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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed this woman asked my husband to zip her dress up?

347 replies

mynameisvivienne · 17/05/2015 21:38

My friend had a house party last night for her birthday. She has a large kitchen so most of us were in there when a random woman asked my husband to zip her dress up as it was coming down at the back.

She was with friends and has never met my husband (or me) ever before.

Aibu to have been annoyed?

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 19/05/2015 18:41

There isn't much difference. They are both provocative and hostile acts, and both calculated to elicit shock and a response.

The only difference is that an aggressive woman might behave as ZipZilla did in order to antagonise a perceived rival. An aggressive man might feel free to go as far as the one in that bar in Crete, especially when in the company of like-minded aggressors.

I do not think the assault that evening was aimed at me. I was just the conduit. I didn't matter. They wanted to do something to humiliate DH who couldn't protect 'his woman' or better, provoke a ruck which would lead to him bleeding on the pavement.

The upshot is that we both felt like shit and they'd ruined our lovely evening.

And do not try and make something of me being a little woman. I was furious. He said: 'please, please leave it. I love you. But they're going to kill me.'

So I did. Because they would have.

That is what some people do. They are aggressive and seething with inadequacy. They neither care nor think about the consequences of their actions. It's all about them.

badbaldingballerina123 gets it. Another poster much earlier in this thread said that if someone behaved like ZipZilla she could expect a glassing.

No, I'd never do that. I'd back down every time but I don't apologise for feeling very angry at the fact that to keep the peace and keep out of A&E I've had to be the bigger person.

You are truly blessed if you've never come across that kind of nutter.

They are trouble.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 19/05/2015 18:43

I thought the point you were making was that no man would ever be expected to deal gracefully with something analogous to the zipper situation? But now from your following post I understand that I wasn't meant to read your post literally, that it was obviously a metaphor. I feel pretty silly!

Do you think that this was an act of sexual assault?

BluebeardsSidekick · 19/05/2015 18:54

There's something seriously fucked up with thinking there "isn't much difference" between a case of sexual assault and a situation where a woman sees her arse because another dared to ask her husband to do up a zip.

Something seriously, seriously fucked up in that thinking.

limitedperiodonly · 19/05/2015 19:08

Is that to me GoodbyeToAllOfThat ?

If I was a prosecutor I'd say the sticking of his fingers into my vagina was a sexual assault. I'd also agree on a personal basis.

However, I'd say that the act in front of DH (then boyfriend), while backed up by his jeering friends was aimed as much at DH than me.

What could we do except leave?

It's an extreme example but a true one and one that I'm very glad that most people have not experienced.

I am also very glad that they have never experienced the other things anti-social people do to provoke a response.

Lucky them. That doesn't mean to say that people don't do them and the incidents should be brushed off as if you are sophisticated and above that kind of thing in your secure relationship.

As I said. These people are trouble.

limitedperiodonly · 19/05/2015 19:11

BluebeardsSidekick In the time-honoured tradition of Mumsnet, I think this is one of those occasions where we are going to have to agree to disagree.

badbaldingballerina123 · 19/05/2015 19:12

This sort of thing has happened to both me and my husband several times , luckily nothing along the lines of hands up skirts thankfully. But I have noticed men go out of their way to piss my Dh off by being inappropriate or flirtatious. Usually it's covert and would probably be met with deniability if challenged.

I also know a woman who expresses her dislike of particular women by flirting outrageously with their husbands in front of them. If these women object they are classed as jealous or paranoid. She was only being friendly apparently and most people are so shocked they're not sure what to do.

Limited is right that people who engage in this type of behaviour are social deviants. These people will not engage in direct conflict as its not socially acceptable. This provocative flirtatious behaviour is a social put down and a covert act of hostility. The person on the receiving end either has to tolerate it , or challenge it and be accused of being jealous.

RoboticSealpup · 19/05/2015 19:12

"its you he's gone home with."

I love this argument. Don't ever worry about anything unless your other half actually leaves you to go home with someone else! God, some people are so chilled out. That must be a nice place to be. Or maybe you just have really low expectations. Wink

I'm definitely not chilled by any means, but when a woman in a club licked my DH's face a few years ago, I didn't get angry (can't blame her, he's delicious). She probably thought he was by himself, as I was standing at the bar. If she had done it in front of me I think I might have pushed her, however. Big difference!

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 19/05/2015 19:31

Yes Limited I would agree that a stranger touching your vagina is assault, what I disagree with is that a woman asking a man to zip her dress is the same or even in the same ballpark.

Licking someone is also quite different from the infraction in question.

StickEm · 19/05/2015 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApplesTheHare · 19/05/2015 19:46

This is the most ridiculous, overblown thing I've ever seen on Mumsnet. Ever. Seriously. A zip??? Shock

Who cares about a zip? OP says herself that poor, shoddy-zip-owning woman didn't know either of them, so logically wouldn't necessarily even know they were married. I would think it was an act of kindness if DH did up someone's zip for them, and likewise would ask a random to do my zip up if I couldn't reach. I cannot believe people are comparing this situation with assault and otherwise.

Original poster
mynameisvivienne · 19/05/2015 19:50

Sorry for my lack of response, unfortunately I've been in training this week and therefore for security reasons I am not allowed access to my phone at work .... and I also didn't think this thread would still be going...

My husbands response was that he zipped her dress up ... which I kind of think is a normal reaction. If someone asks you for help then you'll probably do it.
He just seemed Confused

I also don't know how many paces she was in relation to him and her friends. I never occurred to me to ask everyone to stand still whilst I measured .... all I can say is she went out of her way to ask my husband. He wasn't stood right behind her.

I also never implied to the poster that said "not everyone wants to bed your dh" that I never came to that conclustion. She might have been doing it as a dare for all I know.

But I think dare or serious I don't think it's on.

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 19/05/2015 19:51

I would agree that a stranger touching your vagina is assault, what I disagree with is that a woman asking a man to zip her dress is the same or even in the same ballpark.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat I don't agree. I think both are provocative acts. Obviously the vagina-touching is more serious.

But the intention is the same. It's an aggressive act intended to provoke shock and anger.

I find it strange and rather patronising that people do not understand that women are capable of aggressive acts.

We are.

limitedperiodonly · 19/05/2015 19:55

This is the most ridiculous, overblown thing I've ever seen on Mumsnet. Ever. Seriously. A zip???

Well thank goodness for you and your common sense ApplesTheHare

Oh my beeper is going off on the oven now.

Byeee!

ItsACracker · 19/05/2015 19:57

I reckon that the OP is concerned that her DH might get ideas and start asking random women at parties to fiddle around with his zip...

Original poster
mynameisvivienne · 19/05/2015 19:59

I also found it funny that this was said on Sunday evening

Unless there's a something you're going to drip feed (do it quick, you're losing your audience), then take it on the chin, OP.

It's no Tuesday evening and no drip feed has been made and it's still going..

OP posts:
Original poster
mynameisvivienne · 19/05/2015 20:01

I reckon that the OP is concerned that her DH might get ideas and start asking random women at parties to fiddle around with his zip...

Wow Cracker you cracked it!

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 19/05/2015 21:12

Quite amazing what you can get away with if you frame it well. 'I just needed help with my zip! I wasn't coming on to your husband right in front of you!' Clearly, some people would buy that argument.

Gabilan · 19/05/2015 21:13

"I would agree that a stranger touching your vagina is assault, what I disagree with is that a woman asking a man to zip her dress is the same or even in the same ballpark. "

I'm with you on this one Goodbye. Touching someone's vagina without permission is a clear case of sexual assault. Asking someone to do up your zip could either be flirting or asking someone for a favour. Either way, anyone asking should probably bear in mind that it can certainly be seen as flirtatious. If someone doubts the difference, see what happens when you report either case to the police.

Whilst I can understand annoyance at someone flirting with your husband I find the idea that it's an act of aggression in the manner of sexual assault odd in many, many ways. It also seems to me to be a very bleak outlook on life. Yes, there are people out there who consider women's bodies to be public property and they are despicable. But it's a miserable old world if you can't look at someone flirting inappropriately and think "meh, you're not important to me, and you're not going to get anywhere."

Original poster
mynameisvivienne · 19/05/2015 21:22

Whilst I can understand annoyance at someone flirting with your husband I find the idea that it's an act of aggression in the manner of sexual assault odd in many, many ways. It also seems to me to be a very bleak outlook on life.

Sounds like that is directly at me. If not then fine but I never said she was agressive and I never said my husband was sexually assaulted.

OP posts:
GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 19/05/2015 21:32

Sounds like that is directly at me. If not then fine but I never said she was agressive and I never said my husband was sexually assaulted.

vivienne it seems your relatively measured dissent on zippergate has been coopted by limitedperiodonly, who has likened the whole affair to sexual assault.

Gabilan · 19/05/2015 21:34

Hi Vivienne. No, that wasn't directed at you at all but relates to an exchange between Limitedperiodonly and GoodbyeToAllOfThat.

Given how patient you've been on here, FWIW I think if you were rattled by this woman she probably was out of order. But as the saying goes, don't let them live rent free in your head.

Eigg · 19/05/2015 21:44

^Vivienne* should given the Mumsnet award of the month for staying calm and collected in the face of some truly astonishing posts.

OP you are an example to all.

Roseforarose · 19/05/2015 22:00

Now that you're back with us Vivienne please could you tell us what your DH thought about zip gate.

Roseforarose · 19/05/2015 22:01

Oops sorry, just seen your post about DHs response.

DadDadDad · 19/05/2015 22:10

Rose - do you really think that the OP has answered the question "what does your DH think about this?" She's told us what his response at the time was, ie that he zipped and looked a bit bemused, but we've still no idea whether on reflection, he thinks it's a big deal.