Am I, I think I might be

[Emmarebecca]

My DP and I want to start a family and this is not quite so straightforward as we are both women. Fertility treatment is expensive (no we don't know any men we can ask to help us out and not would we want to!) So we looked at adoption.

I don't think I want to but the reason why might be what makes me ur. Basically I have had my children's names in my mind for years. I would be so upset at not using them. I worry not naming a child would make the child feel remote and detached from me.

So - aibu? Please be gentle!

it MIGHT sound selfish ??

heck. it does sound selfish

The reason I mentioned about it appearing to the the 'greatest loss' is that is what your original op is about.

The 'rosy' picture comment comes from the view of how you see your future. Although we are happy as a family and I wouldn't change anything, I still feel a great sense of loss that I could never have a birth child. Life involving adoption isn't generally 'rosy' regardless of what the parental make up is.

Don't get me wrong, I truly understand about the name thing but it so far down on the list of considerations when it comes to adoption. If it makes you feel any better, our adoptive ds couldn't feel anymore 'mine' despite not naming him.

Good luck with whatever you choose going forwards.

Why is it selfish to want to name your own child?

Ffs, how many of you would like me to name your future child for you?

I'm guessing I won't have many takers...

DH and I had chosen names for our children before I was even pg. then, once I was pg, we finalised names for both sexes as we didn't want to know which she was until she was born. I had always wanted to call a daughter after my very much loved grandmother, and dh had always wanted a boy called after his dad.

The moment I saw her, I knew the names we'd chosen were wrong. DH felt the same. I can't remember what the time limit is for registering a birth, but we only managed to find her name about two days before the limit was up. We only had one child, as well, so no opportunity to use the names on a second or third child.

Sometimes, the most determined upon plans simply don't work out as expected.

If you're crying yourself to sleep at night for the want of a child, and the only option you have is adoption, then it would be silly to let a name stand in the way. I don't intend that nastily so I hope you don't take it so. Say goodbye to the names - they were a dream, a thing of shreds and tatters. Look forward to the realityof a child.

So yes, YABU. But absolutely the very best of luck. I'm sure you'll be lovely parents

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been covered but part of the extensive preparatory courses for potential adopters deals at great length with why a name is quite so important to a child. How you are feeling is an understandable concern but the prep courses do help you alter your thinking and I don't necessarily think that holding this view at the present time means that you aren't ready. It is a massive step and sperm donation is a walk in the park in comparison to what potential adopters have to go through. Take it further and see how you feel, you might find it just isn't right for you.

Although I have just seen a glimpse of your comment at 21.46 and think that if you see a difference between 'giving a child a loving life' and 'being parents' then it really might not be a good idea at all.

I got to name our first and DH got to name our second, we couldn't agree on anything so it seemed fair at the time.

Honestly, I love them both the same, and really after 4 years the one whos name I choose I've gone off anyway and constantly find myself thinking "oh why didn't I think of that name".

You think its a big deal now, but when they're living and breathing and your whole heart is now walking around outside your chest all day long, I can assure you wether they are called Lucy or Benugaldedolup will not concern you in the slightest and you'll love them all the same

I think perhaps it is different for us, as neither of us have fertility issues to our knowledge and as such adoption would be a choice based on what best suits our family - if we decide to proceed!

It must be utterly heartbreaking to be unable to carry a child, to have miscarried a much-wanted baby, to have that choice made for you in effect

The child we adopted, if we decided to do so, would of course have had huge losses in her or his life. I was raised by my grandmother for 5 years after my mum died when I was still at primary school - dad couldn't cope - and he in turn died when I was still a teenager. I don't want to adopt to make up for this sense of loss but I do have some understanding of how loss of a parent and a parent being unable to care for you impacts on your self worth and identity,

I suppose a previous poster summarised it best for me: names, for me/us, are symbolic. I accept that they aren't for everybody.

Rocky I absolutely refuse to justify that comment again; I have done so. In summary, I am not rescuing a child, I am loving one, parenting one.

But since you haven't RTFT you probably won't bother to RMF reply.

I think Emma, what raises concerns for me is the fact that whenever you speak about names and the importance of them to you, you seem to gloss over the very real significance to a child of their name.
Nobody thinks you should be viewing adoption as a way of 'rescuing' a needy child - that's not what it's about. It's about putting the child's needs first. Your posts don't convey a sense that you are ready to do that, which is fine - you don't have to. You are adjusting to your changing ideal, that's fine. But it's also fine for people to tell you (because you asked) that your concerns about not being able to use your name should make you think twice about adoption.
To people who have adopted, the barrier of a name may pale into insignificance in light of all the other challenges and speaking for myself, I find it hard to square something so seemingly trivial (because I'm 12 years down the line) as a barrier to adoption, I guess that context is everything but my kids identity is much much more important than my need to complete the picture in my head.

It seems concerns about names are so common that it is an extensive part of the adoption discussion process.

I saw no part of the OP's posts that suggests that she was glossing over the importance of a name to the child. Rather that she was trying to work out WHY naming a child seemed so important to HER. The knowledge that she wouldn't, of course, be changing an adoptive child's name was a given.

Of course being this hung-up in a name is unreasonable, but we ALL go into parenthood with unreasonable expectations.

Being honest about this seems to me to be a pretty good starting point for the parenthood journey, whether parenthood is via birth or by adoption.

Emma, have you properly investigated and ruled out all options for natural parenthood? There is nothing wrong with adopting of course and in fact I have great admiration for those who are prepared to go through the rigours of the process, but it is apparently very grueling and can take many years.

It's the fact that the child's needs weren't mentioned Humphrey that gave the impression that it was glossed over.
I agree Misti that being honest is incredibly important and I respect anyone for doing that, even if I find their thought processes difficult to understand.

Do have another think about the sperm donor option. Gay friends of mine have two children, one each that is biologically theirs. They each love both children equally, and it's one of the most stable, happy marriages that I know.

Some awful responses here. Surely the vast majority of people adopt to become parents because they're unable to do so naturally.
OP- something you said earlier about IVF etc not being equal as there is only one pregnancy- is if worth a few tests? This happened to 2 friends of mine and it turns out neither were ideal candidates for pregnancy but one was more likely to fall pregnant than the other (she had fibroids) so the decision was made for them who would carry the baby. Might be more simple than you think.

I think you are doing what all prospective adopters do; considering sensibly whether you will be able to properly bond with a non-biological child. I know I couldn't, so if I wanted another child, adoption would not be the right route as I wouldn't be a good enough parent for them.

I think you are being jumped on because to many of us the name seems like quite a trivial thing to worry about. But to you it's important. That's ok. You'll be exploring all of your feelings and thoughts if you start the adoption process.

All I would add is that adopting isn't really changing the whole situation re names: if you were to have a biological child and be able to choose the names there's no guarantee about your choice anyway. Having a bio child:
a) you have chosen names - what if the other parent has also chosen names? Whose do you use? What if they absolutely hate the names you've already chosen and veto them? Parents debate a LOT about the names...and sometimes really get into conflict over it. Your child may end up with none of 'your' names anyway.
b) Quite a lot of parents have second thoughts about the names they gave their children and have to live with no longer being very keen on them.
c) the child may hate the name you chose and change it.
d) You love your child just the same regardless of any of the above happening. The name isn't actually important to how you feel about them.

So name choice is something fun to do, but essentially never something under one parent's control.

Sorry not read the whole thread but...I know a couple who adopted a sibling pair and changed one of the first names as it was ridiculously identifiable .

OP, lots of people have names picked out and don't get to use them. My favourite name = DH's school bully. Etc.

But it strikes me that it's not really about the name, is it? Let's have a look at what you've told us: you say you have a fantasy in your head of what your children will be like and you are worried about how you might actually feel when they come along, however they come along.

I would strongly suggest you try to figure this stuff out a bit before you try to adopt. Try to work out the emotions and worries you are having and what to do with them - the name thing is just the conduit really I think.

I think it would be harder to let go of having a bio child as there is no need to.
I would go with the donor iui, because it sounds like adoption is long and difficult and can be very challenging.
I think it would be easy enough to give up doing the pg bit and let partner be the bio parent so that 1 of you can experience this.

(Just as if we had had to go with donor egg/sperm i would have chosen that)
I would say during all the yrs of infertility the not naming our child never even entered my head, i was sad for not having the child itself. And TBH the whole process was so stressful, lots of tests etc that was what was on my mind.
I dont think iui would be that expensive (but for me i dont like that the child can then find its donor)

your analogy with you and your partner creating a new surname is interesting - because that is the name that you will get to give to an adopted child. There have been some ridiculous statements on here - please don't let them get to you. It

Mumsnet is so weird about adoption. Obviously the vast majority of people who adopt do so because they want to be parents. If that were not the primary motivation, you would see a lot more parents who already have bio children adopting. I know a lot of adoptive parents, and in every single instance they did it because they wanted a child, not because they were Mother bloody Theresa. Just the same as those who get pregnant do it because they want to be parents.

FWIW OP, I totally get the name thing. I have a strong interest in names and sociology of naming, and when I was going through fertility issues and considering adoption, it was something I wasn't sure I'd be able to get over. I simply couldn't imagine having a child whose name I perhaps didn't like. I think I would have got there in the end, but it's not trivial like many posters here are making it out to be.

I know a couple who went with donated sperm. They were pregnant about two years apart, and used the same donor, so the children are brothers via their unknown biological father. I thought that was pretty cool. But I imagine it's fairly expensive.

I don't think the name thing holds people back much once they've thought it all through. To be honest I wasn't thrilled with the name my husband wanted for our son, but it was extremely important to my husband (it's a family name) and I went along with it. I think it took approximately a week for it to become a non-issue for me.

I've seen many of the issues relative to the OP on this thread amongst my friends.

I know a same-sex couple (they now live overseas so I don't see them) who have two children. They used donor sperm, and each has been 'a natural mother' for want of a more eloquent way to put it.

I have a single friend going through the adoption process. I have not heard this person make mention of names, but I am sure that it is important to them in terms of bonding with a child.

I have a friend who does not want children, and has been through a very acrimonious split with her partner. Despite this, she is very bitter that her ex has had a child with a new partner, and used a name similar to one she liked/had picked out.

I do understand that you wish to use a name you like, OP. When I was pregnant, I compiled a list of names, and had a particular favourite. When DD was born, the name I liked so much just did not suit her, and I had a very distraught 24 hours as I found something that did.

Hello. Just a different perspective on the name thing, I spent months thinking about names, buying name books, found it all really exciting. When our baby was born there were complications and a particular short time when it looked like things would end very badly, we needed a name for him and just sort of plucked one out of thin air in a numb / disbelieving state. Thank god he was ok, but it never really felt like 'his' name but it all got too late to change it and he was so lucky to end up ok and back home. But now because the name is his name I love it, and it's part of his story so far. I understand why you feel like you do, but I think it would be a temporary rather than a long term feeling. Anyway, either way good luck, exciting times ahead!

Ok I haven't RTFT, but this:
why is it shocking someone adopts a child because they want to be a parent?

WTAF? Surely this goes hand in hand. You don't have one or the other. It's what every parent strives for, even before the child is born and before they actually become parents

You're definitely not ready for children.