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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have much sympathy for her and think she is being a bit cheeky?

180 replies

ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 18:29

DP's ex was messaging him the other day asking him if he can increase the maintainance he pays for his ds because she and her bf are apparently really skint.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have been and still am pretty poor so I get how hard being broke can be however:

She is currently pregnant with her bf's baby - they were actively trying for a baby despite not living in a place big enough for them all to live in and always moaning about not having enough money

DP already pays more than he 'should' in maintainance

Her bf has a pretty good job (20k ish - not loads but a lot where we live)

Aibu to not have much sympathy and think she is being cheeky asking DP to pay her more? She was also complaining that someone has threatened to report her for benefit fraud, she claims tax credits but I'm fairly sure she shouldn't be as her bf works full time and her mother works full time (who lives with them) so their household income is probably too high to be receiving tax credits.

I also doubt she is as skint as she says she is given a few weeks ago she and bf went on a very expensive foreign holiday, I think my definition of skint and hers are quite different!

Aibu and a bit mean or is she bu?

OP posts:
NRomanoff · 10/05/2015 19:45

Well if she knows you are genuinely skint then she is being a bit cheeky.

I am not saying a partner should contribute, or the exs mother. I am just trying to get a view of the situation and thinking what I would do in that situation.

Incidentally if the OP and her dp got married, is the joint income considered then? What happens of OP gets a well paid job and her her dp decides to become a sahp, if they were to have a baby?

LineRunner · 10/05/2015 19:47

Only the income of the NRP is considered relevant.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 10/05/2015 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeijoaSundae · 10/05/2015 19:50

Wow, £20 a week.

The resident parent (let's face it; almost always the mother, who's almost inevitably on the lower income) really gets screwed over, financially. They (she) must pay way, way more than £20 a week to actually raise the child.

£20 is pocket money...

Shockers · 10/05/2015 19:50

Flipping heck, £20 a week?

XH paid £15 a week for DS 20 years ago and I struggled.

Re the petrol... did your DP move away from the original area that the family were living in?

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 19:53

Yes he did shockers, partly because he worked in the area he moved to but also because when he & ex broke up she moved her new dp into the house the same day and he had nowhere else to go.

OP posts:
QuintShhhhhh · 10/05/2015 19:55

Not sure why your bfs ex and his child should suffer for the life choices you and him make! (part time work, studies, self employed but not earning, having a child and not getting maintenance)

letscookbreakfast · 10/05/2015 19:56

Why should the OP contribute towards her DP's ex if the ex's DP isn't expected to contribute?

I don't get MN sometimes.

fiveacres · 10/05/2015 19:56

The op shouldn't.

The father of the child absolutely bloody should Hmm

letscookbreakfast · 10/05/2015 19:57

Plus the ex and her DP are making life choices that means the child suffers, sounds like they are living beyond their means.

WoodliceCollection · 10/05/2015 19:57

£20 a week is a pittance if you look at the costs of childcare, food and clothes for a child, etc. Also it is below the CSA minimum if your partner is on minimum wage, even, so not sure how you've calculated that. You and your partner sound far more like chancers than her and her partner, in this scenario, tbh. Her new partner's income is irrelevant to the child support he should pay for the child he fathered. So yes, YABU.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/05/2015 20:00

£20 a week? Seriously, people contribute just £20 a week towards their child's upbringing? I am absolutely shocked by that. That can't be right.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 10/05/2015 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoTheDuckFace · 10/05/2015 20:09

My exh pays me £38pw for two children, not a lot in the Grand scheme of things but I wouldn't ask for more because I know he hasn't got it.
I know £20 a week is buttons but it's all the op's ex can afford. Not everyone had a high income and nrp's have to eat and run a house too. That's why maintenance is a % of income. A % of not a lot, is unfortunately not a lot.

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 20:14

Quint, how is her child suffering because I'm going to uni so I can get a better job to pay for the things my own children (including one with a disability) need? I work part time because I have to.

I also didn't choose to not get maintenance from my ex, what a ridiculous statement!

I also didn't choose dp to not be earning either, another stupid statement. Dp is self employed because he couldn't get a job in the sector he is trained in - he doesn't get minimum wage. He pays what he can and it will increase as and when he earns more. It has been higher in the past just not at the moment.

OP posts:
whothehellknows · 10/05/2015 20:17

Plenty of NRP's pay nothing towards their child's upbringing. I asked for a roll call of lone parents recieving no maintenance on here once and the results are staggering.

If £20 a week is really all that he can contribute, then I suppose it's better than nothing.

Eustasiavye · 10/05/2015 20:19

The op has stated that she has children so her dp is legally entitled to reduce the amount he pays towards his own child, in order to pay towards the cost of other children who live in his household, regardless of whether they are his or not.

This happened to me so even though my ex h's new partner received maintenance from the fathers of her children , and as an aside claiming from different partners = each nrp pays a % so in her case she got more than I did because all my children were to one man , my children's maintenance was reduced.
He then proceeded to resign from his job so my children get a big fat zero. Legally even though the new woman is a professional, I cannot claim against my ex h ' household' income as in reverse it does not count.

With regard to the op I still think the ex partner is being cheeky but obviously we don't know the full circumstances.

fiveacres · 10/05/2015 20:19

That's not the point. How dare somebody sniff and sneer at somebody having the audacity to ask for more money for their child than £20 a week?

GingerLDN · 10/05/2015 20:25

If you don't have it to give then you don't have it, but no it's not cheeky. £20 a week for a child is nothing. He should be looking at promoting his services more or trying to find a better paid job if he can't provide adequate support.

Eustasiavye · 10/05/2015 20:26

Who are you referring to five acres?

The sad facts are that there must be thousands, if not more, of nrp who simply do not give a damn about their own flesh and blood. No amount of indignation has the slightest effect on these people, seriously it doesn't.

Griphook · 10/05/2015 20:38

lots of people can't get jobs in they field and end up in jobs they dislike or isn't what they wanted to do to put food on the tabe. I think your dp needs to look further a field

EuphemiaCoxton · 10/05/2015 20:46

Offer to buy the things she's lacking for his child.
Your OP is responsible for his child.
We've been there. It's difficult. We used to give whatever DH's ex asked for but it was exploited so we stopped.
And it did cause friction I warn you.
Just be firm about no money but clothes, school trips (and pay the school directly), dance lessons, shoes etc are a different matter entirely and your OP should contribute.
Even hand over vouchers if she wants to choose.

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 20:49

Griphook, DP is part of a new business venture which is still very much in its infancy so it's understandable that it is slow at the moment but the prospects are good and it is his dream job and it is what he is trained in so he really wants to stick at it. It just needs some time.

Ok five acres, I agave probably worded the op badly - she is nbu to ask for more maintainance as we are all in agreement that it is a low amount. However, she does not made good financial choices as I'm quite sure that if she was a bit more sensible with the income she has she would not be struggling, even with a new baby on the way. I should probably amend my Aibu to Aibu to feel slightly frustrated that DP's ex claims to be struggling so much when she makes bad financial choices and has an income higher than mine so should be ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 10/05/2015 20:53

Thing is euphemia, she never does ask for 'stuff' she just asks for money every time. I have no idea what Dss actually needs!

OP posts:
fiveacres · 10/05/2015 21:00

I was answering whothehellkmows :)

Being indignant changes things faster than shrugging and smiling and saying 'well £20 is better than nothing.'

£20 is insultingly low.

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