Am I, I think I might be

[Emmarebecca]

My DP and I want to start a family and this is not quite so straightforward as we are both women. Fertility treatment is expensive (no we don't know any men we can ask to help us out and not would we want to!) So we looked at adoption.

I don't think I want to but the reason why might be what makes me ur. Basically I have had my children's names in my mind for years. I would be so upset at not using them. I worry not naming a child would make the child feel remote and detached from me.

So - aibu? Please be gentle!

What about sperm bank and self insemination. You could both do get pregnant by the same sperm donor. Then you might be lucky enough to have 2 children, all 4 of you would be biologically related, which seems important to you. Obviously you'd have to be careful regarding emotions if one of you got pregnant and the other didn't.

Big Red Ball, you really need to read the OP's comments at least.

I cannot BELIEVE the willful misunderstanding of the OP's honesty, even from posters who appeared to be reading along. Staggering.

OP. I think you have had a hard time on here. Especially from the non-adopters who can sit on their high pedestals because they don't actually need to contemplate taking on a traumatised child If you haven't already, please go to the Adopters board (under Becoming a Parent) where you will get informed and balanced advice.

I think lots of people worry about names to start with, because the name is so tangible. (I have helped train at prep courses and name discussions come up a lot). But as you get more into the process, the worries about names fade into the background compared with everything else there is to worry about!

There are some names that I would have really struggled with, and if the name is really a struggle, you need to not adopt that child. But you hear about the child first, with their name, and so the name 'fits' the child and you wouldn't dream of changing it.

We gave our children new middle names and of course they got new surnames. So the 'claiming' comes from there. But their first names are one of the few positive things they really got from their birth family, and I wouldn't take that away from them.

There is lots of 'loss' when adopting, obviously for the children and the birth family, but also for the adopters who lose lots of 'firsts' for their child, including naming them. I only have one small photo of my eldest before they were 6. I had no input into early years, no memories to share. But I have gained so much from having my children, watching them gain in trust and confidence, put their hurt mainly behind them, and grow into lovely lovely young people.

I also think the op has had a hard time. People will have all kinds of worries when adopting - isn't it better to get it out on the table and look at it?

Do you think the name thing is actually about more than just the name itself? To me it sounds as if it could stand for all the things an adopter would need to accept about the child not being biologically theirs. You don't name the child, the child has a biological family who will form part of the picture whether you like it or not, you don't share any genetic characteristics with the child etc. All of these are very important - to be an adopter you need to have thought about them and have come to terms with them if they are difficult issues for you.

I just thought that to you, the names you've had in mind for ever might also stand for the mental image you have of 'your child'.

Thank goodness this thread has turned sensible. I worry about the OP though, she has not come back and I don't really blame her

Some utter hoof-wank on this thread, mainly from non-adopters.

OP, I adopted because I wanted to be a parent, and not because I am a self-flagellating martyr on a mission to rescue children. Seven years in, I have sacrificed my career, my life-savings, and much of my sanity battling professionals for appropriate support for my child whose life will be forever defined by the trauma and neglect she experienced at the hands of her birth parents. I think I have amply demonstrated I am capable of consistently putting my child's needs first and should not be restricted to keeping a pet because I had the temerity to question received wisdom about the importance or otherwise of an adopted child keeping their original name.

To illustrate, a conversation in a typical mumsnetter household might go something along these lines: "mummy, where did my name come from?" "Well, darling, daddy and I were so excited once we found out we were expecting you we spent weeks poring over a baby names book, but we decided to name you after your great-great-great-great grandmother who was a feted society beauty and marched with Emmeline Pankhurst in the battle for women's suffrage." Subtext: "We wanted a name that would link to our family's heritage, was not too vulgar or common, wouldn't cause sniggers or raised eyebrows when we shout it in the park and would be suitable for when you fulfil our expectations of becoming a partner in a Big Four law firm."

Conversation in libbitybibbity's house: "Well, it was actually your mother's pimp/groomer who gave you the names PrincessPorscheMercedesCarreraCortina before he persuaded her to abandon you in scub, where you were being weaned off your addictions to drugs and alcohol so he could traffick her into another county to be gang-raped for money. He said he liked cars. The social workers, yes, the ones who failed to protect your sibling from serious harm, were determined your name could not be changed. I don't think they considered your visual impairment (caused by your mother's consumption of heroin, methadone, crack cocaine, cannabis & non-prescribed anti-depressants), your fas, your lifelong learning disabilities and mental health issues enough of a family legacy for you. I hope that one day you will be able to look them in the eye and explain you have enough daily reminders of what your birth mother and father passed onto you."

OP, get yourself registered on the adoptionuk website to talk to adopters, both experienced and prospective, for a more informed debate.

I didn't adopt out of some saint like belief I was saving a child and giving them a good life.
I adopted to be a parent to a child/baby and part of that is giving them the best life and upbringing I can. I'm definitely no saint for sure. We did get to change our daughters made up weird name, but ended up not choosing one of the names I had in my head for years as none of them suited her.
If you think you might want to adopt OP, go and find out more, talk to whoever it is that does the adoption classes and interviews and see if this is the right thing for you, it might be and the classes could change your view of it all, or you may find that you don't like or agree with the whole process and re think what you will do.

I think some of the responses here have been harsh. The OP said right at the start that the importance to her of being able to choose the name might be unreasonable.

Surely, at the start of the process of firstly deciding you want to adopt and then during the stages of application and approval, being honest about your motivation and the things that concern you and that you are wondering about must be important? Better to face those questions and concerns than to cover them up or ignore them and then find out later that they matter too much to be overlooked.

Just to throw this in - my daughter does not have the name I picked out (turned out a close and lovely friend got there first and we opted to change our chosen name as we spend a lot of time together). Anyway I'll get to the point - she has a different name from the one I had imagined for her but i love the bones of her.
I honestly think it wont take long to think beyond the name when you meet your child - you will love him/her whatever.
I do hope you continue to look in to adoption.

Thank you for recent posts. To clarify, we don't have one special name in mind but the process of choosing one mattered to us. :)

Sorry - I guess I missed the point there.

But I do think once you have met a child that might be "the one" that will make all the difference and the name might become less of an issue.

I understand what the OP is saying, I think! My sister didn't adopt children to give them good homes ( although they have ended up in a fantastic home) ultimately she adopted because she wanted to be a mum. She's also the first to say that she is the lucky one not her children.

Wrt to the name thing - she changed both her children's first names and used their original names as second names.

I think this is the sort of thing you think about before you actually have the baby in your arms, I remember banging on about all sorts of bollox such as I would never let my child talk back to me And dh came out with he would do everything but change a nappy - in reality he changed most of ds's nappies as I was dreadfully ill!

No one is ready to be a parent until they have the baby and have to get on and do it and then you end up looking back and laughing at all the rubbish that you thought mattered

Wet the child feeling remote to you OP, one of the exercises my sister had to do in 'adoption class' was to write down everything you'd have to do to care for your biological child and everything you'd have to do for an adopted child- both lists were practically the same. As someone said up thread, you tend to think that you will feel attached to your baby like they are another of your limbs but in reality they are their own person in their own right.

WRT not wet

I don't know how you might have felt if someone had told you that you couldn't name your birth child if you have one of course.

OP, I accept that this is slightly different, but my DH is from a country whose tradition dictates that you name your first child after the paternal grandmother or grandfather (patriarchal, I know) and I can honestly say that I was not bothered by this at all. A name is just a name, it has no bearing on the child's personality whatsoever.

I honestly cant imagine that you are the first couple not to have felt this. It's not an irrational worry in my view. You want to be sure that you will feel bonded. I bet if you go on to the adoption boards you will get more support.

But your family will come about by being just that - a family.

I am really not generally sappy about this stuff - but I do think when you meet him/her it will become an awful lot clearer.
And now I should shut up!
Good luck.

But if you have kids with someone then I think you often don't get to use the names you've had picked out for years.

Your partner might hate the name, or it might not go with your surname, or your sister might have one and use the name...

Naming a child isn't the be all and end all.

Very true Fortunately , and sometimes people pick a name and then it doesn't suit the baby at all.

But you still get to choose one together and its that that is important to us as a couple :)

My DS has my hateful ex's surname, a middle name from his side of the family and a first name that I like but was a massive compromise with him.

I'd love to start again and choose his name myself.

But that's not life is it?

OP. To adopt you will need to, in the words of the song, 'let it go' that choosing the name is important. It is one of the many things you have to let go of. But you can choose middle names which is part of 'claiming'.

However, you do get to choose the gender (if you want to and have good reasons), which non-adopters don't get to do. (Though surprisingly we actually ended up with the one combination I didn't think we would ever have).

And bringing up a child that you can have no pre-conceptions of because they aren't genetically linked to you is a fantastic adventure.

You're getting an uneccesarily hard time here.

I am an adoptive mother to two children. I adopted, firstly and foremostly, because I wanted to be a mother. If you tell social workers you want to adopt to give an adopted child a good life/'rescue' them, they will take a dim view.

Naming is MASSIVELY important an issue to over come. It was one of my first concerns. Before starting to look into it and realising there were other, far bigger ones. Those who are saying that if you think it's a stumbling block you're not ready to adopt, probably haven't adopted. Imagine taking the worst name you can personally think of, then calling it across a park to 'summon' your kids. Or think that everyone is judging you when you tell them the name, because you don't particularly like it yours,f.

What I'm about to say may be controversial to those who haven't adopted, but frankly I don't give a shit. If you go down the adoption route and get to the point of matching... if you really hate a child's name, that child isn't your child (yes, adopted children are our children, despite a previous post suggesting otherwise). What you'll find is, if the child is right for you in every other way (actually, if you are right for the child), the name fades into a kind of insignificance.

Thank you for recent posts. To clarify, we don't have one special name in mind but the process of choosing one mattered to us

Same here.

We gave middle names and they soooo wouldn't have been what we would have chosen as first names (middle names had to go with existing first names), but I wanted to say, I understand.

Fortunately

Presumably you had some say in whether or not you wished to become impregnated by your ex? And, no doubt, some input into a discussion about names for the resulting child? You are openly saying you wish you had the chance to rewrite history and give your child names of your own choosing. The OP is merely asking for some respect and consideration for her wish to do the same. Since the OP, if she is successful in her plans to adopt will be saving the UK taxpayer £50k a year(the average cost of keeping a child in care) wouldn't you consider a quibble about a child's name small fry in the grand scheme of things?