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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

483 replies

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 11:55

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 14:49

You still dont know that she did it. If she has been relatively quiet and was in a relationship (Suggesting she moved on to a degree) then you will have to look at others for reporting you.

Did they say that you were reported?

SaucyJack · 12/05/2015 14:49

Actually mellowjello, the right thing to have done would have been to have stayed away from a married man in the first place. Let's be honest here.

But what's done is done. You just need to find a way to deal with her illegal harassment of you. That's the issue.

Timri · 12/05/2015 14:50

Sounds like they very much hate each other paris
Seeing as they live so close, there's obviously other things that have happened in the interim.
Just possible dirty looks shot at each other or something, that's kept it going.
Maybe if OP and The EH had moved away, she would have gotten over it by now?
It must be hard to get over when you're faced with it constantly and the hatred is mutual...

MorrisZapp · 12/05/2015 14:53

Saucyjack, she did stay away from him. Then he left his wife - his choice.

Original poster
OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 14:57

We thought of moving away, but it would have been harder on dss to have his father live far away, the logistics that is. It is hard to make independent decisions about your life when you are a stepmum. My DSS is lovely though.

I assume I was reported. I have been married for 7 years. I was already here on legal visa and still so. It makes no sense that the home office would just out of the blue think my marriage is a scam.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 12/05/2015 14:58

I don’t agree saucyjack. I think that if there’s a bit of sexual tension in the office which is not acted on then no one has done anything wrong. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with letting someone know you’d date them if they were single.

Weebirdie · 12/05/2015 14:58

Goodness but for someone who thinks nothing of your husbands ex wife you sure do have plenty to say about her.

But I think nothing of her, she is narrow minded and the kind who wakes up drops of her son(when he is with her),school gate gossip, gym, coffee, tan and blow dry her hair. I still do not know how the man I married to could have anything in common enough to pursue a relationship with her!

But that aside - I was under the impression that a person isn't told who may have reported them.

Who knows - perhaps it was even one of your neighbours all fired up around election time who decided to do it?

Original poster
OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 14:59

I suspect it is her, because on looking back, the most she has been a misery is when she is single or going through a break up. She dated 3 guys before. Well the ones I know of.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 12/05/2015 15:00

On a more practical note, OP, have you let the Home Office know that you think that this was a malicious report? They may be able to advise you on your options. This kind of harassment is a criminal offence.

Weebirdie · 12/05/2015 15:02

OP, you have just said I assume I was reported

So now it seems that you don't even know if you were reported let alone that you were reported by your husbands previous wife.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 15:02

But you have no proof it was her or even if you were reported at all.

foxinsocks · 12/05/2015 15:03

it is totally normal for separated people to date

my divorce has taken more than 2 years. Neither ex dh nor me have said, ooh we won't actually see other people because we're still married! But we weren't living together at this stage - I don't know whether your dp was still living with his ex. This does complicate matters hugely because there is always one person more invested in that than the other.

I think the difficulty was that you got involved at a messy stage in their relationship. It is so common, and you can see it on these boards, that woman will give men the get out card by blaming it all on the other woman!

These poor diddums men who can't keep their cocks in their pants while these vicious, OWs who hunt in packs trying to drag them off! I mean fgs! Women stop blaming other women!

Anyway, she's hurt, she's lashing out and she's trying to get people on her side.

You can't influence how she behaves. Keep your friends on your side, tell your story in a neutral way if you need to. But you can't influence what she does so try not to worry about it too much. If it crosses a line to harassment think about reporting it but that will open a whole new world of pain so think strongly before you do it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/05/2015 15:05

I imagine it has something to with being fed a lot of guff like "Don't worry, hun, Karma-will-GET-them". Never has there been a more damaging fallacy.

Nevermind what she does and how she blow dries her hair or any other trivia, there's no need for you to be petty. Rise above it and ignore her. Let your husband deal with his ex, he will have more impact than you will.

VelvetRose · 12/05/2015 15:07

*Being cheated on leaves people feeling very hurt, facing practical problems such as financial - so anger from her shouldn't be surprising.

However ten years on for her to be in the same emotional place surely requires pity not hate. *

This ^

I think there are a lot of really vindictive responses on this thread. I agree with you OP people seem determined never to accept that there are serious problems in a relationship that end up with someone cheating. I say that as someone who has been cheated on twice and never cheated. I'm not saying cheating is ok, for me it is the end of a relationship, but if I'm honest I admit that both times my relationship wasn't good.

This happened 10 years ago, to still be being vile and vindictive by this time is absolute madness and extremely unhealthy.

ProbablyJustGas · 12/05/2015 15:09

It really doesn't matter how you and your DH got together, OP. However you feel about it, it is in the past. You really don't need to justify your relationship to anyone, least of all a bunch of strangers on the internet. You don't need our (or anyone's) approval.

You do need to find a way to manage your anxiety about your DH's ex. Seeking legal advice about this incident seems sensible, and I would continue down that path if I were in your shoes. A false report to the government about your immigration status is most definitely harrassment, and should be taken seriously. If the government concluded wrongly that you were staying illegally, you could be deported with no right to appeal, and that would break up your family. I don't blame you at all for feeling upset about that. Find the legal solution that prevents her (or at least scares her away from) ever pulling a stunt like that again. If nothing else, your DSS will not be better off if his stepmother is deported, his dad becomes devastated, and his siblings are suddenly left without a mom. Your DH should be first in line pursuing this solution.

That kind of action is not justified on the exW's part, no matter how jilted she may feel. You do not deserve it. Neither do your kids, your DSS, nor your DH. Assuming it was indeed her who filed that report, she is in the wrong, no matter how angry she feels about her divorce.

But beyond that, she won't go away, so you will need to find a way to cope with her being present in your life. Having dealt with difficult personalities myself, I found Hatha yoga really helped me calm down. It sounds really woo, but taking an hour to yourself to breathe deeply and clear your mind can really, really help.

As for people gossiping about you at the school gate, I've found the best you can do is just disregard those who would gossip. Shut down conversation if they bring it up. It sounds like "ignore it", but it's more like deciding not to value their opinions. There will be people out there who don't need to be in favor with your DH's ex. The ones who do, the ones who are satisfied to take her word for it ... well, do you really want or need those people in your own circle?

VelvetRose · 12/05/2015 15:09

I think if the ex w didn't even try to deny that she'd made the report it's quite likely that she did don't you? Surely if she hadn't she'd be livid at the mere suggestion.

MorrisZapp · 12/05/2015 15:12

My ex dumped me, I was heartbroken. He started seeing a girl from his work very quickly. Of course I was devastated and hated her guts. But even then, all those years ago, I knew that my feelings were emotional rather than rational. He left me, he chose her. It felt good to hate her in private but I wouldn't have dreamed of doing anything to spite or harm her, at the end of the day she hadn't done anything wrong.

She wasn't OW, even though my ex obviously fancied her before he dumped me.

Original poster
OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 15:16

I've said before that the home office did not disclose who and if they are investigating because of a report.

I could accept that it might have been difficult for the ex to be left with a baby if at least she acknowledged that theirs was not going to last, whether I was there or not.

It is hard to be unfairly accused of being an other woman. It is often done here on MN and outside based on one side of the story but when you attempt to give your side, it is looked at with suspicion if not dismissed.

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 12/05/2015 15:20

Not sure this husband is worth fighting over. He leaves his wife when their son is six months old...... and sleeps with you for three months prior that when his wife as not long given birth. Classy.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 12/05/2015 15:21

RTFT amother

Weebirdie · 12/05/2015 15:21

Ok, so the bottom line is that you are blaming her for reporting you when you dont know if you were reported or not, and if you were you don't know who did it.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 12/05/2015 15:23

Oh, and you were the other woman. He was with his wife and baby when you started seeing each other. You very much were the other woman.

ProbablyJustGas · 12/05/2015 15:25

So, dismiss them. Do these people you're encountering think they're defending exW's honor somehow?

I met my DH after he and his ex legally separated. His divorce decree came through eight months after we met. We wed eight months after his divorce decree came through. To some people, it doesn't matter that he'd drawn up a minute of agreement with her before we started dating. It doesn't matter that she was the one who left him, moved in with her "good friend", and started dating after moving in. They make their assumptions, and that's it.

Those people are idiots. What is the point of having their approval? They are dumb.

If other (real life) people's assumptions affect your children, you could always look them in the eye and address their assumptions calmly and directly. And let them know, calmly and directly, that you're disappointed that they'd jump to conclusions about you. From a foreigner's perspective, I tend to find being direct makes many British people pee their pants a little. Grin If you can do it calmly, you will have handled yourself with grace.

But I'm not kidding about the yoga!

TarkaTheOtter · 12/05/2015 15:26

You think it was not going to last. She might not have thought that. You don't know her side of the story.

IrianofWay · 12/05/2015 15:28

"but I wonder why you don't mention your husband in this? What has he got to say for himself?"

Yes.

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