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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I, I think I might be

156 replies

Emmarebecca · 11/05/2015 21:20

My DP and I want to start a family and this is not quite so straightforward as we are both women. Fertility treatment is expensive (no we don't know any men we can ask to help us out and not would we want to!) So we looked at adoption.

I don't think I want to but the reason why might be what makes me ur. Basically I have had my children's names in my mind for years. I would be so upset at not using them. I worry not naming a child would make the child feel remote and detached from me.

So - aibu? Please be gentle!

OP posts:

nilbyname · 11/05/2015 21:52

Have you began the adoption process? I really think you need a reality check.

A cute toddler to you may well have been born to a drug addict/alcoholic parents, or with mental health issues. Maybe this child will
Have attachment issues tHat are not known until later on, maybe they will have learning needs which again are not known until later on. A lot of what you get with ANY child is down to nature and nurture. You will have some but not all control. And whilst you and your partner might be mega mums, you might be parenting a very needy child that doesn't fit into your- by the sounds of it- narrow parameters.

Original poster

Emmarebecca · 11/05/2015 21:53

why is it shocking someone adopts a child because they want to be a parent? Anyway - I asked to be gentle but it's a bit harsh this side for me. Thank you for your answers. We have a lot to talk about.

OP posts:

BuriedSardine · 11/05/2015 21:53

Apologies if this is not how you feel, but your post sounds as though you've already imagined a child, down to the name.

We all do that to some extent, but as soon as we meet the actual baby, we realise how mad that was - they're already a little person and all we can do is water them, marvel and watch them grow.

There are always bumpy times, and that absolute love and acceptance of the child for who they are, over how we expected them to be, gets us at least part-way through.

I'm worried that you have imagined so much more than just a name, and that you might find it hard with an adopted child (and all the challenges that brings, even with all the live and goodwill in the world) to just accept them for who they are. Rather than how you imagined them.

Hope that makes sense and that things work out for you both.

QueenB14 · 11/05/2015 21:53

And being in your 30s doesn't make you ready either

Original poster

Emmarebecca · 11/05/2015 21:55

Queen - last post here.

You become a parent and you give your child a loving life, that's hopefully a given.

What I mean is, we are not thinking of adopting because we feel sorry for children in care (we do - it's just not the reason we are thinking about it.)

We are thinking about adopting because we want to be Mums.

Anyway last post. I can assure you we ARE ready to be parents, whatever route we eventually decide on. :)

OP posts:

nilbyname · 11/05/2015 21:58

Well that's the trouble, we don't get to decide who should be parents when we are biological parents. That's body autonomy for you, but some people just ought not be parents! (Not you, that's not what I'm saying)

But adoption is like parenting, plus.

It doesn't sound like your emotionally mature enough to separate the identity of an adoptive child that IS separate from you, with a history that needs to be taken into account.

Snozberry · 11/05/2015 22:00

but we wouldn't be adopting to give a child a loving life, we'd be adopting so we could be parents. Obviously it would be fantastic if as a by-product a child who otherwise wouldn't have had a good life does but ultimately we want to be mums, nor a charity

What do you think parenting is then? You’d be better off getting a pet.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 11/05/2015 22:01

I wonder if the name is a red herring and it's really the fact that it's not the way you grew up expecting to have children.
I know someone who adopted an 18 month old who changed his name slightly.
I know a couple who used one woman's brother's sperm to get the other woman pregnant twice, a really lovely family.
Did think previous comnents saying you aren't ready to adopt were unfair until your last post...

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 11/05/2015 22:04

Ah, ok I see.

If you contact the adoption team at your local authority they'll be able to give you far more information.

DesperatelySeekingSanity · 11/05/2015 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 11/05/2015 22:07

How are you going to feel being a parent to any child that you didn't give birth to and have no biological connection to?

Strangely enough many couples having a child have a lot of rows & disagreements on names and one of you often has to do a major compromise and accept a name you're not keen on!!! My youngest is 9, still don't like her name...

Charley50 · 11/05/2015 22:08

Even biological children aren't 'ours'. They are their own people who we help to nurture and grow, and then try to let go.
I thought my DS would be a little mini-me and I was so shocked that his interests and talents are so very different from what mine were as a child. Then I remembered how my dad was with me; how he thought he had the right to control my thoughts, my activities, my friendships and my life. I stopped pushing my stuff onto my DS.

My DS has his dads (my exes) surname. Often I wish he didn't. It doesn't in any way affect how much i love, or I am, with my DS though.
Just sharing my thoughts.

Iflyaway · 11/05/2015 22:12

I agree.

Adopt some cats, you can name them what you want.

Mrsstarlord · 11/05/2015 22:14

I think the reason that I am saying I don't think you are ready to adopt (and I can only speak for me), is that at no point have you put the child's needs before yours. Names are unbelievably important to a child who has been taken from birth family. It is not a case of whether they are 'yours', they aren't 'yours', they are their own person with a complex and often traumatic history which often also happens to be a very important part of their identity. That's why a name is so important to a child who is adopted.
Adopting a child isn't for the faint hearted or those who want a 'normal' life, there can be lots of uncertainties - sometimes things are great, often they aren't. I have respect for people who say they can't do it although I do find it hard to understand their feelings as I find them quite alien, but it's better to know and say 'no' than to go in thinking it's going to be a fairytale.

EustaciaBenson · 11/05/2015 22:15

Op, we are in a similar position, fertility treatment isnt an option so if we want children its adoption, we are still undecided. For the people saying the name is irrelevant etc etc, yes of course it but thats not entirely the point. I had names chosen etc, and now through some biological mistake I have to let go of that. Sure the name is an important part of a childs history etc, but you can acknowledge that whilst still acknowledging that its shitty that you are in the situation you are in, I would love to have my own child, I would love to have a sotry tl tell them when they are older of why I picked their name. This wont make me a bad adoptive parent, if I told them I hated their name, or tp
d the, I hated not being able to pick their name that would make me bad. Having a moan to mumsnet when there arent any children involved in the senario, not so much

As for saying the OP shouldnt adopt because shes honest enough to say she wants to adopt because she wants to have children not because she wants to be some saint giving a child a happy life, I have never yet heard someone trying to get pregnant because they want to give their child a good life. You hear people say "I want to have children" all the time and no one pulls them up because they arent doing it for the sake of the child. Adoptive parents are allowed to adopt because they want children first and foremost, in the same way as biological parents have children because they want children. Of course you want adoptive parents to want to be good parents the aame as biological parents, but they are allowed to want to have choldren for selfish reasons. Being unable to have children doesnt automatixally make you a saint. If the op had said she wanted children and didnt want them to be happy, that would be different

I would lovepto know how many people who have said the OP should not adopt because she doesnt want to do it for entirely selfless reasons have actually adopted...

VelvetRose · 11/05/2015 22:16

What nilbyname said.

I do know what you mean in a way though op. Several friends of ours adopted and got sick of people saying "well done you, you saved them from a horrible future" inferring that they had adopted for that reason. In fact they felt the children had done more for them than the other way around, giving them a chance to be parents. In one case the adoption has proved extremely challenging, in the 3 other cases it has been much smoother.

Teacuptravells · 11/05/2015 22:19

Falling pregnant by mistake is very very very different to adopting. I think people who are saying "you are not ready" would also say it to a straight couple with the same "concerns" about not being able to name the child.

Most areas do an introduction course where they tell you a little about the realities of adoption and the process. Maybe you could consider that? It doesnt of course commit you to the process and you could be a little more informed if it is for you?

Seriouslyffs · 11/05/2015 22:22

Take on board what's being said here OP. Do a lot of research before you approach the LA. If you start the process in this mindset you'll fall at the very first hurdle.
You will not be accepted.

Mashtag · 11/05/2015 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hiddenhome · 11/05/2015 22:24

You don't sound very nice actually

Not bothered about giving the child a loving home? It's all about you isn't it?

Is this a wind up?

If it's not then get a hamster.

Corygal · 11/05/2015 22:25

In your position, and with your current thoughts, I would be thinking about taking on a goldfish.

Research adoption before you fall in love with the idea - I fear many surprises in store for you.

Mrsstarlord · 11/05/2015 22:26

Eustacia

I have adopted and feel that on the basis of these posts it wouldn't be the right thing for the OP.

FWIW, I don't like the whole 'you must be amazing' stuff you get when people know your kids are adopted, and I will also say that we are the lucky ones. But, it's bloody hard and if our kids were not adopted they would have been at best neglected and abused, at worst dead. However, it's worth every moment to have them in our lives, so yes, there is a payoff for us, but that's not why we adopted.

hiddenhome · 11/05/2015 22:27

I cannot imagine how painful it would be for a damaged child to be placed with adopters who have this attitude.

Children aren't pets ffs.

This is a wind up isn't it?

Floggingmolly · 11/05/2015 22:29

Based on your posts; you won't make it even halfway through the process anyway, sorry.

ShootPeppaPig · 11/05/2015 22:29

I don't think adoption would suit you, but I don't think your reasons are stupid - I get sick of this myth that it's selfish to prefer not to adopt (as if it's easy in this country anyhow - it's not) if you have any fertility issues.

I think naming a child is one of the things you think of most when bringing a biological child into the world, it was a big part of planning and during my pregnancy. There's a whole section on MN for discussing baby names. A lot of thought goes into what we name our kids whether it's because we like the name or its meaning or its after someone etc I think you wanting to name your child probably has a lot more to do with you wanting to experience the journey of pregnancy and birth for yourself. That's ok - in my book.

There was something about embryo donation I saw, as opposed to sperm... Would that be an option for you?

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