I'd be interested to know who you think is being unreasonable

[HowAboutNot]

I'm very close to my SIL. She and DB are expecting a boy. DB wants to call him our father's name. He passed away when we were teens so he'd like to name his son after our father if not at least use the name for a middle name. My SIL on the other hand hates this name and refuses to use it because when she was younger she had a very abusive relationship with someone that goes by the same name. She doesn't want it to be featured at all in my future nephew's name. The name isn't particularly unique but then again it's not something like Thomas or James, or any other popular name. DB thinks she should just get over it as it's not as if they're calling him Hitler (his words) but she doesn't want it. I know it greatly impacted her at the time but if calling your own son by his name will bring back traumatic memories then she's justified, IMO.

I'm with SIL

maybe you could honour your dad if you have a ds?

I think she's justified, too. Maybe your brother could do something else in your father's name, eg run a marathon for a suitable charity. He shouldn't expect her to look at her son and think of her abuser - that is totally unreasonable.

I think your sil feelings are more important. It will affect her relationship with her son calling him a name that has bad memories attached.

They each have valid names for using, or not using the name. Dh has probably wanted to honour his dad since he passed away, but I can understand why sil doeesn't want to use it. Can they use dad's middle name instead?

DB is being unreasonable. You don't choose a name unless you both agree on it. Her reasons are valid. The last thing you'd want is to feel as though your DC were named after the worst person you've ever known.

Did your ddad have a middle name?

Poor SIL - she is not being U

I think on balance I'd be siding with SIL on this one.

Would it be possible for them to compromise by using your father's middle name, or a variation of his first name?

Or another form of the name. Eg. James instead f Jim,

DB is being unreasonable. He doesn't get to dictate, a baby's name should be agreed by both parents. If he forces her to call the baby that has such negative associations, Imo it could affect her bond with her lo.

With your sil on this, seems totally unfair to be reminded of her abuser whenever she looks at her child

Can't they use your dad's middle name instead?

Could they use your dad's middle name instead? I think your SIL is the one who gets the call here

X post Queen

Your brother is being unreasonable. Massively so.

Each parent gets the right of veto when deciding a name. That's fair.

Your DB is being hugely unreasonable. I'd also be mightily pissed off if I was your SIL and my husband were discussing this with his sister.

Baby names are for the parents to decided. Everyone else gets their turn when they have a baby and have all the shitty jobs as well as the nice ones like choosing a name.

I can't believe your brother doesn't understand his wife's point if view on this

Im with SIL. There are many ways to honour a Grandfather so it doesnt have to be with a name that has negative connotations. Far better to run a race or plant a garden .

I'm with your SIL. Poor woman. I think your brother is being very insensitive.

I've been in an abusive relationship and the thought of calling my precious newborn the same name turns my stomach.

What about using your Dad's middle name? Or a variant of it, ie, Jim instead of James.

A child's name is both parents decision, and your SIL has a perfectly good reason to veto. I've said no to partner's choice of middle name for a far less valid reason (purely because it's an awful name, kid would get teased). I can understand the name means a lot to your brother, but he needs to remember that it's as lovely a connection to him, as it's horrible for her.

Well it's absolutely nothing to do you with you for a start. I think your sil is absolutely right not to want a name which has such bad connections in her mind. When you have your own children then you can choose the name.

Yeah, sorry for your db but they need a name they're both happy with.
as a totally separate issue, she might want some counselling to help deal with both the past trauma and her present partner. Sorry, but your brother is being a dick.

if there are reasons to use and to not use a name, the not wins.

I'd suggested using our father's middle name but I think if they were going to compromise on a name then my father's middle name wouldn't even enter the mix. DB seems unmovable on this as he told me even back then that one day he hoped to have a son to honour our father.

I hadn't even considered the prospect that the name could affect SIL's bond with the newborn Jilted , AuntyMag raised that point as well!

She wants me to try and bring him round. He is a stubborn fucker But I do see where he's coming from too as he's my brother. I'm leaning towards her side (perhaps influenced by the fact that I'm a woman and have experienced abusive relationships) but then again I don't carry associations e.g. If I meet a Charlotte who's a conniving bitch doesn't mean all Charlotte's are conniving bitches.

Your brother is unreasonable.

An alternative suggestion - if the baby will have SiL's last name, then perhaps your father's last name could be baby's middle name. If your brother has your father's surname, and the baby will too, then the baby already has your father's name.

I agree with your SIL. Even without the history surrounding the name for her which is completely understandable, a name should only ever be used when both people 100% agree with it.

Your SIl was abused by name and your DB thinks she should just get over it ?

He sounds like a prick.