to ask those of you who consider yourself to have a good and happy life

[ChuffinAda]

What's the secret?

I feel like I got a shit hand when they were giving out good lives! I'm sure things aren't meant to be THIS hard

Sorry for not posting sooner, I've not yet had the courage to read the thread in full.

Those of you saying it's all about attitude how do you deal with it when your demeanour is a naturally upbeat one (as mine is) but still life makes you feel cursed?

lotuslight-I agree that a positive attitude is a good thing but I'm afraid some people do get ill despite doing all the "right" things-and not everyone starts with the same advantages.
However perspective does have an effect on happiness. Its just that sometimes people go through crap times through no fault of their own.

Oh chuffin, life can make you feel cursed, no amount of positive attitude can change that if things are shit. Shit things happen to good people all the time.

Could you say why your life feels cursed?

I think it is about feeling loved and being able to love.

The foundation years, 0-3, are very important. If the child is respected, loved and nurtured, the building blocks for lifelong mental wellbeing are in place.

A poor start can be improved but it is much more difficult than if the initial years were smooth.

At the risk of starting a pity party.

My health is appalling and I've had disabling chronic pain for decades and I've had news my health is getting worse.

As I said at the start, friendships and relationships don't come easy. People don't seem to want to be around me unless they need me for something. I never have people proactively asking me how I am or ringing me because they've not heard from me.

I work hard, really hard, it's acknowledged by my bosses I do, but I can never seem to progress and am always overlooked for training and development opportunities.

I've got children, but again, it was a hard fight to have them. Infertility and miscarriages have pretty much killed my marriage.

I do everything 'right' but it's all gone wrong for some reason.

Of course I and everyone has huge sympathy for those with problems.

However some of my advice is correct. I wanted lots of children so had the first at 22. Had I waited until I was 40 I would not have five. I wanted a highpaid career so eg I didn't go into teaching. I don't want to be ill so I do what I can to reduce the risk of that but I am not saying I have a fool proof plan that means now matter how sick you are you will be happy or how not to get sick. Obviously some of it helps but it's not fool proof. Also things have gone wrong for me - both parents very ill and dying in last few y ears, divorce after 20 years etc etc. Just because I work full time and earn reasonable sums does not mean I am immune from things going wrong and lots of business things have been tried and failed but I seem to assume the next one will work. I don't know where this positive attitude comes from. It might just be because I eat the foods which ensure that. It might be because I am the oldest child (they tend to be the most successful in most studies). It might just be luck.

I don't think I've ever sat there thinking I will change my thinking so I look on the bright side. It is just how I am thinking anythnig is possible if I wanted that particular thing and in fact the particular things I like have very little to do with money. They are about getting time alone (and that is rare - most people are happiest with others around them in company, even if just a cat when you're an OAP). So some of this will be personality type. It doesn't take much to keep me happy - lying in the sun with just about nothing on for 10 minutes most days after lunch - all that lovely vit D.
Chuffin, have you considered leaving your employer and setting up in competition? I did and it's huge fun. You keep all the money, out earn all the men and own rather than be someone's PAYE slave?

Must get to bed as this is late for me - long hours of sleep every night I really appreciate after years and years of non sleeping babies who mostly hardly did a full night until they were 3 or 4... Although even then some of my most precious memories are in the dark breastfeeding a baby or the twins one on each side in silence, the tension building, then the let down reflex, then all that oxytocin and huge relief and relaxation knowing that all that healthy baby flesh was 100% caused by your precious breastmilk - that you created and made and nurtured that life.

Op earlier a poster write her life in two paragraphs - she did not have it easy but I really liked what she did . I feel like there are two paragraphs for you too . Does that make sense ? There are negatives - but positives too . I hope that makes sense and sending empathy .

I had a chat with my BFF about this thread today with my friend - she has cancer and it's getting worse not better. She said that phrase "put yours and everyone else's problems in a basket , and you'd pick your out again '

We did joke a bit about maybe , just maybe , you'd swap cancer .

But what for ? Bereavement ? Infertility? Chronic pain ? Damaged childhood

Anyway read that post with the 2 paragraphs it really struck me

I'm so sorry you're finding it hard at the moment. I hope things improve.

One of my favourite quotes is, "Most people in this world are about as happy as they have made up their minds to be." (Lincoln)

However, while that's a wonderful mantra to live your life by, it's not that simple really.

I am known for being an extremely positive person. It is rare for me to be down, even though I've had some dramatic hard times. I think the hardest crosses to bear are not the full-on dramas, but the death of a thousand cuts.

The lowest I've been was not when I because homeless, or when my relationship fell apart, or when my parents died. It was when I coped for a number of years living in poverty with constant money worries, chronic sleep deprivation and no time to myself. Nothing major happened, but there was just no joy in my life. I was not depressed, but I wasn't happy. Fortunately, it passed, and getting through it has actually made me happier now as I am able to appreciate so much more in life than I did before.

I think physical health has a huge impact on mental health, so I'm not surprised that you're feeling low mentally when your health is poor. I wish you all the best in finding a way to manage that and hopefully even improve it.

For me, real happiness comes from looking in the mirror and liking the person I see (and I don't mean in appearance since I'm pretty ordinary). I behave in a way I am proud to let others see and I treat all people the way I would like to be treated myself. I have survived and thrived under difficulties that have set others back. I have set myself goals and achieved them. Some small, such as washing the sofa covers on my next rest day, some as significant as a career change.

Chuffin I think you should congratulate yourself on the fact that you've managed to work despite your health problems and that you've shown the resilience to persevere in your dream to be a mum despite fertility problems. It may have cost you a happy marriage, but you're surviving that too. You're a coper. That's something to be proud of.

As an aside, I once read that the best way to improve self-esteem was to do that - set goals and achieve them - that this is way more effective than just telling yourself you deserve better or that you're a good person. The act of doing changes the mindset far more than positive affirmation. And I think if you truly believe you are worth more, you push for more - and in employment situations it is often the squeaky wheel that gets the opportunities and sometimes you have to put yourself out there and make supervisors uncomfortable about ignoring you rather than relying on them to respond as they should to your obvious ability.

I'm another one who says it's definitely to do with state of mind. See the positive in what you DO have, rather than what you don't.
I could easily dwell on the fact we need a bigger house, we have no garden to speak of, we need to be back in the countryside blah blah...
When in matter of fact, when you think of the positives, we own our own house, can cover the bills, have food on the table. Even if we're feeling completely skint at the end of the month.
Concentrate on what you DO have.
You also need a hobby, that's something you like doing just for you. Whether it be walking, reading, sewing, cooking, whatever. Do something for YOU.

I can thoroughly recommend The How of Happiness - A Practical Guide to Getting The Life You Want by Sonja Lyubomirsky.

Check out the excellent customer reviews, they're pretty unanimous.

I've had to cope with being seriously ill, my husband running off with OW, an absolutely horrendously abusive divorce and my poor mum passing away in under a year. Do I feel happy...definitely no. Will I feel happy again...hopefully.

I think the secret is luck, but I think feeling lucky makes you lucky, if that makes sense?

I would say I have a happy life - I've always had good health, outgoing enough to have nice friends & a decent social life, intelligent enough to go to university and emerge with a couple of quite good degrees, a happy marriage and no real heartbreak prior to meeting DH, 6 month old DS, a good career, no money troubles. I have a comfortable middle class life and I am grateful for it.

I was lucky lucky lucky to be born in an affluent first world country into an middle class family with lots of books who put food on the table, with parents who loved me and encouraged me to go to university and believed I could do whatever I set my mind to. That's the real bit of luck, really, you can't engineer that bit of good fortune! I was lucky to meet DH at 20, I've been lucky to end up in a career that I like & which is well paid.

I'm very aware of my luck to the extent that I feel like I'm on borrowed time and that something will inevitably go wrong! I've always worked hard but from a starting point of advantage I think - my family were poor but middle class (I took out a huge student loan to pay for university, for example) but it would have been far more difficult for me to have gone to university and to end up in the career I've had if I was starting from a place of financial AND social disadvantage. The former is far easier to overcome than the latter.

All of my circumstances don't inevitably mean happiness - my older sister 3 years above me died aged 4 - 32 years ago today. My younger brother had all the same advantages I had but has struggled massively with MH problems for most of his adult life and often feels very unhappy and unlucky. You can't put a price on your health.

For the avoidance of doubt, the books didn't put the food on the table...

The love of my ds.

Enough money in the bank (nearly there on that one) helps.

Regular holidays (still working on that as a single parent!).

Decent friendships.

Enjoyable hobbies - even one or two - and spare time enough to spend on doing them (in my case piano playing and yoga classes).

Regular sex and massage (sporadic on this!). Cheers me up no end lol.

The simple pleasures of life including fresh air and sunshine and enough time to remember to appreciate them.

An interesting thread .....

My family are well and I have nice countryside around me. Everything else is gravy.

Chuffin - life sounds really shit for you at the moment. Is there any form of exercise you can take given your pain? If so, I wonder whether this might help, alongside trying to find pleasure in the small things and setting yourself some realistic goals to work towards? If you think you may be depressed (understandable in the circumstances) it might also be worth seeing your GP.

striving for happiness is part of the problem too. You do not have to be happy all the time, it is a most unnatural position to need to be in.

I just bumble along, generally content.

I think it's all about chemicals in your brain, not the extent things. if you look at what prozac does it increases seratonin etc and those who aren't happy have low levels which need increasing or you need to increase your beta endorphin levels which you can through things like breastfeeding, sex, cuddling, exercise.If instead you spike your blood sugars up and down by constant eating or drink or highs and lows of drugs then will not have a stable happy mental state.

In other words you can be the highest paid female lawyer in the land or married to a billionaire or be on the streets begging and be very unhappy if your brain chemistry is all over the place, not matter how much you sit there saying I am going to make myself feel happy.

So today if the sun comes out get out in it even just for 5 minutes on the door step or at the local park. Secondly walk or ideally run somewhere or up the stairs a few times - get out of breath. Thirdly lift something heavy - even if just moving boxes to tidy stuff up a home rather than weights or lift heavy toddlers. Eat much less often and eat only non manufactured foods. Drink enough water. Try to be in bed by 10.

I find the posts from people that HAVE suffered, and yet remain upbeat hugely inspirational

OP, I highly recommend investing in some work on yourself, I dont know a single person that has embarked on the "personal development" or "therapy" route and NOT benefitted from it in some way, you are worth it! please read the thrtead abnd focus on the more useful posts

I am finding it a bit irritating that some people don't seem to be acknowledging that seriously shit stuff sometimes happens to good people. Illness and bereavement chief among them

I disagree that these are a cause of unhappiness, quite the reverse.

The only way to avoid bereavement in life is to never love! ( or to be the first one to die!) so everyone with a long loving life will live through a lot of grief and bereavement.

As to ill health, well every single person suffers illness, accidents and pain, and it makes you appreciate health more.

I have arthritis, but some years ago I broke my knee and couldn't walk for months. now I can walk. it hurts, some days more than others, but I remember hobbling around on crutches, and my jabby, achy waddle feels like the wings of freedom!

Lotus Light -

1. Happiness is about the balance of chemicals in your brain. You can ensure those are right by getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, eating whole foods, getting outside, getting sun on your skin and moving and having some time in silence and alone (as well as sex of course).

I am totally with you on that, i am 38 and finally feel i am content, what made life better for me:
Being ambitious but dropping my expectations of everything / everyone
Becoming as self-reliant as humanly possible
Writing a list of 6 things I needed to do for me
Finding my real mum, knowing the fault lies deep within her and not me
Passing my driving test, finishing my degree, doing an NVQ, becoming a teacher assistant- then a deputy Nursery Manager, getting married to my partner of 16 years, exercising for 7 months until at least comfortable with a post C section tummy
Most important of all -INDIFFERENCE - really cannot state this one enough!
Felt better for ignoring stupid magazines and celebrity
Felt better for cutting out half the toxic people in my family
Felt better for not giving two shits what people have, want or thinking of me
Being happy for the basics, not always wanting/needing crap
Knowing I work hard for myself, husband and kids
Knowing its okay to have time for me, have a little money for myself, its okay to be a mum/wife./friend and carve yourself a life.

And my childhood wasn't great, but it kinda was because its made me motivated, stubborn and a dreamer :)

Sorry if that's too long and boring, its not a stealth boast, just I went from rock bottom to really happy and content in 6 short years :) I don't post very often but would like to offer it out there as help to others struggling, oh yeah and i had to really work because we had very little money at the time too.

I started to pick my battles. For years I wanted to 'have it all' and was very unhappy when that didn't happen. It wasn't a conscious decision but I just started to jettison things, decided to stop chasing promotion etc and just do my job well, then leave it behind at 5.30pm. Stopped hankering what I didn't have and appreciated what I did. Think it helped that I travelled and saw some really dire stuff..India, Tibet, Cambodia. Those folk have tough lives. My problems were insignificant. A cliché I know but I chose to be happy.

Sfa, not boring at all. It's a really interesting thread.
I am with you particularly on indifference. in fact most studies show people get happier from 50 - 70 until ill health kicks in even if their circumstances are worse, less money or whatever. I think that's about age differences. The young particularly teenagers worry what people will think which is not surprising as you want to be attractive and have babies and marry at that stage in life. When you've had your family and are older although I am not saying make yourself look ugly you can make your own choices and feel more confidence about them and ignore what other people might think.

However I can understand why people like I am who probably do to an extent have it all and enough money irritate people particularly those struggling for money or who have depression or are in constant pain. Particularly those last two must be truly horrible.

I'm one of those people that is perpetually wanting the next thing, it's exhausting . I also hold on to regrets.

I am by no means rich but we live in a nice house in a lovely area. I really need to learn to just appreciate what I have.

There has been some great advice on this thread

"As I said at the start, friendships and relationships don't come easy. People don't seem to want to be around me unless they need me for something. I never have people proactively asking me how I am or ringing me because they've not heard from me.

I work hard, really hard, it's acknowledged by my bosses I do, but I can never seem to progress and am always overlooked for training and development opportunities.

I've got children, but again, it was a hard fight to have them. Infertility and miscarriages have pretty much killed my marriage.

I do everything 'right' but it's all gone wrong for some reason."

chuffin (love your nn by the way), have you considered that maybe 'the right things' aren't actually the right things for you? Maybe you would be happier doing something completely different? The pinnacle of human achievement is always good job and 2.5 kids. My father would have been very happy to live in a fishermans cottage on a beach on a Scottish Island, but instead he slogged through his life in the home counties because he didn't feel he could break out.

Is there anything deep down in you which makes you ridiculously happy?