Am I, I think I might be

[Emmarebecca]

My DP and I want to start a family and this is not quite so straightforward as we are both women. Fertility treatment is expensive (no we don't know any men we can ask to help us out and not would we want to!) So we looked at adoption.

I don't think I want to but the reason why might be what makes me ur. Basically I have had my children's names in my mind for years. I would be so upset at not using them. I worry not naming a child would make the child feel remote and detached from me.

So - aibu? Please be gentle!

I don't know why the name is a big deal, but it is. I don't know how you might have felt if someone had told you that you couldn't name your birth child if you have one of course. Different things matter to different people; I certainly didn't plan on feeling this way but I do. I recognise this is silly but what I'm not accepting is that because of this I lack emotional maturity or that I should get a hamster.

Humphrey, thank you for your kindness.

I felt I had to come back and defend myself against the more scathing attacks but I now will apologise and take 'time out' - some of these messages are nasty, really nasty.

I am assuming because I felt that anyone who had actually been through this process would not tell the OP to get a pet instead. I am assuming that people who have been through the process may be a little more understanding of the issues.

I am not referring to the people who have gently pointed out that the OP may not be suitable for adopting, she acknowledged that herself in her opening post! I am pretty disgusted by the knee jerk callous responses.

Well - I have to be honest - when I posted on adoption before, when we were considering it, the view was sperm donation which we aren't sure about!

Wilbur I have answered as best I can: I will leave it there for tonight, please, I do feel rather as if I've been put on trial at the stand rather than wanted to name my child myself!

No Humphrey you don't. I am adopted, as are 2 of my children. God knows what my life would have been like if my parents had decided not to adopt me because they didn't get to choose my name.

Well on that logic, you should be cross with everybody who doesn't adopt then, shouldn't you? Because God knows what life is like for children in care because most people decided to have biological children rather than adopt because they wanted biological children.

How dare you try to make me feel bad because of YOUR issues?

Sorry OP, it IS the obvious

I was relating my own fertility issues where I went through the do I adopt/but I want my "own" child internal battle. In that situation it was far more about How, until that was figured out I couldn't really get beyond wanting to be a mum

Would embryo donation not be similar to adopting and make it equal without removing your ability to name your child?

But Wilbur, do you have a massive go at people who decided to have biological children, often for selfish reasons? My own mother is adopted too. I have never adopted a child, never even considered it. My point is that no one has ever accused me of being selfish, or of being more suitable to look after a pet than a child because of this. It is really, really out of order.

For us, it is obvious that a child who is ours - whether that happens because we adopt or because of fertility issues - will come to a home with two parents who will adore him/her :)

The only point I was trying to make was that, as said above, we are not adopting a child with a view to rescuing one from a troubled life as we did our cats. I have been rebuked for this but it is true: our consideration of adopting a child or baby is very different to our journey to becoming cat owners, as it should be.

The pet comments - would they have been made towards someone who has spent years suffering infertility?

Or was it deemed ok because OP is in a same sex relationship?

They were cruel.

Thank you Shoot.

They were extremely cruel.

I can only hope this is down to people not reading what I was actually saying and assuming I was saying I would not give a child a loving home. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I am an adopter and I don't think your concerns are irrelevant. I think the posters who are suggesting you get a pet are being unfair. One of those things you dream of when becoming a parent (I think I speak for a lot of people, anyway) is picking a name. It is one of the things you have to wrap up and put back in a box when you are an adopter, along with an awful lot of other things. I think what you are, rather than blindingly selfish is very early doors because, believe you me, the name issue becomes unimportant when compared to the multitude of other issues- contact, neglect, sws, trauma.

I also get heartily sick of being told how lucky my son is. We are the lucky ones: we get to be parents to this cheeky bundle of cuteness. We adopted because we wanted to be parents. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as you understand their need for a family is paramount, more so than any ideas or dreams you may have had about what family life is.

Do explore other options: adoption is hard in ways you may not have thought about, not to mention that the current climate means people are waiting ages for a match. I would also advise you pop over to the adoptions boards- fewer judgey pants.

We also changed our son's name but not to one I would have always dreamed about. He would not have suited one of those!

Thank you barbadosgirl

There is absolutely loads to think about! Why the name remains a slightly sticky point when I cheerfully nod along to addiction, attachment issues and so on - well not cheerfully before I am jumped on again! - but I think it is a bonding issue and a worry about bonding.

Emma I don't have any 'issues' as you put it. I genuinely don't understand why naming a child seems to be so important to you, I don't even know why it would enter ones head when it comes to something as important as adoption. Why do you suspect you may be being unreasonable?

Actually I apologise for saying you should get a dog OP. It wasn't nice and I'm sorry.

It's rare that I skim to the end of a thread without reading it through as I'm made so angry by the earlier comments made by the op.

I am an adoptive parent.

In regards to the name thing, loss is a huge part of the adoption process for everyone involved and if you think that is the greatest loss then I don't really know where to start. Of course, I had dreamt of what my birth child's name would have been prior to each of my 3 mc but sadly, it wasn't to be. Our son has a name that I would never have chosen, a name that is frequently mentioned on mn in derogatory terms, a name that I struggled to say for the first six months as it didn't feel 'right'. But it is his name, the one thing his birth mother gave him and we 100% made the right decision to keep it.

I'm sure it's been said already but the point of adoption is to find families for children who need them. Not to complete the rosy picture you have in your head.

If you plan on adopting a child you're going to have a hell of a lot more to worry about than its name? you do realise that most of these children come with huge biological and emotional 'baggage'? Abuse, drug addiction when being gestated, possible FAS, after effects of violence, neglect, malnutrition etc.

And it's never a case of, the younger you get them, the less problems they will have. Never make that mistake. Children are given a history as soon as they're conceived. They are not a blank slate.

Adoption breakdown is a big problem. This is a human being's life you're involving yourself with. You get it wrong, they live with it forever. No second chances. Kids shut off emotionally and psychologically if they fail to experience security and unconditional love and acceptance.

The name should be the last thing on your mind. The name is irrelevant. If you feel you can't bond with a child because it has the wrong name, then you have a huge shock coming I'm afraid.

Thank you for the apology Wilbur

I don't believe I have stated at any point that not naming our child is 'the greatest loss.' I also don't think I have a rosy picture. Believe me, when you commit to a life with someone the same sex as you, the picture is not rosy. It's bright - rainbow coloured :) - but it comes with many prejudices and difficulties and you constantly have to explain yourself.

I know my feelings are illogical and I hoped, by posting here, people might be able to share their experiences and perhaps unpick why I feel as I do.

It is a pity that assumptions have been made because those assumptions are not correct. I am so, so grateful at this stage for the kinder posts as I must admit this thread has left me shaken in a way I didn't think was possible from an Internet thread! I have an unpleasant feeling the posts like the one above accusing me of thinking not naming my child is 'the greatest loss' and as such I am unsuited not only to adoption but to parenthood and should look no further than the local pound

No, I'm not emotionally stunted, I like dogs but don't want to parent one, and I'm no stranger to loss.

I just wanted to choose my child's name.

The name thing is real, tangible. Something you can think about and have feelings you can understand. The idea you might have to look at your child and think about them being neglected, abused, born addicted to drugs, neurologically damaged is unreal, too big to have any real feelings about at this stage. That would be my guess. You know it is bad but it is so far away from your reality, it doesn't connect. The name thing does. I think it was the first thing I clung to, that and not being able to parent a teeny baby. For every loss there is a gain but it is a different path than that you may have imagined.

Back to some points made earlier- adoption sws are very wary of people who claim to want to parent through no desire to parent, rather than as "saviour" to needy children. Adoptions sws also expect adopters to acknowledge and process things they will be losing via adoption- things like parenting teenies and names.

Why does OP need to be so patronised? I forget this is AIBU

She's already said she's not sure why she's so attatched to naming her child but offered plenty of suggestions - she (personally) associates the naming process with bonding and even as far as they changed their name to signify the beginning of their family. It's symbolic and important to her.

It won't be to everyone.

You are possibly correct in your first paragraph Barbados. I'm afraid I don't fully understand your second paragraph and would be grateful if you could clarify. Adoption SWs are wary of people who want to be saviour to needy children, or are wary of those who don't wish to be saviours to needy children?

I think the OP needs to go over to the Adoption Board.

This issue affects some of us personally and is insulting and unpleasant to have to read.

Wary of "saviours"! They don't like the "saviour" thing for all sorts of reasons- unrealistic expectations, greater chance of disruption, not to mention that children are unlikely to do well in a scenario where they are meant to feel grateful or rescued.

I agree hidden.

Then hide the thread, as you are insulting me and being unpleasant to me.

The only thing that I have said is that naming my child matters to me. You have chosen to take my words out of context, you have chosen to use them to harass, or sneer, to judge me, you have claimed I should not be a parent, you have claimed I should get a hamster.

And I, who insult and upset everyone 'personally offended' by this, should go to the adoption board? Because no one there will be affected personally by this matter, will they?

Thank you Barbados, I thought that was what you meant but I was not sure.