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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have much sympathy for her and think she is being a bit cheeky?

180 replies

ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 18:29

DP's ex was messaging him the other day asking him if he can increase the maintainance he pays for his ds because she and her bf are apparently really skint.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have been and still am pretty poor so I get how hard being broke can be however:

She is currently pregnant with her bf's baby - they were actively trying for a baby despite not living in a place big enough for them all to live in and always moaning about not having enough money

DP already pays more than he 'should' in maintainance

Her bf has a pretty good job (20k ish - not loads but a lot where we live)

Aibu to not have much sympathy and think she is being cheeky asking DP to pay her more? She was also complaining that someone has threatened to report her for benefit fraud, she claims tax credits but I'm fairly sure she shouldn't be as her bf works full time and her mother works full time (who lives with them) so their household income is probably too high to be receiving tax credits.

I also doubt she is as skint as she says she is given a few weeks ago she and bf went on a very expensive foreign holiday, I think my definition of skint and hers are quite different!

Aibu and a bit mean or is she bu?

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/05/2015 23:20

Griphook. Yes I am absolutely sure I pay in a lot more than I take out, and that is fine. I am fortunate to be in that position.

I am sure everyone on here is doing their best for their children and stepchildren, but the system is obviously ridiculous. And I don't care what the government deems reasonable; I still think £20 is pathetic.

expatinscotland · 10/05/2015 23:20

FGS. No sympathy. Cheeky. You sound over-invested in other peoples' affairs.

Eustasiavye · 10/05/2015 23:26

there seems to be a serious flaw in the system if any amount of maintenance is disregarded with respect to hb or similar .
It is a free country and anyone who doesn't pay for their own children is a shit.

People who do pay are fine in my book.

DrivenRoundTheBend · 10/05/2015 23:28

Irrespective of whether she went on holiday or not she is still providing for her son more than your partner.

Maybe she had the holiday booked prior to the maintenance being halved by your DP.

What she does with her money is really none of your business. What bugs me about these posts is that either way you look at it the RP is the one that is responsible for covering the cost of the boys upbringing (which she will be doing) whilst your DP is pissing about going after his "dream job". Great if it pays off in the long run but tough shit for her in the short term.

I wish people would look at their situations responsibly before bringing more children into them or moving in with someone with children (that goes for her also if it's the case) or even moving in with someone who can't bring in an adequate salary due to their own choices. Great that you're going through uni but as you can only work part time because of it your partner is subsidising you. Again, great if you can afford it but clearly he cAnt.

If what you've said about her is true it sounds like you all need to grow up a bit. I get nothing from my ex but let's face it, whilst £20 a week is better than nothing it doesn't touch the sides either.

DoTheDuckFace · 10/05/2015 23:28

Not everyone is capable of earning a lot of money. Someone has to do the low paid jobs and at least these people are going out there and working.
£20 is not a lot, we all agree that but as I have said before a % of not a lot is not a lot and if that's all there is then that's all there is and at least he is contributing a fair amount of his salary. If the ex was still with a man who has found himself earning less they would have to adjust to it somehow.

Would people excpect nrp to contribute a minimum amount rather than a % even if that left them with nothing to feed or house themselves?

inchoccyheaven · 10/05/2015 23:29

If £20 a week isn't enough how much would be enough ? How much would you generally say children cost ? My ex pays £45 a week based on him originally having our 2 children 3 nights a week. Only 1 goes now at all other one doesn't want to. I could go back to csa to get it reassessed but its hassle and friction with him I can't face.

I buy all the clothes, sports club fees etc out of the maintenance, child tax credits and my wages for both dc. The only thing he provides our ds that stays with him on his days is food, electric, heating etc. I don't know if this is reasonable or not. I manage fine but that is because of tax credits which he resents me getting, and thinks he should get half of as he has ds almost half the time. He doesn't seem to understand that his wages are much higher than mine and if he could claim he either wouldn't qualify or would get much less than I do.

riverboat1 · 10/05/2015 23:30

£20 isn't a lot, but the dad has other costs to pay too eg fuel to get him for contact, and all the costs of providing a home where his DS comes at the weekends. It's not like he's slapping down a £20 note every week and then washing his hands of his son completely...there will be many other indirect costs he's also paying himself towards raising his child.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/05/2015 23:43

What does it cost to raise a child?
Well, the cost of that extra bedroom
The extras on the bills
Food
Clothes
Activities
Holidays
Toys
When mine hit sixth form they get £20 a week pocket money, for going out and clothes. Plus stuff like driving lessons and phone contracts.

FeijoaSundae · 11/05/2015 01:33

Nobody is debating that, DuckFace, but if the (non-resident) man is only able to contribute £20 based on his salary, it's likely the (resident) woman is earning even less, but contributing far, far more. Both financially and of course emotionally.

Lets face it, it costs a hell of a lot more than £40 a week to raise a child.

Coyoacan · 11/05/2015 04:14

Gggrrr! Sorry OP, but as has already been said there is no way that 20 pounds a week is a serious contribution to the costs of bringing up a child. Having had absolutely no help from my ex towards the cost of bringing up my dd, it makes me flaming mad that men think that children can be put on a shelf while they do their thing and then taken down and fed when they have a bit of spare money. Meanwhile a mum is stuck having to figure out how to put three meals a day on the table.

None of this is your responsability, OP, but good on the ex if she managed to have a foreign holiday and buy all new, that is really none of your business. But, just because your ex is a good-for-nothing like mine is no reason why you should be criticising your DP's ex for wanting what is only fair.

fiveacres · 11/05/2015 07:03

£20 is not 'all he can afford.'

£20 is all he can afford living his current lifestyle. It must be a very low income indeed if £20 really is all he can afford. The CSA recommends 20% of an income; if we assume that the £20 is indeed 20% of his gross income I would politely suggest that £100 a week profit from his business is insufficient for everybody.

Icimoi · 11/05/2015 07:14

How often does your ds have contact with his son? I think people getting indignant over £20 a week are forgetting that he will be paying for everything for his son during those visits.

fiveacres · 11/05/2015 07:43

He has him at weekends, the OP said.

According to his calculations, those weekends will cost £16. £4 a day for mum and dad over 2 days.

Too right we are "getting indignant".

CupidStuntSurvivor · 11/05/2015 09:36

I'm struggling to reconcile a couple of things. First, if you and your DP don't get housing benefit, surely he's earning enough that paying more than the £5 a week minimum CM is something he has to do rather than something he's choosing to do? I may be wrong of course but aren't both means-tested?

And I'm still struggling with the notion that his ex is 'cheeky' for daring to ask for a more substantial contribution than the pittance he's providing. Really? The only fact that's relevant is that he's providing just £20 a week. Literally, none of the rest of it matters a jot. Even if the pair of you do have different versions of 'skint'.

Eustasiavye · 11/05/2015 09:54

Cupid he is paying what the law recommends he should pay.

Sure it may not be enough but that is the reality facing thousands of rp every day.

Cutting cb and tax credits which many of these rp rely on would plunge them into obscene poverty.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 11/05/2015 10:08

Didn't the OP say he's voluntarily paying above what the CMS dictates?

DrivenRoundTheBend · 11/05/2015 10:21

How generous of him to pay more than the £5 a week minimum Hmm

He has decided to go self employed in his field. He has done so knowing full well he wouldn't be earning enough to support his son.

I'm a single parent, I work two jobs one of which I hate, another which is below my experience level but I do it to provide for myself and DD. Maybe I should go self employed and only contribute £20 a week towards her upbringing.

Or maybe not as a RP would end up in jail on a child neglect charge.

findingmyfeet12 · 11/05/2015 12:27

Not sure why people are getting hung up about the government calculations. You don't need the government to tell you how much it costs to raise a child - isn't your conscience enough?

If the law says £20 then the law is an ass.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 11/05/2015 12:34

I wonder what would happen if there was some kind of reward/ incentive for paying a living contribution towards your children? A tax break or something of that kind. To remove this idea that it's acceptable to pay £5 pw and somehow they're 'doing their duty'.

And stronger penalties for not paying towards your children. One that is harsh enough to cause a real problem vs the court summons that are unenforceable and they can just ignore without it ever coming back on them.

I wish the conservatives would go after actual rubbish people like fathers (parents), who pay nothing/ almost nothing, rather than the current hate figures of the disabled and carers.

I guess it shows societies values, very clearly about who is worthwhile and who is not.

Aermingers · 11/05/2015 14:51

Whenever I see one of these threads posted on here I inwardly groan because I know exactly what the responses are going to be.

RP can have as much and as good a lifestyle as they want whilst still reasonably expecting the NRP to pay more than they can afford.

A second family deserve to starve on the streets before maintenance should be reduced by a penny. Even if the RP is jetting off to Bermuda four times a year and dines solely on Beluga caviar whilst living in a mortgage free mansion in Holland Park.

A RP has every right to make any lifestyle change they wish such as going to university, going self employed and has the right to demand the NRP pays more to fund this. The NRP has no right to ever change their circumstances for any reason.

The NRPs partner must junk any of their own hopes, dreams or aspirations of their own and be prepared to accept poverty. Which they probably deserve.

HTH OP.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 11/05/2015 15:04

Well of course you should make sure you can provide for the kids you already have before you start a new family. Surely that goes without saying. If you don't have the cash, then don't have more kids with someone else.

googoodolly · 11/05/2015 15:04

I hate these threads. The NRP is ALWAYS painted to be deadbeat and a disgrace. People forget (or ignore, whatever), that the RP gets a whole host of help that the NRP doesn't get - child benefit for starters, and if they work, child tax credits and working tax credits.

DP has three children and pays what probably equates to £20/week/child, but after rent, it leaves him £200 a month to pay all bills and feed himself. He earns too much to receive any kind of benefits. It's not like he's living it up while his ex is in abject poverty - she gets income support, child benefit, help with her rent and lives in council property.

Some people on here don't seem to realise that the NRP has a home to run as well, and they DO NOT get the help that a working RP gets in the form of tax credits and child benefit.

Overtiredbackagain · 11/05/2015 15:15

My exH pays me £25 a week for both my two DC - and I have to practically beg him for that! I want to go the CMS route as he earns £18-£20k a year and lives at home with his parents, paying them £40 a week, but he keeps threatening to quit his job.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 11/05/2015 15:16

No Aermingers, the RP can have as luxurious a lifestyle they want as long as their child is catered for. Unlike the NRP, who can choose to give the bare minimum, even if that means they're contributing to less than half the costs of the child's upbringing and leaving the financial burden more weighted on the RP. For the RP, the child is the bottom line. The child will be catered for either way. The NRP has the luxury of the financial burden being reduced as their circumstances change, despite the cost of raising a child still being the same.

findingmyfeet12 · 11/05/2015 15:22

Yes, the NRP's partner will have to accept that they have chosen to share their life with someone who has other, more important, commitments.

They don't have to curb their own aspirations. I don't rely on my partner to fund my dreams - I do it myself.