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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have much sympathy for her and think she is being a bit cheeky?

180 replies

ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 18:29

DP's ex was messaging him the other day asking him if he can increase the maintainance he pays for his ds because she and her bf are apparently really skint.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have been and still am pretty poor so I get how hard being broke can be however:

She is currently pregnant with her bf's baby - they were actively trying for a baby despite not living in a place big enough for them all to live in and always moaning about not having enough money

DP already pays more than he 'should' in maintainance

Her bf has a pretty good job (20k ish - not loads but a lot where we live)

Aibu to not have much sympathy and think she is being cheeky asking DP to pay her more? She was also complaining that someone has threatened to report her for benefit fraud, she claims tax credits but I'm fairly sure she shouldn't be as her bf works full time and her mother works full time (who lives with them) so their household income is probably too high to be receiving tax credits.

I also doubt she is as skint as she says she is given a few weeks ago she and bf went on a very expensive foreign holiday, I think my definition of skint and hers are quite different!

Aibu and a bit mean or is she bu?

OP posts:
WardenessOfTheNorth · 10/05/2015 22:25

We can only ever do our best. I utilise my child maintenance as best I can and we make sure DSD is provided for as best we can.

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 22:34

That's the thing I think wardeness, she isn't using what she has well, she fritters it away on silly things. She is perfectly entitled to do that but I would think it more sensible, especially when your expenses are only going to increase due to new baby and possible move to a more expensive house, to find ways to cut costs and make your money go further.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/05/2015 22:35

Well that's alright then. I am quite happy for my taxes to go on housing benefit because deadbeat dads don't support their kids Hmm

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 22:42

What are you on about?

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 10/05/2015 22:44

Fritters £20 a week away? Surely that doesn't cover anything. Truly shocked that that is seen as generous.

wheresthelight · 10/05/2015 22:45

I fail to.see why the ops dp is being called a deadbeat dad. He is paying what he can afford and 4 times what the visa calculations say he needs to. The opening has said when her dp has more money coming in he passes that increase on. Whether £20 a week is shit or not is not the point, if that is all that can be afforded then that is all there is. When his ex has agreed to this amount then she has no right to suddenly demand more. She should be cutting her cloth accordingly the same as she would have to if she and the ops dp were still together.

wheresthelight · 10/05/2015 22:45

Sorry for typos my kindle is crap

Eustasiavye · 10/05/2015 22:48

Tinkly - that is in effect what is happening.

So many feckless fathers ( and it is fathers more often than not) don't give a damn that someone else has to pick up the shortfall.

The majority of single mothers earn less than men yet thousands are in a position where the father does not pay his share of looking after his own children.

The other side of the coin is that many women take up with these feckless men and are quite happy to see children do without.

I know there are some decent nrp out there but plenty are total arsewipes.

WardenessOfTheNorth · 10/05/2015 22:49

Tinkly she doesn't get HB because DH won't pay! It's because she moved 200 miles away to be near family and got a council house so we couldn't see DSD on a regular basis as she hated me.

I can't believe I'm having to give out such information on here because you are so quick to judge!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/05/2015 22:50

£20 is pathetic. That someone can walk away from their child, contribute a pathetic £20 a week. Leave the ex on housing benefit, (yes, paid for by my taxes) and freely set up a new household. That is just ridiculous. You chose to have a child then you pay for your child.

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 22:51

I meant she generally fritters money away m0ther, not the specific £20 he gives but I suspect you know what I mean. I don't think anyone has said its generous, in fact the opposite.

Exactly wheres, I mean I know I am a bit biased as he is my DP but he does a lot for his son which I won't give all the details here but the maintainance has been reduced temporarily while he gets himself established, doesn't mean it will always be as it is now. My ex is a genuine deadbeat dad and the difference is enormous.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 10/05/2015 22:53

Sorry where has it said the ex is on housing benefits??? There is an awful lot of projecting going on here.

Open I would walk away from the post as it will just end up the way of post step parent threads on aibu

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 22:54

None of us (us or her) get HB tinkly, making some big assumptions there. Don't worry, your taxes are safe!

He didn't walk away either, she left him for OM but that is irrelevant.

OP posts:
WardenessOfTheNorth · 10/05/2015 22:55

Tinkly who exactly has left a single mother on HB and only pays £20?

We pay much more than that for DSD it's me who only gets £25 from exh.

DH didn't just "walk out" on DSD and my exh didn't just "walk out" on me.

You cannot judge people and make sweeping criticisms of people without knowing their circumstances. Shit happens. Relationships break down. Not every NRP is a deadbeat dad.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/05/2015 22:56

Look I admit, yes I am being judgy. Jasper, I think the fact that your ex is utterly deadbeat, has blinded you to the fact that your current partner is moderately deadbeat.

Eustasiavye · 10/05/2015 22:56

Housing benefit is means tested it is not handed out willy nilly.
The tax payer is picking up the tab for irresponsible parents!!

lots of excuses made for feckless parents here.

m0therofdragons · 10/05/2015 22:58

Op I'm not having a go at you - more the system. What the mother spends money on isn't your business and it's clear that the £20 isn't buying her gucci shoes. I would buy essentials rather than give extra cash. Eg take responsibility for school uniform and shoes. That way dc is getting what he needs.

WardenessOfTheNorth · 10/05/2015 23:03

And DH ex is on HB because she chose to move away and doesn't work. That is not our responsibility, our responsibility is to make sure DSD is fed and clothed. Which we do.

I was left with mountains of debt after marriage break up. We didn't own our own home so I private rented and claimed HB. I got out of it and now own my own home.

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 23:03

I don't think you can really assess that from the information given on here tinkly, it's such a small snapshot. I'm not going to list all the reasons why you are wrong as I've already given a few and you seem quite determined not to listen plus it's late and I'm tired!

OP posts:
WardenessOfTheNorth · 10/05/2015 23:05

Very judgemental on here tonight.

OP I second that you leave the thread.

WardenessOfTheNorth · 10/05/2015 23:06

Eustace

Means tested benefits disregard child maintenance. You can be receiving £1000 a week and still claim HB.

Don't judge

Griphook · 10/05/2015 23:07

(yes, paid for by my taxes)

Tinkly are you definitely sure you put in more than you take out?

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 23:10

Ok m0ther, fair enough, I do agree that the system is flawed. So many NRP (usually men) can easily find a loophole to get out of paying for their children and it stinks.

When I told my ex how badly I was struggling after he left he told me I had 'made my bed and now I should lie in it', all because I dared to leave him after putting up with his abuse for years.He obviously has money because he could afford to buy ds expensive Christmas presents and yet refuses to give me a penny in maintainance because 'I get the child benefit'. Ridiculous.

OP posts:
3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 10/05/2015 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Momagain1 · 10/05/2015 23:11

Deadbeat is not paying. Paying all the govt deems reasonable based on your income, snd sometimes more, is not deadbeat. That it's hardly anything isnt the point.

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