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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my sister is BU and SIL did nothing wrong?

300 replies

MyFamilyAreAllMad · 25/05/2015 16:54

My sister and SIL are at war again Hmm

Sister gave my nieces £20 each. They are 7 and 8. They chose to go to Pizza Hut or Express or one of those places, so SIL and BIL took them and then got the girls to phone them up and say thank you.

Sister is now mad because 'they spent the money on themselves'!

Confused

I am staying WELL out of it, but I really think she's BU.

OP posts:
00100001 · 27/05/2015 11:22

notso There is a difference though. The amount of money involved and the fact that he had saved up for a specific purpose. I don't think anyone here would suggest it was rude to refuse the artwork in your circumstances. It was woinderful of your son to offer and refusing it wouldn't be rude, as you'd explain that "that's so kind and thoughtful. however, you saved that money for the death star, buy it yourself, and I will save up for her art work."

However, if your child was adamant he wanted to change his mind about how he spent his money and was upset at the thought of you politely refusing/going without, it would be reasonable, (perhaps?) to say "OK, if you buy me the artwork, I will buy you the Lego Death Star"

00100001 · 27/05/2015 11:23

"I personally feel that saying to a child that they shouldn't spend money they've been given on anyone else might not be sending the best message."

YY

Icimoi · 27/05/2015 12:15

If the sister was unhappy about it, it rather suggests that she thought the parents could have paid for themselves and that it was cheapskate to take the children's money. As she is likely to know more about their finances than we do that has to carry weight.

My concern is that people are assuming that the nieces wanted to treat their parents, but we don't know whether that is the case. They may have wanted to go out and been told that it was only going to happen if they coughed up.

DeeWe · 27/05/2015 12:21

For me it would have depended on mostly how the decision was made:

  1. "Ooh you have 40 between us, we can go to pizza hut and have a meal": Not fair because the children are then being told what to do, and one saying that they don't want to looks like they're being mean.
  2. The dc coming to their parent and saying "we've decided we'd like to go to pizza hut, please may we use our money for that": is fine. Personally I'd have still assumed that they paid their way and parents paid for themselves, but that could be up for debate.

But also it would depend on whether Pizza hut was a treat or they'd go regularly anyway.
Growing up, we never ate out. Except occasionally at a service station on a long journey, which was 1 chelsea bun divided between 5, 1 pot of tea for dp and 1 can of coke divided between the three dc. Punctuated with df saing "that can of coke (or whatever) cost more than 5 bob" Grin

In that case, the dc paying is fair enough. The parents wouldn't choose to pay for a meal out and it would be a huge treat. I'd have loved to do that if I'd thought about it as a child (and been given enough money, which wouldn't have happened)

But I have friends now who go out every other Friday night. I'd not think it was a reasonable use of money to pay for that. Because it isn't a big treat, plus it is basically putting the money into the parents' pocket as they'd have paid for it anyway.

Also I do know a family locally for whom I always get the impression that the children are always second. Things like the two dc share a room so the mum can have a room as her walk in wardrobe. They will always try to come to things without the dc if possible, even if it's set up for dc and their friends will be there, and if they're arranging anything it's for them first and their dc put up with it. It makes me wonder how much they value the dc, as they always seem to put themselves first and expect others to look after the dc. If they'd spent the dc's birthday money on a meal out for all of them then I'd judge much more than a family whom I know do things for the dc.

TTWK · 27/05/2015 13:28

I personally feel that saying to a child that they shouldn't spend money they've been given on anyone else might not be sending the best message

Not sure anyone is saying that. Would be happy for niecesto use money to go to cinema and pay for friends, or to do something else that involves other kids, like a pizza or burger. But not for their parents to have a meal out on it.

00100001 · 27/05/2015 13:37

"But not for their parents to have a meal out on it."

You seem under the misapprehension that, in the OPs instance, that there this malevolent intent of the parent's 'stealing' money from kids or denying them intended gifts. Painting an image that makes them out to be bad people by 'free loading' off kids and having them 'feed the family'. Which isn't what happened (as far as we know) they were merely present at a meal in which the children spent their own money by choice.

I think many people have said that it was entirely reasonable for a child to want to spend money on parents, and it's reasonable for the parent to accept that gift.

I understand that you might feel upset if this had happened to you, but it's not fair to imply that people are somehow bad or wrong to not find a problem with this.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/05/2015 13:45

This has taken me ages to read I keep getting distracted.

I'm normally on these threads agreeing that it's wrong to absorb gift money into household budget and I feel so strongly about it that I now rarely give cash or vouchers to kids.

But no matter which way I look at this no matter how harsh I am about it I just can't understand what the problem is.

If going out for pizza is genuinely a treat then why not use it for the entire family. It's no different to a child of a friend hinting they would like to go to Alton towers for a birthday me knowing that to mum/dad Alton towers is not a treat and they can't afford it and giving over enough cash to purchase tickets for the children to go without being unsupervised so in essence funding the parents as well.

A treat meal out is not the same as mum/dad taking the money and going to tesco to buy frozen pizza.

Pizza Hut/ express would be my idea of hell but kids appear to like that sort of thing obviously there is the not having to cook aspect of it but it's hardly likely to be first choice for most grown ups if they were going to choose a treat meal.

Icimoi · 27/05/2015 13:49

But, 001, we don't that they were "were merely present at a meal in which the children spent their own money by choice" either, do we?

NKfell · 27/05/2015 13:57

Your mum should have explained to him that although it was a nice thought, his dad would want his son to spend the £5 on himself, not his mum.

This sounds to me like he shouldn't spend money he's been given on someone else?

When the flowers were given, you should have thanked your son very much but then explained to him very nicely that it wasn't what his dad has in mind, it wasn't fair on his dad to use that money for a gift for ex partner, and repaid him the £5.

So does this and I promise you, if either myself or then exP's Mum had said what you suggest to my son it would have taken the wind right out of his sails.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/05/2015 14:04

My DD saved up every scrap of money she had been given and spent it on me for Mothers day. No amount of telling her to save it for herself would stop her from doing it.

I will treasure that teddy she got for me.

So what kids treat their parents. Maybe for being such wonderful parents, who knows. My DD would treat me every day if she had the money and I let her.

Sister is being an idiot for being annoyed at 2 children doing something very nice.

TTWK · 27/05/2015 14:27

I understand that you might feel upset if this had happened to you, but it's not fair to imply that people are somehow bad or wrong to not find a problem with this.

It's perfectly fair, as it's my opinion. Parents do not let young children pay for their meal out, especially with money given to them by someone else as a gift. Maybe, just maybe, if they saved up their pocket money but even then I'm struggling with it. In my opinion, freeloaders is the correct term.

Other opinions are available!

NobodyLivesHere · 27/05/2015 15:01

I wouldn't even want to go to pizza hut. I go under sufferance. To be then accused of freeloading for doing it is just taking the piss Grin

00100001 · 27/05/2015 15:07

No, we don't ici, which is why it isn't fair to call them freeloaders.

MistressMerryWeather · 27/05/2015 15:21

Definition of a freeloader

a person who takes advantage of others' generosity without giving anything in return

I really doubt the term applies to the parents here.

TTWK · 27/05/2015 15:35

Definition of a freeloader
a person who takes advantage of others' generosity without giving anything in return
I really doubt the term applies to the parents here.

OK, I withdraw freeloader. Feel free to use sponger/ponce/leech instead.
Grin

ACSlater · 27/05/2015 15:58

It's really sad that there are so many mean spirited people here. It's unbelievable that they will turn doing something nice for their parents into something it's not.

Littlemonstersrule · 27/05/2015 16:11

I don't think its mean spirited to want a child to spend money they were gifted on themselves. Food should be provided by parents, children having to pay their parents share just to go out seems very wrong.

00100001 · 27/05/2015 16:15

Barbossa: "...the code is more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules."

sometimes, it's just a bit "ehhh, we'll decide on a whim if X counts as an insult, depends on which way the wind is blowing and Neptune's intersect of Sagittarius."

00100001 · 27/05/2015 16:16

opps - winr gthread Grin

00100001 · 27/05/2015 16:17

wrong*

RB68 · 27/05/2015 16:21

Kids can spend their money on whatever they like, they wanted to go out for Pizza. its not like they went to the supermarket and did the weekly shop is it!

Klayden · 27/05/2015 16:25

Thanks to this thread, I got pizza for dinner tonight. I didn't make the kids pay though.

jennymac · 27/05/2015 16:27

I am amazed by some of the responses to this! My dh's aunt gave my dc £20 for Easter between them instead of buying them eggs. I said "right, that will do you for a trip to the cinema over the holidays". Dh went with them and shock horror probably used some of the money for his own entry into the cinema. According to most of the views here, he should have given them back £2.50 each so they could spend it on some rubbishy toy or sweets at a later date! Ridiculous!! Kids these days get loads of stuff and most houses are coming down both with toys and other goodies. Far better for the children to have a nice family meal out and learn about sharing and being generous with their money.

TTWK · 27/05/2015 16:28

its not like they went to the supermarket and did the weekly shop is it!

Although many on here would appear to be fine with that, they are just being nice to their parents and it would be wrong for the parents to refuse.

I don't think its mean spirited to want a child to spend money they were gifted on themselves. Food should be provided by parents, children having to pay their parents share just to go out seems very wrong.

Exactly.

bigbumtheory · 27/05/2015 16:38

No I cant control and wouldn't dictate but when they waste my hard earned money especially because of being not bothered I will be pissed off. I will never be pissed off again with them because I won't let them waste my gifts but finding out they are wasteful especially when they had up to the day before to exchange for credit...yes I was pissed off and I doubt anyone else who has a tight budget and sees that would be able not to be. They'd right it off and learn as I did but initially be annoyed.