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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'd be interested to know who you think is being unreasonable

172 replies

HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 13:11

I'm very close to my SIL. She and DB are expecting a boy. DB wants to call him our father's name. He passed away when we were teens so he'd like to name his son after our father if not at least use the name for a middle name. My SIL on the other hand hates this name and refuses to use it because when she was younger she had a very abusive relationship with someone that goes by the same name. She doesn't want it to be featured at all in my future nephew's name. The name isn't particularly unique but then again it's not something like Thomas or James, or any other popular name. DB thinks she should just get over it as it's not as if they're calling him Hitler (his words) but she doesn't want it. I know it greatly impacted her at the time but if calling your own son by his name will bring back traumatic memories then she's justified, IMO.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 03/05/2015 23:29

Also with SIL 100%. your brother is being insensitive and is probably adding to your SIL stress and concerns during pregnancy.

Whoever said early on to run a marathon in your dad's name, that was a great idea. I had a car boot sale and sponsored a donkey in my father's name when he died (he was a huge animal fan and would have loved that).

I am a firm believer that life is for the living and your brother would not be in any way honouring his father if it caused his partner/the mother of his child distress. I bet his dad would agree too.

Well done for supporting your sister in law.

mindthegap79 · 03/05/2015 23:40

Your SIL is not being unreasonable.

mindthegap79 · 03/05/2015 23:41

(and that's not often said on Mumsnet!)

UncertainSmile · 03/05/2015 23:43

Yep, I'm with SIL on this one too. Must be horrible for her.

NCTimeAgain · 03/05/2015 23:45

Sorry if it's already been said but what would your DF say if he were here to give an opinion?

beezlebop · 03/05/2015 23:51

As an abuse victim, for me that would be an awful reminder all the time linked to someone special.

Italiangreyhound · 03/05/2015 23:51

Ah, just seen that your dear brother doesn't know the full story. Well it is her story to tell or not to tell. But it does make your brother slightly more sympathetic in my eyes!

I think whatever name she wants to vito is fine. Even if there was no history for her personally with that name some people might still not like a name. Or might not want a child named after a relative.

If my son had been named after his granddad he would have had the exact same name - as I have my husband's surname and so does our son (and this would also mean he would have his great granddad's name)! Some people would just not want that level of name-history going on!

PeppermintCrayon · 04/05/2015 00:07

If my DH insisted, I would actually probably divorce him. That kind of trauma lives in the fight/flight part of your brain. His name gives me a physical jolt, an instant feeling of nausea, fear, like my life is in danger.

This. I don't think it's an excuse that he doesn't know the extent; he knows it's bad, is that not enough? Why do his wishes trump the wellbeing of the mother of his child?

I cannot fathom how this is even a debate.

maddening · 04/05/2015 00:26

Even if both not keen on the Middle name as a first name why not have it as a middle name - for your db to honour his father and as a compromise from sil for accepting this over your db's first choice - dn name would ring like his grandfathers did.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2015 00:35

maddening you said Even if both not keen on the Middle name as a first name why not have it as a middle name - for your db to honour his father

I don't really see how copying a name is honouring someone, for me it's more just remembering them, and there are a lot of other ways to do that.

I also think using a name that you don't like is a waste, for either or both parents, just my humble opinion.

Finally, you said and as a compromise from sil for accepting this over your db's first choice it does sort of suggest that the OP's SIL needs to compromise, which I don't feel she should need to.

My nephew has both his grandfathers first names but I think it was because my sis and her hubby both liked the names. Liking the name is (I think) very important.

Lweji · 04/05/2015 00:35

You could point out to your brother that he'd honour his dad better if he showed compassion and respected your SIL's wishes.
I'm sure your dad would like him to be a good husband, rather than to have a grand child with his name.

Coyoacan · 04/05/2015 01:14

IMHO, everytime we do the right thing or a kind act, we are honouring our parents. One just naturally assumes that a good person had good parents, though it is not always the case.

Nothing, just nothing should be done that would risk the bond between the SIL and her child. In fact he should not be creating problems for her at the moment.

Good luck, OP. You sound lovely

PeppermintCrayon · 04/05/2015 01:30

"One just naturally assumes that a good person had good parents, though it is not always the case."

Hmm
PeppermintCrayon · 04/05/2015 01:30

That was for all the people who have overcome shit parenting.

Coyoacan · 04/05/2015 04:17

What about this then PeppermintCrayon

One just naturally assumes that a bad person had bad parents, though it is not always the case

FishWithABicycle · 04/05/2015 04:34

Your brother is being unreasonable and your SIL has every right to object to this name.

I had a particular name in mind for my firstborn since I was a teenager - the name of my dead grandfather. My DH didn't want to - no trauma or abuse but the name was also the name of a classmate of his who had been unpleasant and that was enough for it to have negative associations. Of course we didn't use the name. Both parents have to agree and both have a right of veto. There are millions of names, they can find one they both like.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/05/2015 04:58

Not unreasonable to want a name he's christening, but utterly unreasonable to insist when it would cause such upset to the DW.

If he does do black and white thinking... Perhaps she needs to do black and white statements back...viz

"Our child is NOT having that name. Every time I would see or hear or have to use this name it would take me to a very upsetting place. "

I think this or variations needs to be repeated to him ad nauseam....

He needs to see that just because his experience of the name is of a much loved father... Her experience is not... And is so traumatic that this trumps his need.

I speak as someone with a previous abuse history,,, I just could not allow myself to CHOOSE this name for my child... I may just as well call him 'myvilesexabuser'. The name still makes me feel physically sick... Sad as there are some thoroughly nice people with the same name... I try not to let it cloud my life and judge these blameless people.

Romeyroo · 04/05/2015 05:09

I am with the posters who say if my husband insisted on this, it would be a deal-breaker.
Your SILs mental wellbeing is more important and your DB should realise this.

Timetoask · 04/05/2015 05:42

100% with SIL no question
It is really nice that your brother wants to honour your dad but honestly the baby also deserves to have his own persona and not carry the burden of representing someone who is now unfortunately dead.
DB can remember and honour your dad in many other ways.

MerryMarigold · 04/05/2015 05:46

I think it's pretty sad that SIL can't tell your brother what has happened to her, in detail. It would help understanding all around. Maybe they are too dependent on you as a go-between.

They are close enough to produce a child together. I think he needs to know about her past, yes the detail, to understand her, to never push the buttons that have been so harshly pushed etc.

Whilst you are speaking to your brother, I think you need to speak to SIL and tell her she needs to talk this through with your DB. It's a shame she's now pregnant and then will have a newborn so I don't know when a good time will be, but I'm not sure why it's been withheld from him. I'm all for transparency. It should bring them closer and I hope it will help him mature and develop more compassion and understanding for his wife, and for others who have been through abuse.

HeadDoctor · 04/05/2015 08:20

No, she does not need to go into detail and risk re-traumatising herself. Terrible idea.

MerryMarigold · 04/05/2015 08:59

Well, maybe the OP can tell her DB, but I think he needs to know in order to understand her needs. I don't mean a blow by blow account, but just an idea of what kind of abuse. If all he knows is she had a 'bad relationship' that could encompass all sorts. Was it emotional abuse? What kind of things would the abuser say? The DB may be triggering all sorts eg. by being a bit controlling at times. Has the OP dealt with it through counselling properly? I think throwing a kid into a mix where something like abuse has not been dealt with, and understood by a partner as well, is going to throw up all sorts of trouble. All the people I know who have been abused have partners who know about it and what it constituted (whether it was rape in childhood by an uncle or emotional abuse by parents), and I think that's for a good reason.

blushingbooty · 04/05/2015 09:27

Merry I also thought that the brother might be more understanding if he knew and even horrified at himself for pressing in that situation, op clarified that it wouldn't change brothers thinking aka she should still get over it. Unfortunately, he sounds very insensitive and unfair.

MerynFuckingTrant · 04/05/2015 09:38

Your brother is very unreasonable.

I'm with Sil on this.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/05/2015 10:10

This situation would be enough for me to divorce or go away and not disclose delivery until after registration then deal with the aftermath.

It's a heartless act that would be met by the same from me.