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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

483 replies

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 11:55

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OP posts:
Original poster
OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 14:33

The home office did not disclose a name. We knew it was her and she did not exactly deny it.

The length and strength of my marriage is more important than how and when we started dating. We dated soon after their separation.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 12/05/2015 14:33

How do you know it was her that reported you?

Tizwailor · 12/05/2015 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soontobemumofthree · 12/05/2015 14:35

answering your OP
Yes I think there is time limit on being the OW and you are now past it.

AIBU
Yes
No
Yes
No
Why not try just to be silent

Original poster
OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 14:36

The report has no basis. Most people who know me, know I came back to the UK on a work permit. It can only be her and I suspect it is because she is now single and does not have much to do

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 12/05/2015 14:36

People have their version if history. Officially dating after he left but fooling around (doesn't have to be sexual) before he left.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 14:36

So she hasnt done anything in a while and then suddenly she reports you to authorities?

I'd have thought if she wanted to do that, she'd have done it not long after you married.

Original poster
OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 14:38

I'd have thought if she wanted to do that, she'd have done it not long after you married I would have thought so and I was prepared for that then. I just think this is another of her stunts.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 12/05/2015 14:38

I’m sorry if people have been hurt but many posters are being completely unfair to the OP. She’s said several times that she got together with her DP after he split from exW. Yes, it’s true that it happened very shortly after. But that doesn’t put her in the wrong. Even if he did leave the exw for her, that means she must have said something like, I won’t date you unless you’re single. That’s not being the ow, that’s refusing to be an ow! From the point of an ultimatum like that, the ball’s in the man’s court. He can choose to go back and try to make his marriage work, or he can choose to end it. It’s not the OP’s choice. The OP might have been a factor in the exH’s decision, but ultimately it was his decision and his alone. I agree with the pp who said there’s a lot of woman-hating here.

mynewpassion · 12/05/2015 14:40

If she wasn't the OW, why class herself as such in the title? I would not lay claim to it. Because she viewed herself at the time the other woman. She doesn't now.

the public is generous and eventually the OW title disappears. For the ex wife , likely never even if she did move onto a happier relationship.

TwinkieTwinkle · 12/05/2015 14:40

The length and strength of my marriage is more important than how and when we started dating. We dated soon after their separation.

For goodness sake! You were clearly involved emotionally or sexually before their actual separation or you wouldn't come out with absolute blinders like this! You sound ridiculous. A bigger person would hold their hands up and admit to mistakes but you just seem determined to be a victim.

Original poster
OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 14:40

I made it clear to him, I will only date him if he is single. But I guess I am still an other woman.

OP posts:
elbowsdontsing2 · 12/05/2015 14:41

id love to hear the ex wifes version of events

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 12/05/2015 14:41

Think about it from her perspective for a moment, OP. Your marriage isn't in fantastic shape but you're both working on it. Husband makes a new friend. 3 months later, husband has left you and is in a new relationship with his 'new friend'.

Would you assume it was all a big coinkydink?

SaucyJack · 12/05/2015 14:42

Big girl panties time now OP Smile

Timri · 12/05/2015 14:43

So there was obviously at least an emotional affair happening, otherwise you wouldn't need to say I won't be 'involved' unless you're single...
And as I said earlier, it's entirely plausible that he spun you both different lines.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 12/05/2015 14:43

I made it clear to him, I will only date him if he is single. But I guess I am still an other woman.

There we go. So he left her for you. You were the OW.

Obviously, if she's behind this latest stunt, she's clearly in need of some help. And I do hope you manage to sort that and keep yourself safe from her. But I doubt you will ever be blameless in her eyes and I don't blame her at all for that, personally.

Original poster
OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 14:43

osten if he cheated on me, I'll lay the blame at his feet.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 12/05/2015 14:44

It doesn’t have to have been a coincidence – presumably the exH DID leave his wife for the OP. BUT that doesn’t make it the OP’s fault. It’s the exH’s decision. It really depresses me that there are so many women who see men as these big innocent children ready to be ensnared by evil lady temptresses. If the OP said she would only date him if he was single, she did the right thing.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 12/05/2015 14:45

she hates you, and if she still hates you after 10 years its celarly not abating

I think a tougher stance is needed to be frank- some good advice here but maybe something legal based on this recent event- a non harassment order maybe

I feel sorry for her though, she clearly has not gotton left over being left with a 3-month baby- you would hope that life would have moved on for her really Sad

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 12/05/2015 14:46

It's easier to blame someone else than look at your own behaviour, so of course she wants to lay it all on you. That she is still holding onto this hurt (whether it was ever justified or not) is ultimately more damaging to her than it is to you.

soontobemumofthree · 12/05/2015 14:47

that clarifies things then! You said you wouldn't date him unless he left, so he left his marriage.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 12/05/2015 14:47

There seem to be a lot of very unhappy women on MN whose marriages/partnerships broke down because their husband/partner had an affair. They can't get at him, they can't get at the woman he had an affair with, but they can have a go at anybody else who they can classify as an OW, even in a case like this. It's very sad to read, as there is so much bitterness and unresolved misery on show in threads like this. There's also no acknowledgement at all that human relationships don't break down easily into black/white, good/bad, right/wrong. It's not always clear cut at all who's wrong and who's right and even when it is the balance can change as time goes on.

The timeline here seems to be:

OP's husband and first wife have difficulties, separate; she finds out she's pregnant, they get back together. They have counselling, the baby (their first child) is born, the difficulties are not really resolved.

OP meets husband when baby is 3 months old - I'm guessing through work. They get on well but that's all there is to the relationship at this point.

When baby is 6 months old, the man leaves his wife. Shortly afterwards, he and the OP get together. Two years after that he gets a divorce (presumably on grounds of separation - indicating possibly that the first wife was unable to say the marriage failed because of adultery). He and OP then marry and have children.

It's now ten years on since he left. Whether the relationship with OP lasts or not, I'm guessing it's lasted a lot longer than the first marriage.

Does all of this make the OP an OW? I would say no, and after all this time the first wife should really have let it go. The marriage is over. She is doing herself and her child no good at all by storing up all this hate.

monkeymamma · 12/05/2015 14:48

Good grief - whatever the ins and outs of what happened (and it does sound like there was a bit of a grey area tbh) it was TEN YEARS ago! And her behaviour is harassment IMO. Your dh needs to have serious words, explain kindly he understands she's hurt but for the good of their son she needs to rein it in before something happens that she can't come back from easily.

And it's not easy, but you can set the tone here and by not hating her, make it possible for her to one day not hate you. Try to pity her instead and be kind - she doesn't sound too stable - and treat her the way you'd want a parent of one of your bio children to be treated (after all she is the mum of your dss)

MorrisZapp · 12/05/2015 14:48

The OP refused to date a married man. He then chose to become single, as per 100% of the advice given here to people contemplating infidelity.

Yet still OP is branded OW? On what grounds?