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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

483 replies

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 11:55

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OP posts:

Timri · 12/05/2015 14:06

I take it back, she canvasses for UKIP so of course you should break up her marriage!

TwinkieTwinkle · 12/05/2015 14:06

What has UKIP got to do with anything? Sounds like you are just using mn trigger words to try and get people onside. Did you have sex with him when they were still together? You might not think it matters but to the vast majority of people, it does.

Momagain1 · 12/05/2015 14:06

There is a time limit when someone has to accept their marriage was shit, and likely to break up whether or not there was OW/M. Even if the leaving partner didnt leave until a new spot was waiting, it is very unlikely the marriage was going to extend into their pensioner years. It is the X that was a shit, every time. The O may also be, but all that really matters is: X was.

Likewise, there comes a time when it has to be admitted that the X and Other are evidently a good couple and lasting relationship. When the Other has to be acknowledged as a partner, not a passing opportunity.

i expect his Xwife was waiting for your marriage to fail as well, partly as vengence to you (you lose just like she did) and partly to prove what an impossible partner her X is. Now that hasnt happened, she is wallowing in the past. She still cant admit she was in a doomed marriage and had, evidently, made mistakes. She needs a friend to tell her to get on with her life, and stop focussing on what was, what might have been and what isnt.

ThisTimeIAmMagic · 12/05/2015 14:07

X posted. For 3 months you were the OW. They split leaving her a lone parent. Of course she hates you. That doesn't mean that she can behave like a loon but I would hate you too in her shoes.

justonemoretime2p · 12/05/2015 14:07

I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

They didn't date until after he seperated with his x wife while waiting for a divorce.

The time between a separation and the divorce must be hard but if they have agreed the marriage is over I don't think DH or OP did anything wrong.

theaftermath · 12/05/2015 14:08

The OW is only the OW while she is the OTHER WOMAN.

After time as wannbe said, she just becomes the partner.

I had an affair so I guess I would say that. I think exes who still refer to their ex's partner as OW some time after a separation are just stopping themselves from moving on.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 12/05/2015 14:09

So ok, you met him when their baby was three months old, and no more than three months later they were separated and you two were in a relationship?

That'll be why she's furious, then. Crikey.

Good luck to you.

Timri · 12/05/2015 14:09

Not while waiting for a divorce, he didn't file for divorce until after

KurriKurri · 12/05/2015 14:09

'I hate myself for marrying a man with an ex that canvasses for the UKIP!'

Seriously - listen to yourself, you are losing the plot, why on earth are you allowing this woman to take up so much of your emotional energy? You hate yourself - WTF the fuck does in matter to you who she votes for, why on earth do you care ???? You hate her, - You seem obsessed with her. Are you worried that your husband still harbours feelings for her or something? - I can't think of any other reason why you might be so utterly paranoid and writing such vitriolic things - you don't sound like a woman in command of her emotions at all.

As I've said if she is spreading lies, they will be easy to disprove - she will get into trouble for wasting everyone's time and harrassing you, stop being hysterical, get grip and sort the situation out sensibly.

justonemoretime2p · 12/05/2015 14:10

She has explained clearly in her OP that her relationship didn't start until the previous one ended, they just didn't immediately get divorced.

YourKidsYourRulesHunXxx · 12/05/2015 14:10

He was sleeping around when his baby was 3mo? What. A. Catch.

You can stop polishing your halo, too.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 14:10

Just Just because they werent dating until after doesnt mean something didnt happen before hand. OP's dodging of the question suggests something did.

AnyFucker · 12/05/2015 14:10

wow, this thread looks like it could be one that keeps on giving....

Original poster

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 14:10

justone you have the timeline correct.

I don't see why I have to spell it out that I did not have an affair with him. We started seeing one another once he was separated the second time.

Even if we dated while they were married, I still do not think it justifies being called an other woman. It is insulting and absolves couples from the real problems. She lived in a false bubble, they broke up and claimed that she was "shocked" when he sought separation. Oh please!

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 12/05/2015 14:11

This thread is bizarre. The OP has said that she got together with her partner when he was separated from his wife.

Separated - no longer in a relationship.

Really, are women now supposed to wait until a decree absolute is issued before being allowed near men whose relationships have broken down?

And blaming OP for believing her DP was heading for divorce already - why wouldn't she believe her DP? Are we meant to phone up our boyfriend's exes now to satisfy ourselves that the adult men we wish to date are no longer entangled elsewhere? It sounds like asking mummy for a permission slip.

This is the usual woman hating guff that thrives even in the modern era. Women getting blamed for men's sexual choices. It's corrosive and misogynistic in my view.

justonemoretime2p · 12/05/2015 14:11

Add message | Report | Message poster Timri Tue 12-May-15 14:09:37
Not while waiting for a divorce, he didn't file for divorce until after

I see that now you are right, but the relationship was over.

SaucyJack · 12/05/2015 14:11

Yes, she's explained that their relationship started after he left his wife.

But what she won't explain is whether or not he left his wife to start that relationship.

TwinkieTwinkle · 12/05/2015 14:12

Actually justonemoretime:

Baby was born. I met him when he was about 3 months. They separated when he was about 6 months and their divorce was finalised about 2 years later.

So she was shagging seeing him for three months before he left his wife and it started when their child was three months old. If I was the ex, I would be referring to you as the other woman as much as I wanted. Probably because it would be one of the more polite names.

ThisTimeIAmMagic · 12/05/2015 14:13

So he left her with a six month baby? And ran straight into your arms? If so that's why she hates you.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 12/05/2015 14:13

It doesn't absolve the couple of anything really, does it. He's still a shit for cheating. They obviously had problems.

I don't see why the married woman should have to remain objective and fair-minded about the woman her husband has been boning on the side. You'd have to be a very rare sort of person to manage that.

Timri · 12/05/2015 14:14

If the first time they split, they got back together when she fell pregnant, doesn't that indicate they were still sleeping together?
Stands to reason that might have been the case the second time as well.
That's my train of thought...

WeirdCatLady · 12/05/2015 14:15

So you admit to dating a married man who was supposedly working on his marriage and had a 3month old baby?

Classy.

By any definition you were the OW. She will always see you as the OW because that is exactly what you were.

Her political leanings have nothing to do it and frankly, your comments merely make YOU look worse, not her.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 12/05/2015 14:17

But what she won't explain is whether or not he left his wife to start that relationship.

Indeed.

theaftermath · 12/05/2015 14:17

Weirdcatlady....

"She will always see you as the OW because that's what you were".

Your sentence sums it up perfectly. She WAS the OW (although i appreciate the discussion about dates.) But she isn't now.

Obviously entirely up to his ex how she sees her but I don't see the point in blaming the OW for everything. Her DH chose to leave her.

Original poster

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 14:18

I have said it before, I met him and remained friends, nothing happened between us between the 3 months we knew each other while he was still married.

OP posts:

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