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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my sister is BU and SIL did nothing wrong?

300 replies

MyFamilyAreAllMad · 25/05/2015 16:54

My sister and SIL are at war again Hmm

Sister gave my nieces £20 each. They are 7 and 8. They chose to go to Pizza Hut or Express or one of those places, so SIL and BIL took them and then got the girls to phone them up and say thank you.

Sister is now mad because 'they spent the money on themselves'!

Confused

I am staying WELL out of it, but I really think she's BU.

OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 25/05/2015 18:54

I don't understand why people think it would be better for the two children to be denied their treat rather than the parents use some of the money given. If they can't afford to eat out normally, this may have been the only option.

The children were happy. Isn't that all that matters?

littlejohnnydory · 25/05/2015 18:55

Your sister is being VVVU. Your nieces wanted to go out to pizza hut. It was their choice, not their parents wanting a free meal out. Perhaps they don't do that often as a family because their parents can't afford it? Perhaps they couldn't afford to pay for their own meals?

Or perhaps they could afford it but chose to let their daughters feel grown up and do something kind in taking them out for a meal, and will make sure they get their money back in another way? What else should they do, make them feel small and unimportant by refusing to allow them to give everyone a treat?

Hoppityhippityhop · 25/05/2015 18:57

I can't imagine inviting my parents for a meal out when I was seven. I think I would have thought about buying some books or going ice skating if I had been given £20. As a parent I wouldn't allow my young children to pay for a meal out, I would rather they spent it on something for themselves. I wouldn't dream of dictating how someone spent money I gave them as a gift but this senario would surprise me.

littlejohnnydory · 25/05/2015 18:58

What if the person wanted to buy something for the home, whiter? I often choose to do that with borthday money etc. Because I want it and we cou;dn't otherwise afford it. I never get this "must be spent on yourself" business - if you buy the thing you want, then it is spent on yourself. Who wants a gift that's given with conditions?

Theycallmemellowjello · 25/05/2015 19:00

Ffs, 7 year old children do not feel small and unimportant because their parents pay for their own food! How ridiculous- they are used to their parents paying for everything. You can get a meal in Pizza Hut for a fiver - sorry but the parents should have saved up or cut back on something else to afford their own meals.

Athenaviolet · 25/05/2015 19:09

What a pair of freeloaders!

Using money for their DCs to pay for their food at a restaurant! Imo that's totally taking the piss. If I'd given the money I'd be fuming!

Janethegirl · 25/05/2015 19:12

Simple, if people using money given as a gift for purposes you don't approve of, don't give money. Get off your arse and go and buy a present.
Remember that unwanted presents often go to charity shops Grin

flippinada · 25/05/2015 19:14

I agree with PP who say that you can't dictate how a cash gift is spent. If the girls wanted to put in for a special meal out which the whole family enjoyed then what's wrong with that?

It sounds like your sister is spoiling for a fight and if it wasn't this it would be something else.

MistressMerryWeather · 25/05/2015 19:16

Freeloaders?! :o

You would think the parents took the money to buy fags and beer.

murmuration · 25/05/2015 19:17

they are used to their parents paying for everything

But that's the point! They get to feel big and grown up by treating their parents. Why would you put a damper on that by insisting they are not allowed to be generous to a parent?

Instead of thinking of it as the parents getting a free meal, think of it as the kids get a meal out plus that wonderful warm feeling of doing something for somebody else.

dailyfix · 25/05/2015 19:18

I don't think we can judge.

Maybe the parents are really skint & couldn't afford for the family ever to eat out
or
Maybe the DC spent their money on their food & the parents paid for themselves and gave the girls the change

I think I'd be a bit miffed if the gift was from me but it's wrong to challenge the parents.

flippinada · 25/05/2015 19:19

BTW people are assuming that they are off the cheapo deal menus, and that the parents didn't contribute.

If they went as a special treat (which is what it sounds like) and had starters/mains/puds/drinks each then it would probably cost quite a bit - even in Pizza Hut or Pizza Express!

VivaLeBeaver · 25/05/2015 19:22

I think your sister has a point but no point getting mad about it.

WeirdCatLady · 25/05/2015 19:23

First time we gave our dd pocket money she saved it up and then on Mothers Day said she wanted to buy me lunch.

I cried

She was so very happy to be able to treat me. Your sister is being -a loon-- unreasonable. Your nieces sound lovely Smile

flippinada · 25/05/2015 19:23

*ate off

WeirdCatLady · 25/05/2015 19:27

Strikeout fail Blush

slithytove · 25/05/2015 19:28

Yes, what if the £ had gone into money boxes and then spent on gifts? Would this be ok?

Is there any confirmation that the girls didn't get any change or that the parents didn't pay for themselves?

And though Pizza Hut can be £5 ph, equally, pizza express can be £25 ph. Who knows which it was? No one here.

SaucyJack · 25/05/2015 19:32

I'm with your sister.

I'm embarrassed for your DB and SIL.

littlejohnnydory · 25/05/2015 19:38

Mellow, perhaps there is nowhere they can cut back and nothing left over to save up with? I was about their age when I offered my dad a coin I had towards a meal out. I was crushed when he said "no, we pay for the food" and yes I did feel small and unimportant, ffs. If my seven year old offered, I would accept but make sure he got the money back in another way - so let him feel he had paid whilst not really taking anything away from him. It's precisely because they are used to their parents paying for everything that it could be a real boost to their self esteem to give something back.

NobodyLivesHere · 25/05/2015 19:39

I think people massively over think things. In my house it would have been a case of me saying
P 'ok nobodychildren, what do you want to buy with your money? Do you want to buy something? Would you like to go somewhere?'
They would answer PIZZA HUT! cos my children think with their stomachs, and as we dont have much money going on this kind of treat is rare. And also because we don't have much money I'd have to use that gift to fund the outting. My children aren't old enough to go alone. So either i feed myself too, or they dont get to go. I really don't see why that is wrong??!

whitershadeofpale · 25/05/2015 19:40

If you really wanted something for the house littlejohnny then of course that would be ok.

I stated with encouragement from others as in the situation in the OP encouragement by the parents would have been required. I would have a problem with that I give for that person to have something for themselves not to feel obligated into sharing. If the OPs sister had wanted to treat the whole family she would have.

Redglitter · 25/05/2015 19:40

She gave then the money as a gift presumably with no strings attached. They chose to use it for a family meal at Pizza Hut. They had a great time got to eat what they wanted. she should be glad they got so much enjoyment from her gift.

I don't see anything wrong in them paying. Dinner for 4 isn't cheap and if they're parents couldn't afford it the girls probably loved being grown up and paying.

NobodyLivesHere · 25/05/2015 19:43

'No I'm sorry kids, you can't watch tv or have lights on because I had to pay for my own food in pizza hut instead of buy electricity this week'.

Thats much better.

flippinada · 25/05/2015 19:48

Yep..children that age can't exactly take themselves off for a meal out!

Theycallmemellowjello · 25/05/2015 19:48

OK in the unconfirmed hypothetical situation that the parents are living on the poverty line and unable to rearrange their month's finances to afford a pizza between them, then I do relax my position. I've never had to live through that situation, and I guess I'm not in a position to judge. But it would have to be a pretty desperate situation for me to start eating into the kids' money. I don't accept that it is impossible to make children feel valued without taking their money. If they offer - by all means make a fuss and say thank you for the lovely gesture etc - but don't take the money. I also wouldn't let my DS pay for gifts for other people with money given to him by family members, that seems so unfair.