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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my sister is BU and SIL did nothing wrong?

300 replies

MyFamilyAreAllMad · 25/05/2015 16:54

My sister and SIL are at war again

Sister gave my nieces £20 each. They are 7 and 8. They chose to go to Pizza Hut or Express or one of those places, so SIL and BIL took them and then got the girls to phone them up and say thank you.

Sister is now mad because 'they spent the money on themselves'!

I am staying WELL out of it, but I really think she's BU.

OP posts:

bigbumtheory · 27/05/2015 16:41

She added to my being miffed admittedly by joking how I could buy her a big Christmas present to make up for the massage she wasted!

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 27/05/2015 20:06

"Oh sweetie, we can't go and do what would make you really happy and excited because mummy can't afford a $20 pizza meal and the internet ladies think I'm freeloading if I let you pay. Let's go buy something you don't want instead."

wiltingfast · 27/05/2015 23:22

You know this frustrates me a bit with gift givers. Some gift givers have such a fixed idea of what is a 'treat' or a 'present'.

Personally I want my children to have a wide concept of both. Joy in life does not come always come from thinking solely of yourself. I would be v pleased if my children demonstrated the instinct of the op's SILs and would encourage it. My dm v much thinks along the lines of a v specific item for the child. I have managed to move her from solely giving sweets or toys to also giving clothes. I am now trying to encourage the zoo and panto as further alternatives.
The meal here seems to me as likely to be part of a v similar outlook.

I am really quite surprised that such parenting choices are attracting criticism.

2rebecca · 27/05/2015 23:38

If my kids had been given money and wanted to go out for a meal with it I'd have let them pay for their own meals (although probably not all) but we would have paid for our own meals. They are only 7&8 so not like hungry teenagers. If the sister had given money to the whole family fine spend it on a meal but this was just for 2 little girls. I suspect in future the sister will buy them actual presents.
I think if you give an adult money and they spend it on other people fine, but I'd worry the parents persuaded the kids to treat them to a meal and think that even if they didn't an unselfish parent should have refused the offer of having their meal paid for by a child and said thanks but no thanks.
If a sibling did this I wouldn't "get mad" though, I just wouldn't give gifts of money any more for a few years.

TTWK · 28/05/2015 08:37

I am really quite surprised that such parenting choices are attracting criticism

They are not. What's attracting criticism is parents using kids gift money to buy themselves a meal out! Just that specific detail.

Troglodad · 28/05/2015 11:27

Your sister is being bloody mental.

Even if the kids did pay for their mummy and daddy, to be honest - if that's what they wanted to do, that's what they wanted to do. It's their money. That's how gifts work.

If she is still upset, perhaps next time she gives them a gift she should donate it to charity and give them a receipt, that way they really can't spend it on what they want.

PerspicaciaTick · 28/05/2015 11:41

As a small child I adored being able treat my parents, I didn't have a lot if money but when I did I would be so excited to be able to do something for my parents. Often I did things which had a huge amount of planning but needed very little cash.
I think it is desperately sad that children should not be allowed to enjoy being generous and treating the family because adults insist on taking over and dictating terms. The message it sends is that adults are allowed to be kind and considerate, but children are only allowed to spend their money selfishly. Really screwed up.

TTWK · 28/05/2015 12:36

Your sister is being bloody mental.

Well I think on this thread about a third of people agree with her, and two thirds against. So that's quite a lot of mental people!

Fairy13 · 30/05/2015 08:09

Just saw an episode of peppa pig where they want to buy granny and grandpa an anniversary present with their pocket money.

The bloodsucking leeches accepted it too.
Freeloaders.

TTWK · 30/05/2015 08:43

Just saw an episode of peppa pig where they want to buy granny and grandpa an anniversary present with their pocket money. The bloodsucking leeches accepted it too. Freeloaders.

Oh do keep up. It's been said many times thru this thread that using saved up pocket money to buy for an adult is different to spending money given as a gift by one adult on another adult.

A better scenario would be when the kids wanted to stay for a weekend with grandparents and were told as grandparents couldn't afford to feed visitors, the kids would have to stump up for their own food, with birthday money given by the other set of grandparents!

Has that storyline appeared on Peppa Pig?

Fairy13 · 30/05/2015 08:51

No, but then that isn't the scenario given here either is it?

Purplepixiedust · 30/05/2015 09:12

Your sister is BU.

If the girls wanted to go to pizza express and spend their money on this good for them. They had a ball. They had what they wanted from the menu. They rang Aunty to tell her and thank her. They were happy. What's the problem?

We don't know that they ate off the kids menu or took advantage of an offer. The money is likely to more than cover the girls meals but would be v unlikely to cover the whole bill. Drinks are expensive for a start. The parents would have topped up the bill.

We also don't know that the parents didn't give them the change. They could have done but not mentioned it.

If she wants some control over how the cash is spent, maybe vouchers next time?

LazyLouLou · 30/05/2015 09:25

How sad.

Two little girls chose to have a family experience and, presumably because there is no thing' that can be pointed at, "Oooh look what I bought for them" your sister has decided that she has been insulted.

And now many MNers also think that an experience, a fun night out, doesn't have the same value as a 'thing'. Conspicuous consumption is alive and well, the Joneses are being kept up with.

I am guessing there may be a different reaction if the kids had bought a family ticket to Alton Towers? You can get exciting pictures of that, nice to show off with!

TTWK · 30/05/2015 10:38

I am guessing there may be a different reaction if the kids had bought a family ticket to Alton Towers? You can get exciting pictures of that, nice to show off with!

I think it would be just the same reaction if the kids paid in full for the family ticket yet mum and dad still enjoyed the roller coasters!

Kids want to go for a pizza, fine. Kids have to pay for their own pizza out of aunt's money, a bit much but if parents can't afford it, so be it. Kids pay for parents' pizza....not on.

And what's more, the parents have saved money on their household food bill by not having to feed their family for that night, so have actually had a meal out on their kids and made money into the bargain!!!

TTWK · 30/05/2015 10:40

No, but then that isn't the scenario given here either is it?

Quite right. Not only would they have to pay for their own food round at grandparents house, but also grandparents food! Peppa pig has really missed a trick here!

LazyLouLou · 30/05/2015 10:46

So you do think that a family experience is worth less, TTWK?

I think that is really sad. I would imagine the 2 girls had a whale of a time, doing something they think of as a big adventure - starters, main and a pud would have been sheer heaven for me as a kid! Yet so many mums are posting about the, presumably skint, parents being stingy and mean.

They'd have been real scrooges if they had said no, you can't have what you have set your hearts on, just think about how people would judge us!

Pshaw!

TTWK · 30/05/2015 10:54

So you do think that a family experience is worth less, TTWK?

I fail to see how you've extrapolated that from any of my posts.

LazyLouLou · 30/05/2015 11:10

Well, you seem to be harping on about what the parents gained from the meal out. You seem to find it objectionable that they 'profited' from their kids.

You have seemingly ignored that the kids chose this and had a good time.

So I have asked, why is a family experience worth less than a 'thing'?

Breezy1985 · 30/05/2015 11:32

If my nieces did this, I'd be proud I had such kind, caring thoughtful nieces, I think it's a lovely idea

riverboat1 · 30/05/2015 12:03

I fail to see how you've extrapolated that from any of my posts

You keep saying the money paid for 'food' and liken it to them paying for normal groceries at home. Whereas in fact eating out at a restaurant is just as much about an outing and experience as it is about the food that is consumed.

You obviously think the suggestion to use the money to eat out came from the parents not the kids, because kids wouldn't think of using their gift money to chip in for the weekly shop so why would they think of using it it to go out to eat? But I think this is disingenuous and it's easy to see that kids would want to go out to a pizza restaurant and not want to go on a trip around the supermarket.

TTWK · 30/05/2015 13:06

I fully understand kids would prefer to eat out rather than traipse round a supermarket. So would most adults. If I gave my nieces money I would be happy for them to have a pizza out. Even pay for a cousin of similar age, or fiends. That's great. I just wouldn't expect my brother and his wife to use the money I gave my nieces to buy their pizza.

Really, it's not rocket surgery! It's got nothing to do with experiences v toys or any other nonsense. It's about common decency.

LazyLouLou · 30/05/2015 13:30

But does that really mean that you would feel it more the done thing for the girls to have gone without, rather than the parents copping a free meal in order to make the night out possible??

Way back when, I often gave my nephew money that he then used to go somewhere with his mum - who could not have afforded to go otherwise. Places like Flamingo World, McDonalds (not many of them in Cornwall at the time) etc.

I would have been furious if she had said he could not go but had to save his money for something else.

That too is not brain science

Binkybix · 30/05/2015 13:40

OP if you're still here, can you please settle once and for all whether or not the DCs paid for their parents' food too?!!!

LazyLouLou · 30/05/2015 13:44

I'm assuming they did, Binky. OP posted that she thinks the girls enjoyed taking their parents out for a meal, that that was part of the fun (page 1, towards the bottom).

Fairy13 · 30/05/2015 16:04

There's no way at pizza express that the girls money covered the whole bill.
At very least the parents will gave chipped in, we don't even know that they didn't give some of the money back to girls. I would think that's avtually the more likely scenario.

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