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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

483 replies

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 11:55

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OP posts:
Heels99 · 12/05/2015 11:57

Why are you being silent but contemptuous? What will that achieve? It allows her to continue behaving like this.

AugustaGloop · 12/05/2015 11:59

What did she do today?

flora717 · 12/05/2015 12:01

Silence all along would be best. You have no need to get involved in any conversation about her or between your H and the ex.
Obviously i have no idea what she has done today. If it's gossip, ignore it, if it's lies say so. If it's harrassment report it, if it's criminal report it.

RightSideOfWrong · 12/05/2015 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RightSideOfWrong · 12/05/2015 12:02

Ahem, I think I misread the first post. Sorry. I've reported myself Blush

SaucyJack · 12/05/2015 12:03

Did he actively leave her for you?

RebootYourEngine · 12/05/2015 12:05

If they were already broken up before u got together then u arent the other woman.

However if u knew he had a wife & ds but still actively chased him then u are & always will be the other woman, yes exhs new wife i am talking about you.

Fleecyleesy · 12/05/2015 12:08

Probably part of it is that they have a shared child so it's not like complete closure.

Although you did not start seeing him until he was separated, you very likely were part of the plans he was mentally making when exiting the marriage so from the ex wife's perspective she was "competing" (sorry can't think of a better word) against you for him. Plus leaving when she was pregnant/had a baby would have been hard for her regardless of the circumstances.

I'd just tell anyone who is skirting around the subject that you started seeing him after he separated from her.

TarkaTheOtter · 12/05/2015 12:08

Lots of what you say is true. And you don't deserve to be treated badly.

But, realistically how long was it between them separating and you getting together? Did he leave to be with you? If yes then, sorry but I think you will always be the OW.

Sallystyle · 12/05/2015 12:08

YANBU

They split up nearly 10 years ago? whatever the circumstances you would hope that she would have moved on by now, at least enough to leave you alone.

If this has just happened I would have a bit more sympathy for her, but they split up nearly 10 years ago?

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 12/05/2015 12:55

So they split up and she got pregnant? That's a bit confusing.

Look from her pov of course in his head he had you in his future plans. Of course he did whether you slept together or not before they split.

That's why she's bitter. She lost and you won.

Still it's a while ago now. I agree with Flora and what is your dhs opinion on this debarcle.

Maybe instead of watching 2 women fighting over him he should help a little?

Tizwailor · 12/05/2015 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotYouNaanBread · 12/05/2015 13:03

What did she do today? If she is harassing you, you can and should report it to the police, especially if this is a sustained campaign over a number of years.

Otherwise, silence is your only option, but I wonder why you don't mention your husband in this? What has he got to say for himself? Did he actually leave her for you? You said you dated AFTER his separation, but when you first met him, were you romantically/sexually involved?

There is a big difference between an ex-wife being upset that her ex met somebody after they separated, and an ex-wife being upset that her ex was having sex with somebody else while they are still together, and is now happily married to that person right on her doorstep.

Either way, she would be better off behaving with dignity, but it would go some way to explaining her attitude.

Quitelikely · 12/05/2015 13:10

Let her be. How many times can she tell the story.

There is not much you can do about it except be happy. Being happy is the thing that will get her more than anything.

Original poster
OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 13:19

She reported my marriage as a marriage of convenience to home office. I have never been on a spousal visa throughout my time here in the UK.
They came around this morning to "investigate" even though they know that I came back to the UK on a intra company work permit and I now have an indefinite leave to remain here and have been for some time with no desire to acquire the UK passport.

Even if our getting together pushed him to divorce, I am still not to blame. Why would you ignore fundamental problems you have and choose what you wrongly think will be an easy target.

I know it is not the done thing on MN to say what you really think. But I think nothing of her, she is narrow minded and the kind who wakes up drops of her son(when he is with her),school gate gossip, gym, coffee, tan and blow dry her hair. I still do not know how the man I married to could have anything in common enough to pursue a relationship with her!

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 13:33

Wow, after 10 years that is extremely spiteful.

Not sure why you identify with being OW unless he left her with a view of being with you.

hedgehogsdontbite · 12/05/2015 13:33

Even if our getting together pushed him to divorce, I am still not to blame. Why would you ignore fundamental problems you have and choose what you wrongly think will be an easy target.

Because those fundamental problems can't be fixed if your spouse starts shagging someone else.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 13:35

OP, were you and your DH romantically/sexually involved while he was still married?

Tizwailor · 12/05/2015 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 12/05/2015 13:40

So if you started dating a separated man you become the reason for a divorce?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 12/05/2015 13:41

Because those fundamental problems can't be fixed if your spouse starts shagging someone else.
This

Theycallmemellowjello · 12/05/2015 13:42

Tbh, I think that someone is far less likely to get divorced if they have another 'option'. BUT I completely agree that that doesn't make it the new partner's fault. If you're single you don't have to nobly refuse to date anyone who is separated just because if you didn't date them they might get back together with their previous partner.

Bonsoir · 12/05/2015 13:42

It sounds as if your DH's exW is harassing you. I have no idea how one goes about preventing this in England (in France it is easy to report harassment to the police) but you need to think of adopting legal ways of protecting yourself as the exW sounds quite unhinged and potentially dangerous.

fuzzywuzzy · 12/05/2015 13:43

Have you posted about your Hs ex before? You & DH don't live together and you've never met his family?

Sorry if I'm wrong your posting style is very similar.

ivykaty44 · 12/05/2015 13:44

I don't think so...