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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my sister is BU and SIL did nothing wrong?

300 replies

MyFamilyAreAllMad · 25/05/2015 16:54

My sister and SIL are at war again Hmm

Sister gave my nieces £20 each. They are 7 and 8. They chose to go to Pizza Hut or Express or one of those places, so SIL and BIL took them and then got the girls to phone them up and say thank you.

Sister is now mad because 'they spent the money on themselves'!

Confused

I am staying WELL out of it, but I really think she's BU.

OP posts:
whitershadeofpale · 25/05/2015 17:50

I think it's the principle. It's the same as giving someone vouchers for their birthday and finding out they're dp or dh had encouraged them to buy something for the home with it. I'd be a bit miffed and honestly slightly less inclined to give in the future

Momagain1 · 25/05/2015 17:51

Pixie: you, me, and OP seem to be a rare breed in thinking the giver cant dictate the spending of a cash gift.

OP so why is sis mad at SIL and not brother? Just because she always finds reasons to be mad at her?

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 25/05/2015 17:52

If the parents can't afford to pay for a meal out then they should tell the children that and tell the children to spend their money on themselves.

I understand the idea that you don't get to say what a money gift is spent on but children should not pay for a meal. It would be different if the children were teenagers going out with their friends and choosing to go for pizza though.

TTWK · 25/05/2015 17:54

If someone has strong views about what birthday/ gift money is to be spent on

I don't think giving nieces money and not expecting their parents to have a free meal out on it is having strong views. It's having normal views.

I've given money to nieces and nephews and haven't even considered the remote possibility that the parents would spend it on themselves until reading this thread. I just know that would never happen, regardless of financial restraints. Because my siblings are normal people!

Original poster
MyFamilyAreAllMad · 25/05/2015 17:59

so why is sis mad at SIL and not brother? Just because she always finds reasons to be mad at her?

More or less, yeah.

The girls were just so pleased they had got to go out for their dinner (many photos were taken Grin) and had starters and puddings- they loved their night. I'd have been so pleased that they had enjoyed spending the money tbh.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 25/05/2015 17:59

I agree that if you give someone cash you can't dictate what it's spent on BUT when you give it to a child you do expect that the parents exercise some oversight on how it's spent. It's reasonable to expect that the kids don't spend it on booze and fags for example. It's also in my opinion reasonable to expect that the parents make sure that it goes on the child and not on anyone else. I agree that in a dire situation of poverty it's reasonable to spend the money on food or bills but presuming that the parents are able to provide the basics of life then they have a responsibility not to take the money and spend it on themselves, even if the kids offer. There has actually been a high profile court case where parents had to make good a trust fund of which they were trustees for their children when they spent the money on family holidays etc.

pixiestixie84 · 25/05/2015 18:00

If that's what the girls wanted as a present, I don't see what the issue is. In future maybe the sis will reconsider the gifts doge gives if she doesn't like it, but I still think SIBU.

Theycallmemellowjello · 25/05/2015 18:02

Re Paulings settlement trusts 1962

slithytove · 25/05/2015 18:02

It's unlikely that a meal at pizza express would be anything under £60, even if the kids got the £7 kids menu. So at minimum the parents will have put something in. If this is what the kids wanted to do, I don't see an issue with it.

DinosaursRoar · 25/05/2015 18:04

It's lovely that they enjoyed it, but can you not see that it would be better for your DB and SIL to say "we'll pay for our meals" so the girls could get something for themselves with the left over money? Are your DB and SIL really hard up? A family meal out is fun, but it's not something most people would expect DCs to fund themselves.

Don't be surprised if your DNs only get things like Toys R Us vouchers in the future...

Original poster
MyFamilyAreAllMad · 25/05/2015 18:06

It's lovely that they enjoyed it, but can you not see that it would be better for your DB and SIL to say "we'll pay for our meals" so the girls could get something for themselves with the left over money?

Mmm. I can see where you're coming from. They must have had to put something towards it though. And I'm certainly not asking for a receipt to see exactly how much it was, I'm staying out of it!

OP posts:
almondcakes · 25/05/2015 18:11

You can easily get a meal for four for under 40 quid at Pizza Express. They constantly have online deals - buy one get one free, third off etc. That's why families go to Pizza Express, surely?

That aside, I'd be annoyed if a member of my family spent kids' gift money on themselves, or allowed the kids to spend the money on them. I'd just keep my irritation private, because once the money has been handed over, it's up to the parents to monitor the spending of it.

AlternativeTentacles · 25/05/2015 18:13

I think it is up to the parents to feed their kids to be honest. I'm with your sister on it. If the family can't afford to go out, then the parents should still be buying their own food!

AlternativeTentacles · 25/05/2015 18:14

I recently sent my nieces some cash as they had both had misadventures and if their parents had spent it on a meal out I'd be pretty peeved.

ACSlater · 25/05/2015 18:14

That wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I gave my nephew birthday money and he spent it on him, his brothers and parents going to the cinema. I thought it was really sweet of him.

It's a Hmm to see it any other way.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 25/05/2015 18:18

I've just done a quick Google and at Pizza Hut you can get a kids pizza, unlimited salad and a drink for £3.99. Plus an extra £1.50 for the ice cream factory.

So even with a starter the kids meals probably came to less than £10 each so over half the money was spent on the parents.

So I do get why your da is annoyed. However, personally I wouldn't have said anything - just thought "humph" under my breath and vowed to buy something next year that can only be spent on kids.

I would also have blamed my brother - not my SIL!

I think it would have been fine if Pizza Hut is what e girls wanted if the adults had paid for themselves.

5madthings · 25/05/2015 18:20

Ds2 has had some money from relatives recently as he had been needing hospital treatment, he always spends some on his siblings. Cash given often goes towards family days out etc, relatives are fine, they often give the kids and us cash saying to do this. I really don't see it as off, it was the kids to do what they wanted with, they wanted to go to pizza express. If you give cash as a gift you don't get to decide what it is spent on, sorry. Gifts are just that, a gift no strings attached.

MrsCampbellBlack · 25/05/2015 18:22

I agree with pp who thought it unlikely 2 small children offered to pay for their parent's dinner.

I'd have been Hmm too unless they literally can't ever afford to eat out.

saturnvista · 25/05/2015 18:23

I would have been very annoyed but wouldn't have said anything.

My parents would never, ever have assumed I was buying their meal just because I wanted to spend my birthday money on a posh pizza. Who does this

Fairy13 · 25/05/2015 18:27

My step daughters mother only sees her once per week and feels it appropriate to ask her to 'lend' her pocket money out of her jar of birthday money.

This makes me sick to my stomach. Mum has never spent a penny on DSD and takes the 'lent' money to buy fags or stuff for herself, telling DSD how poor she is.

This is not the same.
Your nieces had a lovely time with their money, felt grown up having a treat and had a lovely time. Experiences are much more important than stuff.
I don't think this scenario is the same as using childrens gift money for family finances or parents using it on themselves.

Your sister is definitely BU and looking for an excuse to be annoyed.

MerynFuckingTrant · 25/05/2015 18:27

Your sister is being unreasonable.

She gave them a gift, the girls wanted to spend it on a family meal out, they did and had a great time then phoned up and said thank you. Sounds great! Can't see her problem at all.
The girls aren't old enough to go on their own...maybe the parents couldn't afford to pay for themselves and it sounds like the girls really really wanted a meal out or maybe the parents did pay for themselves and the girls have some money leftover. Doesn't really matter, I think it's a bit odd of your sister to be bothered by something like this she sounds like hardwork

MistressMerryWeather · 25/05/2015 18:31

I'm actually laughing at the spare tire comparison.

They had a fun night out eating pizza with their parents.

People should not give monetary gifts if they want to dictate how it's spent, just buy a gift and save yourself the stress.

Janethegirl · 25/05/2015 18:34

Your sis is being unreasonable. If you give cash or vouchers as a gift, you have no control over what happens with it.
I think it was a nice gesture by the daughters. Certainly better than buying crap from Claire's accessories.

TTWK · 25/05/2015 18:42

Your sis is being unreasonable. If you give cash or vouchers as a gift, you have no control over what happens with it.

True, but when you give cash to kids you are perfectly entitled to expect that their parents won't get any benefit THEMSELVES and certainly not have a free meal out with it.

MistressMerryWeather · 25/05/2015 18:47

Even if that is what the children wanted TTWK?

Why?

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