AIBU - bridezilla dictating what guests should wear

[Lillyblossom]

Would like to know if IABU about this?

A dear friend of mine is getting married next month. It was a selected child free wedding. Some children are attending some aren't the couple have children. We sorted childcare with the PIL but FIL is due a opp the day before so they told us they could no longer babysit so the couple have said we can bring DD.

My friend and I were chatting on the phone recently and she said how angry she was that so many people intended to wear white dresses to her wedding that she had to say something. On FB may I add a angry status along the lines of if anyone dares wear white to my wedding I will throw you out, how dare anyone try to upstage me.

Anyway we had a conversation about this and she asked my opinion and I said I wasn't really overly bothered. Some ladies wore white dresses at mine and it really didn't matter to me.

She asked about mine and my DDs dress and I explained to her I had lost 3 stone recently and knew back in January I was planning too as I knew what size I should be as I've been this particular weight before. I'd been given some john Lewis vouchers for Xmas and because we had 3 weddings to go to this year and there all unrelated people I bought my dress in January to wear to all 3.

I've attached a pic, it's a nice dress I think and I feel comfortable in it. I don't really wear dresses often. I have large thighs and huge boobs despite being a size 10 so to find something that flatters and I feel comfortable in is quite rare.

DD doesn't really wear dresses either but she got given a really pretty dress for Xmas that she's not worn. It's a cream dress that is down to the floor and it does resemble a bridesmaid dress however I have got her a purple bolero chunky knit cardi and she's got some purple shoes that completely change the look of the dress. She wore very similar to a family wedding a couple of years ago and she looked lovely and did not look like a bridesmaid. Pic attached, same without the bow.

Bride has text me and basically gone batshit saying she thinks both of us need to return our dresses and get something more appropriate. Mine is apparently the same colour as her adult bridesmaids dresses. And she doesn't want DD upstaging her DCs.

I have said I had no idea what her colour theme is and it's not done intentionally. And her bridesmaids are wearing full length dresses.
Funny enough my other friend who is getting married is having the same colour theme and I did mention to her that I was wearing blue knee length as that's what her maids are wearing and she said don't be silly your not going to be the only one.

My husband says I should go out and buy new for me and DD just to keep the peace. But why should the bride get to dictate what her guests wear?
It's not low cut or skimpy so what should it matter?

So AIBU to wear this dress? If you were the bride would you be offended by either of these dresses?

I think the second dress for DD is fine. No chance of mistaking her for the bride, or upstaging the bride.

Dressing DD appropriately is important because there won't be many children there. If anyone thought you were pushing her in as a flower girl it would be excruciating.

It occurs to me that some of our guests wore white-and or cream-and - eg cream with red poppies or white with black leaves. I wouldn't count that as white, nor would a white hat break the No White rule.

I agree with the few who said so what if the DD's dress looks 'bridesmaidy'; she isn't one and the OP already said shes got accessories to make it look different.

My 'friend' started getting bridezilla with me a few years back. She did constantly ask what I was wearing, but I knew her and refused to tell her. Anyway word got back to her, through a 'snake friend' via my 'naive friend' that I was wearing a Versus dress. She called me saying I was going to a wedding and not a nightclub (she hadn't seen the dress only heard the brand). After a deep breath I said, "Fuck your wedding. Give my chicken to someone else."

To this day she still tries to talk to me but I don't want to know. OP, it feels so much better not going to the wedding

Oh dear. I'm usually a bit open mouthed at the cheek of bridezillas but in this case I have to say that as you have basically picked bridesmaid/flower girl dresses for yourself and your daughter I can absolutely understands why your dear friend might say 'wtf are you doing?'. She may be doing it kindly...you are going to get odd looks all day.

That Jenny Packham dress is in the bridesmaid collection for goodness sake: she's probably being looking at it alongside the longer version she ended up choosing.

Are you perhaps disappointed deep down that you and your daughter weren't given a bigger role in your dear friend's day?

Oh for goodness sake, what happened to weddings being about a couple celebrating their love for one another in front of the people they love?

I could not have cared less what people wore to my wedding, we were happy that our family and friends made the effort to travel (some 10 mins away and some 10 hours) to celebrate the day with us.

It is tragic that weddings have descended into this farce. Your friend will be the centre of attention regardless of what colour anyone else wears, she is the bride after all! The only thing that could upstage them would be alien landing or a wedding guest getting completely plastered and staggering around the place.

Is this a person that you actively want to stay friends with?

Honestly I think for a wedding your DD's dress wouldn't have worked - I wouldn't have cared, but if she's having flower girls/junior bridesmaids, it does look a little like one of those dresses might. I think the second one is fine but a summery one would probably be better.

As to her reaction to your dress? Tell her to do one. And well done on the weight loss! That's a fabulous achievement.

If I saw your daughter at a wedding in that dress I would assume she was a flowergirl.

Unless i saw a little girl being a flowergirl, I would assume she was a guest.

My thoughts are that if the colour and type of dress of the guests is that important then the bride is probably starting to loose all sense of proportion and has some confidence issues.

That said I think white for any guest is a complete no no. I don't think that white is the done thing, but then is she really going to throw guests out? The guest will look rude, but if she throws them out then she looks ruder and makes the scene that everyone will remember rather than her. Its best just to let it go and not make a fuss to be honest. I think throwing a hissy fit on facebook about it, isn't exactly grown up or 'endearing' either though.

As for matching the colour of the bridesmaid's dresses. You either tell guests when you send out invitations what the colour scheme is, or you lump it. At the point where your guests have bought things or say they are wearing x, y or z without previous information it is too late for the bride to complain, unless the bride is prepared to pay money out for the guest's alternative clothing. Something I very much doubt most would do, and if they do then fair play, you get an extra dress out of it.

You can ban one colour (plus white being an unwritten given) as a bride imho provided its done in advance, but specifying you HAVE to wear a certain colour would definitely have me turning up in something 'banned' to make a point. Attending a wedding is expensive and the idea that all the guests come in uniform to make pretty pictures is rude in its own right. As a bride you should understand and make allowances to a degree that not everyone can and should buy something specifically for your day.

As much as its the bride's day, a bride can still be bloody rude and should be honoured that people make the effort to come as much as the guests should feel honoured to be invited.

In short, a bit of basic mutual respect.

The dress I will be wearing is the one in the picture. I don't ever wear white as I'm very pale.

I will ask DD to try on the latest dress (cotton knee length) I added with cardi and shoes and see how it looks, might add a purple sash belt with a flower of something too if not we can get something from sainsburys.

I do not intend to get a new dress for me as it was £95 and for me that's a huge amount to spend on a dress. To wear it for 3 weddings I could just about justify it.

The bride has become really confrontational with me recently, I have a feeling this is down to me having to cancel her hen day/ night as we are moving on the same day. It couldn't be helped as we are in a chain and we are just happy to finally get a move date.

Fuck your wedding. Give my chicken to someone else

Love this line.

Far this is AIBU so whilst my response was curt it was NOT shitty. Her OP was very confusing so it's not surprising I hadn't got the gist...but either way I was right...she's got a dress for herself which looks like the adult bridesmaids and her DD's IS white...or cream...and it looks like a BMs too! I was not the only one to disagree with her either so keep your bossy tones to yourself.

Your dress looks lovely, and you should wear it.

Your daughter's dress I can see why she thinks it is inappropriate, although as you're putting purple with it I think she should chill. I may be biased as I had friends whose daughters wore actual bridesmaid dresses to my wedding and I just thought they looked like really nice dresses. They weren't holding posies of flowers and they weren't standing behind me in the church, so I didn't worry people would think they were bridesmaids. But I've been on the internet long enough to know that some people think this is a massive issue.

Momb - it is a Jenny packham dress yes, but I had no idea it's in there bridal collection. In sore it wasn't with the bridal and bridesmaid dresses. I had no idea.

And I had no idea what her colour theme is/was until she text me after asking what I was wearing

Personally I think any little girl up to age 5 in a bridesmaid dress whether they are or not, is fair enough but I think that this is a grey area in terms of etiquette, and really down to the bride in question.

OP, really your dress is lovely and completely appropriate. The line between bridesmaid dress and not is so thin it practically doesn't exist anymore.

When I was married we got my sister an actual bridesmaid's dress from an actual bridesmaid dress company to ensure that no-one would be wearing the same dress from Coast/Debenhams/JL wherever all else as she was. And how often has she worn it since? Never. Waste of money.

Sounds like your friend has lost all sense of perspective - hopefully she'll have the good grace to be embarrassed in years to come.

I think yanbu about the blue dress but yabu about the dress for your daughter. It looks like a bridesmaids dress so isn't appropriate.

Your dress looks absolutely fine to me. Bridesmaids dresses have become much more like cocktail dresses these days, whereas they used to be more like ballgowns of prom gowns and none of the guests would be likely to be mistaken for a BM. It's hardly your fault she's chosen something so non-bridesmaidy.

Your DDs dress does look very much like she could be the flower girl though. Although unless there are other flower girls also wearing cream tulle with a sash I don't really see why it's such an issue, so long as she won't have flowers in her hair and be carrying a basket or a posie.

I think your friend is being daft and unreasonable but for the sake of an easy life you are going to have to change at least one of them, or you'll never hear the last of it.

Regardless of what the actual dresses look like, the bride is being bridezilla. Her invitations were the place to confirm with guests what the dress code was, beyond that, brides simply don't get a say.

To ask what you were wearing could be seen as being friendly, to comment in such a way, and to demand you buy other dresses, is way beyond the line.

I agree it's bad manners to turn up to a wedding wearing white (as an adult) but the OP is not suggesting that she do this.

These days there is very little difference between a smart summer dress and a bridesmaid dress, especially short ones, so I think PP's are being a bit sensitive about this.

TBH I would respond with something neutral but making it clear you won't pushed around like this!! Maybe something like:

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I understand you are feeling stressed about the day, but you will look glorious in your dress and I don't think there will be any chance of anyone upstaging you. As I said, I've already bought our dresses some time ago, and given the move I don't really have the time or funds for new ones, plus I really think it will all be ok on the day."

"dear friend" really???
Option A. On balance we've decided not to attend because you are batshit crazy
Option B. On balance Dd's dress is a bit bridesmaidy and given she will be one of the few small children there it might be natural assumption made by other guests so I will buy her something else to wear. It will not be possible for me to change my dress so please let me know if you would prefer that we don't attend.
Option C. You're a dear friend. Of course I will spend hundreds of pounds accommodating your excessive demands. Don't think I will forget this.

I do think you are being insensitive.

I'm not wild about child free weddings, but you pushed her to allow your DD to come when she'd not planned for that, and I agree with the majority view that the dress you picked for her isn't appropriate. People do get funny about weddings - the reason for the white dress 'rule' and other similar ones is because people occasionally do do spiteful things like coming dressed a bride/bridesmaid when they're not. And this is what your DD will look like.

It really is not worth the hassle to your friend.

To put the bride's side of things a bit - my (lovely) ex-MIL came to my wedding in a long cream dress, quite similar to mine as I wasn't wearing a very formal wedding dress. I didn't give a flying fuck on my own behalf but I did actually feel worried beforehand that people would comment on it, and I did spend a really unnecessary amount of time a few days later fielding snide comments from part of my family about her. Remember the bride is probably getting comments from all sides at the moment, and that's why a little thing like your DD's dress might be bothering her so much!

All weddings are dire. This is a great excuse not to go. Grasp it with both hands.

However, if you want to go, then I think you should change DD's dress but stick with yours.

When a best friend got married in 2006 she nicely asked close family to wear red or pink somewhere in their outfit to complement her dark red wedding dress in the photos - but she made no demands of other guests.

However my sister's friend is getting married next month & has DEMANDED that no guest wear floral dresses. Try getting a non floral smart dress that is not black or white - it's not easy at this time of year!

I can understand the OP's friend not wanting guests to wear white (although she sounds OTT over it) but if she didn't want guests to wear blue as well then she should have stated that in the invitation!

2nd dress is fine first dress too BMy for your DD.

for what it's worth years ago I went to a Muslim ceremony (not wedding, was done in private) and I had a lovely lacy but lowish (not obscene) top and pink jacket and skirt (knee length). The bride got totally bridezilla when she saw me or heard about my outfit and demanded I cover myself with the jacket (this was when boleros weren't really 'in' or popular). It was only very slightly see through and I wore a flesh toned bra. i can't remember if I whipped off the jacket (it was summer) but a good friend of mine had a cleavage revealing dress (strappy) that showed a good deal of boob and nothing was said to her at all.

It was a car crash of a day though as the guests (good friends of bride) gossiped quite loudly that X was only getting married to Y to stay in the country (X is Australian Y is British Muslim) not in earshot of the Muslim guests though...

It's not a 'bridal' dress it's a 'special occassions' dress according to the debenhams site. I think it's lovely and I imagine it will really suit your figure.

[[http://www.debenhams.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/prod_10701_10001_008010540043_-1 NO mention of 'bridal' here]

It's a navy dress and it won't stand out at all.

Even if you bought it in January I bet John Lewis will still take it back as its still current stock and hasn't been reduced. I wouldn't though. I think it's the type of dress you could wear again and again.

I'll try that DEBENHAMS link again

I wouldn't go me. Life is too short to be bothered about this stuff.