I'd be interested to know who you think is being unreasonable

[HowAboutNot]

I'm very close to my SIL. She and DB are expecting a boy. DB wants to call him our father's name. He passed away when we were teens so he'd like to name his son after our father if not at least use the name for a middle name. My SIL on the other hand hates this name and refuses to use it because when she was younger she had a very abusive relationship with someone that goes by the same name. She doesn't want it to be featured at all in my future nephew's name. The name isn't particularly unique but then again it's not something like Thomas or James, or any other popular name. DB thinks she should just get over it as it's not as if they're calling him Hitler (his words) but she doesn't want it. I know it greatly impacted her at the time but if calling your own son by his name will bring back traumatic memories then she's justified, IMO.

He's not just being stubborn, he's being downright nasty as well as chronically insensitive.

If you're not prepared to intervene strongly on her behalf then stay out of it.

I don't think either of them is being unreasonable.

It's horrid coincidence that a name that matters so very much to DB is one that his DW has good reason to hate.

They will have to find their way through this together, as it's really no-one else's business.

One of them is not going to get their way, and it's up to them to sort out who it is, and why, and how that fits on to all the Other Stuff that goes with decision making within a marriage.

At least your DB has you as a confidante, and that their current disagreements can be worked through as privately as possible.

Both parents have to agree on a name. TBH, I wouldn't think your SIL was unreasonable about this even if it was just that she disliked the name. As she has a very good reason for having bad associations with the name she is perfectly reasonable to veto it.

Can see both sides here. Both valid reasons. However, your brother's wish would cause his wife the most horrendous distress and upset whereas his wife's wish would cause your brother disappointed but no suffering.

I don't see it that your brother is horrendous for wanting his fathers name over not having it, but he probably just doesn't grasp the effects of it on his wife.

I'm sure they can come up with alternatives which they are both happy with.

I can't imagine going through my life having to regularly use the name of my abuser because my DH forced the name upon my DC.

I feel sorry for your sil, your brother is being really unsupportive.

I agree that using your Dads middle name is a good idea, or a name that reminds you of him - a favorite author or character in a book.

When DD1 was born, I wanted to name her after my aunt who had died. Coincidentally the name was the same as someone who had bullied DH quite badly at school. The name had bad connotations for him and so we didn't use it. I was disappointed but I understood his reasons.

It's not about the name is it really? Your brother if he really loved his wife would not expect her to do this. He is very selfish and controlling. And what about his son - if each his mum looks at him she has feelings of revulsion and rejection.

I think your brother is being not only unreasonable but cruel and selfish. He's unilaterally made a decision on the name of their baby, based solely on what matters to him, and won't budge on it even though it hurts his wife and may well damage her relationship with her son. What a bastard.

Actually, since SIL has been clear with DB about her feelings, I'm starting to agree with the idea that he is actually being cruel and nasty. At best he's being incredibly insensitive.

I still get a physical jolt when I hear a certain name. the idea that one of my dcs could give me that feeling of fear and revulsion when I heard their name, is just so saddening.

Your DB needs to grow up and put his wife's feelings before his desire to honour his dad. I can't imagine your dad would want his name to cause his DIL pain. He's not honouring him at all right now.

I'm in two minds here . SIL cannot reasonably expect to avoid people with that name for the whole of her life. DB has his heart set on it. Is it really going to hurt your SIL if it is a middle name?

And what about if one day SIL decides to tell her son about the abuse she went through? And he finds out that her abuser had his name? If I found that out, even though I'd know I was named for another reason, I'd feel a bit weird about it I think. And quite sorry for my mum.

DB sounds an absolute rotter!

Another here siding with sil

Your brother is being intolerant of her understandable dislike of the name.
I can totally understand where she's coming from and I can also understand why your brother wants to use that name. However, you should not get involved - it's for your brother and his wife to resolve their issues over the name and other people being involved, no matter how close, just make those resolutions difficult.

Please don't think I'm having a go at you as I'm not. I know how well meant intentions can go badly wrong.

They need to compromise. Use dads middle name, or find name like a hometown, his mothers maiden name, occupation, nickname or other association that can be a name.

I'm with SIL too. It's a shame for your brother though.

Whose surname will the baby have?

Can they give the baby your brother's name as a middle name, on the grounds it's the name your dad chose for him (along with your mum obv)?

I had a friend who had her heart set on a name for a dd, and had loved the name since she was a teenager. But her dh's sister had had a baby with that name, who died, so of course there was no way she could use it. She was sad about it, but her SIL's feelings of course came first.

Your brother is being unreasonable.

No question about it.

"She should just get over it!" That is just awful. Poor woman.

Even if this were not the name of her abuser, both parents should agree on a name.

I'm with SIL, and I've been in a similar position. Fortunately DH was completely sympathetic.

There will be another way to honour your father.

I personally don't "get" a fixation on honouring someone by using their name, if it is at the cost of someone else's happiness or wellbeing. I'd hazard a guess your DF wouldn't see that as an 'honour'.

The fact your DB is immovable on such a matter makes him unreasonable. Generally I can see both sides, but on this one I'm stumped, Im afraid!

Not that it is the most important, but what do you think your father would have said knowing it might accept SIL so much?

I think you DB is being VU. SIL should not have to face a name that she might find repellent.

Your brother is being a complete dick. He is being incredibly unkind.

Surely each parent has the right of veto? Why on earth should one parent have the right to force a name on the other? And especially in these circumstances?

It obviously depends on your family dynamics whether or not you should get involved.

upset SIL, I meant

As a pp pointed out this baby, if it has your DB's surname, will already have his father's name.

My dad lost him mum when he was a teenager. I as eldest daughter have her name but because I am also my mother's daughter there was some compromise. Firstly, it is my middle name not my first name. Secondly, the name they gave me was my grandmother's middle name for the sole reason my mother didn't like the name both could see it was very old fashioned. I am very thankful I am not called Moving Vera OnUp!