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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my sister is BU and SIL did nothing wrong?

300 replies

MyFamilyAreAllMad · 25/05/2015 16:54

My sister and SIL are at war again Hmm

Sister gave my nieces £20 each. They are 7 and 8. They chose to go to Pizza Hut or Express or one of those places, so SIL and BIL took them and then got the girls to phone them up and say thank you.

Sister is now mad because 'they spent the money on themselves'!

Confused

I am staying WELL out of it, but I really think she's BU.

OP posts:
NobodyLivesHere · 25/05/2015 19:53

But I wouldnt see it as eating into the kids money, I would see it as facilitating them to have a meal out which they wanted.

Littlemonstersrule · 25/05/2015 19:53

It's easy to say buy a gift instead but children like having their own money at times instead of a present. Given lots seem to think cash or vouchers are fair game to be spent by parents, a present at least gets to the child.

flippinada · 25/05/2015 19:54

Hang on - nobody has any idea way they ate!

All the naysayers are assuming a scenario where the kids birthday money is being snatched by the parents to pay for their luxury pizza while the kids have some crappy bargain basement meal deal.

Isn't it more likely they had a nice proper meal and the girls paid for "their" food and the parents paid for the rest?

Mrsstarlord · 25/05/2015 19:55

It all depends. If the kids wanted to take their parents out for a pizza and pay the bill themselves then fair enough. By this I mean, they asked for the bill / handed over the cash etc all as part of the experience.

If they wanted a pizza and the parents said, we can go if you pay for it (and took the money towards payment) then they ABU as it's a cheapskate thing to do and not about the experience.

If I was sister I would be put out that the money had been spent on a family meal unless someone explained that the first scenario was what had happened.

Redglitter · 25/05/2015 21:39

I agree with flippinada why's everyone assuming the parents stuffed themselves and spent the entire amount of money. For all we know they could have had the cheapest thing possible, rounded down the bill and the children have paid maybe half. For all we know they could have gone home with half their money.

I've done similar with nieces who've wanted to be all grown up and buy something. The eldest wanted to pay for coffee in Costa. We tried to talk her out of it but no she was adamant she was paying. she had 'loads of money' on her. She bought 2 lattes, 2 soft drinks and 4 cakes and proudly handed over the £3 it 'cost' to the cashier while auntie redglitter paid the balance while she was off getting sugar etc. She was so proud of herself for paying. The OPs family could easily have done something similar for all we know

TTWK · 25/05/2015 21:46

If the parents honestly couldn't afford to eat out and the kids wanted to go to a pizza place, then the parents go but don't eat.

I recall taking my kids for a pizza once about 6pm and I didn't eat because I was going out for dinner later. I just had a coke and they had the works.

If I was skint that's what I'd do. Make some excuse about having a dodgy tummy to my kids and say I'll just have a drink and you have whatever yo want with the money your aunt gave you. Then do myself economy beans on toast when they'd gone to bed.

I would not, under any circumstances, use my kids gift money to pay for my own food in a rrestaurant. I can't believe so many people think this is fine. It's bloody awful

Jetgir1 · 25/05/2015 21:48

If your nieces have chosen to spend their gifted money on a lovely meal out for their family (something they may not usually be able to do) I think that shows they have amazing hearts wanting to have a great time with their parents. They are benefitting as well as they have clearly had a fantastic time (and we all know how much 7/8 year olds LOVE a starter AND dessert rofl) A 3 course meal in Pizza Express/Hut with drinks can easily cost £20 a head tbh. I've come away with a £60+ bill for 5 of us with no desserts and all the kids on kids meals only...

If you give a gift you cannot dictate how it is spent. If she wants her nieces to have "something for themselves" she should buy presents instead of gifting money.

Jetgir1 · 25/05/2015 21:50

Also as said you have no idea how much was spent on this meal. They could easily have money left and parents could easily have paid most of it.

Athenaviolet · 25/05/2015 22:01

nobodyliveshere if the scenario was that that parents absolutely couldn't afford to fund their own meals then only one of them needed to go to accompany the dcs. Both of them going was taking the piss imo.

mistressmerryweather I don't really see how the parents treating themselves to junk food is any different from spending it on booze or fags. If the dcs wanted to 'treat' them to that are you saying they should have been able to spend their cash doing so?

Athenaviolet · 25/05/2015 22:04

If it's an issue of the dcs being accompanied the parents could have had a glass of tap water each and saved the money for the kids. I'd see this as stealing from young dcs who don't know better. It's deplorable and can't believe so many people are trying to justify it!

TTWK · 25/05/2015 22:09

I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe reading this thread. So many people saying "if you give money, then you have no right to dictate how it should be spend".

I think you have every right to expect it to be spent on the kids you gave it to, and not to fund or even part fund the parents eating out in a restaurant. If the kids spend it on something for themselves that you think is a waste of money, then tough, it's none of your business. But the money being used to fund the parents having a meal out! Bloody outrageous. I'd be fucking livid.

Redglitter · 25/05/2015 22:19

we STILL dont know the circumstances and how much of the children's money was used or how much the parents had to eat

VashtaNerada · 25/05/2015 22:22

I'm shocked at how divisive this thread is! If I was OP's sister I'd think it was lovely they chose to pay for a meal out. It's the sort of thing DNephew would do and if he could afford to pay for everyone and wanted to, I'd find that really touching.
If, however, it was the case that the DC had been coerced into paying for a meal when they really wanted something else that would be quite concerning. But it doesn't sound like this is the case at all.

AnUtterIdiot · 25/05/2015 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Donatellalymanmoss · 25/05/2015 22:24

No one knows that the parents didn't pay for their own pizza or whatever. And for those saying children wouldn't instigate going for dinner, even my five year old asks to go for pizza!!
OP I think for sister is BU, if someone phones you to say thank you for your gift of cash I had a great time spending it then why the fuck would you be anything other than happy that they'd enjoyed your present?

Donatellalymanmoss · 25/05/2015 22:27

I also think the taking parents out for a meal is a bit of a misleading way to phrase it, I'd put money on the children's primary motive being to get themselves fed and that their parents being there was just a matter of fact means to an end! Although that's not to say they didn't enjoy their company.

fellowship33 · 25/05/2015 22:30

My 8-year-old often offers to buy things like breakfast croissants or drinks when we are out - haven't said yes - so I wouldn't be a bit surprised if these kids decided to spend birthday money on a meal out. I think it's a lovely thing to do! If dd wanted to to this I might well let her.

Lauz781 · 25/05/2015 22:36

When my ds1 was about 7 he found £50 while we were walking the dog. We went to the police station and handed it in and the police officer told him if it wasn't claimed then he would ring me and ds1 could have it. Months later i got that call and ds1 was given the money. He chose to take ds2 and I to our 'treat' restaurant for tea. He was so proud to be taking us out and I was very proud of his generosity. To have refused his offer would have been cruel.

ReginaBlitz · 25/05/2015 22:49

The parents have took the piss. Id be fuming too if I was your sister

BeCool · 25/05/2015 23:04

Sounds like your sister didn't give her young nieces £20 each, she gave them an obligation to read her mind and spend the money in accordance with her ongoing wishes.

What a head fuck.

IssyStark · 25/05/2015 23:09

My 8yo has frequently offered to buy treats for us when out as it means he'd get the treat too! I sometimes let him contribute, and then I buy him an extra magazine or something similar later. He's good at budgeting his pocket money but isn't great at realising the relative cost of stuff. I wouldn't blame the parents for using this as part of a learning experience.

Pizza Express is also his favourite restaurant and he likes going there as a family. I can't understand the holier-than-thous who have suggested that the girls should only have had one parent with them and that parent should have only drunk water, because that's a great family experience. Nor is Pizza Express cheap if you pay standard menu prices. If the girls wanted to treat the family to a meal out, and at that age I could well believe they might, then why not let them? It's their money, not their aunt's.

frazzled74 · 25/05/2015 23:18

It's not a treat for the parents to go to Pizza Hut , it's a treat for the children, surely? It would ruin it for the children if only one parent went I would think? I would be happy for my dn birthday money to be spent in this way .

wiltingfast · 25/05/2015 23:24

My 5 yo wrangled a meal out for the whole family last Sat. Didn't make him pay for it tho! Hmm food for thought Grin

No one's business really anyway is it? Their family, their choices. Children should learn how to be generous and that meals out are an expensive treat, why not? They probably have tons of plastic tat if they're anything like this house

I'm pretty impressed with the kids actually!

Pony74 · 25/05/2015 23:33

Seriously fucked up for parents to be using kid's birthday money for a meal out. What is wrong with some people.

justmyview · 26/05/2015 02:22

I think the girls should have paid for their own meals and spent the spare cash on themselves.

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