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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'd be interested to know who you think is being unreasonable

172 replies

HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 13:11

I'm very close to my SIL. She and DB are expecting a boy. DB wants to call him our father's name. He passed away when we were teens so he'd like to name his son after our father if not at least use the name for a middle name. My SIL on the other hand hates this name and refuses to use it because when she was younger she had a very abusive relationship with someone that goes by the same name. She doesn't want it to be featured at all in my future nephew's name. The name isn't particularly unique but then again it's not something like Thomas or James, or any other popular name. DB thinks she should just get over it as it's not as if they're calling him Hitler (his words) but she doesn't want it. I know it greatly impacted her at the time but if calling your own son by his name will bring back traumatic memories then she's justified, IMO.

OP posts:
blushingbooty · 03/05/2015 20:13

Your ddad sounds lovely, can you do something to commemorate with your DNephew once he's old enough to understand, appreciate and take part too?

Original poster
HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 20:22

I thought I'd already explained this middle name thing but as posters keep asking, my dad's middle name is not a name either of them want to use at all!
For a start my DB doesn't see it as a compromise at all and my SIL doesn't even like the name so it has been vetoed!
I, however, am going to call my DB now. Slightly in tears about the memories it brings back, but I support SIL 100% and I know a little kicking from me will do the trick. He only loved 3 people in life, one of them has died, one of them currently finds him unreasonable and the other is me.
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse put down the champagne! You've probably already drank my share!!!

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/05/2015 20:26

Howaboutnot :)

I hope it all gets sorted. It's such bad luck that it's worked out this way, but well done for trying to sort things. Be kind to yourself this evening Flowers

HeadDoctor · 03/05/2015 20:29

I think the two things need to be separated out really.

It is fine for your DB to be upset. If he's had this idea for a long time, he's going to be upset. It had meaning for him. If he needs time to get over it, fine. If he needs to cry about it, mope, whatever, that's fine.

It is not fine for him to insist where it would severely distress his wife. I was abused, once, when I was 13. If my DH insisted, I would actually probably divorce him. That kind of trauma lives in the fight/flight part of your brain. His name gives me a physical jolt, an instant feeling of nausea, fear, like my life is in danger. Your DB needs to apologise to your SIL for even pushing this issue. She must be so, so upset.

KissMyFatArse · 03/05/2015 20:32

Your brother is a self important selfish entitled arrogant prick hth

blushingbooty · 03/05/2015 20:33

HowAboutNot Sorry I thought it was just a no for the first name from your update. Good luck with your bother, hopefully you can kick some sense into him and show him how unfair and insensitive he's being.

Original poster
HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 20:49

Come on Kiss My brother is fine! He is exactly like my dad! Same looks, same career, same everything. But I guess apparently not same out look as dad would have not even made this an issue. I know DB is being difficult but I don't see this as him being a self important prick. I genuinely think that it has never occurred to him the abuse his wife went through as when they met it was plain sailing. She and DB fell in love at practically first sight!

DB has a very black and white approach to life, his wife has never told him about her abuse. The reason I posted is because I know. I was there. I was there when DB and I lost our dad and I was there when SIL was abused. I want the best for everyone here.

And I of course miss and love my dad but not at the cost of one of my good friends. I just started the thread to know that despite however much we might miss our dad (DB a lot more than me) that I'd be reasonable to tell him to be reasonable. Which is what I'm about to do.

My brother is not a bastard or a twat or whatever. He just sees things very differently!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse I will be thanks Smile Just put down my fucking champagne! ffs!

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/05/2015 20:50

Nearly ready to put it down...

:o

Original poster
HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 20:52

LaLyra & HeadDoctor Sorry to hear about that! So sorry! I have no idea how you both coped but I thank you both for the strength to come on hear and speak to me! Flowers

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 03/05/2015 20:53

You dont need to step in to convince SIL. But you can talk about your dad to your brother.

If your dad had been around, would SIL have coped with his name, or forever avoided using it in conversation with him, and always referred to him as 'your father', or 'dh's father' in discussion?

If your dad had been around, would he have graciously said, call me ___, upon realising his name called SIL distress?

Would dad had forced such distress on your mum in naming you?

What would dad have advised if he were here to advise?

Original poster
HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 20:57

*Here I meant! Sorry for the typo's I've made during my various posts.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse I'm going to actually hunt down ur horses... Muahaha!

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/05/2015 20:58

Nooooooooooo! Shock

Original poster
HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 21:08

And I actually managed to make another typo while trying to explain away my initial typo! I just can't be helped I think!!

But abuse is not a laughing matter. As I said some posts ago I have been abused.

But the main thing that I learned is that my nephew's name might actually affect SIL's bond with him. That would destroy him, and he's not even born yet. So DB will see sense once I kick, punch and shove it into him.

FuckYouChris I thought you were living the fancy life now... no need to take notice of us commoners!

OP posts:
blushingbooty · 03/05/2015 21:13

DB has a very black and white approach to life, his wife has never told him about her abuse

So your brother doesn't actually know about the abuse? I though he said she should just get over it?

blushingbooty · 03/05/2015 21:13

Or did you mean he doesn't know the full details?

Cabrinha · 03/05/2015 21:37

Your poor SIL.
This is really trivial, but my XH is an arse and I'm internet dating now and find myself put off anyone with his not top 10 but not uncommon for his age name! The name just makes me think 'ugh - arsehole'.
A million times worse for her.

You're deginitely not BU to take her "side".

I don't personally see that there is anything honourable about giving a child a family name anyway.

Original poster
HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 21:47

Blushing he thinks she was in a 'bad relationship' prior to him therefore should just get over it. He has no idea the extent of abuse she faced. He has truly no idea.

Momagain1 I can't speak for my mother and father in naming me but to answer your previous question SIL would have called my father by his name. She'd have been fine with a random man or other with this name. Her problem is the idea that her ds might have to have the same name as her abuser. She probably would have loved my father, (he got along with most people anyway) but she wouldn't have cared about anyone's name. She cares about her future son's name.

OP posts:
KissMyFatArse · 03/05/2015 22:20

Howabout it's hard to comment when you drip feed. You've only now said your DB doesn't know about the extent of abuse. Please be clearer. If your DB doesnt know about the abuse then obviously he doesn't understand any objection.

She has been abused in someway. Firstly she should be more Upfront with her dh if she can.

Physical/mental/emotional abuse: her DH should know and understand this and veto any name suggestions she finds hard to deal with as a loving and understanding partner should.

blushingbooty · 03/05/2015 22:32

So your dbrother just thinks it's an ex that your dsil doesn't want reminding of because it was a crap relationship rather then abusive? Bit unfair not to mention that at first, can't you see why people called your brother shitty? Only you knew he had no idea, your posts implied he knew and didnt care!

blushingbooty · 03/05/2015 22:34

Unfair on your brother even.

He needs all the facts. He might feel awful of himself for arguing if he understood.

Original poster
HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 22:50

Blush my brother wouldn't really see it that way. I've tried to be fair with describing him. He knew it was a very bad relationship that left her with issues but he didn't know the extent of the abuse. I on the other hand did. Your partners don't have to know every single detail about your life. As I said, I knew her years before him so there are things I know that he wouldn't necessarily know. And Even if he did, perhaps he wouldn't tell me considering they're married so no need to spill all about his DW. Fact is I'm going to bulldoze him into seeing my SIL's point of view. I just wanted to know I was doing the right thing. As I said DB is very black and white.

OP posts:
Inertia · 03/05/2015 22:55

So the baby will have your Dad's name- his last name. Both sides of the family will be included in the baby's name. Seems reasonable.

Honour isn't in a name, it's in your actions. At the moment, your brother would be behaving in a much more honourable way if he were to accept that his wishes would cause enornous anguish for his wife, and give over about the name.

blushingbooty · 03/05/2015 23:01

So his reaction would be the same even if he knew she'd been abused? He really would be insensitive and unfair then.

Your partners don't need to know all details but if something is affecting your relationship and normally making that clear would stop it affecting then it's better for them to at least have a clue. Thats not true in your brother's case but most people would feel distraught to think they were trying to push someone into something that would trigger them.

AlternativeTentacles · 03/05/2015 23:04

Instead of bulldozing him, how about pointing out that she, as the child's mother, has as much right to veto a name and he needs to respect that she has her reasons and to back off and try and find a name they both agree on.

my2centsis · 03/05/2015 23:06

With SIL 100%

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