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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask those of you who consider yourself to have a good and happy life

234 replies

ChuffinAda · 29/05/2015 07:07

What's the secret?

I feel like I got a shit hand when they were giving out good lives! I'm sure things aren't meant to be THIS hard

OP posts:
LotusLight · 30/05/2015 18:16
  1. Happiness is about the balance of chemicals in your brain. You can ensure those are right by getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, eating whole foods, getting outside, getting sun on your skin and moving and having some time in silence and alone (as well as sex of course).
  1. Those things also tend to help ensure you don't get ill. One reason I am usually happy is I am virtually never ill.
  1. Another factor is a positive mental attitude. have always assumed I can get what I want and am largely content with what I have. So eg I planned alarge family in my teens, got married after I'd finished my law studies and had 3 children and worked full time in the city as a lawyer by the time I was 26. That was all about sheer hard work and goal setting. If you want babies but leave it to 40 you are not likelyt o get the gorgeous five children I have. Ditto my work and career choice. Nothing special about me but I was wise enough to pick a highly paid career I adore in my teens. Other women are not as sensible or they mess around getting drunk or going off to be call centre workers or don't do their school work - more fool them. Then they turn round later and say it's not fair some other woman earns more.
Strokethefurrywall · 30/05/2015 18:28

I have an amaZing life. Yes I was lucky enough to have a great start in life with an amazing family but I think having a positive attitude and being grateful for the small things in life means that I'm happy no matter what.
Even when my brother died, even through the most awful grief the amount of love from friends and family was overwhelming - and I kept focusing on the positive.
But a lot of my life is luck. Yes I work my arse off but no more than average joe. Circumstances of my life seem to have been 60% effort, 40% luck.

Lordylor · 30/05/2015 18:44

One of the things that strikes me about this thread is how having strong, close loving social connections is so often mentioned, children, partner etc. I think having those close, loving supportive relations is crucial to being happy.
(Note: I gave children as an example given by pp. I am not saying everyone needs kids to be happy).

TheWordFactory · 30/05/2015 18:50

I agree lord.

Though my childhood had many difficulties, my patents were rock solid in their love and support for me.

Consequently I don't have terrible memories despite some fairly dicey stuff happening. Mum and I now try to laugh about itSmile.

As an adult my main relationships remain a thing of nourishment not a drain.

My mum is still a huge part of my life and we 're even closer after my father 's death.

My DC are no bother really. Lovely kids who add not subtract.

And my DH is a rock.

I feel like I have the best team around me if that makes sense.

LarrytheCucumber · 30/05/2015 19:08

Lotuslight unfortunately we are not all born equal. I am glad you managed to achieve what you did, but some people have to work really hard to get GCSE and however hard they try will not manage a career in law.
Are you Nicky Morgan in RL? Wink

TheoreticalOrder · 30/05/2015 19:12

Indeed Larry its a bit disingenuous of Lotuslight to say "nothing special about me".

How many GCSEs/ what grade A levels do you need to study law?

Not everyone is bright.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 30/05/2015 19:20

Have to agree with you there Larry and say to Lotus I'd actually find it easier if you recognised that carving out a career as a City lawyer whilst raising five DC makes you quite an unusual, bright, capable, and successful person.
Xenia used to post a bit like you - hey didn't she have 5 DC too and name change recently? - Are you Xenia? Smile
(I know some of us are also on the GCSE support thread ATM - hope half-term's been OK?)

lordStrange · 30/05/2015 19:23

I think I would have liked a pocket LotusLight growing up. I'd keep her in my bag and every time I went in off in another twattish direction she could screech at me. STOP BEING A PRAT. NOT HIM. PUT THAT BEER DOWN. Bloody marvellous.

TalkinPeace · 30/05/2015 19:40

Look for something positive in every single day.
Try not to dwell on the negatives in the past, but learn from them.
If those are linked to family, try to only repeat the good bits.

SarfEasticatedMumma · 30/05/2015 19:42

I have a lovely family and very low expectations! nice job but rubbish salary, live in tiny flat too, but in a fab city. I get a lot of pleasure out free stuff - parks, beaches, flowers, animals, so easily pleased I guess.
Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it OP and also don't think everyone's lives are better than yours, but they probably aren't.

MarshaBrady · 30/05/2015 19:46

It really helps to do something you enjoy. A little or a lot. I find I'm much better with the dc and dh when things are good with work / what I'm doing.

hollyisalovelyname · 30/05/2015 19:59

LotusLight I'm glad it worked out for you. Not everybody gets the life they ordered. Sometimes it's just down to luck.

aquashiv · 30/05/2015 20:01

I lowered my expectations. Bad things happen to good people.
Its a journey.

SarfEasticatedMumma · 30/05/2015 20:02

Sometimes though, when I have bad days (very few luckily) this poem by Maya Angelou always inspires me. Some days just getting up and facing the day is an amazing achievement.
'You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.'

LotusLight · 30/05/2015 20:05

I did say and I genuinely believe my first few points are most important and thanks to those quoting the poems above which are lovely. The things that give most of us pleasure - time to look particularly in May at trees in sun and the different greens of grass and leaves gives a lot of us a lot of pleasure and me too. I am not sitting here counting out the gold drowning in it like King Midas.

If you can get my point 1 right which is about the balance of things like seratonin in your brain you will feel happiness. If instead you lurch from alcohol, cocaine or sugar high to low to high you will not have internal contentment never mind probably destroying your health. I am as interested in encouraging women to have that as in guiding them to seek lucrative careers.

As for IQ am I something special or did I just choose to work really hard at school and graduate a teetotal virgin at 20, with law prizes? I suspect a good few women on here could have spent their teens in their books and would earn what I did not but they chose other activities =- perhaps those that brought immediate pleasure like more sexual relationships or a night on the town or quite a few nights on the town. They had their jam then rather than their jam tomorrow.

However and I always have to reiterate this - happiness is not about income level at all. Some of the happiest people are in jungles or impoverished African states in surveys although not those which are war torn. My graduate postman son is as happy as his lawyer sisters. Very content and presumably in part that's because of my point 1 above - as he moves all day, carries heavy weights, gets out of breath and gets fresh air and sunshine all day and early nights and a regular routine so all the characteristics for happiness. So there we have it - go forth and be postmen or live wild in a jungle and pure happiness might be yours.

silveracorn · 30/05/2015 20:14

Lordylor I don't agree that it either comes naturally or it doesn't. You can learn to be of a positive temperament. I did. I came from a very aggressive and negative childhood and was reared to sneer at and find fault with the world, to blame and feel self pity. Not surprisingly I was bloody hard work and boyfriends never stuck around. My only friends were as screwed up and ranting as I was.

Bit by bit I learned this was not effective. I read loads of self help books and acted 'as if' I was a cup half full person until I became, naturally a sickening Pollyannaish cup floweth over type. I still suffer from deep depressions (childhood legacy) and have been battling one recently - but when the illness doesn't have a hold, then it is perfectly possible to train yourself to look for the positive.

The biggest thing to learn if it doesn't come naturally is that while you can never control what happens to you, you can control your response to it. Even in disaster and tragedy some people rise above the situation to create solace, to find solutions for next time or to fight for justice etc. Others just wallow.

The other thing that works is to actively look for tiny things that you can appreciate at any time. I get massive pleasure from a good cup of coffee, cuddling the cat, flowers in next door's front garden etc. It works for turning round irritating situations too. Stuck in traffic? It won't move faster if you get furious, so may as well listen to good music or notice the sunset. Some people find this idea very irritating and it sounds sickly sweet written down, but if you practise it, it does increase happiness.

MarshaBrady · 30/05/2015 20:16

It does help to change your thinking to positive. The small things are nice as are the big.

silveracorn · 30/05/2015 20:20

Lotus and Stroke it is quite amazing how often the luckiest people also tend to be the hardest working and the ones who take control of whatever is controllable in life.

I remember a friend whining that it was SO unfair, I always got amazing jobs. She had the same qualifications as me and was there when I found them through ordinary sources like newspaper ads. I got them, she didn't, because I applied for them and she didn't.

Strokethefurrywall · 30/05/2015 21:16

But I think luck also can be generated from opportunity also, depending on your outlook.
When shit shit things have happened to me, I've used it to look for opportunity to enhance my life in some way. Simple example, boyfriend dumped me, I was utterly heartbroken, mourned, drank and smoked for 2 weeks, lost a ton of weight. Then I refused to cry any longer, and used my new found freedom to plan a trip around South America. I never went on the trip but it allowed me to start dreaming, then I decided to move to the Caribbean. I had that dream, I worked my butt off to make it a reality and almost 8 years later I'm still here, married, 2 kids, 2 dogs and a job that I love.
I think I'm happy because I refuse to have anything other than an amazing life.
My parents always said "dream big" and I never stopped.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 30/05/2015 21:33

I am finding it a bit irritating that some people don't seem to be acknowledging that seriously shit stuff sometimes happens to good people. Illness and bereavement chief among them

I think we all like to keep that illusion that we are in control of our lives as long as we can, but as a PP wisely said sadly things can change in a heartbeat

Fromparistoberlin73 · 30/05/2015 21:39

Agree juggling x

ArtyHearts · 30/05/2015 21:47

I also agree, there can be things that happen that totally fuck things up. It takes a lot for even the most optimistic person to rise above some of the crap that life throws at you.

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 30/05/2015 21:48

I happily acknowledge that, so far, my life has been a charmed one and I'm extremely lucky. Plus I don't do overthinking! Overthinking is the route to unhappiness!

hiddenhome · 30/05/2015 21:54

I'm happy because I'm extremely lucky to have my freedom. My life for the first 25 years was nothing more than a jail sentence. I planned on either getting out or killing myself. Thankfully, I managed to get out and I appreciated each and every day from them on. Life was tough, but having your freedom is everything and I value it greatly.

CamberwellCarrot · 30/05/2015 22:05

Agree juggling. Things happen in life which we have no control over. If you honestly believe a positive mental attitude and making the 'right' choices is the reason you have "5 beautiful children" for example, you have clearly never had fertility problems (nor have I. I'm just saying).

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