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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I, I think I might be

156 replies

Emmarebecca · 11/05/2015 21:20

My DP and I want to start a family and this is not quite so straightforward as we are both women. Fertility treatment is expensive (no we don't know any men we can ask to help us out and not would we want to!) So we looked at adoption.

I don't think I want to but the reason why might be what makes me ur. Basically I have had my children's names in my mind for years. I would be so upset at not using them. I worry not naming a child would make the child feel remote and detached from me.

So - aibu? Please be gentle!

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 11/05/2015 22:31

I think all the comments about adopting pets are really out of order. Please stop.

We all become parents because of our desire to BE parents. I think the OP is just expressing that very clearly. I think having biological children is essentially a selfish act in this overpopulated world, I have three of them. I give them the best life I am capable of giving but I had them to satisfy my own desire for children.

hiddenhome · 11/05/2015 22:33

Horrible thread. Horrible attitude towards a potential child Sad

WilburIsSomePig · 11/05/2015 22:34

No. You really should not consider adopting. Get a dog and leave adoption to someone who feels that giving a child a loving home is priority and not their desire to be a parent.

HumphreyCobbler · 11/05/2015 22:35

I don't think so at all. I haven't considered adopting a child AT ALL. I know there are children out there without families but I still went ahead and had my own children. As did most of those posting on this site. I don't think we are in a position to judge the op, at least she is considering it and being very honest about her feelings and motivations.

Morelikeguidelines · 11/05/2015 22:36

It doesn't sound like adoption is the answer for you, honestly.

Have you considered the sperm bank idea as others have suggested?

WilburIsSomePig · 11/05/2015 22:36

Humphrey, I totally disagree and I actually think that the OP is completely out of order.

HumphreyCobbler · 11/05/2015 22:36

But no one really would adopt if they didn't want to be a parent, would they? Think about it. NO ONE is that altruistic.

AGirlCalledBoB · 11/05/2015 22:36

I honestly don't think you are ready to adopt judging by your posts. I don't think you fully understand adoption fully and you really do need to research it before you go any further. Adoption is not for everyone and you are not really coming across well in your posts.

Floggingmolly · 11/05/2015 22:37

But these children already exist, Humphrey, and have had a completely crap start in life already.
They're not accessories; to "make someone parents". Their needs come first, and the adoption panel would rightly be extremely wary of any potential adopter presenting themselves as op has here.

HumphreyCobbler · 11/05/2015 22:38

"Several friends of ours adopted and got sick of people saying "well done you, you saved them from a horrible future" inferring that they had adopted for that reason. In fact they felt the children had done more for them than the other way around, giving them a chance to be parents. "

Seems people may have missed this very pertinent post.

drspouse · 11/05/2015 22:41

Even biological children aren't 'ours'.

Very true.
We have two DCs that we adopted. We could have tried more invasive fertility treatment e.g. donor egg but felt that wasn't really for us.

As we adopted our two from overseas and as they were very young, we named them (one of them was not named by birth parents anyway).

While on our preparation course, one of the other potential adopters heard that I had worked with children with disabilities in the past and asked if that was why we chose to adopt. No, I replied, it's because we want to be a family.

We are also told our children are "lucky". No, we are the ones who are lucky.

But their birth families will always be very important parts of their lives and even though we have zero information about some birth parents (a little about others) that's not going to go away, and some parts of it are hard news for them to have to cope with when they are older, while some parts are to be celebrated. Even at birth children come with this type of "baggage".

Very interesting point by Random about family arguments about naming biological DCs too!

Original poster
Emmarebecca · 11/05/2015 22:41

I am really shocked at how that message has been interpreted.

If (say) I was to become pregnant it would not be altruistic because that child wouldn't exist. This is the same.

Of course we would give any child a loving, loving home - but my point was in response to somebody who asked wouldn't I feel good knowing I'd helped a child. I was explaining that we weren't looking into adoption for that reason!

I can only take comfort in that you don't know me and luckily i know that the character assassination some have seen fit to give me is nonsense. I am grateful for the two people, I think, who interpreted my post in the spirit it was intended.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 11/05/2015 22:42

If you are involved in adopting/fostering in anyway maybe you have good reason to say that, in which case I concede your point FloggingMolly. But I still maintain that the OP is being totally honest in a way many people are not prepared to cope with rather than revealing herself as a potentially damaging parent.

HumphreyCobbler · 11/05/2015 22:44

I also think that people who maintained there were only altruistic reasons for their desire to adopt would be treated with caution by the adoption agencies.

WilburIsSomePig · 11/05/2015 22:46

How can you think this is OK? You have stated your concern is that you will not be able to choose the child's name yourself. How can you seriously think that this should be a major consideration when adopting?

ShootPeppaPig · 11/05/2015 22:46

I was under the impression that OP is considering all her options and at the beginning of that journey.

When you can't conceive naturally and quickly you do stop thinking about giving a child a loving home as your number 1 goal, primarily because you haven't yet even got to the point where being a mum is possible...

I'm sure once OP figures out HOW she becomes a mother, her focus will immediately switch to giving a child a loving home

Original poster
Emmarebecca · 11/05/2015 22:47

To put it another way, let's suppose I answer the question 'why do you want to adopt?' with 'my partner and I feel so sorry for the poor children in care and we want one to live with us because we have a stable relationship, nice home, etc.'

I'm not sure that is better than my honest answer which is this:

'Because my wife and I dearly love one another and we want a child because we desperately wish to be parents. We feel we would be unfulfilled and unhappy if we did not get the opportunity to be parents. We want to raise a child together and love him or her to pieces.'

And some of you think that honest response, because I am not seeing it as a charitable act but as a way to be a parent, is a bad thing? I'm surprised as our local authority said just the opposite. Whether we continue with the process or not is another matter but they certainly felt our motivation was good.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 11/05/2015 22:50

I am sure they did Emmarrebecca.

It is very distasteful that people who have never been in your situation are being so horrible. But that is AIBU for you.

WilburIsSomePig · 11/05/2015 22:50

So why is the name a big deal? This is real life not pretend.

WilburIsSomePig · 11/05/2015 22:51

How do you known who has been in this situation Humphrey?

Original poster
Emmarebecca · 11/05/2015 22:51

It isn't even that shoot. Giving a child a loving home is obvious, I would hope.

But in reply to the nasty comments re hamsters and dogs - adopting a child is NOT like going to the RSPCA. We got two cats because we felt sorry for them in the rescue centre. The cats are treated well, we care about them, we feed them good food, ensure their health and they have a happy life.

But the motivation between acquiring our cats and our journey to parenthood is very different indeed. We did not cry at night longing for cats. We did not put money aside into a savings account for our cats. Our cats don't make up our future dreams.

This is not an act of charity. This is becoming a parent.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 11/05/2015 22:52

I don't Wilbur.

EustaciaBenson · 11/05/2015 22:52

OP next time post in the adoption section, you'd probably get more thoughtful answers.

slkk · 11/05/2015 22:53

Gosh people are being harsh. Come over to the adoption boards, op, if you want to explore this further with lovely experienced adoptive parents. All I can say is that all happy adoption stories start with loss - for the child but also for the parents and there is a lot to be worked through on the journey (which starts with a desire to be parents).

WilburIsSomePig · 11/05/2015 22:54

I'll ask again. Why is not being able to name a child such a massive deal if you so badly want to be parents?

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