bit sad about not having a career and facing a multitude of medical appointments each week for dcs. I'm trying not to get down about it, I'm lucky to have a nice roof over my head, no money worries. I do a little volunteer work. Because I want to say I have a nice life, despite some pretty shit times and very adverse conditions.

Having had an utterly shit, miserable childhood is my secret. It has made me grateful for what I now have; a safe, secure, loving home, good marriage, enough to eat and freedom to live a better life and give my son everything I missed out on. I don't need wealth or success- the quiet life works for me!

I agree, having bad things happen to you does make you appreciate good things.

I just knew I wanted to be happy as an adult. My home life was difficult and I used to watch grown ups on TV who looked so happy. Happiness was my childhood aspiration

I dumped a long term boyfriend because I realised at 27 he was standing in the way of me and happy, hung on till I met a really kind man, married him, had kids, 1 diagnosed ASD then 2 months later the other with a chronic life long medical condition, but I so wanted to be happy that I paid for 2 years of counselling to to get it back.

I have 3 siblings and two of them didn't seem to want to be happy.They resent me forgiving our parents and seem to cling onto our dysfunctional upbringing as part of their identity.

Tbh I had my good and happy life handed to me on a plate. Great husband, successful career, beautiful home we are now building in London, perfect health, amazing parents and in laws, an idyllic childhood, an abundance of true friends, the chance to travel and see the world, no financial worries, I'm having a pretty easy pregnancy so far. Life is perfect.

I know it can't last. I just try to be be very very grateful every day. I hope I have the resilience to withstand the sorrows. I'd say my only secret is pure luck, others may argue that I made a lot of good choices. It's probably a bit of both.

I think you have to avoid comparing yourself with others and be happy with your lot. Despite my life not being perfect, I'm happy with what I have. I get a lot of satisfaction from my job, despite sometimes wishing I could win the lottery and never work again. I'm happy with my lovely 3 bed semi in a nice area; despite day dreaming about how I'd extend it if I could afford it. I love my husband despite the list of things that he does that frustrate me to the point that I could strangle him. I've got a great group of colleagues who I go out with occasionally, but only one true friend. True friend has lots of friends and I am one of many. However, when the proverbial hits the fan, I am the one she turns to. I am comforted by that. I have my daughter; I may not get to do all of the exciting and glamorous things that my childless, Facebook friends do. However, my daughter is better than anything else in the world. Above all, I earn enough money to keep us comfortable. I can't afford to be a sahm, our holiday this year is in a caravan in Cornwall rather than abroad, I have to budget for things. However, we don't struggle. I never gave to choose between paying a bill and putting food on the table. I'm lucky. Therefore, I'm happy.

I am 31. My life is wonderful now but was fairly shit from as far back as I can remember until about...hmmmm...a year ago.

The secret? Letting go of the past.
Also...you know that old cliché of happiness being wanting what you have, not having what you want? Totally true.

I have what I consider a good and happy life although it might not be what others consider exciting. I am married to my best friend and we have a little girl who brings us a lot of joy. We are not rich but having started out skint, we have studied and worked our way up in our chosen careers and are now comfortable financially. My job can be stressful but I enjoy it and I have been able to work part time since having DD which has given me a good work/life balance. Material things like holidays, meals out, nice house etc. are obviously nice and make life more enjoyable but I was happy and felt I had a good life before we could afford any of those things. We have been through tough times (illness, bereavements etc) but we've been fortunate to have the support of friends and family.
All i've ever felt I needed in order to be happy was a loving family and an interesting job that allows me to help people and I feel very lucky to have those things. Everything else is a bonus.

Try to enjoy life and live in the moment.
Always have something to look forward to, even a little thing such as meeting a friend for a drink, family picnic etc.

We try to have lots of things lined up that we all enjoy so we don't just drift along. We are always looking out for stuff to do in our local area, we are lucky where we live as it's very popular with tourists and there's lots to do.

Things do go wrong for us but we never let it beat us. Me and DH always end up laughing about most things.

Don't EVER compare your life with others. Big mistake.
Make yours as good as you can.

I think life has its ups and downs. So I try to be grateful for what we have, two healthy children and a very understanding DH. A lovely home, not big but we love it, I work part time so am around for the children. Having suffered from depression, I try to look after myself, regular exercise, being outdoors, we have an allotment which is the best therapy ever. I lost my gran this year, she was good age and fortuntately she didn't suffer too much but it still hit hard and there has been family fall out which hasn't helped. Trying to take each day and find something positive but it can be hard. I do think people who have overcome difficulties can often have real compassion. I am astounded at some acquaintances who do not appreciate what they have !

My OH and I went through a really crap patch a few years ago, not financially, but our jobs put us both in a really dark place. It was a really tricky time as both of us were finding it very hard. Stress, insomnia and I was having the perimenopause from hell and finding it really hard to get help on top of that.

What that gave us both, now we are through the other side, was a real sense of perspective, and also the knowledge that if we can survive that together as a couple, we'll be able to survive most stuff (whether we are apart or together).

For me I know just think of my job as a way of paying the mortgage, if I lost it, I'd get another.

Not comparing to others is so important for me.

I've been very unhappy most of my life. Something I r found very helpful is the book 'The Antidote' by Oliver Burkeman. I recommend it. Also john Kabat Zinn for using mindfulness to help deal with illness.

I don't know. I do think feeling that you've been handed the life you have has something to do with it, it indicates a lack of ownership of your life?
Sure you get dealt a hand when you are born, and some of us start off with serious handicaps, but its all about how you play the game in the end.

I've found this thread very interesting and have started a number of responses but not actually been able to form anything coherent. I guess what I feel is that luck defines the hand you are dealt, the things that happen to you that you can't help (e.g. he circumstances of your childhood, illness, disability, family connections etc.), but your attitude and approach will define what you do with that, and how it affects your life. For me, I would say it's been about 70% luck and 30% personal attitude etc.

What I see around me and on this thread is that there are people who have very difficult lives, but are happy, and people who seem to live a charmed life, but be very unhappy, so for a lot of people the attitude/approach thing must be a stronger factor than luck...

Does that make sense (not even sure it does to me!)...

Not to have unrealistic expectations of marriage, family and life in general.

To realise that sometimes life is really, really shit and sometimes you will feel really, really, shit even if you are blessed with a good and happy life.