Am I, I think I might be

[Emmarebecca]

My DP and I want to start a family and this is not quite so straightforward as we are both women. Fertility treatment is expensive (no we don't know any men we can ask to help us out and not would we want to!) So we looked at adoption.

I don't think I want to but the reason why might be what makes me ur. Basically I have had my children's names in my mind for years. I would be so upset at not using them. I worry not naming a child would make the child feel remote and detached from me.

So - aibu? Please be gentle!

One other thing.

Your biggest challenge isn't names.

It's realising that 'fertility treatment being expensive" isn't a good reason to adopt and you need to go through a process of coming to terms with not having birth children.

Adoption is difficult and, 9 times out of 10, different to parenting birth children. If it's just money standing in your way, you should pursue having birth children.

I'm not sure why you're taking issue with me Libbety. As far as I am aware I wasn't being harsh to the op...

I think people are being a bit harsh. I am always amazed by how small things can become the big things when at the beginning of a new process - its like the mind focuses on these things to avoid having to think about the whole picture. saying 'you're not ready to adopt' is unfair when none of us know you in rl. When I was pregnant with dc1 I was convinced I was having a girl, I'd always pictured having a girl, I had my girls name picked etc, when I found out I had ds1 - suddenly it didn't matter at all, the image I had of a child suddenly became a reality and I was besotted with that reality and still am now! I think maybe you are preoccupying your mind with this in what I am sure can be a difficult process to be considering and starting. x

Quite a trivial note to add but with both of our two, we had names sorted and then when they arrived we didn't think those names fitted and went with something else. That doesn't take away from the OPs point that we still got to chose though

LibbityBibbity I am simply not worthy. Am laughing and crying at how spot on your post is and am in awe that you have introduced the much needed phrase hoof-wank into this thread.

OP hope you are feeling better. It is a big thing but if adoption is right for you, you will get over it. Explore all your options and make sure this is right for you both. Plus a significant minority of the adopters I know changed the names of their children. It really should be a case by case thing rather than a blanket policy. Defo check out the adoption pages, AUK and the adoption pages on fertility friends. Great adoption chat there.

I joined this site as I thought it was a supportive site. Emmarebecca has bravely expressed her feelings with the hope of having supportive advice. Every situation is different and we haven't walked in her shoes to understand how she is feeling!

As a social worker myself I am aware that there is a large amount of work that goes into the assessment process which will unpick some of the OP thoughts and feelings.

Good luck in your journey to being a parent Emmarebecca :)