to ask those of you who consider yourself to have a good and happy life

[ChuffinAda]

What's the secret?

I feel like I got a shit hand when they were giving out good lives! I'm sure things aren't meant to be THIS hard

I have always been happy. I realize this is in part luck and in part attitude. I have never had serious illness (mental or physical) in my life, that would challenge the happiness of most. I do have first hand experience of this with other members of my family.

I was born in a relatively poor but happy family. The little things counted and everything was heavily celebrated, birthdays. Pancake day, all school achievements etc. My parents lived by the don't sweat the small stuff mantra and try to look for the good in people and this has lived on in me.

I have a stressful job and sometimes the pressure of that can zap my joy, but I say to myself one day you will be dead, so enjoy the path that you have, even if sometimes it can be a bit shit.

My life has been no means perfect, bad bad serious ex boyfriend who was truly awful to me. But, I carry no bitterness for him as we were young, and I went on to meet my lovely DH after he left me. Bitterness would upset me, but my approach gets me over it (took time but I got there) I also like to see the good in most people, I find bitching drains me and I never feel good after it.

I think most people need someone to share their life with (honestly and openly, warts and all). Some people are lucky enough to find this in a partner who also shares their goals and dreams and is able to be with them most of the time.

I havent unfortunately found the right partner (at least not a forever one!), but I have one amazing friend that always understands me and can cheer me up.

the saying should be misery loves lonlieness (not company)

The classics of good physical and mental health, being surrounded by loved ones, a job you enjoy and enough money to make ends meet with a bit to spare for fun. But you need a good attitude to life too. Maybe that comes from childhood (I read Cherryblossom 's start in life with a bit of envy) but it doesn't have to. If your childhood was problematic then you just have to do a lot of work to consciously foster happy behaviour and mood.

Normally I'm a very optimistic person but also suffer from depression, so when the illness kicks in, it's so hard to be happy and productive. Most of the time, though, life is good: gorgeous DC, kind DH, Nice house in safe area, a job I love, no real financial worries (though we are on a tight budget.) When I'm not ill, I spend a lot of time counting blessings and noticing small sources of happiness, like birdsong, cat being cute, DC laughing, a hug from DH, a pretty sky, a good cup of coffee etc. Really appreciating stuff like that can raise your happiness levels very quickly.

My life has not been easy. I feel frustrated when people say they've had it easy, have solid families, no tragedy etc then dispense advice because it's not coming from an informed place, is it? If you feel your life has been easy, how can you possibly understand what it's like to feel like you got dealt a terrible hand and are spending your whole life trying to catch up? It's like someone who can walk advising a paraplegic on how to sit more comfortably in their wheelchair.

Some people do get a worse hand in life and it's not all about perception and attitude.

Yeah, your outlook definitely makes a difference - it could make all of the difference.

@Peppermint - a lot of people that say that sort of thing... it is not really true.

*that should say "depending on your circumstances it could make all of the difference"

Peppermint IKWYM Yes, the best advice (and the most compassionate) always comes from people with shared experience.

But attitude can make SUCH a difference. My dad had a very bad start in life. He has remained bitter and self-pitying and venomous and jealous about this for nearly eighty years and cannot conceive that anyone (especially his sisters) had as bad or worse a time than he did (though the stories I've heard about what they had to put up with make my blood run cold.) He loved us and tried very hard not to replicate his own childhood, for which we all love him back. But he was an aggressive, neurotic, chaotic, furious man and we lived on eggshells throughout childhood in case a tiny think we said or did triggered rants and rages or howling sobs of self pity. If he had done some work on changing his attitude, he'd have healed that unhealthy, chaotic family far sooner and our emotional scars wouldn't be so deep.

I went through my twenties behaving like him. It was normal to rant and blame and demand attention and brim over with self-pity. Then in mid-twenties I read a few self-help books, and realised you can't always change your circumstances, but you can change your attitude to them. And more often than you think, you can improve tough circumstances in lots of tiny ways until they start to feel manageable or even good. Not easy, but possible with a very full-on positive attitude.

I agree with that. It also irks me when I hear people complain and I think, "WTF? You're moaning about that?" Eg celebrities saying they've been "touched" by cancer because their friend/aunt/neighbour three doors down had a "scare". Makes me

I think I've got a mediocre life. Not great, not awful. Lucky in some ways, pants in other ways. I've made some crappy choices and I think some people are better at choosing to be lucky, iyswim, by being a bit more canny than some of us.

And also I think you need a bit of shit in your life to really appreciate things & be resilient - one of my friends has had a really charmed life, and last year when she dumped her boyfriend she had a bit of a breakdown - nothing bad had ever happened to her so she just didn't know how to cope with a bad experience.

I mostly see my life as good and happy, there is stuff I could dwell on if I feel like being miserable and I do get hours/minutes when I do feel like it and do dwell, but I try and limit it.

I have no soopar doopar strength of character, but my post natal, raging anxiety eventually got me some CBT, which was bloody marvelous and taught me how to let stuff go.

Dislaimer: CBT was bloody marvelous for me, right place, right time and so on. Not saying it is the solution to everyone's problems.

I agree totally with Peppermint
Having a blessed life is down to luck not attitude in my experience
I had a positive attitude, glass half full perspective despite growing up in a fairly dysfunctional environment (alcoholic father etc).
But since a number of bereavements and having a child with Autism, I have a constant feeling of fear in my stomach, can't enjoy anything and feel nothing but worry for the (and particularly his) future (he is nearly eighteen). Despite working in the public sector, my job is always on the line, my husband is self employed after being made redundant so whilst income is ok at moment, it can change in a heartbeat if he becomes ill or the work dries up.
I try very hard to have a more positive outlook but my negative experiences to date keep telling me that no matter how positive you try to be life throws shit at some people all the time.
Having a positive attitude does not make the shit go away.

The secret trick I use is NEVER to compare myself to others. If you habitually compare your salary / parenting skills / personality etc you will inevitably find someone who is 'better' than you, which can then lead to dissatisfaction.

Oh, and happiness is also a frame of mind thing, like others before have said.

I had a good life till 20 when the sh*t hit the fan.

Since then my life has been a roller coaster of great highs and very low lows.

Health is not good so a good day is a day without pain, if the sunshines even better.

I do think attitude is all important. I've had too many tragedies in my life but I've dealt with them and enjoy my life as much as I can.

I expect nice things to happen to me ....and they do. I attract nice people into my life.

The last since years have been fantastic since I met my DP. I haven't had a charmed life . I've been dealt some rotten cards but I m able to see the joy in little things, the love of my children, grandchildren, having fun, beautiful scenery....
It could have been a whole lot worse .

Totally agree that one's attitude determines 'happiness'.
I would say that I am a happy person simply because I am grateful for little things. As others have said, I am easily pleased.
It helps that I have a great husband and three lovely dc's though. I also have a faith which has helped me through some difficult times
I don't compare myself to others, because we do not know what trials and tribulations others have been through to get where they are in life.

As Buddhists teach there is wisdom and compassion in the middle way ... so thinking it's not all about what happens to you and not all about what you make of that, but perhaps some of both?

Peppermint, I see where you're coming from. It's easy to maintain a positive attitude when things are generally positive. There has also been a lot of talk about making good choices but none of us know whether we would make the same choices or have the same outlook on life if we had been faced with less support and more obstacles. I do think that being dealt a shitty hand in life doesn't necessarily mean that your outlook/personality/attitude can't help to improve the situation but it depends. I work with kids who generally have very troubled backgrounds (most have been sexually and/or physically abused, live in poverty and are at risk of offending/being homeless) and are all traumatised in some way. Every so often I come across a family where one child just seems to have the determination and inner resources to rise above all the crap they've had thrown at them. These kids are just somehow more resilient than their siblings even though they had the exact same shitty childhood and end up beating the odds and doing well for themselves while their siblings continue down the road of drugs, poverty, offending etc. Maybe it's luck, maybe it's attitude, I honestly don't know. But I often look at the kids I work with and despite all my training and experience, feel completely unqualified to dispense advice because no matter how much I empathise, I will never really understand how hard it is to just get up every day and keep on living when you've had such a terrible start.

Bloody hell, that turned into an essay..sorry everyone

People think ive go a goodlife- I was mortgage free at 27 and now only work a few months of the year.

Doesn't stop me from having a string of failed relatioships at my age, one very recently and I'm no spring chicken.

Don't think I've got that good of a life at times

jimijack I cba looking back, dwelling or thinking about bad shit, I think that's what makes today good.

^^ this

I'm a future dweller not a reflector. I think I have high core self evaluations - internal locus of control etc.

I think the comparison point is an important one.

I have honestly never met anyone whose "life" I would want. I never want to "swap places" with anyone. Who knows what shit they've got going on behind closed doors? Things are never as they seem.

I am truly happy and feel really blessed. It's a state of mind!

I consider myself really lucky, though other people often comment on how tough I've had it (not the best childhood, mum with severe mental health issues, my dad died in his 40s, sister also has mental health issues, premature baby, traumatic birth, husband had a near death experience where 30 of his colleagues were killed, he suffered from PTSD and didn't work for 2 years, marriage almost collapsed).

I'm easily pleased, not the envious/jealous type and try to see the funny side of everything. If things get really bad I remind myself that 'This too shall pass'.

On the other hand, my MIL lives from one bleak event to the other, refusing to see joy in anything, wallowing in self-pity.

I always tell myself that there's always someone worse off than me and to count my blessings. Also, I have really supportive positive friends! I don't see them often, but they'd be there in a flash of I needed them.

MN at its best great thread

I would say I'm happy. The first eighteen or so years of my life were miserable (very complicated family situation), so perhaps its just that I appreciate 'ordinariness' more than I would otherwise . I've got a lovely DH, two lovely DC, a reasonable if not enormous income, simple tastes, cheap hobbies and I enjoy being an SAHP. We're all in good physical health (my mental health isn't 100% - a legacy of my childhood). In global terms my family and I are amazingly lucky to live in a safe, stable country, to have enough good quality food to eat, clean drinking water, good housing, access to free high quality education and medical care. Sometimes if I start moaning about not having a bigger garden or some such trivia I think of Iraq or Syria and kick myself up the arse.

I have had a difficult life. Abusive childhood, in and out of foster homes. Depression, being sectioned. Last year my first child was stillborn. On bloody Christmas Day. But a long time ago I decided to try not to let my past negatively affect my future. I am in charge of my own happiness now.

I have a wonderful husband. We live in a nice house, and have enough money. I don't hate my job. I have lovely friends. But I had to work hard to get here, and I have to keep working at it.