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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your teenage children swear? And do you mind?

280 replies

MrsFring · 05/05/2015 09:36

I have three teenagers; Dd1 (19), DSL (17) and Dd2 (14). I swear. Quite a bit when I've got my dander up. The older two swear in extremis but not very much, their choice. Dd2, however, has started to swear much more frequently and 'cunt' is her currently favoured word. She tends to use it when upset by something on the news or when fighting with her brother (which is most of the time). She assures me that she never uses it at school when a teacher could hear her.

She is a very principled, passionate girl and does tend to get a bit carried away. DH is more bothered by her swearing than I am, I suspect that he considers it unladylike but would never dare to say that to me.

What do think? Would you mind?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsFring · 05/05/2015 10:00

This has been very helpful. We're not a particularly sweary family which is why this latest habit of hers has taken me by surprise. I suspect she's heard me ranting at the election stuff and thinks it's ok. Thanks all, time for a stern talking-to.

OP posts:
basketofshells · 05/05/2015 10:05

Mine are 16 and 13, both dds. I relaxed the rule about never swearing at home once they were both in secondary (so hearing it all on the bus anyway). We had a very fuckety couple of weeks but the novelty has now worn off.

I've always told them that if they're going to swear they should do it "appropriately". In our house that means never swearing at someone, and never in front of someone who has never sworn in front of them (so they know the person won't be offended). The not-at-someone rule means that "cunt" doesn't crop up unless they're quoting someone. Also, racist/ableist/homophobic language is completely forbidden, although they wouldn't use that anyway.

I'm sure they swear more amongst their friends, but to me the most important thing is learning that different language suits different situations.

MyballsareSandy · 05/05/2015 10:07

Thinking about it ..... I probably do swear more than I realise. FFS has been on the tip of my tongue almost constantly since my DDs starting walking and talking. I was much more laid back pre-motherhood.

Original poster
MrsFring · 05/05/2015 10:09

Yes, context is all. She has heard me calling a particular politician 'cunt-face' so I guess I'm the one at fault here. God, we sound like the Shameless family.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 05/05/2015 10:09

Maybe time for a swear box MrsF? Could work?

My occasional swearing is for inanimate objects. Usually stuff falling out of cupboards on my head or kicking a glass of something over.

Original poster
MrsFring · 05/05/2015 10:13

Good idea Sparking! We could be headed for a five-star holiday in The Maldives at this rate.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 05/05/2015 10:16

Grin MrsF. Brilliant.

TheFairyCaravan · 05/05/2015 10:16

I've got 2 boys (18&20) and they swear but so do DH and I. We don't swear in general conversation or swear at each other. I have been known in the last few weeks to call a certain politician a cunt so I can see where your DD is coming from.

I would ignore it unless she starts doing it in public or at you or a family member tbh. IME with teenagers the more you make an issue out of something the more likely they are to do it!

SirChenjin · 05/05/2015 10:19

They swear occasionally in anger at each other - and DS1 does hurl insults at us when he's in one of his moods (not cunt though). I hate it, esp. we have an 8 year old. They are made to apologise and get sent to their rooms to calm down. They don't swear as a matter of course or in public - they hate the mundane type of swearing you hear in the street as much as I do, esp. if their little brother is with them, e.g "I was out with Dave and was like, what you fucking doing mate and he was fuck off you dick and I was like just get the fucking cash from the fucking machine and lets fucking go"

cozietoesie · 05/05/2015 10:21

All of our would-be swearing is caused by inanimate objects, Sparkling - but even that is frowned upon, as are clearly substituting words like 'fecking'. (Blighters is just about allowed.) I can only hope that their vocabulary has improved, though, because we have to use some very inventive ways to express annoyance.

cozietoesie · 05/05/2015 10:24

SirChenjin

If I - or anyone in the family - ever used the phrase 'and I was like......' I sincerely hope that someone would take me outside and do me in.

Tuono · 05/05/2015 10:32

Almost 15 year old. Not in my hearing he doesn't.

A month ago I was walking between clients, went around the back of the basketball court as a short cut, shielded by high bushes. Heard DS, (clear as a bell, high volume) let out a Pig God. Just about the worst thing you can say over here.

Got home. Let him relax. Then pounced without revealing who exactly overheard him. He is now convinced there is a network of mothers all spying for each other, so maybe that'll keep him for saying the stuff most likely to cause deep offence at anything above a furtive whisper.

My mum went through a very bad time when I was a teenager. I think it was to save energy and pick battles (understandable), but she went very much into "teenagers, you can't stop them doing what they want, so why try?" mode. Which meant I kept on raising the ante, in the hope of finally finding a boundary, and feeling ... I dunno, "secure again" is what I was after I think.

So I may overcompensate with DS. Hence high hedge + implied MI5 mums out and about.

Nosyman94 · 05/05/2015 10:43

If there is no such thing as a god (there isn't imo) and nothing the human body is called or does is dirty (it isn't) then surely it is impossible to be offended by swear words?

To fucking paraphrase ursula le guin.

Hakluyt · 05/05/2015 10:47

We're not a particularly sweary family at home and DP very rarely swears at all (demolishing the Irish stereotype- I never heard my FIL or any of his siblings swear, and they were so Irish that it was sometimes impossibly not to suspect they were putting it on!) None of us would use "cunt". I feel very strongly about this one and I have explained to my children why it's unacceptable. I have no idea what their language is like away from home- well, I do, actually- ds once accidentally left me a 2 minute voicemail from his pocket of him and his friends at lunchtime Grin- but it's usually nothing stronger than dame and bloody at home.

Ludoole · 05/05/2015 10:50

My ds's (12 and 15) rarely swear.
Im 39 and my dp's have never heard me swear, my db however gets at least 2 swear words into every sentence.

Whathaveilost · 05/05/2015 10:51

I have always said to my teenage lads tht I guess they will probably swear but they must lays consider their audience. Eg ok when they are in the middle room at home and having a a private conversation out of general earshot, not ok at nan and grandad's Golden wedding anniversary bash!

One of our crowd ( me, DH and both sons are acquaintances with a crowd of people ages 23-67 through a sports club) is extremely sweary with the words cunt and fuck peppered in every sentence virtually as a matter of course. The guy says that is how he is, deal with it. Me and DS1 had words about it. I said that the guy was being selfish and wouldn't consider how uncomfortable it made other people feel but DS being cool and 18 said the guy could please himself and they are only 'words' and it was other people who had the problem. However one day a man in his fifties joined us. Ds1 really respects and likes him. He looked absolutely disgusted at sweary bloke, raised his eyes and walked way. DS1 clocked what had happened. He got my point there and then. Lesson finished!

TooSpotty · 05/05/2015 10:53

I don't swear often - it's a thing I do when really angry normally - and when I do it's with friends more than my husband. He almost never swears, and it's him that is adamant that the 12 year old will not use bad language in the house. We know he does with friends, and to be honest my parents took a pretty relaxed line once I was about 14 (while not being remotely sweary themselves) which didn't result in me doing it much, so left to me it would less of an issue I think.

BUT I do worry about kids who literally don't hear the swear words any more. I respect people who DO find swearing very offensive, I don't want my toddlers hearing those words at their age, and I've heard of teenagers unable to get jobs because they can't get through an interview without swearing.

My big thing, and the language that is banned by me in our house, is the stuff that isn't swearing but intended to be rude and disrespectful under the radar. I can look things up on Urban Dictionary perfectly well!

Mabelface · 05/05/2015 10:54

Mine swear in context and aren't allowed to swear at each other in anger. The boys get pulled up very quickly if I hear them calling each other names. They're 16.

CarbeDiem · 05/05/2015 10:58

My 20 and 18 yr olds do sometimes but not at/to me, usually at each other.
They don't use the likes of cunt in front of me, I hate it.
The 16 yr old doesn't swear in front of me but does have quite an array of colourful language when arguing with his brothers or has his Xbox head set on.
I swear but not a lot. I don't think I even said shit in front of my mum until I was well into adulthood.

Behooven · 05/05/2015 11:02

Bloody is about as strong as it gets, usually reserved for the terrible disaster that is the wifi not working.

Livjames1 · 05/05/2015 11:03

I can honestly say I have never swore in front of any of my three children, I can't stand swearing, it's sounds disgusting, chavvy etc and in my opinion it demonstrates a persons lack of intelligence and literacy if profanity is the first thing to come out of their mouth anytime they're angry or upset.

Livjames1 · 05/05/2015 11:06

Omg I've just seen your comment about your child using the word "cunt" infront of you. Really, what kind of parent are you for firstly letting your child use that type of language infront of you and secondly, for not repremanding her for it?

EatShitDerek · 05/05/2015 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peggyundercrackers · 05/05/2015 11:06

don't have teenagers but there are teens in our wider family circle and none of them swear - generally as a family we don't swear, neither does DH family. even now if I let out a small swear word in front of DM I get a row for it - its uncouth and vulgar.

if I heard one of our family using that word they would be told in no uncertain terms to stop - end of. if they didn't they would be excluded and asked to leave our company and not come back until they can stop their behaviour.

LarrytheCucumber · 05/05/2015 11:08

My elder children never swore (and still don't as far as I know). I have never heard DH swear. I am prone to 'bugger' if I drop something or do something stupid, but otherwise don't swear.
DS, however, started swearing as soon as he heard swear words at school (about 8) and it is a constant battle to try and make him moderate his language. He has Aspergers which doesn't help.
He is now 20 and works in an industry where swearing is the norm. I don't know how people can confidently say 'I don't allow swearing' because once it is out of his mouth it is out and although we remonstrate with him it still happens again. When he was younger we used a token system to try to stop him (one token out for every swear, so some weeks he got no pocket money) but it only worked for a limited time.
He doesn't swear at people, more at the computer (effing thing) or television, but we don't like it.
There is so much swearing in every day life that I think it becomes a habit.