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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my sister is BU and SIL did nothing wrong?

300 replies

MyFamilyAreAllMad · 25/05/2015 16:54

My sister and SIL are at war again Hmm

Sister gave my nieces £20 each. They are 7 and 8. They chose to go to Pizza Hut or Express or one of those places, so SIL and BIL took them and then got the girls to phone them up and say thank you.

Sister is now mad because 'they spent the money on themselves'!

Confused

I am staying WELL out of it, but I really think she's BU.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 25/05/2015 17:30

So the sil and bil got a free meal out of your sister's gift to their children. I don't think your sister is at all unreasonable to be annoyed at that! It's extremely cheeky of sil and bil and I'd think a lot less of them.

Momagain1 · 25/05/2015 17:30

If their aunt wants them to have some sort of childish, girly pink, sparkly tat, she should put out the effort of choosing an actual gift, or taking them shopping, instead of just giving cash with confusing, invisible strings of expectation.

Once any gift is given, the giver loses the right to offer their opinion on what it is used for.

Postchildrenpregranny · 25/05/2015 17:30

They sound like lovely children to want to treat hard -up parents to a meal out . Perhaps they enjoy experiences more than things ?

letscookbreakfast · 25/05/2015 17:31

Your SIL has a point, it's sweet of the children but if I gave money to a child to spend on themselves and they bought their parents lunch I'd be annoyed.

TenerifeSea · 25/05/2015 17:32

I do think it's strange that the parents allowed their children to use the money on their meal. If that were me, I'd tell mine that it was to be spent on them not on me and their dad. Maybe the children then insisted which is different though.

Original poster
MyFamilyAreAllMad · 25/05/2015 17:32

Huh, I really thought my sis was UR! I really couldn't get het up about it.

OP posts:
letscookbreakfast · 25/05/2015 17:33

Not SIL, sister!

GlitzAndGigglesx · 25/05/2015 17:35

They sound like lovely well brought up children. At that age I'd spend birthday money on useless tat or clothes I'd cringe at now. I can see why your sister is upset but it was their money to spend as they please

MistressMerryWeather · 25/05/2015 17:35

SIL is being a petty drama queen.

The girls were happy and had fun, that's all the matters.

Littlemonstersrule · 25/05/2015 17:35

I'd be cross too. Parents should feed their young children not the other way round. If I give my niece or nephew money it's for them to treat themselves with and I would be cross if their parents spent it.

5madthings · 25/05/2015 17:36

I don't see the problem, the parents will have had to top up the money to pay for the meal it won't have paid for all of it.

The money was a gift to the kids, you don't get to stipulate what they spend it on, they wanted to go to pizza express. My kids love it thete and would also view it ad a real treat.

As an aside I am getting married on thu, we are all going to pizza express for lunch after (registry office wedding) it's perfect for the kids and the madthings are really looking forward to it.

ahbollocks · 25/05/2015 17:37

I would be cross too. If someone gives my dc money as a gift I let them spend it all on themselves, not try and cadge some of it for myself!

pinkdelight · 25/05/2015 17:37

It's an odd thing to occur to a kid, to spend their money on a family meal. Most kids know that's an adult's responsibility. Therefore it's understandable if she thinks the parents might have floated the idea maybe. But if it is genuinely all the kids' idea then fair enough. I'd still expect the parents to pay for themselves though and let the girls have the leftover money. Even three courses each wouldnt use up the £40.

StonedGalah · 25/05/2015 17:37

Your sister is being a tit. If you give money that's your present what your dn spent it on is up to them.

Tbh if your sil said what do you want to spend it on and the dn said pizza express then she did the right thing.

And do we know for a fact sil used the birthday money from both on the entire meal? Maybe she paid for the adult meals.

murmuration · 25/05/2015 17:37

Interesting. If my daughter (who is 3, so not going to do this any time soon) did something similar, with a gift of money from someone to her, I would not then refuse to accept her 'gift' to me of a meal out. Having a gift refused is hurtful, and I wouldn't want to teach a generous 7-8yo that hurt is what you get when you try to do something nice. I would also want to encourage generousity and thinking of others, and not teach possessiveness, thus would not make a big point of "that's yours and you can't give it to anyone else".

I would probably later reciprocate with another meal or an activity that we did together, although if the parents are very hard-up that could be difficult.

Icimoi · 25/05/2015 17:39

I find it fairly unlikely that children of that age actually want to take their parents out for a meal and, in your sister's position, I'd be worried that they'd in effect been pressurised into it, in that their parents may have said it wouldn't be possible to go out unless they paid. If it were my children, even if they offered to pay for my meal I would have refused. It's not as if pizza restaurants are that expensive.

FishWithABicycle · 25/05/2015 17:41

I think it's fine for your nieces to spend their money on a meal out but it was very unreasonable of their parents to allow any of the money to be spent on grownups food. They should refund their daughters the cost of what the grownups ate and drank.

TidyDancer · 25/05/2015 17:41

Did the parents use the money to pay for their own food? Tbh if that's the case I can understand the annoyance. If it was me and my DCs had been given £40 and wanted pizza, I would've taken them to get pizza and then into toys r us or something. I don't think it's appropriate to take DCs money to pay for a family meal.

And I say this as someone who was given £5 birthday money when I was 8 or 9 and spent it on food for the family as we had no money in the house otherwise. That's obviously a different circumstance though, and imo is the only excuse for this.

LaLyra · 25/05/2015 17:41

I think your sister is being unreasonable. You don't get 3 courses plus drinks for £10 a head, even in Pizza Express or Pizza Hut. So the girls used their money for what they wanted and their parents put towards it.

Why begrude the nieces what they wanted to do? In an ideal world their parents could afford to take them places, but I'd far rather gifted money was spent on something that kids really, really enjoyed than a piece of tat "just for them".

LaLyra · 25/05/2015 17:42

It would be different if the money had been taken from them to buy the weekly shop, but, by the sounds of it, it was a treat for them, which is what gift money is for imo.

Koalafications · 25/05/2015 17:43

I can see both sides.

I think it depends on what the financial situation of the parents is. If they couldn't afford to pay for themselves and the DD's really wanted to go, I can understand the DD's paying for their parents.

However, if the parents can afford to pay for themselves and allowed their 7&9 yr old DD's to pay for them then I can completley understand why your DSis is annoyed. I would be pretty Hmm too.

TTWK · 25/05/2015 17:45

Your sister is being a tit. If you give money that's your present what your dn spent it on is up to them.

If you gave your nieces £20 each and you found out they decided to spend it on a new tyre for the family car because mummy and daddy couldn't afford it, would you be happy with that. Even if your nieces got a kick out of helping out? It would be bloody outrageous.

I think it's odd of the parents to eat the children's money. In the same position, I would have paid for my own meal and taken the DC to buy something with their change. If on a small budget, I'd have had the cheapest on the menu.

^ THIS 100%!

Theycallmemellowjello · 25/05/2015 17:45

Yeah to be honest if you give money to a child you expect the parents to ensure that it goes to the child and not to the general family finances. If it really was 100% the kids idea (which I am not sure about) then the parents should have refused to accept payment for their meal, even if that meant the money had to be spent on something else. If I were in your sister's position I'd have a real difficulty trusting her parents again, and certainly would make sure that future gifts were 'in kind' and not liable to be pilfered.

pixiestixie84 · 25/05/2015 17:46

If someone has strong views about what birthday/ gift money is to be spent on (clearly forgetting what a GIFT is Hmm) then they should buy them an actual present. Or take the person shopping if they are able to. This annoys me!

Momagain1 · 25/05/2015 17:47

I do not understand people insisting the parents should have refused to accept the dinner invitation. The girls wanted a big family night on the town and chose a resteraunt and took their parents. if the girls feel they got what they wanted, it isnt anyone else's business. How often do kids get to be so generous, afterall, OP said they got starters AND pudding too! They must have felt like lottery winners splashing out like that! How mean to deprive them of the chance. The parents disallowing their choice would have been silly And possibly hurtful.

If the aunt wants control over the choice of gift, she needs to buy a gift, not give cash.

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