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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

483 replies

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 11:55

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OP posts:

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 12/05/2015 13:46

What do you mean by 'friendly' with one another?

SaucyJack · 12/05/2015 13:47

"So if you started dating a separated man you become the reason for a divorce?"

This depends entirely on whether interest was declared before or after he left his wife.

SaucyJack · 12/05/2015 13:48

Which you haven't yet clarified.

BravingSpring · 12/05/2015 13:48

Because those fundamental problems can't be fixed if your spouse starts shagging someone else.

This

Even if those problems even exist, rather than becoming part of the excuse for his/her behaviour after the fact.

BravingSpring · 12/05/2015 13:49

The OW will always be the OW, having earned the title.

justonemoretime2p · 12/05/2015 13:51

I don't think you have done anything wrong at all OP, she sounds deranged.
What does your DP think? I would keep an eye on it and consider looking in to an official complaint for harassment.

Timri · 12/05/2015 13:52

I'm confused.
We're they fully separated when you got together, or were they together?
You said they were split, but got back together when she fell pg, so they were obviously still sleeping together.
I would assume there's more to their split than what your DH told you personally.
However it was 10 years ago now, so really she should be over it by now, however if he was still sleeping with her it may go a way to explain it,especially if you live so close to her

KurriKurri · 12/05/2015 13:53

If you don't feel in any way responsible for the break up of their marriage, why are you bothered what she thinks or says? You went with a married man - most women think married men are off limits, you can't blame them for having that opinion even if you don't share it. Marriages rarely recover from infidelity, so it is a little disingenuous to suggest you played no part in their break up. But if you are OK with that, then what is your problem - you are happy in your relationship, she presumably is unhappy, why are you so bothered about her?

Maybe ask yourself if you ever have any problems in your marriage with your now husband, whether him shagging someone else will help or make things worse? Hell you might even refer to his shaggee as the other woman, because of course you are the woman he married, so any outsider behaving badly and damaging your marriage is an 'other woman'.

Grow up, face up to your behaviour and stop blaming the person you have harmed, you did it in the knowledge you;d have to live with the consequences of your joint deception and his betrayal, these are the consequences - live with them and get over yourself. I imagine whatever she has done to you that is horrible, doesn't even come close to the horrible thing you did to her.

Original poster

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 13:53

fundamental problems can't be fixed if your spouse starts shagging someone else

No, I am not to blame! It seems some people believe that a marriage ends only because of other people. I don't believe that.

were you and your DH romantically/sexually involved while he was still married
Does it matter? One of the most annoying things of our society is that couples often refuse to accept they are solely responsible for their issues.

Hoe has your husband suggested you deal with her going forward
He suggests I have no more contact with her and we are seeking legal advice.

I hate her!

OP posts:

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 12/05/2015 13:53

If you two were having an emotional affair before you officially started dating, in my view, that would make you as much an OW as someone who was having a physical affair.

I think I'd probably always view you as the OW too.

Doesn't excuse her behaviour at ALL, though.

Tizwailor · 12/05/2015 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 12/05/2015 13:57

Does it matter?

See I think it does matter. If you have an affair with a married man you are involving yourself in their marriage. You can pretend you're not, but you are.

TwinkieTwinkle · 12/05/2015 13:58

Does it matter? One of the most annoying things of our society is that couples often refuse to accept they are solely responsible for their issues.

Of course it bloody matters! I take it this is an admission that there was an affair? What you did is one of the most hurtful things a woman can do to another women. No matter what you feel about the state of their marriage, you contributed. You were the other woman and if she wants to refer to you as that for the rest of her life then she is more than welcome to. You sound very cold and callous. In simple terms: you and your partner are the ones most to blame.

justonemoretime2p · 12/05/2015 14:01

I'm not sure if other posters have the time line wrong or I do.

They had marriage issues and separated, after separation she found out she was pregnant so they tried again.

You knew him at around this time while he was married and not seperated at all but nothing happened between you.

They then seperated and before they got the divorce you started a relationship with him.

Is that correct? If so I don't think you did anything wrong at all and legal advice is the way to go.

NotYouNaanBread · 12/05/2015 14:01

It completely matters. You were having sex with him. Rationally, of course it is entirely his fault and why you would invest in a man who has form for infidelity is anybody's guess, but emotionally, people tend to focus on the outside influence in situations like this.

Couples ARE solely responsible for their issues. You are currently in a stressful and upsetting situation because you made a bad choice in your partner.

SaucyJack · 12/05/2015 14:01

OK then. I'm gonna take your refusal to deny that you were having at least an emotion affair before he left as an admission. In which case, YABU. You were the other woman, you helped break-up her marriage and she's probably justified in hating you with her dying breath.

Just let this one go. You did a bad thing and you need to take the karma on the chin.

Her harassment of you is of course unacceptable. I hope you can find a way to deal with it, legally if needs be.

Timri · 12/05/2015 14:01

Does it matter? You're not particularly covering yourself in glory here.

I hate her The feelings clearly mutual.

On a more serious note, do you ever wonder if he can cheat with you, then he can chat on you?

KurriKurri · 12/05/2015 14:01

You sound a little unhinged - you hate her, and yet you can't understand why she might not be too keen on you? How incredibly self absorbed you must be., If she's harrassing you unfairly , report her, if your marriage is not of interest tot he Home office you have nothing to fear.

Another person may o rmay not cause people to break up, but decent people wait until a marriage is over between two people before moving in. You cannot presume to know what the state of their marriage was (you only have your H's no doubt very biased version) If you were in love and soul mates, how would such deep feelings not last until he had ended his relationship with her, why did you have to invade their marriage do you think you are always entitled to have what you want when you want it and no thought for the feelings and lives of others?

NotYouNaanBread · 12/05/2015 14:02

All that completely aside, she is definitely harassing you and I think that you should inform the police and, as you say, seek legal advice immediately.

justonemoretime2p · 12/05/2015 14:03

TwinkieTwinkle
I'm pretty sure op said her relationship started after the separation but before the divorce.

Original poster

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 14:03

To clarify their earlier split. They split up before I met him. Then she discovered she was pregnant, and both decided to try to work on their problems. Baby was born. I met him when he was about 3 months. They separated when he was about 6 months and their divorce was finalised about 2 years later.

Much of what I know about their relationship is from what my sister in law told me. I have no desire to ask him about his ex.
She is a spiteful person, even their common friends have gone off her. I hate myself for marrying a man with an ex that canvasses for the UKIP!

OP posts:

wannaBe · 12/05/2015 14:03

IMO even if the dh/dw leaves for an ow/om with whom they are having an affair there does come a point at which that person is no longer the om/ow because they are now in a relationship. And this has been said on mn numerous times afaik.

It may not be a popular viewpoint, but if someone leaves for someone else, and they go on to have a long-term, stable relationship, even marriage, then there were most likely other fundamental issues in the relationship in the first place. Affairs are often a symptom not a cause of a marriage breakdown.

And after ten years this woman needs to have moved on, and regardless of how bitter she is, reporting to the home office out of spite is not on, and I would say that the op's dh is well rid of her, however that came about. So shoot me.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 14:05

It would certainly explain her behaviour, if you were having an affair. She obviously still feels her marriage was salvageable if it werent for you.

Whether or not it was is a different matter. But if you inserted yourself into their marriage, then yes, you are to blame partly.

ThisTimeIAmMagic · 12/05/2015 14:05

Your refusal to explain what happened is tantamount to admitting you were an OW. Of course it matters what went on between you while they were married. The brunt of the blame should be on the cheating husband but the OW is also to blame IMO.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 12/05/2015 14:05

Wow.

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