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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have much sympathy for her and think she is being a bit cheeky?

180 replies

ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 18:29

DP's ex was messaging him the other day asking him if he can increase the maintainance he pays for his ds because she and her bf are apparently really skint.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have been and still am pretty poor so I get how hard being broke can be however:

She is currently pregnant with her bf's baby - they were actively trying for a baby despite not living in a place big enough for them all to live in and always moaning about not having enough money

DP already pays more than he 'should' in maintainance

Her bf has a pretty good job (20k ish - not loads but a lot where we live)

Aibu to not have much sympathy and think she is being cheeky asking DP to pay her more? She was also complaining that someone has threatened to report her for benefit fraud, she claims tax credits but I'm fairly sure she shouldn't be as her bf works full time and her mother works full time (who lives with them) so their household income is probably too high to be receiving tax credits.

I also doubt she is as skint as she says she is given a few weeks ago she and bf went on a very expensive foreign holiday, I think my definition of skint and hers are quite different!

Aibu and a bit mean or is she bu?

OP posts:
kilmuir · 10/05/2015 21:01

no, i would not be handing over more money. she is being cheeky. by all means buy him stuff. maybe shorts , t shirts for summer etc. if she is that hard up she should not be so fussy what she gets given for him.
AND i would dob them in. no problem with that at all.

wheresthelight · 10/05/2015 21:02

I would get do to write an email to her explaining that at present there is no more he can do financially and ask exactly what she is struggling with in regards to their son and then move from there.

How far do you live from his son? Could you have more contact with him in order to assist?

GingerLDN · 10/05/2015 21:07

If you can afford to spend say a fiver a week extra on DSS, buying something he might need, could he not just raise the maintenance by £5 instead. At £1040 a year I fail to see how you can accuse her of funding a lifestyle with the maintenance. It's not unreasonable to go on a holiday and still ask for more than £20pw. Could your DP take extra work on at nights or something?

EuphemiaCoxton · 10/05/2015 21:08

You need to ask what the money is for. We've had too many terse messages demanded X amount to be put into whatever bank account to count.
It's only after many texts (ex won't answer her phone) she will say it's for X, y and z. So we offer to buy it, she generally says no she bought it already but needs the money. Now we say no.
You need to stand firm and say no cash, but if she tells you what it is she needs.....
If she says she bought it already say show us the receipt, or she will know for next time to ask you for the item in advance.
It's awkward and nasty but if she genuinely wants stuff for your OP's child she will do it.

Bodicea · 10/05/2015 21:13

He would be spending more than £20 a week on his son if he was responsible for him, whatever his income was.
I hate the attitude that if the ex has the holiday or a nice lifestyle then the father gets out of his financial responsibility.
Sorry but £20 a week is really not enough.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 10/05/2015 21:14

The ex's DP's job is irrelevant. Holidays they've been on are irrelevant. The mother living with them is irrelevant. Your own situation is irrelevant.

£20 per week towards a child's upbringing is hardly anything and certainly doesn't equate to half. She's doing nothing wrong by asking for a bit more when she's having a tight month. She contributes far more to her son's upbringing than your DP does.

If your DP already paid an adequate amount and she was asking for more, my answer would be different. But he doesn't. And the ex, like most of us, obviously has some months that are better than others financially.

If he simply can't afford it, he can't. But I'd afford her a bit more respect considering she's bringing up your DSS with very little financial help from your DP.

findingmyfeet12 · 10/05/2015 21:20

Cupid - you took the words right out of my mouth. £20 a month is risible. Your DP has the luxury of saying "it's all I can afford". What is she supposed to say when she runs out of money? Her dps income is irrelevant - he's not responsible for the child.

Is your DP constantly searching for better paid work, whether in his chosen field or not? This will sound harsh but if he isn't, he should be.

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 21:21

Ginger, I'm not saying she can't go on holiday at all, if she wants to do that's it's fair enough but it does grate slightly when she & her DP go on a £1500 (each) holiday (leaving Dss at home) and then complain they are broke.

We live a fair distance away, not sure of then exact mileage but DP pays about £20 in petrol picking him up and dropping him off on contact days so it isn't really practical to have contact at other times.

OP posts:
findingmyfeet12 · 10/05/2015 21:26

They don't have to be broke for her to think that £20 is not enough to pay for the child's expenses.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 10/05/2015 21:26

Why does it annoy you that she's broke? Regardless of the reason, how does it really affect you?

Your DP being broke affects her every single week. It's not an option for her to only contribute £20 to her son's upbringing. She has to make up the shortfall.

As I said in my last comment, if he can't afford it, he can't afford it. But it's a bit bloody rich that it annoys you that she's broke.

fiveacres · 10/05/2015 21:28

Jasper, the issue is that you are looking at their lifestyle as a whole. That, in the politest sense, is not the point here. The point is that £20 is insufficient, is a joke, is insulting.

Myx husband pays me maintenance for our children. What I decide to do with my money is not his business. I would be enraged if he announced he was cutting my maintenance because I had gone on holiday - it is a bit like tax, you cannot say 'well I'll only pay this amount because I don't agree with the government spent it on.' That is his son's money, not the wife's.

I realise this is frustrating for you but she is absolutely entitled to request more than £20 a week - £4 a day? Shock

formerbabe · 10/05/2015 21:34

Op...even if she was a millionaire, it wouldn't change the fact that your dp should contribute to his sons upkeep.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 10/05/2015 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 21:39

Cupid, it doesn't annoy me that she is broke. It annoys me that she claims to be broke while simultaniously spending lots of money on silly non essential things. If you were really broke, as I am, you wouldn't do that - things like spending hundreds of pounds on new pets and camping equipment that they didn't need and didn't even end up using. They bought a brand new car when they had a perfectly good car already.

She can use her money however she likes but don't moan about being poor when you do! But like I said I think our definitions of skint are very different.

OP posts:
findingmyfeet12 · 10/05/2015 21:40

Why is her holiday relevant? £20 per week is not enough to feed clothe and accommodate a child. Do you imagine that she's been squirrelling away pennies from the £20 allowance to fund a holiday?

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 10/05/2015 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

findingmyfeet12 · 10/05/2015 21:45

It would be relevant if he was paying for it yet only contributing £20 per week for his own child.

WardenessOfTheNorth · 10/05/2015 21:49

I receive £25 a week for my DS from his dad. All done through CSA. He has a full time job and recently got a mortgage on his salary yet CSA still says £25 a week. I don't get anything from him extra like help with uniform/shoes etc as he has pointed out in the past that I receive the payments from CSA so he doesn't need to give me more.

I don't think £20 is as unusual as some of you think.

fiveacres · 10/05/2015 21:51

I know full well it isn't unusual. Doesn't stop it being disgraceful Smile

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 10/05/2015 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GingerLDN · 10/05/2015 21:54

I still have no idea how you can call her cheeky. Cheeky is paying someone a pittance for their child to be clothed, fed and looked after and then complaining that they have ONE holiday. Can you imagine if this AIBU was written from his ex's point of view?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/05/2015 21:54

Seriously £20 a week is a bloody joke. How much does it cost to feed him, clothe him, provide a house with a bedroom for him? That's without activities, holidays and toys. Your OH should be working an extra job if £20 is all he is able to provide for his kid.

FeijoaSundae · 10/05/2015 21:54

...but DP pays about £20 in petrol picking him up and dropping him off on contact days

Right, so you can see how £20 is gone in the flash of an eye. Confused

Imagine if her contribution to the child was a mere £20, and she was claiming, 'but it's all I can afford'.

The child would be living in sack-cloths in a cardboard box.

I'm not saying you are responsible. Your DP is. But it's really not on for either of you to be whining about this when his contribution is currently naff all, compared with hers as resident parent.

Your ex is part of the problem, too. What is wrong with these men??

Stealthpolarbear · 10/05/2015 21:54

your dh is unable to provide financially for his child/ren
why does he think it acceptable to continue like this
presumably his ex has been subsidising him by making up the shortfall in his Half for years

fiveacres · 10/05/2015 21:55

It is not the respective ex-partners business to pass a commentary on who goes on holiday or who spends what.

There is a child who needs raising and two people created him. They should be the ones who pay for his food, his shelter, his clothing and his activities.

We all agree £20 is not enough for this.

So the OP has asked if we think the ex is being 'cheeky' by asking for more - my answer is no, she sbsolutely is not.

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