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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I, I think I might be

156 replies

Emmarebecca · 11/05/2015 21:20

My DP and I want to start a family and this is not quite so straightforward as we are both women. Fertility treatment is expensive (no we don't know any men we can ask to help us out and not would we want to!) So we looked at adoption.

I don't think I want to but the reason why might be what makes me ur. Basically I have had my children's names in my mind for years. I would be so upset at not using them. I worry not naming a child would make the child feel remote and detached from me.

So - aibu? Please be gentle!

OP posts:
Kampeki · 11/05/2015 21:23

YAB a bit U. Yes, it's lovely to choose the names that you like, but if you love the child, you'll come to love the name too.

Adoption isn't easy, I don't suppose, and you need to go in with your eyes wide open. But I wouldn't let the name thing affect your decision.

WorraLiberty · 11/05/2015 21:23

You are so not ready to adopt if this is how you feel.

Original poster
Emmarebecca · 11/05/2015 21:30

I don't think it is about not being 'ready', worra. I doubt I will change my mind on how I feel. I'm not choosing to feel this way, it is just I've always envisioned naming my own child. Having that taken from me would stop it feeling like my own child.

OP posts:
Charis1 · 11/05/2015 21:33

You can give them a middle name, but accepting and keeping their first name is part of accepting exactly who they are, and the history they have come with.

Someone else gave long and careful consideration to the selection of the name they already have.

SaucyJack · 11/05/2015 21:34

What about a sperm bank?

You don't sound like you want to adopt- which is fine. Most people want a biological child.

VanitasVanitatum · 11/05/2015 21:35

I don't think you'd continue to feel like this further into the process.

You have to be 100% on board though. I'd research fertility treatment further at this stage. Can you not buy sperm from a bank and inseminate at home..?

RabbitSaysWoof · 11/05/2015 21:35

D'u think thats because your childs name is the only thing you know or have been able to picture about them? I was gutted when my ds's df didn't like the name I had always loved, I was pg but I didn't know how to picture the child so the name was more important in my mind at that point than it has been since he was actually named IYSWIM.

Snozberry · 11/05/2015 21:37

You’re thinking of the fantasy of having a child, rather than it being a real person who already has a name and a personality and a history, you will need to be able to accept them fully for who they are and it doesn’t sound like you could right now, which is fine adoption isn’t for everyone. Do a lot of research and rethink.

nilbyname · 11/05/2015 21:38

To be frank, you don't sound emotionally robust enough to cope with adoption. The rate of failed adoptions are scarily high, and this name thing being a stumbling block for you now....well that's nothing in the face of other parental issues.

Get some adoption advice, talk to your local authority.

I know what I am saying some bad harsh, however I have seen with my own eyes the trauma involved for everyone when adoptions fail.

Charlotte3333 · 11/05/2015 21:38

I was adopted when I was 10. My Mum accepted (unwillingly) that she wouldn't be allowed to change my first name, so changed my middle name to her Mums name. And now I have the same names as the new princess!

I think if you are going to go through the adoption process, you're going to do a lot of work on stuff like this, and learn a great deal about yourself. If names are a deal breaker for you, admit to it. We have quite a few friends who've adopted children and none have changed first names. I can't believe for a second that not having given them those names makes them love their amazing children any less. DH didn't name DS1 with me (we met when DS1 was 18 months) but loves him dearly nonetheless.

Original poster
Emmarebecca · 11/05/2015 21:39

what we both like about adoption is that it's equal - obviously using donor sperm would mean only one of us would be biologically related to the child.

Charis I guess that's what's off putting. Because it denies us what most parents can do as a matter of course.

OP posts:
secretambridgelover · 11/05/2015 21:40

You can sometime change the 1st name- depends on their age and other factors. BUT most people adopt older children and it isn't an option.

A friend changed both names. One was a baby and the other child has a ridiculous made up name - think tequila (not really but similar)

Original poster
Emmarebecca · 11/05/2015 21:40

Obviously a 10 year old would be so different - we'd be hoping for a child under the age of 2.

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 11/05/2015 21:41

If these are the concerns you have about raising a child then you are not ready for it.

Swaledale · 11/05/2015 21:44

But by adopting you'll be providing a child with a safe, secure, loving family environment and giving them a better life, surely that's more important than a name?

Original poster
Emmarebecca · 11/05/2015 21:44

Ok

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmarebecca · 11/05/2015 21:46

Swale it might sound selfish but we wouldn't be adopting to give a child a loving life, we'd be adopting so we could be parents. Obviously it would be fantastic if as a by-product a child who otherwise wouldn't have had a good life does but ultimately we want to be mums, nor a charity :)

OP posts:
Mrsstarlord · 11/05/2015 21:47

What Worra said.

By not ready to adopt I mean that in order to adopt you have to accept that the child is not your biological child, that the canvas isn't blank and whilst you are mummy and they are your child - there is another part to this little person's life which you haven't been able to influence.

Also having a fixed idea in your head about how parenthood will be is going to be challenging, regardless of whether you adopt or give birth.

Mrsstarlord · 11/05/2015 21:48

Given your last post, I'd suggest that adoption is definitely not for you.

SaucyJack · 11/05/2015 21:49

I take it neither of you have a brother you'd be willing to ask for some "genetic material"?

AuntyMag10 · 11/05/2015 21:50

You really should not adopt given your last postShock

Original poster
Emmarebecca · 11/05/2015 21:51

I don't think we do have a fixed idea at all. And of course we accept that the child wouldn't be a blank canvas.

I suppose the best comparison I can come up with was when we married. Neither of us really liked our surnames Grin so we got a new one and it really signalled to us coming together as a couple, a family.

Not having the opportunity to name our child would I suppose make them feel as if they were not 'mine'. That doesn't dismiss the life they had before any more than me having a new surname signifies that I wasn't a person before meeting and marrying my lovely lady. It's just about saying we belong together now. I accept names are probably more important to me than some but I refute the 'you are not ready' comments. I'm mid 30s so I'd better be ready for some sort of parenting! If I was straight and had for pregnant by mistake no one would say 'you are not ready' because I wanted to name my child!

OP posts:
GriefLeavesItsMark · 11/05/2015 21:51

Have you thought about getting a kitten instead?

Takedeux · 11/05/2015 21:51

You could have one child each by sperm donor, maybe even the same one

QueenB14 · 11/05/2015 21:52

it might sound selfish but we wouldn't be adopting to give a child a loving life, we'd be adopting so we could be parents

Being a parent is doing absolutely everything in your power to give your child a "loving life"

You are not ready

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