To think even the term OW has an expiry date

[OWisaFeminsta]

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OWisaFeminsta
Your partners relationship with his ex wife was over as they had seperated even though they had not yet divorced.
You bringing her political views in to this is stupid, you shouldn't do that.
She obviously blames you, in my opinion she is wrong to blame you.
She is so fucking unreasonable to lie about you to the government.

I would...
Avoid her like the plague and get a legal opinion asap even if its only as a last case option.
You didn't do anything wrong and I think a lot of people in this thread will consider you the OW jo matter what you say or what actually happened.

just possible, or possible that's just what he told OP, and had the Ex believing a whole different story.

"Even if we dated while they were married, I still do not think it justifies being called an other woman. It is insulting and absolves couples from the real problems"

But in this example ^ the other woman was exactly what you would be? And would be one of the nicer terms I used for you if I was the ExW?

Obviously her actions are ridiculous and you are right to get legal advice regarding the harassment but she found out she was pregnant while separated from her husband, who then agreed to try again only to leave her with a newborn (ok 6mo..)- surely you can see why she might not be a big fan of yours?

So how long after the separation did you get together then?

Indeed Timri The man in the middle could have spun two completely different stories.

OP why are you being so disingenuous with your answers?

The reason she sees you as the OW is because you were the OW. Seems simple enough to me

Or the ex doesn't buy the story that three months after meeting OP he leaves his wife, they get together, yet nothing happened with them before this point.

Just own it. You were to all intents and purposes the OW. And in villages people remember these things - especially if she grew up there - her friends who are I'm guessing some of the schoolgate mums are going to be loyal to her.

Just ignore her and report her if she is harassing you. Although am surprised you were told the name of who reported you to be honest.

never been in this situation from either side (and hope never to be) but I would say that if one partner in a marriage is shagging someone else, it is fairly pointless worrying about fixing the marriage anyway.

I don't believe that men or women can be lured away by a temptress of either gender. Someone in a happy marriage won't be tempted.

the ex-wife seems to have wasted 10 years on something that will never change.

Add message | Report | Message poster TwinkieTwinkle Tue 12-May-15 14:12:08
Actually justonemoretime:

Baby was born. I met him when he was about 3 months. They separated when he was about 6 months and their divorce was finalised about 2 years later.

So she was shagging seeing him for three months before he left his wife and it started when their child was three months old. If I was the ex, I would be referring to you as the other woman as much as I wanted. Probably because it would be one of the more polite names.

She met DP when the baby was 3 months old, she has stated that they knew each other before they started the relationship.
Are you trying to leave out what OP has said?

N, I cross posted. And to be fair, the OP isn't exactly being forthcoming and open with her answers. It's very easy to make mistakes with the tiny tidbits of information she is scattering around and not clarifying.

Sorry, can somebody state exactly what the OP did to categorise her as an OW? I can't see it from her posts.

To be honest, none of you come out of this smelling of roses. But I do have some sympathy for your dps ex wife, although not excusing what she did today.

You, however, seem to have knowingly got involved in a situation that was extremely messy and emotive, with a very small child involved, and seem to feel aggrieved that you weren't handed a nice clean slate with no baggage to deal with.

YADNBU

All in all, she hasn't pulled a stunt like this in a long time. I was shocked but not surprised.

We have been married for a long time, I point blank refuse to be termed an other woman when I was not. What I can't get passed is why does she ignore all other problems they had. I don't get her, I've tried

To me it sounds like she was seeing him in some way from when the baby was 3 months old and then the man left his wife when baby was 6 months old.

Who knows if they were shagging or not but I reckon it would probably be deemed an inappropriate relationship if they were then officially together very shortly afterwards.

To be honest I think affairs happen and people aren't necessarily evil if they have one. But if you do have one then own it and accept you will have caused hurt and upset that doesn't always go away quickly. Especially if you live in a place where people have long memories.

How long after they separated did you and he get together?

You were the other woman.

You sound very spiteful, maybe because first wife hates you.

So they separated, still having sex, got pregnant, reconciled, counselling. That's not the end of a relationship necessarily. What is so awful about counselling? That they were trying to make it work? What is you have a rough patch and go to counselling? Fair game for someone else to meet your DH and wait in the wings in case he leaves you? I don't think so.

You 'met' him when baby 3 months and he left her when baby 6 months. Probably knowing he was going to you. IMO you are tangled up in the end of their relationship.

So now you wish she'd get over it, stop gossiping, not report you about the visa. I agree she should move on.

Because it is easy for her to blame you rather than examine what role she may have played in her relationship breakdown.

Just rise above it.

So you know all about all the problems they had, but only through a third party, because you refuse to speak to your husband about her.

Mmmm hmmm

Why waste energy hating her.

Deal with the harassment. Her being quiet for a while probably lulled you into a bit of false sense of security - well know you know better.

Being left with a three month baby can't have been easy for her. You have no idea how she viewed their relationship at that time. You don't get to tell people how they should feel or view situations. Her view clearly differs from your view of 10 years ago. That is really a right and wrong situation but a matter of perception.

Being cheater on leaves people feeling very hurt, facing practical problems such as financial - so anger from her shouldn't be surprising.

However ten years on for her to be in the same emotional place surely requires pity not hate.

I know people who have been cheated on with young DC in the mix or broken up and rapidly replaced - and they've been utterly devastated. 10 years on - they may argue amount access and money for the DC but they aren't in the emotional hating mode or pulling stunts like this.

are people actually reading the op's posts? she and her h didn't get together until the h had left his ex. an ex he had only got back together with because she found out she was pregnant after they had separated.

And yes of course she was with him while he was married because the divorce wasn't finalised for two years even though they were separated, or does that not count any more? Should one hold true to one's marriage vows even if you are separated? Perhaps someone should go and tell that to the women on relationships who are being encouraged to date after their husbands have left them, they're still married after all.

The man would presumably never have got back together with the wife had he not found out she was pregnant, a baby does not a marriage make, and neither is it a crime to leave a dead marriage even if there are small children involved.

Did he leave her for you then? You say nothing happened, but if you were together from the time they separated, something had to be on the cards.

Maybe she canvasses for UKip because something an immigrant has done in the past has hurt her so much that it's clouding her judgment.

Thank you wannabe. Though I was losing the plot there.

It's completely normal for separated people to date.