I'd be interested to know who you think is being unreasonable

[HowAboutNot]

I'm very close to my SIL. She and DB are expecting a boy. DB wants to call him our father's name. He passed away when we were teens so he'd like to name his son after our father if not at least use the name for a middle name. My SIL on the other hand hates this name and refuses to use it because when she was younger she had a very abusive relationship with someone that goes by the same name. She doesn't want it to be featured at all in my future nephew's name. The name isn't particularly unique but then again it's not something like Thomas or James, or any other popular name. DB thinks she should just get over it as it's not as if they're calling him Hitler (his words) but she doesn't want it. I know it greatly impacted her at the time but if calling your own son by his name will bring back traumatic memories then she's justified, IMO.

Why on earth does anyone need to explain?

SIL: No sorry, that name reminds me of someone who abused me.
DB: Well how bad was this abuse, so I can judge whether you are being reasonable or not?

What??

Howaboutnot, did you manage to speak to DB last night?

I agree that what SIL went through is her business. It's entirely up to her to tell whoever she wants as much or as little as she likes.

I know I wouldn't ever have to justify something that caused me hurt to my dh. He wouldn't have to understand, he would just see that it hurt me and that would be enough.

I really hope that SIL gets an apology and a hug. Of course DB is entitled to feel sad that he can't use the name, but that is not sil's fault and she mustn't be blamed.

I think I would go and register the baby without him if he continued to insist.

MerryMarigold in my humble opinion it is really no one else but the SIl's business who she tells about her past experiences, end of!

She has obviously chosen not to tell her husband and that is her choice. There is no way that the OP should reveal or even hint at anything of this nature unless it was a life and death situation, which it is not! That is my humble opinion. That sort of revelation, and possibly the brother's non sensitive replies and attitude might well break them up. What if he does not believe her, does not believe it was so bad, thinks it is an excuse et etc? He might say why have you not told me so far, why are you saying it now, is it all about our baby's name - and a way to control me into not choosing the name I want! (Sorry OP I am not saying he would say any of this but he might!)

We also have no evidence he would ensure he never pushed any buttons, he might, and he might do it accidentally, but with his wife's knowledge that he now has the knowledge of her abuse - she may well be less forgiving than if she had never told him.

Personally, I think honesty in a relationship is important and useful, but I have, very fortunately, not been abused so I have no idea how I would react or how I would protect myself from those memories and feelings!

I really hope those reading have not been through any such experiences, but even if others have and have chosen to act very differently and be open about stuff in a partnership, that doesn't mean it is right or even possible for all people to do so.

We are all different and the first rule for me in such situations would be not to make things worse, forcing revelations might make things worse, even if anyone felt they also might make things better! That is just my opinion and I hope it makes sense and does not sound judgemental, as that is not my intention.

MrsDiesel

They are married,he could do exactly the same thing before she leaves the hospital if he wanted

I was in an abusive relationship and I've never spoken about it to anyone. Not even my husband. He knows it happened and that's enough for him to want to protect me from further hurt. My silence on the matter tells him more about what went on than any details ever would. People who were around at the time think they know the details, but they don't. They'd be horrified if they did. If I were put in a position where I had no choice but to go into details I think I'd kill myself.

Oh hedgehogs

Hedgehogs so sorry.

Hedgehogs I'm so sorry!

I completely agree with this:

^Why on earth does anyone need to explain?
SIL: No sorry, that name reminds me of someone who abused me.
DB: Well how bad was this abuse, so I can judge whether you are being reasonable or not?^

I did speak with DB again, it's not the first time we've spoken about it but I left him in no uncertainty that he was being a fuckwitted twat (the words I used). I agree that if he did know the extent perhaps he wouldn't be so adamant but thats still no excuse. I've also sent SIL a link to the thread incase she's a lurking Mnetter and stumbles upon a discussion about her life
I think he will eventually see reason. I told him about the impact on the bond she'd have with her ds and quite frankly if dad was around he'd also tell him to stop being such a stubborn fuckwitted twat.

Hope he takes it in OP!

You're all very kind, but I didn't post for sympathy. I just wanted to raise awareness of how some people cope with trauma. It gets boxed up and filed away in a dark corner of the mind so it never has to be looked at again. And that backing someone into that corner could have very serious consequences.

I'm glad to hear you're standing up for your SIL OP. I hope your brother sees sense.

Hedgehogs is right, he ^doesn't* need to know the details, just to accept that his DW experienced something awful, and doesn't need reminding of it on a daily basis. The only people who know the full details of what happened to me are the police, my counsellor, and a very close friend who also happened to be a police officer, and encouraged, guided, and supported me to finally report it. My XH only know the bare minimum, he never needed to know more to support me as much as he could.

When I was expecting DS, my wanker 'D'P at the time happened to overhear some girls gossiping about a boy I'd had major problems with, we'll say he was called Jake. Instead of bringing it up with me, in a baby name discussion he just announced 'I like Jake!' And he wouldn't be swayed, it had to be Jake. I didn't understand his ridiculous motivation at the time, so I swallowed my own issues and went with that name. Although it irritates me that my son got his name because his tosser father was (badly) fishing for gossip, it's his name now. I don't associate it with the other person at all.

Hedgehogs out of interest how did you deal with it at the time or since? I was in an EA relationship so spoke it out with a counsellor and did a lot of reading. I have put that part of my life behind me but at the time it nearly ruined me. SIL went through absolute hell and told me that DB (at the time) was in one way a saving grace. Gatorade did that affect your bond with your ds? I mean at the immediate time because you say you just swallowed your issues and got on with it but now that you have no association did that take some time?

I went crazy on DB and told him to let it fucking go and to pick his battles. I also went mad on what dad would say if he was here. I wouldn't want my nephew to go through life with a mother that never quite loved him because of his name. I'll even kidnap my future nephew and take him to be registered by any other name as chosen by SIL.

I've had lots of counselling over the last 20 years. Lots of talking about the fear and the feelings but never going into the details. I've also had several lots of EMDR for the PTSD when stuff starts bubbling up to the surface. I've been seeing a my current psychologist every week for a year now but I've still haven't talked. I just can't. I think I keep going and feel ok, but then it all starts to come back. I can't deal with it yet so any therapy is about getting it back into the box rather than actually dealing with it.

I know it doesn't really make sense. I can talk about it in the way I've mentioned it in this thread but I can't give specific information about what went on. I also find that I slip into 3rd person position, so I'm talking about 'when a person survives they can feel ...' rather than 'As a survivor I feel ...'. I guess it's creating mental distance from that corner where the box is.

I can see why he's frustrated but SIL is ultimately NBU. If a future partner suggested naming baby after emotionally abusive ex - for any reason - there'd be no chance.
Compromise or nothing.

I was kind of down on the name to begin with, but after a while it just became DS's name, and so I love it because I love him. Though interestingly he went through a phase of wanting to change his name, and I do wonder if he picked up on something. I hope not.

Of course it's always best to start out with a name you love!

DB is being completely unreasonable.

Felt very sad reading hedgehogdontbites' post.

Oh Hedgehogs, that's awful I'm sorry, it sounds normal to me- you can't put a time limit on emotions or being able to talk about something horrific

Stratter5 so sorry to hear.

I'm sorry too Stratter5, I didn't see your post there

for everyone who's shared their own experiences to try to make things easier for a SIL that you don't even know. You're all really lovely.