to be miffed at nursery?

[mrsnlw2012]

Following on from an earlier thread where DS' keyworker will be swapping rooms with a worker from the toddelr room (who will become his keyworker) she had her first day in the baby room with him yesterday. When I usually call to see how he's getting on I'm told how he is, what he's been upto/ate/drank/slept etc and feel really happy with that. I called yesterday and the new keyworker answered and just said "yep, he's fine" and didnt divulge anything else. I was a bit taken aback and just finished the call. Afterwards I thought "No, I want to know how he is (and book his parents evening)" so I called back to one of the usual workers answered and I got the usual update as to how he had been.

I thought maybe she was just busy and brushed it off. I got home last night and mentioned it it DH who wasn't impressed. He said when he got there, the keyworker was changing DS and handed DS back to DH without any trousers on and handed him the trousers too so DH had to struggle to put them on in the nursery room. Previously when DS had been in the middle of being changed when DH arrives, the keyworker/other workers would dress him fully.

AIBU that Im not happy with this sudden change? Should we just see how it goes or mention something?

Spoke too soon, sorry

It doesn't make you a failure any more than having the flu would.

It's an illness that you need to get treatment for so you feel better and there's no shame in that.

Royal have you read the ops update? She's clearly going through something and doesn't need a further kicking.
Mrs please don't be scared, you are not a failure for having depression or needing support in being a parent. You need to go to your doctor and explain all this.

I need to stop commenting on threads without reading the whole thing. I'm really sorry.

OP - well done for coming back.

I have no personal experience of depression, but dh was really well supported by our local GP - I hope you have that support? PND is presumably just an extension of the underlying condition?

As for the nursery - I guess you now have to get to know the new keyworker. And grow to trust her enough so that a response saying "He's fine" can be taken at face value.

Parenting isn't easy - we all make different decisions and mistakes. Having a little perspective is really important now and going forward: don't sweat the small stuff as there will be big things along to worry about soon enough.

Good on you for coming back, OP. It can't have been easy to write the post you did.

You aren't the first to feel or react like this, so don't worry. When my DS was very small, I once had to call several call centres to apologise for being rude to their staff, as I was at breaking point with everything and had reacted badly to being called - not their fault at all. I know how it is when you hang up (log off, whatever) from something, look back, and think - that isn't me.

I hope you get the help you need.

I have to say, I'd be pissed off if the staff in the nursery that I pay a fortune to every month spent half the afternoon to mums and dads on the phone. I picked this nursery because the staff were highly qualified, evidently have a passion for what they do, and I felt they gave 100% attention to their charges, that they interact and play with them in the correct ratios of children:staff.

I can understand calling if they are under the weather, unsettled or going through a fussy phase but I feel that a daily update when likely you get that at pick-up time as well, is excessive.

But I've been where you are - where my baby went from one room and keyworker he adored to the next where I had clingyness and tantrums at drop off and neither of us were quite happy with the keyworker there. It is upsetting to go to work when you left your baby wailing behind you.

I wonder if the lack of detail on the call was simply a new keyworker trying to get to know her classroom - it takes a while to get all the names and parents straight in your head I'm sure. She's only been doing it for a few days so her hesitation might have been trying to place your son, and rack her brain on the spot to see if there was any issues that she was worried she wasn't aware of?

Op, you need to take time for yourself to address your issues. Never be scared to speak about your feelings. Be kind to yourself

I think when you hand your child over to any 3rd party childcare situation - childminder, grandparent or nursery - you experience feelings both of guilt and loss of control. I know I used to find it really strange hearing my childminder tell me of all these places ds had been to without me and people he had met that I never would. But you get used to that situation - then it changes again (new keyworker, new nursery room etc) and the feelings come back. To the nursery and to your ds this is a situation they are used to - but you are not part of it - and that is really hard. I think you have been lucky in having a nursery that has welcomed daily phone calls and provided detailed updates and you are only now coming up against what is more normal - and it is really hard to deal with. You need to look at your ds - if he is happy and you are happy with the nursery you need to start trusting them more. It is really difficult though.

OP, sending you some . I too suffer with some anxiety about separation from my children, it's very hard to take an objective look at ones own behaviour. Well done for doing that. Calling nursery every day is unusual and excessive, but you can cut down slowly. Good luck with getting your depression treated.

Yabu on both counts. Not read whole thread so may have been covered but most nurseries have a book to record childs day so calling is unnecessary. Plus I was alwsys told that once you arrive for pick up your child is your responsibility.
Most parents give a shit about their child but don't waste the keyworkers time phoning every day.

mrsnlw2012 you are not a failure! You are, by the sounds of it, anxious and worried and depressed.

Post natal depression is, as you know, very real and very common. After the birth of my first child I was anxious and panicky about everything. Absolutely everything. I wasn't feeling 'depressed' though, hyper vigilant would be a better description, so it never occurred to me to say to my GP 'I think I might have PND'. Anyway, after about three years of this, and everything spriralling out of control, my GP got to the bottom of it and I was able to get treatment and get my life back on track.

Don't be afraid to seek help, and don't feel like you are a failure for needing to.

Apologies op. Not read update.

Mrsnlw - huge kudos to you for coming back on and saying what you have.

Ringing your keyworker every day - do you clock watch before you ring? Does ringing and getting a positive response alleviate your anxiety in anyway?

Some nurseries allow children to log in and see their children on the camera. Something like that MIGHT be beneficial to you. But only if it you don't think you would spend too much time checking your child.

It's normal to be anxious about your separation when your child first starts at nursery, but at some point this would usually fade. As it hasn't, your anxiety really needs to be addressed. Living like this must be a torment for you.

Springtime I am just worried about the assumtpion and whatchamacallit that people have of those with pnd. Those 3 little letters are so damaging.

Cider Nail non the head. I even make myself wait until after lunch, or as late as I can possible bare it. I then message DH when I know he has collected DS too to see how DS and he are. It does alleviate it.

I am becoming unbearable even to myself.

On not non

It does seem like this ringing every day is making it worse not better for you. Is there any way you can turn it round in your head so it is a positive that you haven't heard anything? My nursery would (annoyingly if anything!) ring if there was anything even slightly wrong with the kids. They really do not want to take any risks at all. It is totally safe to assume that things are OK if you haven't heard from them.

Firstly, mrsnlw, like all the most recent posters I commend you for your courage in coming back. It must've been hard, because pretty-much apart from Clumsy, everyone was in agreement against you.
And here are some from me for you too. And, as others have said, do please get medical help and support for yourself.

And I also commend MN posters to changing their tone when OP came back too. Reading these 9 pages, I've been aghast, amused, entertained and finally humbled.

When my dd went to nursery I was very anxious too. And nursery definitely indulged me in that, because they recognized how anxious I was. I did learn to trust them and step back eventually.

But what you say about thinking about him every second when he's not with you - yes, I recognize that. I was like that too. And if she'd had a bad morning or cried when I left, I was buggered for the whole day until I picked her up again. I do think that's REALLY common, though.

As your DS gets older, though, you will be expected to step back more and more (esp when he goes to school, esp if that's a state school). So I would advise you to try and practice doing that sooner rather than later, or it's going to be a massive shock for you.

I don't mean this to sound harsh, especially if you're low. So sorry if this is inappropriate for someone with depression and/or PND - if that is what you have. But I think part of parenting is to recognise what is 'our' stuff and what is 'theirs' and to react accordingly. I.E. is your DS showing anxiety with his change of KW? Is he more cry-y? Disturbed sleep? More cling-y? If he's still reacting normally, you might consider it being your issue/worry/concern and chill a little bit. I think this comes up for parents all the time. We feel "slights" at our DC which they don't even notice. Or we make or refuse social plans for them based on our agendas or needs. For me, part of being a better parent is learning to recognize what is important to my DD and what's only important to me.

I wish you all the best, and I really, really admire you for coming back after pages and pages and pages of posts to fight your corner.

I think I shall maybe try and manage it. DS is with my Mum today and Ive barely even picked up my mobile (usually get frequent whatsapps from her) because of the thought that this post has given me.

Good for you, coming back and realising you were a bit unpleasant.

It may well be part of pnd. I hope you are getting support, perhaps a visit to gp may be needed.

If you are happy with the nursery, your angst serms outside realms of normal.

Hope you can get help,for the anxiety and aggression. Good luck

For you OP, I hope you can find some help xx

What's the problem with phoning the nursery. If your worried about how your child is a quick call to get some reassurance is fine. It shouldn't be a big deal to the nursery and saying "he's fine" isn't a sufficient answer imo.