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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - bridezilla dictating what guests should wear

224 replies

Lillyblossom · 28/05/2015 10:30

Would like to know if IABU about this?

A dear friend of mine is getting married next month. It was a selected child free wedding. Some children are attending some aren't the couple have children. We sorted childcare with the PIL but FIL is due a opp the day before so they told us they could no longer babysit so the couple have said we can bring DD.

My friend and I were chatting on the phone recently and she said how angry she was that so many people intended to wear white dresses to her wedding that she had to say something. On FB may I add a angry status along the lines of if anyone dares wear white to my wedding I will throw you out, how dare anyone try to upstage me.

Anyway we had a conversation about this and she asked my opinion and I said I wasn't really overly bothered. Some ladies wore white dresses at mine and it really didn't matter to me.

She asked about mine and my DDs dress and I explained to her I had lost 3 stone recently and knew back in January I was planning too as I knew what size I should be as I've been this particular weight before. I'd been given some john Lewis vouchers for Xmas and because we had 3 weddings to go to this year and there all unrelated people I bought my dress in January to wear to all 3.

I've attached a pic, it's a nice dress I think and I feel comfortable in it. I don't really wear dresses often. I have large thighs and huge boobs despite being a size 10 so to find something that flatters and I feel comfortable in is quite rare.

DD doesn't really wear dresses either but she got given a really pretty dress for Xmas that she's not worn. It's a cream dress that is down to the floor and it does resemble a bridesmaid dress however I have got her a purple bolero chunky knit cardi and she's got some purple shoes that completely change the look of the dress. She wore very similar to a family wedding a couple of years ago and she looked lovely and did not look like a bridesmaid. Pic attached, same without the bow.

Bride has text me and basically gone batshit saying she thinks both of us need to return our dresses and get something more appropriate. Mine is apparently the same colour as her adult bridesmaids dresses. And she doesn't want DD upstaging her DCs.

I have said I had no idea what her colour theme is and it's not done intentionally. And her bridesmaids are wearing full length dresses.
Funny enough my other friend who is getting married is having the same colour theme and I did mention to her that I was wearing blue knee length as that's what her maids are wearing and she said don't be silly your not going to be the only one.

My husband says I should go out and buy new for me and DD just to keep the peace. But why should the bride get to dictate what her guests wear?
It's not low cut or skimpy so what should it matter?

So AIBU to wear this dress? If you were the bride would you be offended by either of these dresses?

OP posts:
whois · 28/05/2015 13:21

Your dress is 100% fine. Lovely.

Your DDs isn't really appropriate and does look like a BM dress. As others have suggested get her a cheap but pretty flower dress from primarni or similar.

Penfold007 · 28/05/2015 13:26

Your childcare has fallen through and your friend has agreed you can bring your daughter to a child free wedding so that's not bridezilla behaviour.

Your dress is lovely but both of the dresses for your daughter are too flowergirly. I'd buy a pretty flower pattern or other colour dress for her, Sainsburys, ASDA etc have some inexpensive pretty options.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 28/05/2015 13:27

I could not have cared less what people wore to my wedding - I was just happy they were there to celebrate with us. It does bother some people and that's fair enough but this applies:
giantpurplepeopleeater
Regardless of what the actual dresses look like, the bride is being bridezilla. Her invitations were the place to confirm with guests what the dress code was, beyond that, brides simply don't get a say.

Your dress is fine btw and I'm sure with some colourful accessories your daughter's will be too. i wouldn't go

DixieNormas · 28/05/2015 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icimoi · 28/05/2015 13:30

Unless the bridesmaids' dresses are the same style as yours as well as the same colour, I wouldn't change that, but I would go for the wrap idea. It never occurred to me as a bride to dictate what my guests wore. When SIL got married for the second time she and her DHtoB tried to dictate that the guests should wear autumn colours but I totally refused to go out and buy something in a colour that I wouldn't like and didn't suit me just to tone in - especially as had in fact bought something especially for her first wedding.

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 28/05/2015 13:33

I really disagree with everyone saying that your dress looks like a BM dress. it really doesn't. A BM could wear it, but it's not an obvious or very Bridesmaidy choice in my opinion. Any suitable dressy and pretty frock could be deemed as 'like a bridesmaid's dress' otherwise.

At this rate people will be terrified to turn up in anything but a brown trouser suit. Hmm

knittingdad · 28/05/2015 13:42

At this rate people will be terrified to turn up in anything but a brown trouser suit. hmm

Oh no, that would be taking the piss.

I think sometimes people have this expectation of perfection that reality has no hope of living up to, and weddings are pretty bad for this because there are lots of people willing to relieve you of many tens of thousands of pounds in exchange for promising to deliver that perfection.

So why, oh why, won't your supposedly loving wedding guests also play ball?

MistressDeeCee · 28/05/2015 13:43

Ah I understand now OP...I couldnt see the pic, Im on my phone

Well then if the furore is because your DD is going to be dressed in similar fashion to the bridesmaids then just buy her another dress, its not hard. She isn't a bridesmaid..there are so many lovely styles for little girls to choose from.

As to the rest...as said its the bride's day yes people will scorn and say she is a bridezilla but, let her be. In the scheme of life its just 1 day she is no doubt anxious about it being just right. Whats right for the bride often isn't right for everybody else...thats life. Its her wedding

MehsMum · 28/05/2015 13:51

I could not have cared less what people wore to my wedding - I was just happy they were there to celebrate with us.
Yes, exactly. A wedding is a chance for a small girl who likes to frock up to do just that. It's obvious who the bridesmaids are.
OP, your dress looks fine (lovely, actually). On the basis that you DD is there as a favour, I'd be inclined to get a Sainsbury's type dress to keep the peace.

Or just not go. Micromanaging one's guests is rude and unnecessary.

AgathaChristie01 · 28/05/2015 13:51

At this rate people will be terrified to turn up in anything but a brown trouser suit.

What if they clashed with what the groom is wearing Wink...

OP, I definitely would wear the dress you have picked for yourself, complete with wrap and other usual accessories. I'm guessing at most weddings, someone has a dress which is a similar colour to the bridesmaids, and it's not an issue, IMO.

I probably would look for a shorter dress (not floor length) for dd. Something cheap and cheerful, and put the shoes and cardigan you had planned, with it.

Justusemyname · 28/05/2015 13:55

YANBU

Weeks before my friend's wedding I realised I had bought a knee length white dress. We were only 21 so first wedding is been too and I just didn't think. I called my mate in a panic and she said it was fine. I wish I'd changed it though.

Do what you want. If she's snotty on the day then you can decide if you want to carry on the charade of a friendship. If you give in, whatelse will she dictate about?!

soverylucky · 28/05/2015 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngelBlue12 · 28/05/2015 14:04

I've never been to a wedding wear the bride has complained about what my girls (I have 5 dds) are in! They always wear pretty party dresses that could be used as bridesmaid dresses but none of my friends have ever called me out and said that they can't wear them. Tbh I think that she is being incredibly petty - I mean what bride would want to stop one of her friends little girls from wearing a pretty dress and feeling like a princess?!

3luckystars · 28/05/2015 14:17

I am in Ireland so it must be different here, no guest would wear white. If they did all the other guests would just pity them. Brides do t need to say it, its just not done.

I absolutely hate weddings, I exaggerated sickness to get out of one this weekend actually. I hope to never go to one again, I hate all this nonsense.
Op I hope you have a nice time despite the mad bride, your dress is lovely.

Aermingers · 28/05/2015 14:22

I think the problem is the combination of the two dresses. If it had been one or the other it wouldn't be that big a deal.

But for both of them to wear dresses that means they might be mistaken for bridesmaids, well that makes it look intentional TBF, can see why the bride is cheesed off.

pearpotter · 28/05/2015 14:29

Don't change either. Anyone put out by a little girl looking like a bridesmaid isn't worth bothering with anyway. Just about every wedding I've been to has had several little girls in that style of dress who were not bridesmaids and no-one thought they were or bothered about it in the slightest.

RB68 · 28/05/2015 14:36

I think yours is fine - get a jacket or cardi/bolero or scarf that can distinguish you from BM - I mean Navy is a colour many will wear. Re daughter - personally so what if she is mistaken for a flower girl I say when do kids get to wear clothes like this these days outside of weddings - personally my view is dress em up but as its all been raised with you I would find something else for DD to wear - cute outfits often at Debenhams for small money - £10??

I went and bought a £40 quid pretty jumpsuit in navy and floral for my 9 yr old from M&S and 2 days later was in Debs and they had a 25% off day and a cute navy spotty/sailory type mini dress and leggings which looked great and DD loved - £8 all in!! More to the point she wears it every so often afterwards.

I would say to friend you will compromise and sort DD something else out although she will be disappointed not to wear best dress but you can't afford to be replacing two and a navy dress is not uncommon, if nec. tell her you will stay out of the pictures and make sure you announce at dinner that you are not a BM so there are no misunderstandings so not being unreasonable really

Mrsstarlord · 28/05/2015 14:40

Did anyone read the thread on here where MIL had arranged for her granddaughter to be a bridesmaid without discussing it with the bride and groom? That's how I imagine this wedding panning out.
Your dress is fine BTW, daughter's is too bridesmaidy

YsabellStoHelit · 28/05/2015 14:44

If anyone asked me to wear "coral pink or orange" to a wedding I would be declining Hmm

HemlockStarglimmer · 28/05/2015 14:49

Jings, if I'd told my guests not to wear the same colour as the bridesmaids that would have ruled out red, dark blue, dark green, purple and pale gold. White would have been fine though as my dress was antique gold Grin

I did not know about the rule of not wearing white, or black for that matter, to weddings until I joined Mumsnet. So for the first 40 years of my life I could inadvertently made a huge faux pas.

atticusfinchatemybaby · 28/05/2015 14:51

Apologise to her about the dresses. Then buy yourself and dd two enormous, extravagant, hideous wedding dresses complete with veil and train and wear those. Actually, get one for DH while you're at it.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 28/05/2015 14:52

I'd say why are you going - she sounds like a royal pain in the arse, and when she asks you why you didnt come, say you didnt have anything to wear....

Elliptic5 · 28/05/2015 14:57

I keep reading these type of threads and I wonder sometimes if the brides have any concept of what a wedding actually represents.

BackforGood · 28/05/2015 15:07

I agree with everyone else.
Your dress is lovely and not at all bridesmaidy, and if she's chosen for the bridesmaids to wear navy then, statistically, it's likely someone else will be in the same colour. So just wear yours and don't worry. I wouldn't put a little girl in an obviously bridesmaidy dress for a wedding she wasn't bridesmaid at though - I think you were wrong there, but, as others have said, it's easy to pick up a little dress from any number of shops for just a few £ for your dd.

PunkHedgehog · 28/05/2015 15:08

Your dress is fine. DD's dress is fine but as she's there as a favour I#'d make a concession and go with dress 2.

And for the PP who's been banned from wearing anything floral, how about dinosaurs? www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/land-before-sublime-dress Or this one is Art (with only a few flowers) www.etsy.com/uk/listing/189348910/frida-kahlo-day-of-the-dead-skater-dress?ref=pla_similar_listings Or Star Trek www.pinterest.com/pin/537898749216250276/