I'd be interested to know who you think is being unreasonable

[HowAboutNot]

I'm very close to my SIL. She and DB are expecting a boy. DB wants to call him our father's name. He passed away when we were teens so he'd like to name his son after our father if not at least use the name for a middle name. My SIL on the other hand hates this name and refuses to use it because when she was younger she had a very abusive relationship with someone that goes by the same name. She doesn't want it to be featured at all in my future nephew's name. The name isn't particularly unique but then again it's not something like Thomas or James, or any other popular name. DB thinks she should just get over it as it's not as if they're calling him Hitler (his words) but she doesn't want it. I know it greatly impacted her at the time but if calling your own son by his name will bring back traumatic memories then she's justified, IMO.

I think she is justified in not wanting the name. Abusive partners can stay with you forever and it would be hard to be reminded of that every time you look at your child.

I can understand why your brother wants it but I would side with your sil

It would be massively unreasonable to try to compel her to accept a name with distressing connotations. Attachment to it or not, your brother is actually being quite cruel here.

Tbh if she wasn't a very good friend I'd leave them to it. You're right it's none of my business but I've known her for far longer than DB has and like I said she's asked me to bring him round as him and I have a very good relationship. We're just a 1.5yrs apart and supported each other hugely after our father's death. I've sort of become piggy in the middle over this.

If I were sil I'd be very tempted to revert to my maiden name!

But I think your problem is going to be talking around your brother - depending on your relationship I'd be going for a sarcastic laugh and saying " you stupid fucker, you pick your battles, this ain't one of them, do you really want a man who caused your wife so much pain to be honoured this way?"

Do you have an idea what your dad would have said/done in this situation?

Personally I think "having a son to honour his father" is bleurgh anyway.

One thing I should add is that because I never met my grandmother I don't have any strong feelings about being named after her. In fact I never think of it really.

But I would have some pretty strong feelings if I suffered as a result of the chosen name either because it was (in my case) Vera or if my mother winced everytime she said it and resented my father for making her chose a name that hurt her.

I think the brother might not actually be selfish, cruel, a dick, controlling etc, but plain might just not get it. And be stubborn.

Me too Trills.

Your brother is being very selfish. He should back down and apologise.

Abusive relationship aside she would still be reasonable to reject the name if she didn't like it. Why would you choose a name you don't like for your dc, regardless of family history.

As it also reminds her of a bad boyfriend then she's even more justified.

Your brother is being an absolute prick. Yes he had his heart set on this but reality means it can't happen.

Movingonup that's a really good point. As a child if it at all hurt your mum, or if she struggled with bonding because of it, I would never forgive my dad for choosing it.

Exactly. The most important person in this is the child.

I agree that she'd be in the right to veto any random names, as would he, but this particular name holds value for my DB. It's not just another name in the list of potential names. That's why our father's middle name won't work, because if they start compromising then that name is completely out.

Trills It makes me a little sad that you'd say that considering you're taking the sentence out of context. Our father loved DB to the point he thought the sun shone out of my DB's arse. DB isn't "having a son to honour our father", what if he had never had a son?? It's just he happens to be having a son and would love to name him after one of the most important people he ever came across.

Timeforabiscuit I fully intend to talk to him. I'm not sure who mentioned up thread but my DB will be disappointed but hopefully will get over it, SIL on the other had might resent this child for the rest of his life. That would cause no end of damage.

I don't understand your explanation of why they can't compromise on the middle name.

She has the right to veto any name. It's her baby too!

Peppermint Because say for example our father's middle name is David, they both don't want that to be his first name. Their argument is over the first name. I'm going to speak to him nonetheless. He has after all been party to dragging me into it.

I think you need to pull your brother up on his flippancy towards his wifes abuse firstly. He is acting like a complete prick by expecting her to get over it. He should honour his father by being a good husband and father not minimising her experience.
No you can never completely avoid a name but this is their child, he will come from her. The last thing anyone needs is to relive their most horrible times at what is a happy time.

I'm amazed a bit surprised that a man could be so unconcerned about his wife's trauma that he'd even give this issue a second thought. Yes, it's a shame he can't use his father's name, but there are many other ways of 'honouring' your father than by doing something that will remind your SIL daily of both her abuse, and also of her DH's determination to get his own way over something so upsetting to her. Does he really understand what she went through? I'm struggling to think of a parallel example you could try to talk him through to see her perspective.

I really quite like the name Liam, but I wouldn't consider it for my son as I had an awful and mildly abusive boyfriend by that name when I was a teenager. That's enough to taint it for me. And you say your SIL was in a VERY abusive relationship. How horrible that your brother is ignoring her feelings on this.
It's ok not to name your child after your deceased parent. It doesn't mean you loved them any less. And I say this as someone who lost their mother years ago.

Couldn't your fathers middle name be your nephews middle name? I'm sorry, I'm very confused by your explanation . Or a derivative like Marcus for Mark, or Robbie instead of Robert.

Oh my word he's being hugely unreasonable and really quite horrible.

He will better honour his father by choosing to be a supportive husband and father himself - wouldn't that be a splendid legacy?

I'm struggling to think of a parallel, but say you had lost your father in a hospital named St Thomas, and SIL wanted to honour her uncle Thomas. Is there anything like that from which you could start?

I am sorry you and your brother lost your father so young. But I do not get this 'honouring' business of using someone's name. New child is an individual. Give him a name of his own.
Whose surname is he getting?
I'm on Team SIL.

I'm with sil